dandie-on-the-wind

[dandie-on-the-wind]

[dandie-on-the-wind]

my mothers chicago

ive been thinking a lot about my hometown, which is relative because we moved so much but it was always in the valley and a lot of the valley is the same. i had this feeling i was missing out on the life i was supposed to have but didn't because i left.

i called my mother and she told me a lovely little story about how a woman at her job had a feeling she was a california girl, shes from texas but lived in california longer than anywhere else in her life. california is her chicago. she recounted the texas life she thought she was missing out on, and how when she moved back, she realized she really wasn't missing anything at all.

she agreed L.A. isn't right for me, it made me feel much better

i am afraid to turn out like my mother and i'm realizing our lives are proceeding similarly in sequence. she also left school after 2 years.

alas im not destined to work in a swanky bakery, marry a man, have 3 kids, be a disciple, so in my mind im already ahead

#probablypmsing #iswinteroveryet #worksucksiKNOW

[dandie-on-the-wind]

sending my gay lover to have their own van-lifer freedom because we're young and i support them in all things, and i don't want to have a mobile safe space;

is literally the gay version of sending a man off to battle

#gonna try and start using tumblr as my notes app cuz i WANNA #iwishtoconnect #dandiesdrawlings

[dandie-on-the-wind]

I wish kinky sex ed wasn't so stigmatized even among left-leaning "sex positive" circles. Everyone's all "uwu I'm a sub I'll do anything you ask" okay mommy wants you to read The New Bottoming Book so you learn how to sub without hurting yourself since your sex ed up to this point is porn and your ex boyfriend Jared who liked to choke you incorrectly

[dandie-on-the-wind]

wants

i want to sleep more i want to work more i want to talk to my coworkers more i want to work out i want to have a social life i want to know my career i want to make more money i want to love more i want to be a better partner i want to have the mental time and energy to think i want to learn how TO TYPE WITHOUT ONLY INDEX FINGERS but fuck its so hard

'you dont work all day'

okay fine, i work about 38 hours a week, 168 total in a week but well say in those 5 days theres 120, so 120-38 leaves 82 hours of time, but i sleep so take away at least 35 hours, 47 left, my commute is about 15 minutes each way so we'll say 2.5 hours a week for that, great 44.5 hours, but hey! i have a dog so we'll factor in about 4 hours a week for his walks, so now 40.5 hours for myself.

yknow what im doing with those hours? stressing. trying to sit down because my back and shoulder have been trying to fall apart, trying to block out my loud neighbors music that plays all the time, trying to ignore every sound i hear in the hallway because i live closest to the front door in this shithole and i hear everything that happens in and outside, calling my baby and trying to do light cleaning or unpacking but can't because this place is so small, trying to breathe because the aforementions make me breakdown or shutdown or panic, figure out what to eat or if i eat or why i eat, try doing chores and tasks but panicking, on the apps trying to keep up with my friends who are far away and doing things like college and traveling and loving and connecting, and i know social media is fake and curated but i know they are doing those things.

so much of my time is trying to be okay, i cannot avert my attention from this, thats not how i function, dont tell me i have time, dont tell me get over myself, dont tell me im special or sensitive, i just need help and time, ill be fine, always am

[dandie-on-the-wind]

HAHA NEVERMIND WE'RE GOOD

theres a street i found

its an inclined street, high and long

i just ran up and down it until i couldn't catch my breath until it hurt

and he fuckin said it

cant a father call and check on his daughter?

a month ago it was:

maybe we could be good friends later in life?

