diary-of-a-vampire

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Sometimes I’m sad I even have this tought,

But sometimes, it feels like I would be easier to love if I was still a child. And I get reminded by that every time. And it hurts.

I know that isn’t the case, and it just feels like even this tought and hurt about it is my own fault.

But I feel like growing up to be an adult, honestly expressing myself in all weird ways, makes me less loveable, less deserving of love.

Like I got rid of something everyone loved without having to think twice, and now there’s me, still parts of who I was - but mostly of who I am now trying to suppress.

And every time I try to mold myself into the person I used to be for people closest to me, and then I feel wrong when I’m not anymore. And that I just can’t get close to them. It feels like it’s all my fault.

Like I’m a bad person for having changed.

I’m sorry I grew up, even if I’m still a little childish lately. It makes me hate myself.

And not because I don’t like myself this way, but because I feel like I’d be so much easier to love if I was still a child.

I’m sorry, I don’t want to wear pink dresses anymore. I’m sorry, I wear black eyeliner and cut my hair short. I’m sorry, if I have so many piercings. I’m sorry, if I stick out my tongue and raise my middle finger when I’m angry. I’m sorry, I can’t keep all of my emotions to myself anymore. I’m sorry, if that ruins the mood. I’m sorry, if the art I make isn’t cute anymore - and rather weird, like I always tried to erase in my sketchbook already as a kid. I’m sorry, I paint my nails black, I know it’s not what people wanted.

I’m sorry I’m not straight, like I thought I needed to be to feel normal. I’m sorry, I’m skinny, and don’t have chubby cheeks like I had as a kid, and already hated then. I’m sorry, I don’t look like I’m soft, even if my personality still is. I’m sorry, I have so many scars I didn’t have as a kid. I’m sorry, I have so many thoughts, even if I always kept them from everyone as a kid.

I’m sorry, my friends are alternative or a bit strange like me. I’m sorry, if I take medication in order to not have those crazy moodswings. I’m sorry, I actually like to be this way, and like to be weird and expressive and paradoxical and confused and intense - even if I hate it at moments.

I’m sorry, I feel like I don’t feel comfortable to truly be and explore all of myself - even if I always feel like I’ll regret it later.

I’m just too afraid.

And I’m sorry, I seek validation so extremely much.

But truth is, I always loved black, and piercings, and also pink, and soft things. I always liked to draw weird, scary things and cute things as well. I always thought gay and lesbian couples looked more natural and normal to me. I always thought black nail polish was cool. And crazy hairstyles were amazing, even if I’m too afraid to screw up, so I just vary in length; not color (I always wanted it pink though). I loved vampires, and I’m just tired…

And all of the above, I didn’t ‘think’, I just felt. And knew. Something I rarely do lately, cause it’s easier to question myself than feel my real emotions.

Perhaps, my inner child should like me. Not assuming people like me better if I was like child-me again.

I’m still the same person. And change is necessary. To grow.

At least, change into an adult I am now.

Even if I feel weirdly guilty and ashamed of the way I turned out to be some times.

Perhaps I still am the way I was as a child already, now I can just express myself better because I always felt guilt and shame around other parts of me. Afraid they might not be accepted somehow.

So why am I so afraid of rejection?

Perhaps because I knew back then I’d be accepted anyways in some weird way, I guess I had an ill mindset then already.

And now I feel like I won’t. At least, sometimes.

Well, whatever. Who cares anyway.

So how do I actually accept myself and express myself, without feeling too much or undeserving if I don’t get constant validation or acceptance?

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Diary of a vampire, pretending to be human is vandaag 5 jaar geworden!

#tumblr birthday #tumblr milestone

[diary-of-a-vampire]

I just feel so deeply lonely again lately, and I don’t even really know why…

I wish I had a girlfriend, or just someone to talk to. Because there are so many options, but none feels really right to talk to.

And I’m really tired of feeling so anxious again… and I’m also afraid to show my therapist how I feel. And I don’t even know why.

And I just wish I could cry right now. I’m sitting alone on the toilet of station, but no tears come out. Even if I wish I could, it would make me feel better. It’s like I don’t even really have a purpose.

I’m depressed again… and I don’t know why after things finally went so well.

I guess it’s okay. Maybe I’m just a bit tired from the past days of school.

Some days I don’t really like myself anymore again, then I just feel fat and too feminine. Some days I wish I was a boy. I don’t know why i feel this hole in my heart, but I feel ashamed of it and hope I won’t cry in public…

I just crave a hand to hold, and someone to talk to.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

It happened again, and I don’t even feel guilty anymore. I kept wanting do go deeper, even if I know it’s dangerous. Somehow, it’s like I don’t even really care about anything anymore lately.

