clesa

[clesa]

I continue to go to the gym quite regularly despite not really seeing any progress. My sleep and eating habits have improved but it is far from perfect. I am not sure how things will go once I add school back into the mix. Although a scale can help me track my progress in the long term, the short term fluctuations are still annoying enough to keep me from buying one. I know myself so I know I could not stop myself from weighing myself daily. There is a scale at the gym but I don't want to lie to myself about the weight of clothes, underwear, shoes, socks, etc. I am not going to let the perceived lack of progress keep me at home. The health benefits of regular exercise are proven. I should just go to at least maintain my health. It's been less than a month since I joined...I don't know what I expect.

#personal

[clesa]

Mission

I had a few minutes at work the other day so I decided to type up and print a personal mission statement. I have been lost for a while now and I will try anything to try to focus my life and efforts. The mission statement includes values and goals that covers all aspects of my life, not just fitness goals. So yeah. I got a nifty simple frame for it and it is sitting on my dresser. It is only a page but the goals I set for myself are huge but not impossible or unrealistic. The only obstacle is myself. I have always struggled with focusing but it's been almost impossible since April. I have tried talking about it but that hasn't helped and trying to forget is impossible. I struggle with whether I should give up or give it my best shot. I was on vacation last week and I lived like I gave up. I didn't leave the house, I ordered all my meals on grub hub, I showered twice, and slept whenever I wanted. I thought I'd feel some kind of relief living that way. But the world was waiting and it wouldn't go away. I'd have to leave the house eventually unless I won the lottery or went on welfare. So it wasn't a happy week... I am just rambling now. I want to live a full and happy life but if there are more moments like April waiting for me then I don't want to. I won't know unless I try...

#personal #April

[clesa]

Gym III

Two minutes until the gym opens. I am going to focus on cardio today and do any ab work at home comfortably. Waking up at 5 am to get ready is a challenge in cold weather so I am victorious whether I burn two hundred calories or eight hundred.

#personal #BGym

[clesa]

Gym II

My legs were still sore to the point of pain this morning but I went to the gym and went hard. Today was my first day working out alone so I didn't have a plan. I just tried the machines I had a feeling would be in my plan at least once. I was there for an hour and forty minutes. I ended with a 20 min interval(?) run on the treadmill. Afterwards I got a massage roller from Target. Best purchase ever! I wish I could pass out until I have to get ready for work but today is salon day...*sigh*

#personal #BGym

[clesa]

Gym I

I went to the gym for my first workout today. The free personal training session really worked me out from head to toe. As someone who craves routine and structure I am seriously considering a training package. It will also push me to go and show some progress. I was starving by the time I got home. With the workout and the walk to and from the gym, I burned about 800 calories according to my Polar FT4. I resisted the temptation to order out and instead had oatmeal, a banana, and tea. I will go to sleep in about an hour because I am working tonight. I hope today can be a good day from beginning to end.

#personal #BGym

[clesa]

Wannabe Gym Rat

I joined a gym! It’s less than $20 a month, it is clean, it opens early, and it is a twenty minute walk from my apartment. My first session is Monday. I made a schedule for the next four weeks that balanced school, work, and trips to the gym really well.

The next step is to build a daily meal plan. I think eating the same thing everyday day is the way to go. It guarantees a consistent number if calories and takes away the entertainment value of food. Food becomes fuel and I can explore other ways to entertain myself. Dinner is the most challenging meal to plan so far. I am not a fan of chicken breast but I guess I will just have to work on cooking it a way I can tolerate. Maybe one day I can eat for pleasure but not right now.

#personal

[clesa]

Jogging

Jogging is probably a better term for what I do. But running sounds better since I associate jogging with old ladies in 80s style track suits. My goal is to "run" at least twice a week. So far I can only track time, HR, and calories since I failed to sync my phone and Polar FT4. I will count the walks separately from the run since it's not really part if the workout, I just prefer it over taking the bus. Small goals are nice to have.

#personal #runn!ng

[clesa]

Risk

As long as I make plans that never take me out of my comfort zone I will never make progress. I am struggling with how to go about that...

#personal

[clesa]

Morning Light

I am waiting for the first light of dawn so I can leave for my second run. I am all dressed and ready to go. I run in everyday clothes; jeans, an a-line tee, hoodie, jacket,and scarf. It is a forty minute walk to the spot where I run and I wouldn't feel comfortable in traditional runner's clothes. When the snow starts to fall I will join a gym and run there. I suppose I will have to look into buying gym clothes then but for now I am okay running in jeans. I also don't want to invest too much money into something I may not keep up with...I ordered the Polar FT4 heart rate monitor but that's not exclusive to runners.

Although I am unsure if I will stick with running, I am excited to run today. I have been thinking about it constantly since my last run on Wednesday morning. I like the burn and ache in my muscles. I like feeling like I am building and shaping my body into a better version of itself. The amount of time it will take is still frustrating but all the work I put into it can only mean strength.

It's so exciting.

#personal #runn!ng

[clesa]

Run

I completed W1D1 of the Couch to 5K program. I am proud of myself for pushing myself to run for the full time I was supposed to run and for not giving up.

I am also sad. And frustrated.

I feel sad and frustrated because today was hard and exhausting and it is one of MANY future runs if I want to reach my goal.

I am reaaaallllyy impatient. Not just about weight loss and fitness but about everything. I has made me independent but some things would be better with help.

I know that two weeks or three weeks won’t get me where I want to be. I want to cry just thinking about it. I like exercise well enough but dieting..ugh.

