fusamitsu

[fusamitsu]

You told me that you were struggling to find things that like about yourself without thinking that you’re not that person. So...this is the person that I think you are, starting with,

50 Thing that I love about you 

I love your taste in music

I love your laugh

I love your dorky smile

I love how you are truthful and Vulnerable with me

I love how you make me want to be a better version of myself

 I love how you’re the type of person that anyone can talk to for hours and hours on end

I love how you notice the little things

I love how you’re empathetic and willing to accommodate to make sure that everyone is included (like moving your movie night back an hour because of that one EU person so they don't have to sit alone in call for an extra hour)

I love how you’re thoughtful in terms of your actions and your gifts

I love how you’re great at making people feel noticed and appreciated whether that be in chat, or in normal interactions

I love how you’re good at games

I love how you are the light of the room wherever you go

I love that you have a sense of humor and how you’re actually funny (even though your favorite joke is the bread one)

I love how passionate you can are about the things that you love ( even when you’re passionate about being angy).

I love our unspoken habits whether it be the scrunch of the nose or the closing of a fist

I love the fact that you make feel safe enough to be honest with you about anything

I love how smart and self aware that you are of yourself

I like the cute voice that you do when it’s just you and me in call

I love how clever you can be (even though it sometimes ends in my getting roasted alive)

I love that you get along really well with my friends and vice versa

I love how excited you get when you tell stories whether it be on stream, or just you and me

I love how comfortable you’ve grown to be around me

I love the look that you give me when you just look into my eyes

I love all the shows and things that you’ve been able to share with me

I love how you love to spoil me as well as your friends

I love how you always feel close to me despite being over 1000 miles apart

I love the fact that even though we haven’t known each other for very long, you make it feel like I’ve known you my whole life

I love the fact that you’re always down to do stupid shit with me like wearing matching outfits

I love when you randomly sing 

I love the fact that you have heard a lot of my stories before but you still sit and listen to them

I love the kisses that we give each other

I love the fact that I can do NOTHING with you and be happy

I love the way that you text and I can hear your voice in my head

I love going bed next to you, and waking up next to you

I love how hardworking you can be

I love that you ask about my day, and hearing about yours

I love it when you look at small things and tell me how they reminded you of me

I love the random noises that you make throughout the day

I love the idea of all the things that we still have yet to try and do together

I love how cute you are and all of the pictures that you send me

I love how you gas me up, compliment me, and screenshot the snaps that I send you

I love that you are trying to become a better version of yourself

I love all the stupid phrases that you have ingrained in my mind because I do in fact, remember them

I love the fact that you are willing to learn from mistakes

I love the fact that we are able to share our thoughts in journals like these

I love that I can never stay mad or upset and you

I love your gentle tone, and how you can calm me down when I’m upset

You respect your friends, and constantly make an effort to check in on their well being

I love your flaws

I love the person that I know you can be

[fusamitsu]

I hope you’re doing okay, I miss you a lot.

Take your time in doing whatever you need to do, I’ll be here when you’re done.

I got called into work for my on call today so I’ll be at work until I’m off tonight.

I’ll be waiting for you

I’ll miss you till I don’t.

[fusamitsu]

It’s just been a hard week because I miss you a lot. I do have good news. My switch got approved so that I have Tuesdays off now! I now work Sat-Mon. I hope you’re doing alright. I had a feeling that’s what’s been going on. 

I know I don’t need to tell you things that you already know. But that's not the first time that he’s said that, and it won’t be the last. I’m excited to watch Riverdale with you though, and to play more games.

I may have also bought the reaver set on Valorant.... Kit talked me into it...

I’ll miss you till I don’t

[fusamitsu]

Today was hard. For a lot of reasons. Hearing that you missed me felt good in a weird way. Not that I don't miss you too, but just after that one weird spam of time, hearing those words again was relieving.  I got no sleep cause my dumbass stayed up watching worlds last night. Thank you again for sending the kids my way. I know they were with you beforehand. I just wish we could have watched it together. I had all these people watching with me; but because you weren’t there I couldn’t help but feel lonely.

