elevendaysinsidemymind

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

An open letter to the people in 2021

2021 is by far the most painful year that I have to endure in 30 years. But, because of that I learned so many lessons, I learned how to be strong. All of my past wounds and traumas were triggered this year.

To the people who hurt me this 2021:

I forgive those people who have hurt me this 2021. I apologize also if I caused pain. Thank you for all the lessons that I learned this year, maybe this was God’s will, to let those painful things happen, I really believe that everything happens for a reason. You guys may have caused me so much pain and trauma, BUT  I gained so much more, I discovered how much love and understanding I could give to the people who have caused me so much pain. To take responsibility on my own.

You guys will never know how I was feeling back then, you may apologize through words but sadly you didn’t have the guts to apologize personally, to take responsibility. BUT I do hope you guys will heal also, I may not know what God’s in store for you guys, but I do hope you learned your lessons also from the situation that we had. I do hope in the future, you won’t bleed on people who didn’t hurt you, I understand your inner child wounds, that’s why I just let go. You guys were lucky that I was your lesson, a lesson that you will ALWAYS remember. I wish you guys well (seriously). I will let go of the pain now, and let it stay on 2021.

To the people who stayed with me and silently cheering for me:

Thank you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys didn’t know how much I needed people like you, I may not thank you guys personally, but really I want you guys to know that I really appreciate it. I love you guys and will always love you, even if we’re not on the same path anymore. I do hope you guys will succeed in life, maybe God will allow us to meet on the same path again, until then I will always pray for you guys.

To the person that I’ve been with for almost 6 yrs:

Hey little rockstar! I do hope that you will heal also, I may not be in your life anymore, but I want you to be happy, I mean genuinely happy and I mean it, I apologize if I caused you pain or If I said something that caused you pain. I want to genuinely thank you from the bottom of my heart, you had so much influence on who I am right now, you taught me great lessons in life, you have so much influence on me that I know that you will always be a part of who I am and I will be always grateful for that. I’ve said this before, but I will say it again, thank you for all the good and bad memories, the laughter, the joy, our little inside jokes, the pain that taught me lessons. And most of all, the love, the love that you had for me, maybe it is not meant to lasts like we planned but your love has given me great strength, to move forward in life, to achieve great things and success. Until then I will keep cheering for you on the sidelines silently, I do hope you achieve your goals and success you always dreamed of.  I do hope that someone will take care of you and love you as much as I did or better even more. You were the most fragile girl I ever been with, as to what piolo said:

“Pinakamamahal ko, kung dumating ang araw na makahanap ka ng bagong pag-ibig, ‘di kita pipigilan. Ingatan mo lang ang sarili mo. Sinuman ang mahanap mo, alagaan ka sana niya tulad ng pag-aalaga ko sa ‘yo. Iisa lang ang puso mo. Huwag kang pumayag na mawasak ito.”

Maybe someday, God will put us again on the same path and journey as good friends, until then, GO LITTLE ROCKSTAR! UNTIL OUR STARS ALIGNED AGAIN!

Its time to go now, this will be my last blog for 2021, and for a while.

I will go through a 6 month healing journey by myself, I’ve decided to not to post anything, and limit my social media visibility, in order for me to focus on myself, and to limit social media/peer pressure. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE TIL WE MEET AGAIN!

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

An open letter to my 2021 self

Dearest Cheyenne,

You’ve suffered so much this year. Really. They don’t even know how much pain you’ve endured this year, to keep on going. Many times, I know that you cried yourself to sleep, because of the tremendous pain your feeling. Alcohol and cigarettes were your best friends just to numb the pain.

But by far, you are the strongest Cheyenne I’ve seen in 30 years. By far you are most genuine and purest Cheyenne I’ve known in 30 years.

Yes you had mistakes on how you reacted on those things, on those situations, but I know that you didn’t mean to hurt anyone, its just that the pain was so excruciating, you didn’t know how to react anymore. There were moments that you snapped and said some things, because you cannot control your emotions anymore. I know you felt guilty because you were and still that genuine but don’t worry it doesn’t define you. 

You were the purest Cheyenne I have ever seen, you still loved and accepted them despite of the pain, the suffering, the breakdowns. You accepted them wholly without a doubt, in a heartbeat. People hurt you so badly, that you suffered excruciating pain that caused you so much wounds and trauma. Still, you didn’t take revenge instead you tried to understand them, and just let go. I was moved by how your love is for people. How you moved in God’s grace.

This is how you’ve grown, you didn’t do anything to harm them, after all this time, you didn’t tell anyone anything bad about them and you still don’t want to.

Rumors said you did something bad AGAIN. You took the blame and didn’t say anything, just to protect them. Some were against you, they talked behind your back, they thought you’ve never changed. BUT YOU DID, YOU FCKIN DID.

Some misunderstood you, because you didn’t know how to handle the pain anymore, you’ve automatically shut down your emotions for other people , didn’t let anyone in, you didn’t care for them anymore,  you became selfish, you were emotionless, fellowship doesn’t ring a bell to you anymore, you were thrice of your flaw of your lack of initiatives because it was too much already.  You were self-destructing, yet nobody noticed.

You felt so alone.

“okay lang ako” that was always your answer.

You left everyone. You isolated yourself for a while, because you were self-destructing, you didn’t want anyone to be hurt by you anymore. You tried to fight your demons all alone.  You didn’t know that hyper independence is a trauma response.

Thank God for the people who picked you up, even you were annoying and heartless as hell, they loved you wholly, they were very patient, even though you were aloof, even though you didn’t care that much, even though you were emotionally unavailable.

Slowly, you were healing. Their love and patience made you realize things, slowly you were opening your heart again to people, you were loving them again, you were genuinely laughing again, and one of the biggest change? “hindi ka na di pukpok” you are not a wind-up toy anymore. you start loving people again, you want to do something for them ,  you took initiatives, you start to care for them, you start to protect them again.

2022 will be a whole new journey, some people were removed by God, because they are not probably on the same path as yours, and God will put the right people on your path to help you throughout this journey.  As you rediscover yourself, some people will love you and continuously to love you. And some won’t be happy on your growth, you don’t have to please people, this is YOUR journey not theirs. Even though they will talk about you behind your back, laugh at you, judge you, ridicule you. Let them, it doesn’t say anything about you, but it reflects on their character, not yours.

You are starting to know yourself a little more, you have grown so well that you don’t say bad things about people, even if they are not a part of your life anymore.  

Know when to fight and when to stay silent. Choose your battles wisely. Protect your peace at all costs. And love again (romantically) when you’re ready not when you’re lonely. Heal all wounds, be the right one. When the right time comes, God will send you that answered prayer. You will know that she is God sent, He will give you that person in the right place , at the right time, you don’t have to beg for a spot, you will NEVER be an option, you will be her priority.

You’re a great partner, you know that, the people that loves you know that. You will find someone who will cherish you, she will see how great you are, she will treat you right and she will love you the way you deserve to be loved, she won’t give you the bare minimum, she won’t gaslight your feelings, she won’t manipulate you, she will bring balance again to your life and most of all she will be your wife, the mother of your child, the light of your home.

But for the meantime, be patient, heal all wounds. And in God’s perfect time all your pain will be gone, let go.

I will love you always.