All seems so bleak as to how it used to be lately, and I don’t even know why because I can understand I have the best life.

I felt depressed and didn’t even understand why because I don’t feel like I have a reason.

At least my mind feels refreshed again, and I feel like I should care more about the way I’m actually doing this to myself - I guess it has become familiar and ‘normal’ to me.

I care less about the scars it leaves, somehow, I have this perhaps bad mindset where I even hope someone will see my scars, and wonder if I’m doing fine - even if I know I’ll be fine again in summer and wonder why I did this.

Don’t want my mom to see them, since she already said ‘but it’ll leave scars’, yeah, so? Just stop talking about it, pretend it’s not there, somehow, it triggers me - but I should say that, she can’t know that I guess.

Im always triggered lately, or bleak, or lost; lights are one but nobody’s home when I look in the mirror some days. I don’t know what’s wrong with me honestly, perhaps I’m bored… I guess I should find myself stupid, but I don’t even feel anything. It’s like I don’t even really care.

I notice I chase people who are wrong for me and push away those who aren’t - and then I don’t know what’s right or wrong or left or right or my path or anything. Sometimes… I don’t know.

When has everything become so complicated again? Or were things never easy to begin with? It feels like it’s all my fault, like I’ll make a mess out of everything. I don’t know.

I want to write more, but I’m tired. The realisation of what I just did hasn’t sunken in… should I feel guilty for being this way, actually taking a knife and hurt myself?

I feel good, but I also feel empty right now. Somehow lately, I notice, that it doesn’t even hurt anymore - at least, less. Perhaps I’m an addict, and I want to keep feeling more and more, until one day it might be the death of me. I don’t know…

Somehow I have moments where I feel lonely again, but I also don’t feel like doing anything about it. I also like to do things on my own.

Perhaps that’s where loneliness comes from, idk. Whatever.

For me, I have so little scars, like I’m not even sick enough. Afraid they’ll fade and everything I’ve been through might’ve been for nothing and wasn’t even bad enough to be seen or remembered.

But I guess for someone else who doesn’t self harm it’s a whole lot… I don’t know… should it even matter?

I wish I had a girlfriend already…

Whatever, perhaps I just need some sleep or something. I hope I won’t be too shocked when the realisation of what I’ve done has kicked in - right at the spot where I wanted a pretty tattoo :( did I ruin it now?

Perhaps that’s my own fault then…

I don’t know what to think anymore, I don’t feel like being sad for that now - even if that would be better and would perhaps stop me if there is a next time.

Whatever, all will be fine. I hope (because my anxiety is more high again).

Good night <3

[diary-of-a-vampire]

I'm exhausted. Exhausted of everything lately. Not the exhausted like in high school - the exhausted were I didn't even want to exist anymore. Just the exhausted, that makes me wonder what the point is in everything. The only things I feel like I can, is draw, or write - lately, even that is too much. Hell, I'm even afraid to show my art to other people. Then, what even is my point? I don't even understand why I'm so terribly frightened to show the things I put my heart and soul in. Even if lately sometimes, I feel like my soul is sucked out of my body.

Connections in real life feel meaningless, no matter how friendly. Going to school feels pointless, what am I even doing there, if so much social anxiety, and only quietly sitting there? Sometimes I genuinely laugh about a friend, and then I wonder, why people even like me. Other times I see people laugh, and I wonder what's the point, isn't it a fake laugh like the one I mostly put on my face?

I'm at that point where I don't even want someone to share my feelings with. They're way too big anyways, and it's meaningless - all connections lately feel so surface levelled, pointless - even if I'm grateful.

Best friend that abandoned me for someone else, other old friend I cut contact with because I felt suffocated - I miss you and yet I don't. Reaching out to me would even feel like too much. Everything is too much.

Too many sounds make me go exhausted, life feels unreal, more often I look at my hands again and wonder if I even exist. More mental breakdowns and the confidence I once had, completely shattered. The reflection of my bus mirror shows a worn out face, dark circles and cheekbones that stick out too much. I don't even know who I am again lately, not even who I want to be.

I'm stuck, and my pills don't work well enough if you ask me. They keep away my anxiety sometimes, and they calm me down when I'm too much. But whenever I feel sad or depressed, it just doesn't stop the hole in my chest from sinking deeper - and the ocean behind my eyes from swallowing me at that moment.

People try to be friendly and tell me 'at least you tried,' or 'at least you showed up.' they mean well when I'm too afraid to do something or get anxious. But I've had these moment ever since I can remember in my life; wanting to do things so badly and when low, getting stopped by my mental health. I tried everything over the past years whenever I was low and anxious - but people don't understand it makes me even more frustrated. Because, after all these years, at some point, trying or being present doesn't bring you further to your dreams and I don't like it - even if I know they mean well.