we are deluding each other for the money and i am just as bad as you

i hate that we do this

i never needed a father but god i wanted one

[dandie-on-the-wind]

uhm hi

soo much has happened and i dont have the energy to type it out but basically im letting things happen to me and i love my life now and im so glad i stayed alive and wow this place is cool and i love my job and my coworkers and im not broke anymore and i can afford things and im meeting so many new friends it's so cool and my dad and i ARE COOL NOW?! and my girl family is coming in three days!! also im in love againn, we know the drill just take it easy OH AND IM A LESBIAN HAH actually labels are stupid but thats the closest thing to what i would use as a label

life is beautiful and we have time

[dandie-on-the-wind]

i dont need a therapist i need my wardrobe styled and reworked STAT

[dandie-on-the-wind]

theres a street i found

its an inclined street, high and long

i just ran up and down it until i couldn't catch my breath until it hurt

and he fuckin said it

cant a father call and check on his daughter?

a month ago it was:

maybe we could be good friends later in life?

we are deluding each other for the money and i am just as bad as you

i hate that we do this

i never needed a father but god i wanted one

[dandie-on-the-wind]

so i didn't get that job i mentioned it was stolen under me BUT i got a way better one and its my third week there! i love it, the people are so genuine and i get to be myself. plus ill never go hungry!

ive been going to the dog park more and seeing movies again and i went to a coworkers for thanksgiving and im feeling a lot better. i knew a job would help me.

my family comes next month and ugh consumerism holiday is here im broooke (paychecks wont balance out for a bit)

i miss boy wonder and coward and mini cooper and my sister and my mother

but im BEGINNING TO BELIEVE WELL BE OK

[dandie-on-the-wind]

i picture myself at parties, someones table late november, sitting on the floor around a tree with friends and food and drinks and laughter. i picture phone calls, post tags, late night walks. surprise gifts and outings and getaways. helping with home projects or being a shoulder when tragedy strikes. to see and be seen and appreciated.

i never imagined the one thing i would want more than anything, was other people to want me around, ive spent so long being okay with being invisible and now its too late. i dont get invited to parties or calls, i dont have those connections. hell i do the same thing all the time, work, sleep, eat, walk dog, watch the world go by. its so hard to meet people when you're not in school. i even pretended to be a student to make friends and that became more loss than gain.

im just writing this because i feel alone every day but the holidays don't help. i can help set tables! dishes! make snacks and drinks! just let me sit at your table and pretend i belong for a night. please.

i survived so much shit, i mean im here for a reason! i thought people cared if i tried to leave! there were so many messages that day! but where are they now? where were they before then?

[dandie-on-the-wind]

wtf am i doing

helloo so i got a job-ish, i sign the papers later this week. im super broke and living off 2 pizzas for the next 5 days. i went and rode my bike and it honestly was so helpful? maybe im on the come up?

dont have boyfriend anymore, i think im a serial loner. whups. i need to get back to reading, or my camera or something

[dandie-on-the-wind]

but... she's still here

its friday the 13th and i still don't have a job and i'm so unbelievably depressed, its getting so bad. these stupid places wont get back to me and its maddening.

new boyfriend is very sweet and affectionate and blond and anxious and its going fine.

i got a new bong and im very excited about it, just need the grinder

really hope i get a job soon, its so tiring without it.

[dandie-on-the-wind]

crisp autumn air

October is here, my rent is paid, still trying to find a job.

still romanticising every detail in my new life.

i'm going to a poetry slam tonite and that should be fun! still got little room in the place to move but it'll work out.

oh! few days ago i hit a spliff too hard and rolled to the ground and passed out, in front of my new neighbors nonetheless. wild.

im having fun slowly and its great

[dandie-on-the-wind]

“Peach pits are poisonous. This is not a mistake. Girlhood is growing fruit around cyanide. It will never be yours for the swallowing.”

— Brenna Twohy, from Swallowtail  (via buttonpoetry)

[dandie-on-the-wind]

my entire life fits in one U-HAUL cargo van

i got a new room in my dream neighborhood! no more school! new neighbors! new places! transit access! it doesn't have my own bathroom or kitchen but thats fine with me!

im so unbelievably lucky that i made it here. i cannot wait for this next chapter!

[dandie-on-the-wind]

your life partner is the person you want holding your hand in that hospital bed

your most vulnerable, most tender state

#twilight #autumnontheair #i wrote it