Love, 

Future You

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Day 6 - Friendships Part 3

I really love my friends. From the bottom of my heart, lalo na yun mga tao sa part 2 ng blog na to. Coz they have that deep impact sa buhay ko at sa buong pagkatao ko.

You know, I’d like to think na ako yung klase din na friend na I would support you all the way, pero I know din pag alam kong mali ka, syempre di naman kita para i-tolerate. nasasaktan ako pag nakikita kong nasasaktan mga kaibigan ko. Im that type of friend na, “ako na lang, wag na yung mga kaibigan ko” ako na lang saktan mo, wag lang sila. “Ako na lang gaguhin mo, wag lang sila” wala kang maririnig na kahit ano from me, but don’t you dare mess with my friends. GIRL SINASABI KO SAYO, LALABAS DEMONYO KO SA KATAWAN.

One time nagddrive si bro pauwi, we were talking about stuff, I asked her “bro, pano nga if kunwari sinasaktan ako ng partner ko physically? ano gagawin mo?” sabi nya “ susugurin ko siya!”, sabi ko “ ako din, baka barilin ko siya sa paa sa totoo lang”

I don’t meddle with my friends’ relationship problems ano, usually I give advice lang. BUT. Don’t you dare mess with them physically, pag sinaktan mo sila physically, putangina, ako unang susuntok kahit di ako violent na tao.

Don’t mess with them, kahit saan pa tayo makarating, ilalaban ko sila ng patayan, and when I say these things, its true. Si bunch before, lagi yung napapaaway, ako pa nga napagkakamalan na sya so ako yun nababato out of nowhere. But I will be violent, pag sinaktan mo sila. Pag nagsusumbong sa akin before si bunch, na inaway siya, ah puta, hahaha. One time nagsumbong siya sa akin, dinuduro daw sya, tangina, sumakay ako sa motor , umangkas ako, sabi ko “tara, puntahan natin” ( legit to hahahaha) pinuntahan namin, sinigaw sigawan ko yun, shomboy na yun, sabi ko “oh so anong karapatan mo para duruin yun kaibigan ko, ikaw ba bumubuhay dyan?, dahil lang sa speakers? ganyan ugali mo?” . Di ako nang-aaway ng tao, pero pag tinake advantage mo mga kaibigan ko, puta, ewan ko na lang. buong pagkatao mo, lalaitin ko. BUT I feel guilty after HAHAHAHA but sinasabi ko na lang din, sa self ko na, di ko naman gagawin yun if di nila ginagago yun mga kaibigan ko.

I love seeing them soaring high, pag nakaka achieve sila ng mga things. I really am so happy for them. So I’d like to think na im a good friend. I thank God for my friends everyday, and I always pray for them.

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Day 6 - Friendship Part 2

Now here’s the people who impacted me more than they ever know.

Bunch (she’s a part of tropang FCN and ERPs)  - well, bunch is my shomboy bestfriend, we’ve known each other since we were 15 years old. she knew kung gaano ako kagago before, she is always there to the rescue pag heartbroken ako, or kung may katarantaduhan ako. Siya lang namumukod tangi na nagbihis sa akin ng lasing na lasing ako. She’s my go-to rant buddy. What I love about her? She always believe in me. She always say na “proud ako sayo, nagbago ka na” she knew my family’s situation. She knew everything about me, and how much growth I had. One thing na hindi ko makakalimutan about her that I knew na sobrang genuine nya? My past lover’s dad died, and I knew that hindi ako magiging comfortable, because I barely knew her dad’s side. Bunch voluntarily said na “samahan kita, samahan ko kayo” and she did. Nung pandemic, dinalaw nya pa ako , para makita kung okay lang ako. Super love ko si bunch, alam ni Lord yan.

(I don’t have a childhood bestfriend coz palipat lipat kami ng house and palipat lipat ako ng school)

Mumz and the Bros - these people, sobrang legit na growth yung iniimpart nila sa pagkatao ko, siguro kasi super mature na nila. Mumz is our mentor in all aspects, mapa emotional, mental , spiritual, corporate, business LAHAT. You know that they are a good company all in all. 

Which includes BRO - Bro is the sweetest bestfriend that I could ever imagine. SOBRANG affectionate nya when it comes to her friends. We were colleagues back then, siya lang namumukod tangi na binarag yun walls ko sa office. ( I have a reputation na mysterious kasi sa office, tahimik, nagwwork lang ) then we clicked, we were yosi buddies, the two bottles later buddies , the go-to rant buddy, the “pautang muna bro” buddy HAHAHA sa sobrang nag click kami in all aspects and we trust each other so much , we became business buddies. Neto lang kami sobrang nag bond, she is ONLY person in the world, that moment na durog na durog ako, sinundo nya ako sa bahay, kahit sobrang pagod na siya mag drive, just to save me from all the chaos. Siya lang din namumukod tangi na mahilig magbigay sa akin ng gift out of the blue, lagi ko nga sinasabi sa kanya na “bakit ka ganyan bro? HAHAHAHA” Lagi kaming napagkakamalan na mag jowa. AS IN. LAGI. Na chismis pa nga kami na mag ka live in kami HAHAHA kasi lagi ako nasa bahay nila, and I knew her family also, super bond kami, kainuman namin mga pinsan nya, nakakausap ko ate nya on a deeper level, we clicked, “bunso” nila ako kasi ako yun pinaka maliit pag andun ako sa kanila. HAHA. Lagi din kami tinutukso with each other but I’d rather be with her for the rest of my life as bestfriends, kesa mawala siya sa akin kasi nagka romantic feelings. (which she knew) Siya lang din namumukod tangi nag paparealize ng mga bagay bagay sa akin, emotionally and mentally. She’s really good for me. AND SIYA LANG NAG-IISANG TAO NA MAY ALAM NG LAHAT LAHAT NG TRAUMA KO SA BUHAY. We were drinking mahilig kasi kami kasi mag deep talks pag nag iinom, we understand each other kasi and we are that comfortable na magsabi, sabi ko sa kanya, “alam mo bro, if aalis na ako dito sa pilipinas, sobrang nalulungkot ako na maiiwan kita dito, ayaw kitang iwan” na sobrang teary eyed ko, habang sinasabi ko yan. I know that we have that genuine friendship ( naiiyak ako puta) , sinasabi namin yun mga fault ng isa’t isa without sounding condescending and also para ma realize mo yun mali namin. Sobrang love ko si bro. God knows.

Gonzagas - well, they are actually my past lover’s group of friends, at first I was very hesitant with them, coz may history kasi ako with ze other past lover’s circle. ( trust issues) mga kashomboyan din to haha, and a couple na straight. Actually andami kong natutunan sa kanila, knowing that I’m older than them. I actually learned being happy in a simple setting of life. Sa kanila ko natutunan uminom sa tabi ng tindahan, uminom ng gin , uminom ng lambanog, sobrang saya pag may videoke til 5am tapos love on top pa yun last na kinakanta HAHA

Napakasaya na nila over the simplest of things, but you know what I love about them? Their faith, their faith with each other.They are not perfect people ( no one is) but I really really love kung papaano sila naniniwala na “kaya mo” , “kakayanin mo” , kahit na sobrang nagkamali yung isa sa kanila, they will reprimand, but still they support each other, and love each other unconditionally, dun ko nakita kung papaano magmahal ang isang kaibigan kahit di na sila kamahal mahal. Their heart is full of love.  They know how to admit their mistakes, they know how to apologize, they know how to support you. AND kahit wala ako or umalis muna ako, I know that they are always watching me and protecting me, even if wala ako, hindi ko alam na mamahalin din nila ako tulad ng pagmamahal nila sa past lover ko, and that’s what hits me. may ganun pala talagang mga tao na, they will love you unconditionally, they love you silently, they are God sent to me. ( HAHA naiiyak ako habang nagttype) Sana maantay nila ako, yun lang din pinagdadasal ko.

