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Aye let’s play

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Meanspo

God you disgust me. You whine and whine about how you hate your body and yet all you do is shove more and more food into your mouth. If you really didn’t like what you saw in the fucking mirror you would change. You wouldn’t eat just because someone hurt you pathetic feelings. You would get off your fat fucking ass and do something to change it. You would burn the calories instead of just packing more on. You’re pathetic and until you stop making excuses that’s all you’ll ever be.

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Predators: meanspo revolving around how fuckable u r

Me: if u think I'm starving myself for men who dont even wash their dicks u have another thing coming

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I feel bad for judging others, but do you ever look at people in public that are fat and think to yourself, “This is why I do this. I don’t want to end up looking like that.” I do this literally every time I see someone overweight.

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🌸🍭Losing weight won’t change your bone structure and facial features.🍭🌸

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Anorexia is deadly but frankly, « normal eaters » screw up their health too and they really think they’re in the right position to start blaming us and acting dramatic over our diet.

Well sorry Becky but if you eat fries for lunch you’re already hurting yourself as much as I do when I skip meals. It’s crazy the amount of shit people put in their mouths that gives them diabetes, cancer, and heart disease without them even knowing. Anorexia kills faster but your 5000 cals of fat and sugar everyday aren’t any good for you.

By the way, the point of an ED is that we don’t control it. People without an ED fully control everything they eat, and what do they do with that power? They eat SHIT. Don’t come lecturing me talking about « fasting too much is unhealthy » while you’re stuffing your mouth with motherfucking McDonald’s. It’s not surprising that some people, like me, start seeing food itself as a disease, since people are turning food into a disease.

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Person: But, you’re not fat!

Me: I’m not skinny tho

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apparently the correct response to "you're acting like you have anor*xia" is not "nah I don't, I'm not skinny enough yet"

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𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐟𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐢𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥

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Dear me,

You're nothing .

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𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐬𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐯𝐞, 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐨𝐝𝐞𝐥

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Spoke too soon about the apathy. Friday had the worst anxiety I’ve had in a few weeks. People at work kept giving me weird looks, told everyone I’d had too much caffeine. Which is true, I got it in my head that if I stopped drinking coffee/energy drinks, I was going to crash and something bad was going to happen. I lost count of the coffee, but I had an entire four pack of V.  The drive home was horrible. Even going through the drive-thru and planning a binge didn’t help. I was grinding my teeth, pulling at my hair. I was tempted at every red-light to just keep driving and let whatever hit me. I needed to keep moving. I don’t know why. Something bad was about to happen. For the entire fucking day, I was on edge and resisting the urge to pace land talk to myself ike a fucking schizo because ‘something bad’ was going to happen.  I have no idea what this bad thing was. I wanted to die, so I wasn’t scared of something killing me, and what is worse than dying? I don’t know. I didn’t feel safe, and I wanted to die.  Got home, turned music on really loud and paced about for a bit. Ate everything in my kitchen and purged. I kind of spaced out for a bit, I don’t know how long I was there with my finger down my throat, but I did feel calmer. Still antsy, but I had a hold of it. No gym visit.   Went to sleep sometime around 5. Woke up around 10. Stayed in bed all day. DIdn’t eat much. Can’t remember much else. Except I didn’t go to the gym again.  Today, stayed in bed again. Felt a little bit out of it, actually felt kinda okay. Didn’t do anything productive. Was fine with that until late afternoon. Didn’t go to gym today either. I only went three days this week. Maybe that’s why my thoughts are fucking me up so badly.  Just got home from a drive. Driving sometimes helps. Didn’t tonight, kinda stressed me out more because I kept getting urges to drive somewhere with a view from a high place. I know not to do that, I’m not sure how I’ll be with that, I’m scared of heights and fantasize about standing close to edge and passing out from vertigo or some shit.  Tried eating, but feel nauseous. Everything tastes like cardboard, and I’m not getting the rush from the sugar. I just feel disgusting.   Purged again. Feeling better. Now realising that I didn’t purge so I could binge, I binged so I could purge. I hope this isn’t a reoccuring thing, but I have a sinking feeling that it might be. LIke the smoking, and the self-harm. I keep getting hooked on all this bad coping mechanisms. I’ve tried meditating, and reading, and working out, and none of it works. Working out does, but I need to be IN a gym. Can’t be at home. It’s not the same.  I want to talk to someone, but my mouth feels wrong saying this shit out loud. And I’m trying to organise my thoughts, structure them so that if I do manage to talk about them, I won’t sound like I need to be admitted somewhere.  I want to talk to a guy from work. I don’t know why. I think maybe I like him? I don’t know. I’ve never really liked anyone before. He confessed to me a few weeks ago, kissed me, and I literally had a anxiety/panic attack and called my mum to pick me up. She had to give me a valium to calm me down. I respect this guy. He’s opened up about stuff, and doesn’t pressure me to open up. Again, I think maybe I might like him? The thought of being physical with him makes me sick though. I realise I’ve never had sex with someone I know. It’s always been strangers, and I’ve always kind of tuned out during the act. Did it because I felt I had to, not really because I wanted to. I think I might have had a mental break, because the other shit started getting more intense after all that. Also my father was arrested. I haven’t told many people about that, for obvious reasons. But it feels good to scream it to the void. Arrested. The fucker was arrested. Commercial supply. I wrote a character reference for court because I felt I had to. Pretty much lied.  Is that a felony? Mum talks all the time, needing to vent. Tells me things I never knew about him. Showed text messages. Such a manipulative sociopath. I knew he was a narcissist, but this is next level shit. I’m trying not to think about. DOn’t know why I’m thinking about it now. I thought I’d processed my daddy issues years ago. But I made peace with that shit under the assumption that my father still loved me in his own way.  Now I’m thinking, does he really love me at all? At all?  Sorry for the verbal diarrhea. In real life, I try to keep my shit together. I’m the rock. But stuffs been starting to leak out, and I need to reign it in before people start noticing and acting concerned. I don’t want anyone to notice. I don’t want anyone to ask questions. You can’t take it back once everything it out there. But I still want to talk my crazy talk. So I come here. And now I feel a bit better. Rather this than cutting or burning myself. Tired of the scars.  Regards.  

#ignoreme #rant #nevermind #binge

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𝐩𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧, 𝐢𝐭'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐭.

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I’ll be honest, I have no idea who any of the kpop idols are that I see frequently in this community.

But my god are they pretty.

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note to self. 😩

Its hurts more to be this fucking F A T than it is to feel some hunger pangs SITCK W IT HOe