I really just needed someone to sit with me, and let me cry, and ask me how I am. How I really am.

But you know, Charlie always goes on, even after crying puts a big smile on their face, and barely complains - so I guess people think I'm stronger than I actually am...

I want to be seen and heard, but I also don't. I'm tired trying for so long to live like a person without mental illness, no matter what I do. And no matter how well I feel again everytime, and how much hope I gather - I always end up here again. I hate it so much.

I wish I could show my art and become the artist I wish to be, but I'm too scared. And even if I want to when I'm low, my mental illness always tries to push me down.

Numerous times I've heard people tell me 'But don't say you can't! You can do anything if you want to!' I've heard it too many times, and it makes me sick.

My brain makes it impossible to live my life sometimes. Even physically, I get unwell, and I tremble and shake and just barely function at that moment. And I wish people would understand. Because I'm not just a little anxious; I get sickly frightened, I get outrageous when I'm angry, my body physically hurts whenever I am sad, when I'm too happy, I get annoying and have so much energy up until it doesn't feel good anymore.

I only express it when I'm home alone, or only sometimes at home.

However, when I'm fine, I can go weeks or months being grateful, good, content, confident and feeling good. Without these swings or lonely feelings.

I wish I was feeling good again like last year around this time. Where I was convinced I would find a girlfriend - because now I feel like love doesn't even exist, and I wouldn't even want it. Where I felt good-looking and wasn't so tired and had so much inspiration - in contrast to now, where I don't even know what to think of my body, and feel dissapointed in my face and myself and everyone else a lot of the time. Last year, where I used to be so happy, and made friends and could relax - in contrast to now, where my mood keeps swinging and I have irrational fears and an imagination too big. Now, where I even see black spots in the sky when I'm stressed and move so slow in nervous breakdowns. Back then, when I woke up in winter - and it felt like summer. In contrast to this summer, where I woke up, and I felt like winter and felt like I was slowly going insane.

I keep telling myself I'm not depressed, and when I'm well, I'm doing fine - but maybe I am depressed again lately at moments. Because today, I don't feel like anything - not even the things that used to make me excited.

I know, my good feeling will come back though, until I overwork myself to the point of going obsessed and deeply irritable - only to feel insecure and tired and have a nervous breakdown and get sad again eventually. It's like a loop. And I just want to feel so confident again like then...

Perhaps I'm just lonely, and should do something about it. But I don't feel like trying, I don't feel like doing anything - I don't even know why I should.

Perhaps I isolate myself too much, or am just doing it all for attention - but honestly, I wouldn't even wish this upon an enemy if I had one. Perhaps I isolate myself, but it's so fun to always know no one reaches out, even when you always make sure to try so anyone doesn't feel like this when you're around.

Perhaps, I can't be myself. I feel worthless lately and underserving of even the smallest friendly gestures and it's like my whole personality just fades in front of me when I'm around other people. I'm someone else when I'm alone or at home - and then I change into this bleak person again when other people are around. I'm someone else, but I feel like people would reject me somehow, I just can't be who I am supposed to be when insecure - except when I feel confident and it all doesn't affect me.

Perhaps, I can only give, and not receive. Perhaps, I'm just not destined to always be happy - and to go in waves, otherwise, my art wouldn't really have any inspiration, I guess...

I don't know. I'm just tired, and I don't feel like trying. And even if I don't have the right to, I just feel let down.

And you know what's even more hilarious? Perhaps I'll wake up again tomorrow, like nothing's wrong - all back to normal until it goes like this again. Who knows, I'll feel better again tomorrow, and this all feels made up. (I hope so)

[diary-of-a-vampire]

I feel depressed again. I’m doing so well - and even made homework. I dance around my room because it finally all goes my way and I have hope again. I’m so happy and euphoric even.

And *snap*, there I go again,

Something doesn’t go my way, and I immediately sink back into body dysmorphia again, I hate myself, how I can’t make choices of my own, I want to lay in bed and not do the homework I wanted to make so badly a while ago anymore. Don’t want to see friends, even want to cancel last minute for the third time - but considering taking a pill if I do feel that way when the time comes, because I don’t want to disappoint them and all might go well and it might be fun after all.

Wish I could fucking cut myself and cut my hair short - even when I was happy I actually thought I could maybe keep long hair because I felt so confident.

I slid back into crying and finding it hard to even think of the simplest tasks, all is too much, my eyes get big again, weird ideas and thinking too fast, all must be perfect and I hear that voice in my back getting harder again. Sentences repeating and echoing through my head and not understand what went wrong; do I need to draw more - or actually less? Post online, or not at all like now? What did I do wrong to be here again?

Feel like a prisoner in my own body and hate my curves.