PART 3 hahaha wait

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Day 6 - Friendships Part 1

Now let’s go deep

I value friends more than anything, its because, I don’t have any brother or sister.

I grew up alone, I do task on my own, kaya hindi ako pala-utos. Until now, kaya nga I don’t mind doing favors sa mga tao sa paligid ko.

I really don’t know if I’m a good friend, or what not. But one thing’s for sure, people want to be around me. You know I just click around them, but a past lover taught me na, “not all people are your friend, some of them, just want to be around you”

Since elementary to HS I have a many circle of friends, well iba iba pa. Depending on kung saan ko sila nakasama,

Like, I have circle sa classmates ko, I have circle sa mga dati kong classmates, I have circle na lower batch sa akin, I have circle na ka group ko sa sayaw, sa choir, sa anong club meron,

College ganun din, I had different schools nung college so, iba’t ibang circle din. Nung nagstay na ako sa pidabs, ibat iba din. like yun mga Fine Arts friends ko, CCams circle ko, yung circle ng mga past lovers ko, mga extra curricular/popular kids sa pidabs, like you know, I didn’t really know what “friends” totally are.

When I graduated from college, my circles became small. ( I think)

My 4th yr HS Friends ( Baluga) , my 3rd year HS friends , Tropang FCN which is now divided into two (  for some reasons) sub divided categories ERPs , and Conyo Btchs, Mumz and the Bros, Tropang Bahay and ze Gonzagas

(SMALL YAN? HAHAHAHHA)

I cannot consider yet ze Boracay bros because kakilala ko palang sa kanila and 3 days ko palang sila nakakasama and sa GC lang kami nagkakausap hahaha, (group of kainumans for now)

Some of them especially my HS friends ( 3rd yr and 4th yr) we barely meet kasi may mga priorities na sila sa buhay, nasa ibang bansa nagwwork. We meet pag nagkayayaan.

Tropang FCN is now divided into to two; (ERPs and Conyo Btchs) so I have to meet them separately haha but sila talaga kasama ko since HS because we were in the same school in HS just diff batch, pero kasi etong mga to puro ka shomboyan, unlike my other HS friends na puro straight ska di kasi mahilig mag-inom yung mga yun HAHAH

Saka sila talaga yun pinakamalapit sa bahay namin before kaya talaga sila yung mga go-to friends ko sa inuman HAHAHA AT SILA DIN YUNG SAKSI SA LAHAT NG HEARTBROKEN DAYS KO AT SILA LANG DIN SAKSI SA MGA KAGAGUHAN KO, ( na lagi nila akong nilalaglag HAHA)  SILA LANG nag aalaga sa akin sa sobrang kalasingan ko, namumukod tangi. sila nag uuwi sa akin sa bahay, up until now, like naka car ako mag iinom kami, naka motor sila, para akong may bodyguards up until makapasok ako ng village namin. Nung 2014 days namin na halos sabay sabay kaming heartbroken, para kaming mga gago HAHAAH , sila lang din nagbihis sa akin sa sobrang sobrang kalasingan ko.

I had a fall back with the Conyo Btches because yes, partly its my fault. but you know you learn from your mistakes and you grow, I reached out and we bonded back. Sabi ko nga sa partner nun isa kong friend “ masyado nila akong love not to take me back nagtampo lang yang mga yan sa akin. HAHAHA”   -- I realized na its more than what I thought, umiyak din pala sila nun nawala ako, that akala ko, hindi sila masasaktan na “wala okay lang yan” turns out, they missed me more than anything in the world, nakakatawa pa, lagi nila pala ako knukwento sa ibang tao, “eto yun sinasabi ko sayong friend ko na nawala , na iniwan kami” di na namin inopen or inoopen yun part na yun, past is past.

Infairness naman naging mature na sila.

Tropang bahay - these are my recent and past colleagues ngayon. they are fun to be with, kasi mga ka bakla-an, ka shomboyan and straights HAHA right mix of people kumbaga.

Okay part 2. I want to talk friendship in a deeper level ( that includes Mumz and the Bros and the Gonzagas)

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Day 5 - Talents

Dancing has been, and always be my passion, but I have so many hidden skills/talents. And I know I am fairly a jack of all trades.

I started dancing since I was, I guess 4 years old, I had a photo doing the Macarena dance. ( shoutout sa batang 90s HAHAHA )

I really love to perform and express myself.

Since elementary days, lagi ako kasama sa mga programs sa school, mapa intermission dance, christmas party, field demo , curriculum presentation or kung ano pa man.

When I transferred to a bigger school, nung grade 5 ako, medyo naintimidate ako dahil sa I was a new student. I auditioned for a competition but hindi ako natanggap, so bumaba yun self-esteem ko. Up until 4th year HS (kaya hindi ako dance troupe nung HS) 

Grade 6 - 4th year HS I was a volleyball player pag intrams sa school namin. and I remembered we won nun grade 5 ako, and 3rd year HS, and 2nd/3rd place nun 4th yr. ata

And guess what? 2nd year HS - 4th year HS, I was a member of the our school’s choir. PCS Himig Kabataan Grand Choir , which I auditioned. na di ko inaasahan na makakapasok ako, the club were full of amazing voices, turns out nung mga panahon na yun, my voice is in perfect harmony HAHAHAH.

We sang in school plays, flag ceremonies ( for the perfect Lupang Hinirang) , first friday masses ( which I was excused from my classes) , intermission numbers, we even competed in a Chorale Competition in Philam Life theater.

Senior days, I was the (would you believe it) the lead singer of Alto 2. Because we sing in 8 voices, those time I blend so well. Of course I have my off notes HAHAHA

But of course being a dancer at heart, pag may mga curricular activities na need na sumayaw, of course im happy, haha because requirement namin yun “dance” sa PE haha. And sometimes ako pa nagtuturo sa mga classmates ko back then pag wala kaming budget for choreographer. hahaha

Highschool din nung natuto akong mag piano, kasi requirement at kasama sa Music class namin, meron pa nga kaming “dummy keyboard/piano” for exams. It was in highschool din na natututo ako mag guitar, kasi nagpaturo ako sa mga HS friends ko.

I REALLY LOVE LEARNING NEW THINGS, UNLOCKING NEW SKILL, AS IN. ADDICTED AKO SA MGA GANUNG BAGAY UP UNTIL NOW.