The costume turned out a lot better than I anticipated. My mom was able to help me add some stuff which helped a lot. While I was at work though I was just imaging what it’d be like to go to a costume party with you and match. October 31st has been weird for a lot of reasons. Your cosplay looked really good, and the contacts and hair suited you in a way. You looked really good. There are things I still wish I could do , and I find myself still thinking of how things could be different.

But for now I write here again until I can see you again.

[fusamitsu]

I see you offline on discord all day and it makes me wonder if you’re just out or if something happened. Hope you’re doing okay...

[fusamitsu]

Is he still there or....

[fusamitsu]

My ringer will be on tonight. If you need me, I’m here

[fusamitsu]

9/28/20

Its 4:45 am. I can’t remember the last time that I’ve stayed up this late playing games. And I don’t want to sleep either. Because I know as soon as I lay down and have nothing to distract me all the thoughts are going to rush into my head. Not being able to talk to you, or see you, or hear your voice for an unknown amount of time makes me just so...sad, and in a familiar way. And the idea of you, with him, makes a pit in my stomach. I wonder... a lot of things. I wonder if you tell him you still love him when he says it to you. I wonder if you hugged and kissed to greet him as he approached your front door. I wonder if you sleep with him holding you. I wonder if you kiss him back when he kisses you. The thought of you sleeping with him makes me sick to my stomach, and the thought of you being intimate with him makes me want to vomit. But I guess this is karma in a way. The feelings he must have felt when he found out that we slept together. All the things that we had done. 

You asked me if another week made a difference in terms of things in the long run. The short answer is of course no. But... I'm already struggling so hard this week, and the thought of having to do this again next week... These thoughts and wonders all over again... its mentally draining. I miss you... so much. I don’t even know if answering these questions would make things better or worse for me either. I.... just don’t want to think of that. I would hope that you’d find some way to say no....but you have no reason to NOT be intimate with him... 

you are his girlfriend after all

And I’m just here waiting. Still.

Your text let me at least know you’re thinking of me. I miss you too.  I know this is hard for you too. But for me, its 1000x harder. 

[fusamitsu]

“Some people make promises with no intention of keeping them others break promises they intended to keep the trouble is you don’t always know which is which”

— @sixwordssayitall

[fusamitsu]

“I had no idea what I wanted, only that I wanted something, which is the worst kind of wanting.”

— David Levithan

[fusamitsu]

There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn't.

— John Green, Turtles All the Way Down

[fusamitsu]

“Do you think the universe fights for souls to be together? Some things are too strange and strong to be coincidences.”

— Emery Allen

[fusamitsu]

“Whatever you are, be a good one.”

— Unknown

[fusamitsu]

Tonight was honestly surreal. The day of all of us playing games again was not something that I thought would happen again. Especially so soon. That and the fact that somehow everyone was conviently available so that we could all catch up was crazy to me.

I really wanted to impress you. Especially in valorant. After you saying that you’ve heard so much about me, if I didn’t live up to that I would have been so mad. I was so caught up in my own performance I didn’t even really think that you would be having the same thoughts too. I could tell you were nervous in valorant. But I don’t think you could tell I was. I usually don’t play THAT aggressive. But I wanted frags so I did.

League felt so. Normal. Being able to play bot lane again with you was honestly the highlight of my week. You don’t give yourself enough credit though. Your rakan. Fucnin nasty. You’re still a really good player. I don’t know what you remember me being like, but I hope that I got better. A really big reason I wanted to get better because I never wanted you to think that I was bad. You said you were angy. That I did all the work. Part of me thinks you’re kidding, but part of me thinks that you’re not. I don’t know what you really think of me as a player, but tonight I was just enjoying being able to play with you again I didn’t really care. Even the game we inted I was still having a good time. I hope it’s something we can do again. I understand if it’s not. But I genuinely enjoyed every minute of it.

[fusamitsu]

Lori Gottlieb, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed

[fusamitsu]

[fusamitsu]

“We shall meet in the place where there is no more darkness.”

— George Orwell