Took a pill, finally it helps after an hour. I’m just tired this keeps happening. I’m exhausted I can’t ever seem to do what I want. It’s exhausting.

Because even if my mom said ‘I don’t like a tongue piercing, but fine, if you want it; make an appointment’ makes me go insane and double.

Two forces inside of me always coming back to being polar opposites and having a different opinion, and honestly, it feels like I’m being hit by lightning at that moment - and teared into two pieces. Like some monster is chewing on me and I can just feel myself getting slow;

Harder to walk, harder to talk normally, harder to act normally - it’s just stupid and useless.

I just want to do what I want, but why am I holding myself back?

I’d rather hurt myself than dissapointed my family, and I guess that’s just terrible.

I’d rather dissapointed my family than feel this pain.

And yet again, my two pieces get into a fight, and I’m struck by lightning.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

I’m just tired, and I don’t even know why. I wish I could cut my hair short instantly, and I wish I could get a tongue piercing instantly, I wish I would lose weight and feel skinny again and I wish my face didn’t feel so chubby. I wish my helix piercing wasn’t acting weird and I already wished I had a silver industrial barbel.

I wished I was confident again, I wish I didn’t fucking care and had the balls to do what I wanted this instant. I wish I didn’t care about posting about my for people who know me on my art account.

I wish I could wear goth clothes and not care about my family. To post vlogs online and not care. I’m exhausted of everything.

But maybe I wish, I didn’t care so much about other’s opinions. Why do I care when it’s my body, my account and my art?

It makes me hate myself yet I can’t do anything right now, I’m fucking exhausted and to be honest, I want to cut myself again and just skip school because I feel so insecure again.

But I’m trying to be clean to get my tattoo.

I’m so fucking tired I don’t have close friends, or at least one. One with whom I would feel comfortable with - but that will never happen.

I’m exhausted.

I’m so fucking tired of pretending to be someone I’m not and not even knowing who I am…

It hurts - it even hurts physically.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Things I want to do in 2024:

- Get my ; semicolon ; tattoo at being six months self-harm clean

- Get a tongue piercing, and wear cute jewellery with it

- Get short/boy haircut

- Excersise more and eat more healthy

- Do face massages more often

- Finally feel like me in my appearance

- Change my industrial to a silver bar

- Draw

- Not be so sad

- Not care

- Have more money so I feel more free

- Get medication for my mental illness and get diagnosed properly

- Be happier

- Be less stressed

Other things:

- Go to a cat cafe

- Write letters

- Get a girlfriend and come out of the closet

[diary-of-a-vampire]

When I was a kid, I loved wandering around the big garden. I loved the old, melancholic looking weeping willow - as a child already I had this thing for the more melancholic things in life as well as the happy ones. I loved walking over the small, wooden bridge with chipped, red paint. I loved picking up stuff that fell from the walnut tree or even noticing the rotten apples around the other small trees.

I loved the stone steps that led me towards part of the garden no one knew or could see - my secret place. I loved how when I was there, no one was there to argue, or scream, to hit or to walk away, to say mean things to each other. I couldn’t see my parents argue, I didn’t feel afraid. And I didn’t have to talk or to smile or to make myself invisible - I just had to be. Be myself.

Just me, and nature that could never hurt me. Just her, and her childlike innocence.

I loved the flowers, and trees, the gloomy weather and the water from where I can’t even remember my vague reflection in.

I can’t remember all of the garden, but I can feel it still.

And now that I actually feel my feelings, I miss home. I miss the garden, I always felt so peaceful wandering around and getting lost in. I miss that solitude and feeling as if time didn’t exist. As if I was walking around in a daydream, because I loved making up stories and hiding in my fantasy world. Even if I can’t even remember it.

I miss my garden. I miss my lost childhood - even if I can’t remember the majority and don’t want to remember.

Even if I can’t remember the war at home, I can still feel it inside of my bones sometimes. I’m so grateful for the good moments and how some tried their best to try and save me from all of it, however, I hate how big part of her childhood was filled with unsafe and dangerous moments, parents constantly fighting and getting abusive, weird moments, mean actions, sharp words and pain.

I’m glad I can’t remember, but sometimes,

I miss the garden. My garden I never even got to say goodbye to.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

I don’t know if I’m the one who wants to change everything about me - just to feel worthy by people I shouldn’t even want approval of. Or if the people around me have been so abusive in the past, that I don’t even have hope they could ever accept the real me. As I get older it’s like I’m losing parts of me, and I might never find them back. Maybe I’m just blaming others again, or making it all worse than it really is.

Because sometimes I wish I could just cut my hair short or actually let is be long and try to come out - at least have a conversation to figure out wheter I’m androgynous or perhaps a boy. To come out of the closet as a lesbian for now, and have noone question me or wonder if it has a certain reason that needs to be solved or just at least support me to come out of my comfort zone.