So, nung college ako, I said to myself na, I need to focus on my dancing na talaga. So from nursing days ko, I was a part of our school’s dance troupe, kahit saan man ako magtransfer ng school. Nag aaudition ako.  6 years walang palya I’m dancing my heart out, yeep 6 yrs ako sa college coz 3 years sa nursing and 3 years sa Fine arts (trimester) HAHAHA

anyway, it was my golden years of dancing. I love the stage, the dancefloor, the attention, the hype, the crowd, the training, yung lakas ng sounds sa stage. ALL OF IT. Kahit pagod na ako sa class, di ako papalya mag training, kahit pa lasing ako, babalik ako sa school para magtraining HAHAHA

Well infairness naman sa mga past lovers ko before, super supportive sila sa pagsasayaw ko, nanunuod sila ng mga performances ko, ng mga competitions ko. pag training ko, binibilhan naman nila ako ng food/tubig, inaantay matapos yun training ko then uuwi na kami. (ughhh thank you guyssss s/o sa inyo HAHAHA) di naman naging problema yun pagsasayaw ko, YUNG mga pambabae ko lang talaga, HAHAHA

If dancer ka sa school, lalo na kung MAIN group kayo nang school, kayo yung may dala nun pangalan ng school sa mga competition, ay nako madami, as in madami magkakagusto sayo, like, para ka din varsity sa school ganun. “hoy ang cute nun, sino yun? pakilala mo naman ako” GANOON pero mayabang ako ng mga panahon na yun, HAHA sobrang dami kong hater, kung ano dami nung mga nagkakagusto, ganun din sa hater.

Nung grumaduate na ako, and nag work na ako, nagsasayaw na lang ako pag christmas party sa office. or fellowship night namin. AND natutuwa ako sa initial reaction nila, I’d like to stay humble kasi, after nun mga college days ko, di na ako ganun nagsasayaw pag naka earphones ( gawain ko kasi nun college, pag nasa FX ako, nagsasayaw ako pag kinakabisado ko yun choreo namin haha like di naman OA, yun pa simpleng sayaw sa paa HAHA pero alam ng katabi mong nagkakabisado ka ng steps) 

Nung first corporate work ko, nagulat yun mga bosses and mga colleagues ko, na magaling pala ako sumayaw, I had the spotlight e. Nag champion naman yung department namin hahaha, Ganun din nung neto, natutuwa yun mga big bosses ko. So may reputation na ako pag fellowship night/christmas party pinapasayaw nila ako. or ako magtuturo HAHAHAH

Infairness din naman sa past lover ko nung mga panahon na yan, she’s very supportive din pag mag pperform ako sa mga ganyan, yung nga lang unlike nun college, open yun audience, eto syempre puro employees lang kaya di siya nakakanuod, puro videos ko lang.

UP UNTIL NOW. Last year ko pa gusto mag tiktok, actually wala lang talaga akong self confidence, because tumaba na ako. Nag overweight ako.. tapos syempre pag christmas party sa office, di ko hinihirapan yun sayaw kasi, syempre di naman lahat marunong sumayaw.

eh nakuha ko na ulit yun weight ko nung college which is 53kgs. SO. tnry ko na ulit, I dont care if sabihan ako ng “baduy” or what. Trip ko to, haha di ko kayo pinapakielaman sa trip nyo sa buhay.

Madami pa akong hidden skills, pero I need to enhance them more.

May sakit ako sa pagiging overachiever. EWAN KO HAHA. Bukod sa maintained ko yung grades ko from grade school - college, and I had scholarships, mga awards sa mga quiz bees, award sa thesis, hindi ko mapigilan yun sarili ko, tinatapos ko padin yun mga gusto kong gawin HAHAHA so expect more, sakit ko na yun pagiging overachiever ko sa life, Its good minsan , pero its bad for my mental health kasi pnpressure ko yun sarili ko, pero ewan ko yun pag ppressure ko sa sarili ko, nakukuha ko naman yun gusto ko.

I like to challenge myself, IN A GOOD WAY. Actually, hindi naman ako pnpressure ng parents ko, or ng family ko. AKO LANG. Its both a blessing and a curse for me really, I WANT SOMETHING MORE PALAGI.

til now ayaw ko tumigil ng pag-aaral, gusto ko may natutunan padin ako. Hindi na ako afraid of being abandon e, nawala yun sa pagkatao ko e,

my fear now is being “stuck” , yun nag “settle” na lang sa life, pero you know you have so much potential. ALAM MO YUN. I know eventually I have to settle naman , maging kuntento, pero hangga’t di ko pa na ffeel na yun nakalaan na buhay sa akin ni Lord, I won’t stop seeking for it.  ( except sa relationships ha? pero now, Im not yet ready) Binibigay ni Lord sa akin lahat ng “means” or ways para maabot ko yun gusto ko sa buhay, I just have to work for it. I know. someday. I will finally say “ I MADE IT THANK YOU LORD”

so that’s it, Merry Christmas everyone!!!

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Day 4 Mini Blog - Perfumes

 t mamaya na yung love AHAHAHA

Super fan ako ng perfumes AS IN. Di complete yun ligo ko pag wala akong cologne or perfume sa katawan.

Highschool scents ko

Bench 8 , Bench Altantis, Penshoppe Rain, Bench potion ( Calm & Charm)

College Scents:

Oxygen 1155 ( AMOY CHEYENNE) - this is my signature scent until now, my go-to scent.

Many of my classmates, friends, ka group sa dance, even past lovers. They know na eto yun amoy ko. lol.

“HOY, ASAN SI CHEYENNE, AMOY CHEYENNE DITO E” or “galing ba si cheyenne dito? naiwan yung amoy niya hahaha” ( legit)

I remembered nung nasa paseo kami sa school, everybody was hugging me, then aamoy-in lang nila ako. “ambango mo naman, kahit pawis ka na”

Like I know that yun chemicals ng body ko ng sweat, it blends well sa oxygen 1155, it compliments well.

But I had some scent pa like

LACOSTE RED - Now here’s my other signature scent, my past lovers gave me this perfume as a gift.

I tried also, Clinique Happy, Bvlgari Aqua, Issey Miyake, California Herrera 212 Men, Hugo Boss Dark Blue, Polo Sport

Yung iba from Prescripto, but I had the legit perfumes also as a gift from my parents, kaso nagagalit yun parents ko kasi ambilis maubos HAHA

2014 - 2021 Scents:

Still my go-to was Oxygen 1155, and Lacoste Red and sometimes Bvlgari Aqua

Then na curious ako sa Jo Malone last 2020, so na trip-an ko yun Wood Sage and Sea Salt.

Then this year, like I encountered some videos of perfumes. Na curious ako sa Le Labo and Byredo and NOW na ccurious na ako sa Maison, Maison Margiela Replica, Clean Reserve.

Di ko padin inalis or aalisin yun Oxygen 1155 because its cheap and its my go-to scent and my signature scent.

So I ordered decants online para malaman ko muna yun scents bago ako bumili nung 50ml/100ml na perfume na talaga kasi its pricey HAHAHAHA

I love Le Labo’s Another 13 ( which I have )  Gaiac 10 Tokyo,  di ko trip yun Santal 33, but mabango din siya. I would like to try Bergamote 22 and The Noir 29

I ordered decants also ng Byredo so

I love Byredo’s Blanche,  Rose Of No Man’s Island, Gypsy Water and Bal d’ Afrique ( which I have)

Sobrang pricey yun LEGIT, so I ordered US Testers ( not the Dubai/ Singapore testers because mabilis mawala yun scent) , okay naman siya like 60% of the day nagsstay padin yun scent.

So sobrang natuwa na naman ako sa perfumes, AGAIN. I discovered fragrantica ( yun website na about perfumes/fragrances) . I found out, LAHAT ng favorite scents ko nasa Woody, Musky and Citrus Scent.

