eating-my-b0redom

[eating-my-b0redom]

today showed that you really don’t know me.

[eating-my-b0redom]

i thought these feelings were done. over. but they’re not. i thought that everything was fixed. i felt like i was getting better. but i’m not. i feel exactly as i did many times before. there are things different now, but my feelings remain the same. hate this, fuck that. boring this, stupid that. i hate my life. i hate this life. it’s paying bills and fixing things that are constantly breaking— physical. emotional.

maybe this time i don’t wanna be fixed. what’s the point of this if i just end up back here?

this is life. hating it. feeling it. repeatedly burned by it. what’s the point in staying?

[eating-my-b0redom]

i’m not religious. i don’t believe in god. there can’t be a god who would put my family through what we have. there couldn’t be a god that let people think like this. there wouldn’t be a god who allowed people to feel like this. how could someone so great let me feel like this every single day. if there is a god, he isn’t the amazing being you all believe him to be. if there is a god, i’ll be going to hell sooner than i thought.

[eating-my-b0redom]

i don’t think i hold any value in my friends’ lives. i stay for my mom and little sister. i can’t fully entertain the idea of leaving them devastated and heartbroken here. but i’m a piece of shit because they aren’t enough. it isn’t enough to keep me here. to keep me happy. i’m numb most days. i get high when i can. i eat to keep myself distracted from my thoughts. staying here is hell for me. but i know it would be a worse hell for them, so i stay. only for them.

[eating-my-b0redom]

i’m not happy and don’t know if i ever will be. i know what i want from life but i don’t know how to get there and don’t know what i’m missing. i fill my time with distractions. work, alcohol, drugs, sleep. my friends don’t support me. the feeling of abandonments overwhelming. i’m so lonely. i’m so lost. i don’t know why i’m here.

[eating-my-b0redom]

voluntarily entered a new chapter of my life because i was tired of my routine. now i’m in a different routine with more added to it. it’s consist and i’m exhausted. i’ve burrowed myself into a longer, fuller, less rewarding routine. but this is what i wanted. this is what i wanted. this is what i wanted.

maybe if i say it enough it’ll start to feel more true that it does now.

[eating-my-b0redom]

i was gone and i saw my friends’ true colors. looking back, i thought it was just the distance that made things awkward and tested our friendship. i don’t know what it is or what it was, but now that i’m back,

my friends don’t make me happy like they used to.

[eating-my-b0redom]

it’s when i’m driving home alone listening to sad music. when my face is frozen in a frown. when my eyes are watered but burning. when my body feels hot but i’m shaking. it’s nights like tonight that make me wonder if i’m the only one. nights like tonight that make me wonder if they occur as often for other people as they do for me. it’s nights like tonight that make me wonder if people really can be happy on their own and by themselves. there’s an endless supply of sad songs and tear-jerking lyrics. do we all live different versions of the same life but experience identical pain? the confusion, heart break, anger, and sadness. do we all feel it the to same extent but in different situations? i feel like i’m never not experiencing those five emotions at the same time. i ramble when talking about my feelings like i am now. i’m conflicted and lost and just want to know what i’m living for.

[eating-my-b0redom]

i guess i’m just starting to wonder if it’s me you really like, or the fact that i’d do anything for you, i’m never not there for you, and that you’re who’s most important to me