To accept me for liking piercings, and actually encourage me. To think of things when I say I want my own business, not too much unasked advice or scared ideas even if they mean well.

To leave and never look back and never have to feel like I have to make myself small again - it’s eating me alive. And I’m scared to grow up and regret life later one. I’m also scared to take the wrong turn when I follow my heart.

But why is it? Why is it I crave so much approval from the people who hurt me most?

Do I feel like I still want their love deep down, and will never receive it when I actually choose me? I keep believing I’m happy and have a grateful life and I am grateful and wouldn’t change a thing, with myself, and the way I can’t express myself honestly and truthfully - I am deeply unhappy.

I’m so afraid of rejection and I don’t even know why. I don’t even understand why I’m afraid of rejection of the people that used to abuse me… Is it because there’s still a part of me that wishes for their approval and therefor feels worth of love.

Because if your own family can’t even give you the feeling of acceptance and of true warmth for you being your authentic self and enthusiasm (even if a lot of families lack that, I know) - then, how can I?

How can I truly accept myself, when I haven’t even been able to show all of me due to fear of rejection?

Im so fucking tired and exhausted and afraid of wasting my time and not living - it’s like 2023 passed by and all is one big blur. With myself, I am so deeply unhappy.

There, I said it. When it comes to me, I’m truly unhappy I can’t express myself, I can’t allow myself to go for my own dreams, to let others down. I’m in a cage with an open part, I can fly away whenever I want to, but I keep plucking and biting and hurting my wings - abusing my feathers so I don’t even have a choice and stay, just to try and make my others content. Even if I want to fly away and be free.

I’d rather be a bird without brain so I can’t even feel this agony, but I am. Why am I doing this to myself? I have such a problem of letting my family down, that I’m letting myself down and I don’t even want that anymore.

I just want to choose me, but it’s too complicated honestly. My fear of rejection has reached such a low point right now, that I don’t even know who I am anymore - parts of me are fading and aren’t even happy for the things I used to be happy for.

I wish people would help me express myself; but they don’t. Even if they mean well, it’s like they don’t understand.

Im so tired and I want to cut again. But I won’t, because I promised myself that tattoo by six months clean.

It’s not just a piercing, or just a tattoo, or just a different hair cut, or weird face makeup, or fashion I chose - it’s me. It’s me who I am always hiding, but it’s so exhausting,

Because lately I can’t even express myself anymore, only through art.

And it’s exhausting, I crave such validation from the people I’d rather avoid most of the times.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

First choice,

It was never really an option; rather a choice - to let it affect me so.

But honestly, to me, it was never a choice of how it would affect me,

Just like my moodswings, and anger, and extreme sensitivity; I never wanted to be this way.

People are friendly with me, I love my friends, but then something changes, and I feel cold again,

Seeing certain things I wasn’t invited to, or didn’t go to with them - and then I notice how painful it feels deep inside of me.

Probably other people feel this way too, maybe even when I do fun things and I don’t notice - but it hurts today again.

Why won’t more people talk to me? Or ask how I’m doing? Even if it would make me tired a lot of the time.

Im tired. Tired again for a bit.

I just want to post my art - but afraid of others I know, maybe I should just block them, and go my own way.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Tomorrow I’ll finally come out as non-binary at school 🎉 (I’ll keep you updated - if I remember to)

[diary-of-a-vampire]

I act as if I don’t care about love, but sometimes I daydream of having a girlfriend, and showing her my silly stories and writings - and looking back at how I’m content with myself, in contrast to now.

I hate myself for being so depressed, when my life is amazing, and the people and loved ones in it are amazing too. I hate how I can’t be happier again and reach out more - because I feel like I’m living in one of the best chapters of my life and I’m just a big ink stain, just screwing up the beautiful paper with it’s elegant sentences…

I feel like I should be enjoying this time of my life, when all I do is think and feel like shit because of myself. I feel guilty for the people that I love and feel like I should try better and am wasting my fucking time.

I hate me now. And I hope I’ll feel better soon, even if it means taking drugs or medicine for my mental illness - even if I fucking have no clue what the hell is wrong with me.

I just want help sooner, honestly. So I can enjoy my life again. And hopefully can show the people I love, how much they mean to me.

I hate being so dysmorphic and insecure and depressed and low motivation and little sleep when literally nothing’s wrong…

I hate how I’m not able to be better - like I was last year :( it makes me so fucking sad.

But maybe I should just keep in mind all will be better - and I just hope soon.

I hope I will genuinely smile again. I hope I will like myself again.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Sometimes, I wonder if I just feel so lonely or isolated at times - that I don’t even feel loneliness anymore, and I’ve gotten used to it.