So now chncheck ko muna sa fragantica HAHAHAH

1155 the main accord is woody , Lacoste Red is also Woody, Bvlgari Aqua is citrus. 

Le Labo Another 13/ Gaiac 10 is woody and musky.

Naiba lang sa mga Byredo perfumes ko

Blanche which is Fresh , Floral and Aldehyde. Rose of No Man’s Island is very floral scent but both has a woody base notes.

Gypsy Water and Bal D’ Afrique is woody and citrusy padin.

If you want to know more about the main accords ng perfumes, yun mga notes ng scents, check out fragantica. sobrang informative HAHAHA

I link natin sa emotional being ko sa scents HAHA.

Kaya I always wear perfume, para LAHAT ng nakakasalamuha ko, they will ALWAYS remember me.

As I quote

“Olfactory has a strong input into the amygdala, which process emotions. The kind of memories that it evokes are good and they are more powerful,” explains Eichenbaum.”

“Smell goes into the emotional parts of the brain and the memory parts, whereas words go into thinking parts of the brain.”

This was proven by neurologists. May certain studies sila about smells na they bring so much memories and emotions. I knew this nung nursing pa ako, so sinabi ko na lagi ako dapat may perfume bukod sa di complete yun ligo ko ng wala akong perfume HAHAHAHA

Anyway, I cannot speak sa mga taong nakaka amoy sa akin, kung naaalala nila yun mga emotions nila sa akin before or yun mga taong alam yun scent ko

But I can speak about the scents of my past lovers, REALLY, until now, pag naamoy ko yun amoy nila, minsan hinahanap ko pa sila sa paligid ko HAHAHAHAHA ( No joke)

Past lover 1 - Her scent na nag-llinger sa akin til now was Zen Zest Daiquiri, Bvlgari Women, Lacoste Pink,  and Incanto Shine

Past lover 2 - Her scents were ( kasi mahilig din to sa perfume) Gucci Premiere ( basta Gucci yun) Nina by Nina Ricci , Eclat D Arpege by Lanvin , Calvin Klein CKIn2U,  Penshoppe Denim Love

Past Lover 3 -  Her scents were ( isa pa din mahilig to sa perfumes) Zen Zest Tangerine, Petit Monde Amber , Angel Heart ,  Ari by Ariana Grande,  Nike Azure Elizabeth Arden Green Tea Lavender.  Jo Malone English Pear , Wild Bluebell , Mimosa and Cardamom

HAHAHA sa sobrang hook ko sa perfumes, kabisado ko din mga amoy nila. AT HINDI SILA MAGKAKA AMOY SO ALAM KO YUN DISTINCTION NILA HAHAHAHAHAHAH PUTA.

My brain immediately goes like

ALERT!!!!  “gagi amoy ni _______ ano yun, bakit amoy _________” ( looks around) - automatic reaction ko yan HAHAHAH

kaya sa four seasons of loneliness na lyrics na “remind me of the scent of your perfume”  YUN TALAGA YUN LEGIT YUN HAHAHAHAH

Pero ha? kahit naalala ko sila pag nakakaamoy ako ng mga scents nila around, I feel giddy and happy, sobrang legit yun.

Hindi ko alam yun mga scents nun mga nakalandian ko lang, or nagka something lang kami, pero ALAM NA ALAM ko din yung mga pabango ng mga sobrang close friends ko, bakit? kasi tinatanong ko din or hinahanap ko sa rack nila HAHAHAHA kasi nga grabe yun fascination ko sa perfumes.

Eto yung mga scents nila ha , si papi din naka lacoste red , si bro naka D&G light blue yun, tapos may naka Bench na bubble gum, yun dalawang mag bestie, halos parehas sila ng pabango pero naalala ko sila sa petit monde amber, may naka bvlgari din pero hindi yun aqua, lacoste white,

pati nga yun boss ko alam kong naka jo malone sya e ,di ko maalala kung ano yun kanya sabi kasi nya sa akin “Ms. Cheyenne naka Jo Malone ka din?” eh naka wood sage and sea salt ako ng mga panahon na yun HAHA. so feeling ko mahilig din sya sa perfumes. tapos nagpapa pirma ako sa kanya nun design ko, sabi nya “Ms. Cheyenne, ano yun perfume mo? Polo ba yan or Ck?” eh naka 1155 ako nun, sabi ko “ma’am oxygen 1155 po” diba inaamoy nya ako haahahahha

Super important sa akin ng perfumes lalo na pag nasa office ako, syempre graphic designer ako, I have to present my design, lalapit ako sa mga big boss,  makikipag usap ako sa mga suppliers, I have to attend meetings, bukod sa clean looking I have to smell nice also, dagdag yun sa charisma, para ma approve yun design, at babaan ni supplier yung price HAHAHAHA

Saka super compliment sa akin na sasabihin mo sa akin na mabango ako. Kahit total strangers, ha? sa tindahan kina, eto naka Gaiac 10 ako, sabi sa akin nung nanay sa tindahan, “ambango mo naman” tapos nag smile siya sakin. Ansaya lang, HAHAHA

“ambango mo naman, parang ang sarap mong i-hug” - one way to flirt with me HAHAHAHA walang ano, kikiligin ako nyan HAHAHAHA

Nagiba na din ako ng roster ng scents, kasi ayaw ko ng super mainstream na scents, nagstop na ako bumili ng mga mainstream scents sa prescripto, or yung mga naka re brand na perfumes. Kasi nga gusto ko may distinction ako na “amoy cheyenne” kaya 1155 lang tinira ko sa dati kong mga scents. Puro Le Labo saka Byredo na lang scents ko.

Next time ttry ko na yun Maison, Replica and Clean Reserve.

So that’s my blog about perfumes. 

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Day 3 Blog - Part 2

MY CHEATING YEARS. MY REALIZATIONS

As to what I’ve said sa Day 2 Blog ko na sa sobrang hate ko sa cheating father ko I became him, unconsciously.

Bakit ako nagccheat before? (2006-2014)

First, because of my “ego”. Yun excitement ko na hindi ako mahuhuli, kahit andami kong katarantaduhan, yung pride ko na “I can make you fall in love with me” yung “andami kong babae” parang it was music to my ears back then.

Second, because I was not contented with my partner back then. “may kulang”  nacocompare ko sila, ganun, because I was so sure na may maiinlove ulit sa akin, pero di ko naman kayang panindigan.

The first long term relationship that I had ( Oct 2006- June 2011) syempre bata pa ako non like I was 16 yrs old back then, yun talaga super immature ko pa nun haha. naging toxic din kami, hanggang sa nagkaron na lang din siya ng iba. Pero di pa ako nagtino after that.

Tinigilan ko magloko nung nakita kong durog na durog na yun past jowa ko nun (Feb 2012-Feb 2015) before dahil sa kahayupan ko. kanta ko sa sarili ko nun unfaithful hahahaha pota. Pero nabago ko, kasi gusto ko, at hindi gusto ng ibang tao para sa akin. Ginusto kong magbago. Kasi ayaw ko na makasakit ng ibang tao. well di naman natin maiiwasan may masaktan tayo diba, let me rephrase, “ayaw ko ng pumatay ng tao” yun pala yun. 

