dontreadthiscayce-blog

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Another morning waking up rolling over to put my arm around you and getting a big armful of pillow. 

Always on the verge of being angry with you for not being there and correcting myself and then properly fixing my anger towards myself. Take me back to the night we met.

The problem with learning from my mistake is that the punishment ends long after the lesson is learned...maybe that’s the way it should be. The bigger the lesson, the longer it lingers. 

My mind keeps trying to self heal leading my subconscious down paths that deconstruct what we had, telling me it was less, pointing out and magnifying things that used to bother me. I guess I can appreciate that my sub conscious doesn’t like to see me down.

“Things are broke, accept it and let it go”, “You are stronger than this”, “She doesn’t love you the same”, “You are nothing to her anymore”, “There are so many other women out there who would appreciate you more”, the thoughts that keep trying to overrule my heart. The thoughts of someone who wants to run away and not face my demons head on. No, I think I’ll let the suffering continue to rip me down so I can rebuild better and stronger. Maybe we won’t be together again Cayce, maybe we will. I’ll keep striving to be a better man in the meantime and make sure I don’t let myself break something so beautiful again.

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Well, we all make mistakes, dear, so just put it behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.

L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea (via books-n-quotes)

[dontreadthiscayce-blog]

11:44PM Day two has come and gone. Ok, so we didn’t keep our word and stay silent and for that I am thankful. I feel like I’m finally getting you to understand me and what my intentions were being my mistake. It’s not an excuse of course, and as someone who has never struggled with an addictive behavior you are being extremely polite not to throw this thing in the dirt as trash.  You are still in so much pain and I hate that. I hate that I stopped going to therapy and let my guard down and you are having to suffer for it. I’m sorry for getting frustrated with you earlier. In the weirdest way, I thought that my frustration would actually help the situation but you have always been someone who throws a curve ball at me everytime. I think ultimately that’s what I fell in love with, you keep me on my toes never giving me room to push you around. Your response immediately humbled me and I appreciate that. We’ve stopped talking for the night, but what a relief it was just to be able to talk to you. I wish I could’ve been with your Dad today. Given him a handshake and welcomed him here for the holidays. I wonder what he makes of this whole situation? Probably hates me as well. I guess it’s just another person I will be starting in the negative with trying to prove my value and regain the trust. I went around to more stores today and actually did some work at the shop. It’s the first day I’ve been even slightly productive since Monday. My bed is thankful to have me off of it.I keep the illusion up that we are going to be just fine so I keep wanting to buy presents for your family and have to resist…I bought a couple anyway. Ill keep them on standby and who knows..I may just mail them later down the road.I met up with Justin tonight and told him what happened. I love that man, seriously. Honestly I feel like he and I are becoming closer and closer friends and I really appreciate him. I didn’t bring up that you wanted to talk with him though.He offered his sympathies and asked what I thought I could do to fix things…the million dollar question. At this point only time will tell.We drove around town and checked out an old car for sale and hit up box car bettys. Have you been there? I had this dessert there that I could see you eating. I imagined you flipping your spoon backwards when taking a bite. The word jimmy jam creeped into my mind. I cringed and came back to reality with Justin laughing at a joke I didn’t hear. Justin laughing at his own jokes has always been funnier than his actual jokes.I miss you, I love you. Gn

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[dontreadthiscayce-blog]

12/21

11:09 PM I had a dream this morning that I shared with you. I was in school redoing the primary years of school, you know like 1st-12th grade Billy Madison style. I found myself in the middle school. As far as I can tell it may have been my first day of school there so it would be safe to say it could’ve been 6th grade but the kids were larger than 6th graders. There was also only 5 students there. This is, I believe, all the information I shared with you because it was strange and intriguing. The truth is, after waking up, I thought about this dream I had and realized it wasn’t entertaining at all, but it did have a purpose.I once read an article about dreams and the theories on them. Now most of my dreams are really similar to a LSD trip in a Salvador Dali scenery but this one was very real so I was able to really reflect on the article. The most interesting theory and admittedly the one I excepted the most was one where it stated the purpose of our dreams are not so much to prophesize about coming events or anything like that, but to act as a coping method. A way to sooth our minds. You see, the rest of the details that I didn’t include from the dream was that one of the teachers was showing me something on a piece a paper in front of me on my desk and something about her closeness drew me in. As she pointed towards something on the paper and her arm drew nearer to my body, the intense need to touch her grew. Scared of getting rejected by an unwanted advance, I very slowly let my body drift over til the side of my head was against her arm. At least in this fashion, if she moved away I could play it off and pretend I didn’t mean to bump into her. To my surprise and relief, she didn’t draw back at all. Instead she applied pressure in reciprocation and I dropped my guard completely and gave into the sweet stolen embrace that I had no idea I needed so badly. She drew her arm up from the paper and wrapped it around the remainder of my exposed head and it was as if I had know her my entire life and she knew exactly the thing I needed. The feeling I felt was so intensely therapeutic that the dream moved on but I woke up in a trance of happiness. My mind knew I needed this and provided it to me in form of a dream. For that, I was thankful. But today is the official first day of us not talking. It’s killing me inside and I can’t stop picking up my phone hoping you have called or texted me. Just hoping so much that there is some kind of connection to you. It’s one that isn’t coming and I know not to expect it but I pick up my phone anyway. I pull our last text messages up and put my phone down. I’m sitting here thinking about the million and one ways to repair my mistakes but nothing seems to be enough to right my wrong. I pray and pick my phone up again and type out a message, something funny. No, something sweet, def not. Something desperate? delete delete delete.Somehow typing those unwanted messages that I’ll never send you made me feel just a little better. So I have decided that if I can’t talk to you, I’ll talk here and pretend you can hear me. I know you can’t, but I prefer the illusion over the reality. The reality is that I found the greatest love of my life, and threw it away for a meaningless conversation with someone who isn’t even in my life and was barely a part of it when they were. The reality is that you are leaving and there is nothing I can do about it.