Tonight I found myself wishing I had a younger sister - as a kid I always wished for an older brother, who would comfort me when I was sad, and someone who would look like me, but way cooler. Someone who would protect me, and do fun sibling things with me.

That’s all seen from rose-colored glasses, I know.

But if I do that again when it comes to a younger sister,

It would be so nice that someone would fully believe in me and tell me so.

She would maybe even find me cool, and ask me questions. We could listen together to my metal or k-pop music, and she would wonder about my androgynous clothes - and I could explain her how there’s more than just ‘woman’ or ‘men’.

I could teach her how to do her make-up, and teach her, that it’s fine to express yourself anyway you want - and that it doesn’t matter how a boy or girl she likes in the future will see her. That she’ll never have to do anything for anyone else’s approval.

Perhaps, I would try to teach her all that I was never taught - no matter how much people around me have tried their best… (i’m sorry)

Perhaps, it’s a daydream of how I was never taught to love the things I thought others wouldn’t like about me - turning me into an anxious, overworked, exhausted, at times crazy, perfectionistic, too deep thinking, analytical, physically painful extreme feeler, afraid of letting others down, constant on the hunt of other’s approval, confused adult that’s terrified of rejection so - that even if other’s do approve them, they still can’t believe it and get self destructive, because their fear of rejection is rooted so deeply, they’ll never truly feel content with themselves in depressive episodes. Never learned how to trust on their own feelings. Probably adhd and maybe even autistic, definitely traumatised and perhaps mildly bipolar.

Sometimes I don’t understand why people even like me, and if I even deserve it.

Maybe I make it seem worse then it is… I also have so many good times in my life - because of the people I love. And it is me that makes my like hell at times…

I wish I had a younger sister who would get along with me - or an older brother who would’ve been like me and showed me all would be well when I grew up.

I wish someone would support me in every decision I made, and that it wouldn’t be so hard to not care about anyone’s approval.

That I could feel my age. That I could laugh more. That someone would walk around with the same pair of eyes as me, the same questions as me - or other ones, the same likes. Someone that’s curious and kind-hearted about my life, just in an innocent way. Just a sibling, who would act like a sibling.

A younger sister, who I could at least try to protect from all misery of growing up. Or not growing up, just of other human-beings, supposed to accept you for all that you are, who put others in misery, and give you the feeling you can’t safely be yourself - and will do damage to your brain forever if you don’t know how to cope with it on your own.

Or an older brother, with who I could talk to about anything. Not just a good friend, someone that’s been with me since day one. Someone that was supposed to protect me, and hopefully not hurt in secret himself. A brother who could explain to me what it’s like to be a boy - or who would have inside jokes with me.

I’m so grateful of everyone and all in my life and wouldn’t change a thing - but sometimes I just wonder. But this is for the best. I’m someone that likes peace and silence anyways.

I’m just tired of pretending to be someone I’m not for all my life - or just getting out of that but it being harder than I ever expected.

Because I want to many things, but I’m too tired because I keep doubting and choosing what’s safe. I don’t want to care of the approval of others - I don’t want to care of how my family sees me.

I’m so fucking tired. And afraid I might grow old not having lived my life to the fullest of who I am.

But I’m also so afraid of rejection and turning the wrong way and not being able to go back.

But then, wouldn’t that say more about those people than is says about me?

I’m just lonely, I guess… I want a girlfriend :( not for the sake of having a girlfriend, but just someone to rest with. I’m exhausted.

Whatever, I guess.

It’s better not having an extra sibling, it’s way less chaotic that way. And I like it better this way.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Lately, I’ve been feeling well. But honestly it’s because I took a week off of school, while it’s the first week of the second half of this semester.

I’m doing good; I can stay up as long as I want, do whatever I want, draw whatever I want, eat what I want. I don’t feel like reaching out to friends, I don’t feel like faking motivation for homework - since it’s been way too exhausting lately, like in this animation. Perhaps, I’ve been doing things against what I actually liked for too long, and now I’m unconsciously trying to make up for it.

I only want to draw my feelings, and am addicted to social media again. I hope to play the piano again, or bass, or perhaps think about 2024 goals, or make an important list for my psychiatrist about what’s bothering me.

But honestly, why does it feel so good to escape, every time again?

Why does it feel, like time is on pause, like I can finally breathe - when I cut off all contact, and don’t think about my responsibilities?

I used to do this in my first depression too, and now - even if I’m managing better, I’m doing it again.

I wonder if I shouldn’t feel more guilty for only drawing parts of my inner world, if I shouldn’t care more about friends right now, if I shouldn’t worry about wasting my time - but I don’t even feel like it. Like I live in some comforting bubble, that I don’t want to get out from right now.