Pero tangina talaga naawa na ako sa kanya (putangina ko talaga really) pero tinanggap padin nya ako pabalik sa kanya. andami kong sampal na natanggap sa kanya (deserve ko yun really) Kaso yun nga, naging toxic na, dahil sa akin, yung time na gusto ko na TALAGA ayusin yun sa amin, pero ubos na ubos na yun tiwala nya sa akin. sirang sira na kami, naging sobrang toxic na namin sa isa’t isa.

Kaya after that, sinabi ko sa sarili ko na HINDING HINDI NA AKO MANLOLOKO, HINDING HINDI NA AKO PAPATAY NG TAO,

Syempre fair si Lord so, naranasan ko din ma-betray,  (on cue traitor by olivia HAHA) kasi gago ako e, ayaw ko tumino e. The year was 2014. I remember it all too well HAHAH

I won’t tell the story kasi its not my story to tell, respeto ko naman sa kanila

Putangina gago para kang sinaksak ng paulit ulit pero di ka padin patay, tapos parang pinag ppray mo na lang na mamatay ka na lang. sa sobrang sakit.  Nadatnan pa ako ni mama jen na may blade sa tabi ng unan ko kasi gusto ko na talaga magpakamatay non AS IN.

gagi, durog na durog ako. Hindi ako makatulog ng walang alak sa sistema ko, kasi di ako makatulog sa sobrang sakit e. gumigising lang ako para mag inom ulit, nabuo yung tropang FCN (friday chill nights) kasi every friday-sat nagiinom kami magdamag. Alak at yosi lang dumadaloy sa buong pagkatao ko, kahit nagwwork na ako ng mga panahon na yun. Namamatay na lang ako sa sobrang kalasingan ko ( kung saan saan ako nakakatulog). Sila nagbibihis sa akin, pagdating sa kwarto sa sobrang lasing ko talaga, di nila ako maiwan mag isa sa sobrang kadurugan ko. Tnry ko na mambabae para di ko maramdaman yun sakit, PUTA ANG KALAT KO NON. HAHAHAH. ( til now nagiging topic padin namin ng tropang FCN yon kasi puta talaga ang kalat kalat ko non)

HERE ARE SOME OF MY WASTED PHOTOS DATED 2014 HAHAHAHA

Kaya sabi ko puta ganito pala feeling non. Kaya ayun nagtino ako, ayaw ko na kasi iparanas sa kin ni Lord ulit. 

Tapos bumalik siya after months kasi di sila nag work out, syempre, mahal ko pa siya that time, edi tinanggap ko, tnry namin i-work out, kaso umalis na siya pa ibang bansa. then wala na e diba, sira na parehas tiwala namin, eh, iniwan nya ako ulit, then bumalik siya ulit after ilang months, kaso may iba na ako. di ko na siya pinili. (HAHAHHA GAGO MAY PATTERN ATA AKO NGAYON KO LANG NAREALIZE HAHAHAHA PUTANGINAAAAA! )

sabi ko sa sarili ko na, kahit siguro mangyari sa akin ulit, di ko na uulitin na manloko, kahit pa “revenge” yun, natakot ako kay Lord, baka kasi bumalik na naman sa akin. Ayun nagbago ako. It was not my “perfect” years after that , kasi andami kong toxic traits na nadala from my past baggage, but I know I tried to be healthy and change MANY toxic traits that I had. So nagka character development naman ako.

(PERO GAGO MAY PATTERN NGA ATA AKO. LUH. SO ANO DAPAT IUNLEARN KO? LOORRDDDD GIVE ME A SIGN HAHAHAHA AYAW KOOO NA POOOO PLEASE LANGG)

PS  - Di ko po sinisiraan yun mga past jowa ko, yun lang po talaga ang nangyari, and alam naman nila yun. Minahal ko sila at alam nilang part sila kung sino ako ngayon, happy ako for them, I will always love them (in a diff way na nga lang), kung nasaan mang lupalop sila ng mundo ngayon.  - DAY 4 BLOG ( HOW I LOVE PEOPLE) bukas na tinatamad na ako magtype HAHAHAH

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Day 3 Blog - Part 1

So I saw my post 10 years ago, this includes my “cheating years” but I was single those months ( June 2011 - Feb 2012 - my single months lol)

This post has been taken from the song “Real Thing by Neyo”

“See I only want you, but he needs you, stay with the real thing”

I had a past lover she was taken , she fell in love with me, I fell in love with her also, (papano ka ba naman hindi maiinlove e, apaka ganda nya potangina tapos lagi kaming magkausap, after training nagkikita kami, saka siya naman talaga unang may gusto sa akin LUH PROUD YAN? HAHAHA) I didn’t know na may jowa siya, I’ve met her best friends SO AKALA KO, okay kami. Then I found out na may jowa pala siya, nagkakalabuan lang pala sila nun mga panahon na yun. 

Kahit gago ako, hindi ako sobrang gago para mang agaw ng jowa na may jowa. ( ilang beses ko na naranasan yan - madami akong kwento sa mga ganitong incidents HAHAH) kaya nagkaron kami ng inside joke ni bunch na “ Bakit naman ako malulungkot na single ako e, eh yung mga nagkakagusto sa akin puro taken HAHA”

If you’ll hear that song the lyrics goes

“And I didn't feel bad about it till right then Had to remind her that we were just pretend

I said baby I want you, But he needs you Stay with the real thing I'll never love you like he'll“

SO ALAM KO SA SARILI KO NA KAHIT NA-INLOVE NA AKO DUN SA TAO, AT MUTUAL YUNG FEELINGS NAMIN DI KO KAYANG MANIRA NG RELASYON

Isipin mo naman years na sila, tapos dumating lang ako sa buhay nila na nagkakalabuan sila, eh natuwa sa akin si ate mo girl ( at malay ko bang may jowa, honest to goodness NO BS, di ko talaga alam) di ko kayang sikmurain yun na pipiliin nya ako over her jowa that time, di kaya ng conscience ko.

Nagusap din kami na tigilan namin yung sa amin, and lalayo na ako sa kanya, which I did, kahit naging mag classmate kami sa isang subject, di ko sila ginulo. NEVER. Gagi iniyakan ko yun, cnonsole pa ako ng mga tropa ko, “potanginang mga babae yan” sabi ko nun lasing na lasing na ako. Tawang tawa sila, naging inside joke namin HAHAHA

There was a time na nakita ko sila magkasama sa school naglalakad pabalik ng school namin, then nasa yosihan ako, across the street, alam mo yun haha may kirot sa puso ko, pero alam kong tama yun ginawa ko, then her bestfriend came out of nowhere, nagyosi, inapproach ako sabi sa akin “awwww puta, mahal mo talaga siya noh?”

I said “oo, pero alam ko naman na tama yun ginawa ko, okay na yun basta maging masaya siya”

( ILANG BESES NA AKO NAGPAPAUBAYA POTANGINA TALAGA HAHAHAHHAHA)

Nagbreak sila after ilang months, then she called me Feb 2012, then we started talking again, kaso may thing na kami ng past girlfriend ko nun, tapos nabasa nun past girlfriend ko yun conversation namin sa FB ( wala pang messenger that time HAHAHA) ayun umiyak si ate mo girl past jowa ng grabeng todo na nagkulong sa CR, alam ko na sobrang nasaktan ko siya nung mga panahon na yun. so pinili ko padin si ate mo past jowa, kahit na alam kong gustong i-continue ni ate mo girl yun naudlot sa amin ( naisip ko din kasi na, kung kaya mong gawin yun sa past jowa mo, na years kayo, what more sa akin? na baka na overwhelmed ka lang - LOL SEE MAY TRUST ISSUES NA AKO NOON PA)

Hindi na ulit kami pinagtagpo ng tadhana. HAHAHA pota.