I don’t know how to feed myself yet. I need to master moderation first.

#personal #runn!ng

[clesa]

Down

I must admit that the change in weather did bring on depression. For the past two weeks or so I only went between my apartment and work. I ordered rather than grocery shopped so it was quite an expensive depression. I have a small end of year bonus to look forward to but anyway, ordering out must stop again. I realize that I need some kind of schedule. When left to my own devices, I sleep and eat erratically and do my homework at the last minute. Getting into the local college library will be a hassle so I will settle for the public library despite how run down and small it is. I need a sleeve for my laptop now. I have decided to start the couch to 5k running program. I have a great running path in mind...but it is a 40 minute walk from my apartment. The pavement on my walk route is too uneven, I'd sprain or break my ankle for sure if I ran. I already ordered the Polar FT4 HRM to keep track of my HR and calories. I think the fact that I am under the dryer at the salon at this moment means that my slump is nearing the end. I have been putting this off for weeks despite the state of my hair. I am working tonight but I plan on slowing back down again. I've been back to my increased stress level. I am going to dust off my planner and start planning.

#personal

[clesa]

Time

The list of things I want to accomplish in my personal life continues to grow. I want to start running. I already know I could never run in a park or around my block so that means joining a gym. Upside is it’s a female only gym. Downsides are I have to cater to their schedule, it is a significant walk from my apartment, and that is another monthly bill.

I am still learning how to make the best use of my time between work and school. It is getting easier. I hope that running will improve my overall health and mood. A lot of times I just want to run not relax with yoga…

I am going to check out the gym on Thursday. I can only benefit from running. I can’t let poor time management hold me back.

#personal

[clesa]

Weekend

My weekend was relaxing. However, I did do my paper at the last minute, a habit I want to get out of. I started reading around 11am on Sunday but didn’t start writing until 9:45pm. If I had done it earlier I could have really relaxed instead of being anxious all day about the paper.

I’m a work in progress. Touching the reading early in the morning was still a big deal. At least I got a lot of exercise in while I was procrastinating.

#personal

[clesa]

Idle

Today felt like a real day off. I went shopping, saw my mom and uncle, and relaxed with yoga. I also watched a show in my living room while drinking coffee for the first time ever and I've been living here for six months! I didn't spend all day in front of the PC and I'm glad. I also didn't binge! If my days off had always felt this good I wouldn't be so stressed. I love my computer but that doesn't mean I should be on it 24/7. I am having trouble articulating how good this feels but anyway it was a good day.

#personal

[clesa]

Stress II

Last night was one of the least stressful work nights I’ve had in a while. The work load was heavy and I left late to take care of some things but I paced myself. Whenever I walked from my work area to the supply room or wherever, I made a conscious effort to breathe and pace myself. I will try to have the same kind of night again.

One mistake I made before last night was attempting to take a “time out” during my work day even with work left to be done. I told myself that it was necessary to keep me sane but the thought of starting up again made me anxious and I am sure it did more harm than good. I worked consistently from beginning to end last night.

When I got home I went grocery shopping then did yoga before bed. I slept well because I felt accomplished. I was in control of my day instead of letting time get away from me.

#personal

[clesa]

Stress

For the first time in about three years I am going to approach my work differently. I always run around and try to do everything on my own. This has resulted in back pain, headaches, anger, and stress. My job is not the type that rewards hard work. I am on the same level as senior employees who spend approximately 80% of their work day sitting down and/or sleeping.

My goal today is to pace myself and take advantages of the services available to me. My extra work is never acknowledged or appreciated by those in positions that matter. I would like to pick up some overtime to cover immediate expenses and my Spring vacation so I need to work in a way that won’t lead to burnout.

I hope it goes well

#personal

[clesa]

Flow

I spoke to a dear friend of mine last night for the first time in forever. If there was ever a sign to get myself together...I want to get to a point where I am no longer hiding myself from her. To a point where we can walk and talk and maybe even smile together once again.

I continue to practice yoga on my own. I believe I have made progress since I cried in the middle of my flow. I never cry but all of my defenses went down once I focused on my breathing. It felt good. I felt human.

Goals for this week

Be productive. I am ashamed at how long it has been since I have done the laundry. I never leave the house unless I have to which put me in a situation where I am literally down to my last pieces of wearable clothing and it's only for one more day of work. I also haven't been to the salon in about three weeks for the same reason; the world scares me and I want to hide from it. But this is the world. I can't hide from it forever. So I'll go to the laundry, the salon, the bank, the supermarket, and all the other places I need to go to be clean and healthy.

Spend wisely. The more money I have, the more careless I am. I don't go out or travel so after bills I am left with enough money that I can swipe my card without thinking about whether or not I will be overdrawn. This has lead me to give in to impulse purchases of games and take out. I hope to travel in the spring of 2014 and to buy a house/condo/co-op in three years so I need to be smarter. Carrying cash is one way to keep track of how much I am spending on "other" items. I will try it this week and see how it works.

Sleep. When I am off I stay up for as long as I can exercising, eating, and browsing the internet. I don't sleep, I pass out which is a problem. I avoid being alone in the dark and silence with my thoughts but I will always think and sleep is necessary. I have to get used to it.

I am sure I'll fail sometimes. I'll be miserable. I'll cry. But it's been 27 years of the same misery. It can't hurt to try. I'll keep my friend in my mind and continue to practice yoga and meditation.

#personal