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"I have traveled through madness to find me." - Unknown

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"The risk you're afraid of taking could change your life." - Unknown

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S's close friend is struggling with an ED and it's pretty bad right now. S was clearly upset and I tried to offer my support and he told me to leave him alone. I didn't. I got pushy. He ended up getting in his car and leaving. I am so devastated. He'd rather abandon our marriage (albeit temporarily) than be emotionally vulnerable with me. I don't know how to cope right now. I realize at the end of the day I should've just given him space, but I want so badly to be able to be leaned on. I want to be his support as he has been for me. I want to be there for him, and he just won't let me. Maybe I'm selfish. Maybe I'm making it all about me. But I'm hurt that he'd rather aimlessly drive around than talk to me.

I hear a car. He's coming home now. I think I'll leave him alone unless he talks to me. There's no need to make it worse. I pushed him too hard, so I'll let him come to me when he's ready. Or we can pretend like it never happened until tomorrow. He has today to deal with his emotions. Tomorrow we are gunna talk about this cause his behavior ain't cool. Though I will also acknowledge wholeheartedly that I need to work on not pushing him so hard and respecting his need for space even when it hurts me.

#personal #1.8.24

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Doing much better since my last post. I only tend to post when things are bad or I'm feeling rlly grateful.

#personal #9.11.23

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S has been unemployed since like March. He thought he was getting a job today, but it didn't pan out. He's crushed and is completely unmotivated to do anything, let alone talk to me and spend time with me.

Meanwhile, I have been depressed since a traumatic event that happened on Friday (I don't want to trigger anyone so I'll leave it at that). I'm doing okay at work, but it's just motions. Everything is hard.

Now he's crushed, and God I really need his support, but he's completely unavailable. He just wants to be left alone, and he told me no to my request for a hug (which was a hefty compromise to what I really need).

This hurts. I'm really not okay right now. I'm barely making it through my days, and yesterday my highlight was seeing him and spending time with him). I don't know how I'm coping right now at all. I don't know what to do, but I'm drowning in emotion.

I don't have close connections with my treatment friends anymore. The one friend I stayed in contact with has been awol for like a year, and I'm kinda thinking she's dead at this point which I don't want to accept. We were so close for so long and I've reached out on like three platforms and called and texted so many times.

I'm sad. I am feeling really depressed. I don't know. I'm feeling like quitting everything right now.

I'm in grad school and working full time as a teacher. A week ago I loved my job. But right now it's just passing time. I don't know.

I don't have a therapist right now. We're gunna do couples therapy once we find someone. Idk maybe I should just drop out of everything and do a treatment program. Seems a tad dramatic though. It's only been a few days. Food has been fine. Just emotions.

Things were okay, and they can be okay again. I know this rationally... Honestly things will probably feel okay the moment he gives me a hug.

#personal #8.22.23

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Healing (being healed) doesn't mean not being triggered anymore, deleting trauma from your life, no more falling into mind traps. It doesn't mean you'll be perfect once you're done (there's no such thing as "perfection"). You may still fall into old mental pattern occasionally, you may still have triggers here and there.

In fact, healing means recognizing and accepting your emotional reflexes and needs, so that you don't have to let them take over cause you know you are the one in control. It means knowing you have other options to choose from when triggers hit you, that won't have you ending up in a burnout, overthinking or feeling overwhelmed by everything. It means you know you can choose your thoughts and reactions freely, without having to depend on your traumatized mind and what it wants you to think/feel (even if to keep you safe).

(for more)

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get into the habit of thanking yourself regularly. thank yourself for showing up, for doing the bare minimum, or for doing nothing at all. thank yourself for just being here.

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You're more beautiful than you think and smarter than you assume.

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i feel like i’m constantly relearning to love the world again after very painful experiences and grief but sometimes it’s as simple as stepping outside and seeing a flower with a bright yellow centre and thinking “oh, how stunning!” 

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And there will come a day when you suddenly go, oh. That’s why. That’s why it was worth living and sticking around. I understand.

And then the moment passes, and you might forget again. But that’s okay, because life is an abundance of such moments. They will come back <3

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You are not lacking. You are not less than. You are a whole human being with unmeasurable worth, who deserves love, respect and other good things. You are enough today, tomorrow and always. Always have been, always will be. And I really need you to hold that truth to your heart and keep it there as an ever burning flame. 🌸

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heal from the narrative you told yourself in survival mode. heal from the narrative other people told you while they were in survival mode. it’s all false.

you did your best. you are good enough. you don’t have to operate out of fear anymore.

and i know what you’re thinking… “but i don’t have a choice.” you do. you can give yourself those moments of living and being present with yourself. even if it’s for five minutes.

everything doesn’t have to be processed right away, but you’ve got to stop operating as if time is running out and as if your life needs to play the background and be blurry as it moves by so quickly.

life isn’t as ephemeral as our trauma makes it seem. we have blocked parts out, and survival mode is how we compartmentalize and get it back. that’s okay, but it’s no way to live. it’s not sustainable.

it’s time to be sick of being on autopilot. stop surviving and start living.

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I heard so many people talk about romanticizing your life and at first it was annoying but then I was eating an apple and it was red and sweet and I was making an effort to conciously and slowly enjoy my apple because that's what my therapist told me to try to be more in the moment and it was the best apple I ever ate. I ate it slow and really payed attention to the sweetness and the sourness and I was sitting outside under some trees and there was a breeze and I thought: This is a perfect moment, and one day I will wish I had the opportunity to sit here and conciously eat this apple and be happy. Anyways. Try making a big deal out of small things.

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"One of the best lessons you can master in life is to master how to remain calm." - Unknown

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THINGS DON'T NEED TO BE PERMANENT TO BE BEAUTIFUL!!! VALUE IS NOT STORED IN PERMENANCE!! TO BE ALIVE IS TO EXPERIENCE EVANESCENCE!!!

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"You don’t gain anything from stressing. Remember that." - Unknown

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feel your feelings!!!! tap into them into your body and let them grow!!! grow!! grow!!! release it in whatever way that it looks like!! whether you cry or scream or dance or shake !! whatever it looks like!! please allow yourself to feel it all. it is okay.