PARANG TELESERYE/ WATTPAD SERIES TALAGA YUN LOVELIFE KO PUTA.

Actually here’s a mini part 2 about sa “stay with the real thing” ay actually ibang song na pala siya HAHA “hardest thing-98 degrees”

“We both know that I shouldn't be here This is wrong

This was 2013. Nun kami na ni ate past jowa, nagkaron ako ng ka something, na which is taken din siya, ( as told nga these were my “gago years” ). She was pretty din kasi, a week na may something sa amin, umamin ako sa past jowa ko about my affair, kasi nga di din kaya ng conscience ko talaga.

Although pinili ako ni girl over her jowa that time, di ko siya pinili.

The lyrics goes like:

I've made up my mind There is no turning back She's been good to me And she deserves better than that

I can't let you see what you mean to me When my hands are tied and my hearts not free

Yes. bumalik padin ako sa past jowa ko that time. well yeah, kaya din kami naging toxic nung past jowa ko na yun, kagagawan ko din talaga, as in andami kong naging babae nung mga panahon na kami.

Ngayon ko nga lang na realize na mabait at mabuti siyang jowa before, di naman nya gagawin yun mga ka-toxic-an namin before kung di din dahil sa akin at sa mga kahayupan na ginawa ko sa kanya, sobrang minahal din nya ako, she gave me everything, ilang beses ko siyang niloko, pero paulit ulit niya akong tinatanggap. Diba? kung di ka ba naman gago e. LOL

So based din talaga sa mga stories ko sa buhay, very unstable ako emotionally and mentally before lalo na ng mga panahon na yan, so I’m really sorry sa mga nasaktan ko those years, inaamin ko yun mga kasalanan ko. I was a jerk talaga back then. so ngayon ko lang din talaga narealize yun, siguro nga kasi ngayon lang ako nag-hheal, ngayon ko lang hinaharap yun mga kagaguhan ko sa buhay, lalo na nung early 20s ko. 

pero di ko talaga kayang pumasok sa relasyon na alam kong “naagaw” ko lang. Mas kakayanin ko pa na masaktan na lang ako, and magpaubaya ako. na alam kong tama yun ginawa ko. “Ego” ko lang din yun na, kaya ko sila na mainlove sa akin, kahit may jowa sila nun. Karma or God’s justice really hits you 10x back yun na lang masasabi ko.

hindi ko na din in-attempt na balikan sila nung nagsipag single sila e, kahit alam kong naging mutual yun mga feelings namin before. It was just a trial pero syempre immature pa ako and very unstable, nagpapadala ako sa mga nararamdaman ko back then.

so read  my PART 2 - DAY 3 BLOG sa sobrang dami kong thoughts tonight

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Day 2 Blog

Mental Health. It is very very important, more than you’ll even know.

So here’s my story:

Actually before bnbrush off ko naman siya. For the last 14 years of my life. Na realize ko nag “s-snap” talaga ako.

The year was 2006 - 2015

I’m not proud of it but pag nag snap ako kasi may na-trigger ka sa akin, I tend to be super aggressive, nag ddisplace ako ng galit sa wall, I tend to “self-harm”. Like I punch the wall, I cut of my wrist ng hindi super lalim kasi ayaw ko naman mamatay ganun.

Also I am not very proud, but dumating din sa point na nagkaka physical fight na if may na trigger sa akin. I lost myself that moment. I am aware na hindi siya maganda, but hindi ko alam kung papano ko siya i-reresolve. So bnrush off ko lang the past few years.

I had to see a therapist this year because nag mental breakdown na talaga ako, it was triggered so badly this year. nag sself-harm ako, nag ssnap na lang ako, and was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety. I had to go through a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy you can google the meaning of that but for me parang ni-rerewire niya yun way of brain mo regarding destructive or disturbing thought patterns that have a negative influence on behavior and emotions.

And I asked my therapist about my cheating patterns. He said “ you hate your cheating father so much, that unconsciously you adapted what he was doing. Projection”

My therapist helped me to cope up with my “destructive behavior” but sometimes na ttrigger ako. Kaya if ma trigger ako, please do understand, and don’t pull the trigger. I know some of my triggers, iba’t iba yun respond ko at ng katawan ko, ( I won’t elaborate) hindi ko padin kasi siya na-hheal, but I am not forcing myself to heal kaagad, actually BLOGGING is one way of my therapy, because I could write/type some of my thoughts, parang in a way kahit may maka basa man or wala, na express ko lang yung thoughts ko, it is very therapeutic, sometimes, nagsusulat ako pag di ako tinatamad magsulat lol.

I don’t want people na kaawaan ako or some sort. Pero at least I’m doing something para hindi ako makasakit ng tao dahil lang sa behavior ko or sa mental health issues na meron ako. Di ko din ginagawang excuse to, or what I called “mental health card” para magkaron ako ng special treatment. NO! I don’t want anything na ganun.

For example, you said some bad thing na natrigger ako, I’m very proud na kaya ko yan i-handle e, may coping mechanism ako dyan. BUT, don’t push too hard sa pinapakita ko sayo or the way I handle things, “very kind, gentle, very understanding” coz I know, na

DON’T PUSH TOO HARD I’LL SNAP. 

Like may ginawa ka sa akin katarantaduhan, kaya ko i-handle yun emotions ko, yun pag cope ko, I’ll be gentle with you even though inside me galit na galit yan,  kaya ko i-filter yun sasabihin ko, kaya kong manahimik. I can be very understanding.

IF AND SO naka dalawa or tatlo ka sa akin, yun na mag “S-SNAP” na ako sayo, hindi na yan kakayanin ng self-control ko, I don’t care if madurog ka sa lahat ng respond ko sayo, no holds barred.

still I’m learning na maging patient pa sa mga tao, pero sa ngayon hanggang “thrice” pa lang ako. And I don’t like me, if I snapped e, hindi talaga siya okay, nagguilty ako after kasi I know I can respond better.

When it comes to relationships, nag-ssnap din ako pag may sinabi ka na nagpa trigger sa akin, na sobrang offensive ha? or pag may actions kang sobrang disrespectful.

iba yung criticisms, I can handle criticisms so well kaya nga graphic designer ako jusko naman. HAHAH

And alcohol is bad pag may sinasabi ka sa akin “thing” na bigla akong na-ttrigger. Like, nag iinuman tayo, tapos may sinabi ka sa akin na nagpa trigger sa akin, or may katarantaduhan ka, tapos nakainom ako. ASAHAN MO MAG-SSNAP AKO. Wala ako sa tamang headspace ng mga moment na yan, di ko kayang control-in yun actions ko.

KAYA CNCONTROL KO NA YUN SARILI KO.

I’ve learned that recently kaya HINDI NA ako nag oopen ng mga problema pag nakainom, or nagiinom, kasi alam ko sa sarili kong magssnap ako anytime. Pag kainuman kita tapos sinabi mo na “mag open ka na” wala, sasabihin ko lang sayo “wag na natin pagusapan ang mga bagay na tapos na” or “wag na natin sirain yun gabi natin dahil sa issues ko” or “the night is young, lilipas din to”

well actually I don’t talk about my problems/issues na recently sa lahat kahit sobrang close pa tayo, more on sa therapist ko talaga. Pag di ko na kaya, si Bro lang talaga pinagsasabihan ko ng problema. She’s my walking diary lol.

so really in all aspects inaayos ko din talaga yun destructive behavior ko.