I don’t understand, if this is actually good for me and if this equals rest - or if this might drown me eventually again, first a nice, comforting bath, warm water surrounding me; only to get dragged down so my whole body is getting pushed deeper again, into colder water, until it feels like ice again.

Maybe it’s better - like my therapist says - when things aren’t certain, and I don’t know yet.

But it feels so weird to finally have some space in my mind, after months of chaos.

I wonder if I should ‘care’ more about friends right now, if I should do more diverse things - instead of being so attached to drawing - if I shouldn’t feel guilty for being lazy, and only doing the things I like lately.

Things just have been too much; getting stressed and angry for no reason, paranoia, not understanding myself, identity crises, anxiety, depression, overworking, unhealthy perfectionism, body dysmorphia, losing hope, regaining it again.

I still don’t understand the meaning of me, or how to stay consistent - but maybe that’s fine..? Or not? Whatever, I guess.

Sometimes, I wonder if I shouldn’t care more about how I might be losing touch with reality; living in a dream world. This has always been my comfort place.

I might want to study somewhere else next year for my minor, come back, do my master - and perhaps, perhaps, study something psychology-like after this.

But then I wonder if I shouldn’t be more like the people around me, who seem to be putting love and a romantic relationship on their top at their wish list - next to a nice job and good health for them and their loved ones.

I have the same wish for me and my loved ones; health, happiness, succes, love, luck - my dream job; an artist that expresses themselves and makes others seem and heard, and makes other projects about characters and stories too - except romantic love has dropped a few places down lately. I wonder, if it matters that lately, I don’t care as much about a relationship in the future - I don’t have any plans for that - and perhaps, I want to stay single for now, for who knows how long.

Does that mean growing up, or does it mean I’m losing my humanity even more?

Losing humanity, when I lost parts of my identity, and still try to fit in the pieces? They’ll probably never fully fit.

Losing humanity, when my heart broke to pieces because of those moodswings - or because I could never be enough, and still try to compensate in all that I do?

Losing humanity, knowing I sometimes don’t feel something when I should? Feel things when I shouldn’t?

Losing humanity, analysing all around me so deeply at times, or not caring about anything, wondering what my purpose is at times?

Losing humanity, my reflection fading, like the character I wrote?

Losing humanity, not wanting others to see the deepest parts of myself - rather showing it to strangers or no one at all?

Losing humanity, because I don’t seem to feel anything anymore when it comes to romantic love - and I somehow like it better that way?

Somehow, the last thing seems more like a task lately, than something I want. Even if it has been my wish for the majority of my life.

Somehow, hiding away at home this week seems the best.

And perhaps I might change my mind again, or my mood might change again - like always,

But it gives me the illusion like time is on pause, and that has always been my burning wish even more.

It’s 03:44 now, and I wish I could just draw or write even more, until sunrise. It gives me so much peace somehow,

But I guess I don’t want to worry anyone by me being tired - even if I might wake up just fine.

I guess I might listen to some more music and then go to sleep.

Goodnight, dear diary.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Lately, I’ve been listening to more of my old favourite K-pop songs, like this one. I used to listen to these songs when I was severely depressed, and lately I feel depressed again (even if it is not that severely like back then). I might finally come to the conclusion of what this hole in my heart has always been; when I lay in bed and can’t sleep;

when I look in a mirror and I feel a sudden rush of insecurity and dysmorphia;

when I suddenly get sad for no reason;

when I don’t understand who I am or want to be.

I think I might be a boy… (or I’m wrong again, and I’ll never know exactly who I was meant to be).

I think, I might’ve never liked the idea of being a woman, certain parts of my body, my cheeks, my thighs, my voice, my fingers, my stomach, my chest, my arms - because, what if I might actually be a boy? (Or I might be wrong and this is just another identity crisis.)

If I was born a boy, I know my name would be Charles (or Charlie for friends).

I would have beautifully dark brown, almost black, hair. And I would be tall and skinny - but not too skinny. I would not hesitate to eat, or even count my calories, because my body would fit me anyways.

I wouldn’t have to constantly check my body to see if it still looked androgynous. I wouldn’t have to be scared if I would miss one of my excersises, because boys burn more calories. I wouldn’t have to bind my chest for it in order to be more flat, even if I’m content and happy this way because I almost look flat already.

I would have an adam’s Apple; and piercings, maybe even a facial one.

Make-up would look cool on me, and maybe I would even have a girlfriend.

I wouldn’t be called ‘lady’, but rather ‘sir’. Not ‘pretty’, but ‘handsome’.

I would still be an overly sensitive boy, and would hate if I would grow a beard. I would still hate myself for crying, or cover my face if I would laugh too loud,

But maybe if I was a boy, I had been more confident in some aspects. Or my mental health had been worse since I would push my feelings away even more.

