despairedsins

[despairedsins]

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i’m a little bloated today because i ate taco bell at 3am and that’s okie :3

#ed relapse #emo girl #skiny girl #i wanna be tiny #tw b1nge #ed body check #femcel #disordered eating thoughts #edblrr #anagirl

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slowly getting there :) but ppl r being so mean ab it like fuck off i look good

#tw ana diary #ed relapse #emo girl #skiny girl #i wanna be tiny #tw b1nge #disordered eating thoughts #ed body check #femcel #edblrr #i wanna be skinnier

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me: i wanna be skinny so bad 😭😭

also me: only eats junk food

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I started my christmas off by pondering my “mommy issues”. Just writing about how I felt towards her growing up and wondering why there are still remnants of that at 30 years old. Specifically, why I over personalize and at times, infantilize her. I started by talking about my childhood and how her absence affected me, but more importantly, the idolization and love I felt toward her despite circumstances facilitating resentment and even hatred. By the end of the writing, I was talking about her childhood and how she must have felt with her own circumstances. I was explaining her decisions and why she made them and I worried it would appear as though I was making excuses for her and that was frustrating me. I don’t excuse her actions, I understand them. I understood them as a child far too young to be dealing with those things, and I understand them even more as an adult who has lived a very similar life to her at this point.

While trying to explain that sense of understanding, I realized something. The way I feel toward her is almost maternal. I show her the love I needed to be shown as a child and the love she deserved to be shown as well. I view her through the lens of a mother. I was aware I did this with other people. I deeply struggle with hearing stories of people I love being abused and feeling unloved as children and desperately wishing I could go back in time and be the mother they deserved and I tend to fill that role for them in current life. It’s created a lot of unhealthy dynamics and I’m sure there’s a deeper psychological “problem” with feeling that way, but I’m less interested in that today and more interested in finally making that connection with my own mother. It’s strange realizing I feel maternal toward her, but it’s not so strange when I acknowledge that I feel that way for everyone I love. It only makes sense she would be included especially with her most likely being the root of it all.

Overall, an odd start to Christmas, but the realization has already made it a satisfying one. I’ll probably look into it all a bit later. Right now, I’m going to enjoy this sense of progress and enjoy some much desired alone time.

[despairedsins]

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me & bae in the bar bathroom doing coke n shi

i love him so much

#i wanna be tiny #emo girl #ed body check #edblrr

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GLOOMY BEAR ADDICT! <3

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This mindset>>

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Bad pic of my back but do I have a small waist? plz be honest

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Any day that I take a shower is a good day.

This is your reminder to take a shower! 💖

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more of my thinspo for motivation bc i don't want to stop this time although i am yearning to look like this again i can't help but be mad at myself for letting it go i worked so hard to drop all the weight n now i just eat n look like pig its so hard not to hate urself when ur actions can be so selfish i don't want to go through this shitty process again but now i have to bc i redeveloped a fatty mentality but things have changed, i won't stop.

#i wanna be thinner #edblrr

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