I isolate myself if nag sself-destruct ako, kasi ayaw ko may madamay na tao. alam na alam nung mga taong sobrang close sa akin yan. after a few days saka nila ako iccheck “okay ka na?” pag sinabi ko “self destruct mode / hermit mode” alam nila need ko pa ng time alone.  Sila lang din talaga nakakaintindi ng mental/emotional state ko like a book. But I don’t want them to treat me “special” parang hayaan niyo lang ako, I will come out of my shell eventually.

I’m sharing my story, because I know, madami din nakaka experience nang ganito. I hope na you try to ask for professional help, because hindi talaga madali, I know. I’m struggling, I’m hurting, it’s very painful. But eventually we’ll be okay. Surround yourself with supportive people. Ako I’m trying meditation, it works for me, saka eto sharing/typing my thoughts, minsan nag titik-tok ako hahah kasi natutuwa ako e. Idc kung sabihan ako ng “baduy” , masaya ako dun.  (di kita inaano, at di ka inaano ng mga tiktok ko HAHAHA) really I don’t people please anymore. I’m unlearning that.

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

So I’ve read this dyan sa group na yan. 

This is clearly a recipe for disaster. 

And this is what I’ve been avoiding. This is by far the LONGEST time that I’ve been single. YEPPPPP! 5 Months. without anyone, without talking to someone, without flirting with somebody, no dating apps, NOTHING. 

And I’m proud of myself really. This is by choice by the way. 

14 years I have been in a relationship. YES! 14 YEARS. 

4 yrs (with sidechicks) then after we broke up, 2-3 months I am flirting with someone, then I had some handful flirting for a year. Then a 3-yrs relationship (with sidechicks) again after we broke up, 2-3 months I am dating again and then the 4th month on that same year, I entered a new relationship again and it lasted for almost 6 years. ( without a side chick, YES PROUD LOL) 

I am not proud sa cheating years ko, but I know that this a good indication na people do change, it takes a lot of self awareness, responsibility, accountability, growth and healing. 

Anyway, going back. I don’t want to hurt people anymore. It was never my intention to hurt people ( like the one dun sa screenshot) pero I know I was very unstable nung mga time na yun. All I want to do is to have someone agad, just because I don’t want to heal, I don’t want to feel the pain for a long time. And it caused me to bring my past baggages. 

I did learned many things from my past relationships, and I did learned A LOT from the last relationship I had, and she helped me changed some of my toxic traits. 

But 2-3 months after I broke up with the recent relationship, I realized na, “sino ba si Cheyenne ng walang partner, ng walang kalandian? I don’t know her really.” 

“Cheyenne: she’s someone’s girlfriend” - yun na lang ba mag de-define sa akin? I know myself when I am in a relationship, but sino nga ba ako? alone?

I realized na kung bakit I’ve lost myself during and after the relationship. Because di ko nga kilala sarili ko ng ako lang. Minsan nga napaisip ako e, “favorite ko nga ba to? o kasi favorite to ni _________  nagustuhan ko na lang?” “trip ko ba yung music na to? o dahil eto soundtrip ni _________ ?” Eto ba talaga yung hairstyle na gusto ko? O kasi gusto lang ni _________ “ 

I know sometimes, we adapt the likes and the favorites of our partners, and eventually nagugustuhan na din natin. Like dati I don’t like shawarmas/ arabic foods but one of my past girlfriend did like it a lot, saka masarap yun legit na shawarma talaga, so nagustuhan ko na lang din. Ayaw ko dati na naka clean cut ako pero dahil gusto nun isa ko pang past girlfriend, well.. I do look good pag naka clean cut ako, so yun minsan yun hairstyle ko. 

Every long term past girlfriend that I had, they are a part of me right now, kung sino ako ngayon.  yung skill ko sa pagluluto kasi tinuruan ako ni , yung lawak ng food palette ko kasi pinatry at kumain kami sa ibat ibang resto ni,  yung knowledge ko sa flowers, yun knowledge ko sa interior design, yung naging cat lover ako, yung naging caramel macchiato yung go-to drink ko kasi favorite ni, yung pagiging sophisticated ni, na adapt ko, yung pagiging kalog at yun sense of humor nila na adapt ko din. as in  sobrang dami nilang na impart sa akin. may mga bakas sila sa buong pagkatao ko. Yun yung natutuwa ako. REALLY. 

Pero this time, gusto ko ako lang muna yun makaka discover ng things na gusto ko. I want this journey all by myself, minsan malungkot lalo na kung 3rd wheel ka, or cuddle weather, or may nakita kang kyot things na may ka matchy-matchy. or may naglalampungan na mag jowa sa tabi mo HAHAHA. It’s lonely and painful. Tbh, nahirapan ako mag adjust lalo na nun 3rd-4th month HAHA. 

And the most important thing, gusto ko muna ma resolve yun past baggages ko, yung trust issues ko, yun mga unhealed wounds ko from the past, hindi lang from the recent relationship ha? WAAAAAY BACK 2006. Hindi lang din sa mga past girlfriends ko but sa mga taong nakasalamuha namin like, family, friends, mga unwanted people ( i don’t like to be rude kasi so “unwanted people” na lang LOL ). May ugali kasi akong minsan bnbrush-off ko, pero minsan nagtatanim ako ng sama ng loob, kaya alam ko nag pproject minsan sa relationships ko, of course nun mga panahon na yun wala pa akong idea sa “emotional intelligence” sa “narcissistic tendencies” sa “projection” sa “inner child wounds”. Recently lang talaga ako naging self-aware sa mga ganyang psychological and social issues ko, started back nun nag CBT ( Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) ako. - will talk about it in a different blog LOL

Dadating naman ulit yung girlfriend sa right time, if si Lord na talaga magbibigay. And I know it will be worth the wait. Baka nga asawa ko na talaga yun dumating. 

Anyway, that’s for my Day 1 Blog. 

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

So I tweet a lot,  I’ve decided to have a blog AGAIN, where I can write a long posts, and no one will care.

I’ve been blogging since college, but you know things changed, sometimes I have no time at all, been through a LOT, and writing/typing my thoughts help me clear my mind from all the overthinking. 

Eleven Days Inside My Mind , well you’ve guessed it, it is only for eleven days. before 2021 ends.  Random topics about myself, food, love, friendships, relationships , how my mind works (lol) ,and everything in between 

I won’t be that active on social media for the year 2022. I promised myself that I would lessen my social media presence ( lol kala mo artista haha) I won’t be active on twitter anymore for the rest of 2022, will posts picture padin naman sa IG once in a while. But it will be my self-loving, healing journey. And mostly yung triggers ko comes from social media, so I should you know lay low a bit. 

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

Welcome to my mind

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

[elevendaysinsidemymind]

I think one of the saddest things is when two people really get to know each other: their secrets, their fears, their favourite things, what they love, what they hate, literally everything, and then they go back to being strangers. It’s like you have to walk past them and pretend like you never knew them, never even talked to them before, when really, you know everything about them.

(via poetry-siir)