endawn

[endawn]

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( listen l i s ten — trying to clean but it popped into my head )

[endawn]

After all this loss, after all this pain, you are still the last one standing. Even when you don’t want to be; especially when you don’t want to be. How much does survival hurt? Does it feel like you are drowning with air in your lungs, does it feel like you’re dying with every diligent beat of your still-living heart? Maybe you’re alive, but this is not what you wanted. And how much does survival cost, my love? How much did you pay to be left standing here, amidst the silence and the dust? Did they even ask before they took it? You are the last one standing, and yet you still end up on your knees. You are the last one living, and yet still you bleed.

— survivor’s guilt // p.s.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ study. ❜ ❫

[endawn]

the “yes look at this distinguished gentleman” audio but it’s pax getting the arm of a chair hooked on his sword and accidentally swinging said chair when he gets up because he forgot to take the sword out of the belt before he sat down.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( he has that dumb of ass energy )

[endawn]

decapitation won’t kill him permanently. it will keep him down for a good bit, though. someone would have to reattach it for him but his body will do the rest ( it would put him in a severely blood-starved stage so expect him to not….be himself ). if this was intended and his body was kept separate from his head, his head would try to reach out & influence the minds of anyone around it. disembodied whispers to find his body, eventually compelling whoever spent long enough around it to do as it says. if nobody is around, soothsayers or anyone able to receive visions would start hearing voices in their head and having dreams through his eyes in hopes of them figuring out where his head was hidden. once they have possession of his head, the whispers will guide them as it retains a bond or connection to his body. anyways, pax wouldn’t be consciously doing any of this and the last thing he would remember after coming back was the pain & the feeling of a blade going through his neck. he’d be just as surprised as anyone else to be ‘alive’ again.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ study. ❜ ❫ #❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #body horror // #( combing through old hc posts from my old blog ahh )

[endawn]

anyways, going to jump over to my multi @oioend to sort of liveblog on the adventures of meep meep

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( well their name is styx but she looks like a meep meep to me hshshs ) #( it could be her nickname <3 why ? idk but they are sooooo impressionable )

[endawn]

the more i work out his bg3 verse in my head and have it established pax has not been in faerun too terribly long ( 3 years ), i want to say he has very limited knowledge in what bha..alspawn are. which, learning more is hindered by the fact he isn’t good at reading the common language. asking anyone seems like a poor idea. so, he isn’t familiar. he doesn’t know what to look for. their existence simply not being on cyrodiil ( or tamriel, in general, mayhaps in no small part of mol..ag bal ). yet, he can clock them. he senses them and is always aware of their presence. even when they’re invisible. it’s a prickle at the back of his neck, a smell in the air. a twist of his stomach. he has a visceral reaction to a durge pc during the first meeting. not dread nor fear; anger ? he does not know why. it causes him to halt his hailing approach only briefly before he then catches the smell of the illithid parasites. his hesitation and confusion can commented on, but he’ll excuse it as fatigue and weariness. a half-truth. the tieflings he was escorting will chime in about the gnolls before thanking him and heading back into the grove. pax will suppress the agitation churning within him, but he’s noticeably more….not hostile, but guarded around durge. he will eventually figure out its durge specifically causing this after spending a little time in camp, if recruited. still no clue as to why, though. however, he will be way more receptive to offering advice if they come to him with their worry on their urges depending on if it’s pre or post - vampirism reveal. pre, he’ll hesitate to divulge too much but there’s a level of understanding, either way.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ v. down by the river [baldur's gate] ❜ ❫ #❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ study. ❜ ❫ #❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( thinking about the old lore of undead being able to tell where they are at all times within 60ft ?? ) #( anyways ) #( bal & bh..aal getting pinged when their precious little meow meows get near each other ) #( they start spamming the dogfight button lmao ) #( —> pax mistaking it for his bloodlust / hunger ) #( he avoids cities like the gate until the tadcrew drags him along </3 ) #( and never lingers in towns so any passing of a bhspwn were missed or not given much thought )

[endawn]

him being an abomination to mortals / humans but a embarrassment to vampires is so good actually. obviously humans are like ‘ah monster kill it!’ but vampires are….’why do you protect those who should be your prey? your food? you are a disgrace to your own kind.’ but pax is just,,,,,what is my own kind? i was a mortal; human, first. i was born into this world a man. i died a man. just because i came back as an abomination does not mean i should forsake my humanity.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ study. ❜ ❫ #❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( he’s holding onto his humanity with a bloody vise grip )

