ev-1e

[ev-1e]

THOSE CROWNS...ARE MINE.

I saw her again last night. I used to dream of her almost every night. Compared to the other dreams where I show proof of strength and wisdom, her appearance changed all that and created me into a slave whose will is only to follow her instructions. Completely mindless. I was mindless that time. Another character showed up too at the time after her. Scaramouche from Genshin Impact. I end up pledging myself to be his slave after she disappeared.

Waking up, the first thing that crossed my mind was what Jinwoo said during episode 4.

"How much stronger do I need to be before I'm finally able to escape my past?"

That mindlessness took over my dream self and I couldn't bring myself to be lucid. It was her. Not a single memory of Solo Leveling crossed my mind at the time. I tried waking up, but I felt so weak. She was there...

Of all the people I've met after 10 years, she was still there.

I thought I was over her. I knew what she did to me. And yet, the feeling of fake safety still lingers every time I see her. It's been 11 years since I last saw her. What she did never tantamount to a near-death experience but as a 13-year-old at the time faced with criticism left and right and no safe place to just let all my emotions out, she was the only being that gave me that safe place, though it wasn't without intentions. Manipulating, gaslighting and using me for everything. To protect herself, making me a meat shield for everything.

I know what she's done throughout those 3 years of hell on Earth that I experienced. Yet, every time I see her, I still let myself fall into her trap. After 10 years, I still fall for her illusions and gaslighting. And took it to being under someone else's wing too. Someone who I revered as just chaotic good but I turned them evil because of how I let myself fall and continue to fall.

That desperate feeling of wanting safety. It's a cocoon I'm trying to escape from but the encasement is still too strong. This is hopeless.

She's still there. She's still-

...

I should... I should keep going. I'll find a way, to completely eradicate that feeling. I'm the only one who can scare myself. She isn't a part of me anymore.

Every day, there's always new kings to be crowned. I'll make sure she doesn't get a chance to be that new king.

This was not a failure. No. This was a reminder. A reminder of why I want to get stronger, smarter and braver. Those crowns. They belong to me. Those crowns. They're mine.

https://youtu.be/4BB7cEBo1X0?si=pWaemqxTXAMYUci-

[ev-1e]

MY CHANGE SHOULD COME WITH PAIN

This week is the start of another semester. My last semester in university. Yet... My beginning felt no different than the previous semesters. This year's beginning was no different than the previous years.

Reflecting my past doesn't help with my change nor does planning for the future. Either my plans to change are too simple or too complex. And a small ounce of emotional trigger is enough to turn a day to the worst even with careful planning.

People say not to pressure yourself when you get triggered. But the thing is, when I do what they ask, I'm left with nothing but feeling a fake sense of contentment. They also say not to push myself when I've already given effort. They don't understand. No one does.

Sometimes, I haven't put in any effort in the first place. Sometimes, I want to try my luck and push further.

They don't realize that by saying "not to push yourself" or "you've done enough", it only made things worse for me.

I'm not enduring the pain of change for fun. Change comes with its own set of pain. Before someone could turn into an athlete, a few aches and muscle bruises is imminent to make them stronger.

If a person's mentality were to be put into the same equation, it's only when old beliefs break will new ones give birth.

Thing is, I could never pass that threshold. People noticed my effort before I could even push through. Then they'll give the advice that I mentioned earlier. Sure, it's just advice. But coming from someone who used to be manipulated by other humans, I followed it without a second thought, afraid they would worry for me.

But now that I'm writing it here, why should I be afraid of them worrying for me? Only I know the limits of my potential. Only I know whether I can go further or I should stop. They will worry. I would be even more worried. But if I knew I can go further, I would not only push through, but also reassure them that I know my limits.

There. I'm seeing it better now.

Again, if there's anything that I learned from this story that I use in my daily life, then IT IS possible to level up like him.