I wonder how I would’ve been if I was born a boy; would I wonder what it would be like to be a girl?

Perhaps I’m born just right; and I’m meant to be this way - but how for god’s sake am I ever able to tell this to anyone - before it’s too late, and I’ve grown into an old woman?

It’s one of my biggest fears… One of my biggest fears is also not being accepted, or family knowing who I am, or loved ones abandoning me. What do I do?

First, let’s change my name in the school system to Charlie, even if everyone already calls me that.

And perhaps style my hair more often, try masculine eye makeup or androgynous outfits more often - instead of still trying feminine things. I’m sorry I’m not what everyone hoped I would be when I grew up…

I would be a boy who would play bass, and wear my pink favourite sweater, a boy who would eat without thinking of how many calories, a boy who would draw and laugh with friends, a boy who is free to do whatever he wants, who can go out on the streets at night without being afraid or unsafe around men, a boy with a pretty body and a boy with cute hair; a boy who would try facial piercings and loves Halloween. Who would play the piano for his girlfriend and loves to be young, but is also not afraid to grow old. Who could finally let go of the past, a boy who loves cats and has a cute voice. With faded scars, not constantly new cuts or bruises. With a semicolon tattoo and a boy without so many worries. Who loves his mother and cat so much. Who wouldn’t constantly feel like such a disappointment doing what he actually likes, afraid to hurt the people he loves.

A happy person. Truly happy with himself.

But I’m scared to death to socially transition, and don’t want to medically - maybe just some things. Because I wouldn’t even change that many things about me, just the way people see me…

Whatever, maybe it’s better to live inside of a daydream,

At least it’s safe, and I know I won’t make a mistake, and this might not all just be some phase of a traumatised teenage ‘girl’.

[diary-of-a-vampire]

Lately, it’s like I don’t believe in that thing called romantic love anymore.

My heart has been beating, but I don’t know who to gift it to - even if it’s been bruised, burned, beaten, broken, thrown away, buried - filled with band aids and hidden in bandage at times still.

Cupid’s arrow hasn’t gotten a hold on me for the longest time, what feels like eternity, even if I enjoy the peace of not making someone my entire world.

I often wonder if I’ve ever even been in love rather than chasing people who didn’t want me, pushing away people that did.

What is a life’s purpose without a romantic partner? What is a life’s purpose without knowing what you want, who you are exactly, what you’re looking for or what you will become?

Without true purpose or personal goals, I am lost. Nothing new, honestly.

It’s rather, I am lost, again. Yet this time I wonder if I can even ever fall in love again.

My eyes look around, but cannot seem to meet another pair of eyes that make me feel.

My lips talk words and exchange with other words from other lips, but they don’t get to me. I don’t really seem to get to them.

My head thinks and spurs it’s weird ideas and philosophies, but not any other head quite seems to get me. Fully get me.

My body doesn’t seem to get attracted to any other body anymore. Not even for a hug.

My hands don’t feel the need to hold any other hand, no matter how many hands I pass when I leave the house.

My nose can’t seem to find anyone whose scent is like home.

And my cheeks don’t feel like being kissed by anyone in particular.

I feel like I lack, when anyone would love me now, and someone could find someone better than me. Who could love them better than I can right now.

Everywhere whenever I truly and carefully look, it’s like I can’t ever truly see my other half. Do they even exist?

Someone like me.

A pair of eyes that whenever I look into them, I can see my own pair of eyes who understand.

A human being, I fully trust.

Another heart that’s missing the piece I’ve got, and my heart that’s missing the piece they’ve got; perfectly fitting together like an almost unsolvable puzzle. Yin and Yang.

Someone to care for and to fall asleep with, to do fun things with. To laugh and cry with. To share your deepest secrets with and to make out with. To hold hands with and to talk to deep things about. To learn new things with.

Somehow, love always seems exhausting to me too - because I find it hard to love that way without destroying myself or feeling like I’m too much of a handful at times.

Love is healing and beauty, but in my condition, it’s also unbearable pain, suffering and agony at times - perhaps I’ve blocked myself from that, and from love too.

Somehow, love seems comforting too, because all of you is supposed to be accepted. And you love someone fully and unconditionally.

Just to be someone’s someone.

But maybe I’m happy on my own for now, since I don’t have to worry what to wear, or when to plan a date, or ‘if they like me back’.

Love is something I’d want, but also something I’d honestly never want.

Perhaps, when I think about it, I might be better off alone.

Maybe I am, happier on my own.

I might be, because I wouldn’t want to depend on someone else, and have the risk of them leaving me while knowing all of me; feeling like they took my personality and all of me with them.

Honestly, my mental health is more important.

So I’d rather stay single.