[endawn]

pax is absolutely vicious when he feeds off of bandits and the ilk. sure, he feels guilty about having to do it but it is a way for him to unleash the pent up rage and general bloodlust. it’s simply the inherent nature of his curse. deep down, vampires revel in inflicting pain and giving into their animalistic urges. he’s disgusted by it, but it is something he has to have an outlet for lest he lashes out and hurts those he cares about.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ study. ❜ ❫ #❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫

[endawn]

if starting a relationship with him, he will make an offhanded comment in how them being with him is in direct conflict with the tenets of most, if not all, of his gods. he tries to pass it off as a halfhearted musing but deep down it does bother him. he’s conflicted. makes him question if he’s truly deserving of this happiness and if somehow merely being near him is enough to harm or corrupt them.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ study. ❜ ❫ #❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( sad bark bark bark thoughts ) #( work is bogging down again ) #( dibe..lla & ark..ay explicitly discourage it ) #( noting vampires have impure spirits ) #( pax isn’t overly religious but — ) #( there’s a lot of guilt and shame wrapped up in his undeath ) #( i mean his entire undead vampiric existence is in direct conflict with them )

[endawn]

do you ever think about how pax as a person was always selfless to the point of self destruction and only saw his worth in what he could do for others being in stark contrast to his undeath where he has to quite literally leech, steal and take the life from others in order to sustain himself?

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( some good shit )

[endawn]

anyways anyways, mol..ag is an irredeemable shitstain and i went back to my actual durge pt. i named them styx but im lovingly calling them meep meep

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #orion plays bg3 #( its the eyyyeeeessss ) #( pax has big wet sad eyes while styx has 'are you gonna finish eating that' eyes ) #( wild magic sorcerer / fighter goes brrrrrr )

[endawn]

ah, finally got a lore book that directly calls vampires mol..ag’s children, offspring & spawn. carrying his corrupted blood. calls him their father.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( so adding that to the scion of bal ) #( again if someone calls pax that he’s chewing on their throat )

[endawn]

if you want an idea of how pax leading a squad to deal with the vampires went or how i have it in my head, watch the eso trailer for grey..moor.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ study. ❜ ❫ #❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( mind you pax didn't reach the town nor planned to confront the vampires at night ) #( he didn't plan on mol..ag's direct aid & involvement either ) #( he underestimated just how invested they were in him ) #( attacking a town was their way of drawing him out ) #( he thought they wanted to kill him out of revenge. thats it. ) #( not him being the final piece in completing a ritual for bal ) #( anyways the vampires raised a shroud that blocked out the sun and covered the immediate area ) #( without the sun to weaken them pax and his men never stood a chance ) #( OH and all the mages were especially targeted so they couldn't cast any sunlight spells ) #( pax himself was shot by arrows coated with magicka poison to keep him from casting at all )

[endawn]

love reading tes vampire lore because this bit always gets me:

Persistent myths claim that vampires are weak to garlic, but they are untrue.[15] To date, only one vampire has ever been harmed by garlic due to a preexisting allergy.[16] This was a wholly unique phenomenon, and all other attempts to combat a vampire with garlic will inevitably end in disaster.[17]

like to think this myth was/is perpetuated by vampires themselves because oh boy the blood comes with seasoning

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( rip to those foolhardy dumb bastards )

[endawn]

the added salt in the wound is all vampire lord forms were created in mol..ag's own image

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ study. ❜ ❫ #❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( pax's differing slightly from the rest with it being larger and having a tail ) #( like bal's true form ) #( but pax does have wings that can be described as batty or devilish ) #( usefulness of said wings depending on if its day or night ) #( sunlight burns the membrane up and he can't do anything beyond levitating )

[endawn]

no thoughts now beyond the dawning horror of. the creaking and groaning of metal armor, leather straps straining and snapping as pax struggles to keep himself from shifting into his vampire lord form. a horror that turns into complete mortification as those around him slowly realizes what they’re hearing isn’t his armor anymore but his bones, muscles and skin stretching, ripping, and snapping.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #body horror // #( the body horror of it all goes brrrrrr ) #( there’s a reason why he has a very muted reaction to being described ceremorphoses ) #( * ceremorphosis ) #( for him that’s another tuesday )

[endawn]

seems like lycanthropy, vampirism, bhaalspawn…ism are all cut from the same cloth and all can cause the individual the slip into violent, animalistic tendencies during times of heightened emotional stress.

#❪ ⋅ ✹ ⋆ —┊ ❛ ooc. ❜ ❫ #( they’re all shaking hands ) #( or biting them. idk man who knows )