gamesreul
The Funtastical Adventures of Ethan Reul
I feel like the title pretty much says it all, don't you?
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05/12/14 - Rockstar
Sometimes life punches you in the face. Sometimes, life punches you in the face repeatedly. And sometimes, life just beats you down until you can barely find the willpower to stand up again.
The past few months, it's felt like every action I made, every course I pursued... it turned to failure, and only served to make me think that I, in turn, was a failure.
Today, after everything, I got an email that, at this point, I know oh-too-well. Another rejection. Another lost opportunity. Because I wasn't good enough. Because I couldn't rise to the challenge.
Or, at least, that's how I felt about it for most of the day. Until just a few minutes ago, actually. I'd spent the day feeling like it was time to throw in the towel; I'd been dealt one too many sucker punches to the gut by life, and I was ready to take a breather and sit out a round or two. A few of my friends tried to cheer me up, but it didn't really work... Nothing they said could get through.
But then, I turned to music. It's easy to forget, sometimes, how powerful music can be. But it is.
I went to Spotify, and I turned on a song I've been really into, lately... "Rockstar", by A Great Big World. And, something about the lyrics... It reawakened a bit of the spark I thought I lost today. It reminded me that just because we face trials in our life, we can't let our failures define us... we have to let how we build off of those failures define us instead.
One day, I want to be a showrunner. I know that inside, but sometimes, when the world gets rough, it's hard to remember what I spend so much time fighting for. But, listening to this song... it reminded me that sometimes, we just have to do what we're born to do.
Sorry for how stupid that all probably sounds. It's been a long day. But, thanks for reading :).
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The always-brilliant Michael Bublé has released a new song, internet friends. You should listen to it!
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I heard this on a "HIMYM Montage" video somebody made on Youtube around the time of the finale (God damn it, that finale!) and I really liked it, so, yeah. Listen to it. Enjoy it. Or don't. I'm not the boss of you. Sheesh.
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04/28/14 - Procrastination
As I sit here with Microsoft Word staring blankly back at me, daring me to write another word on what is sure to go down in history as "The Worst Essay Ever Written", I find myself inclined to take a break and reflect on life for a few minutes. On the internet. Because, of course, nothing's worth anything if you don't get a few "likes" out of it.
So, reflection time. Here we go.
It's been about two months since my last "real" post, assuming you're not counting the "How I Met Your Mother" one. Speaking of HIMYM... That ending! Oh my god! What the hell?
Okay, okay. Focus, Ethan. Deep breathing. You got this.
Two months ago, I was nearing the end of my Winter Quarter. The smell of shit was strong in my nose, and I wasn't exactly in a happy place. I was starting to realize that maybe I wasn't as happy as I'd convinced myself I'd become... That, despite all the changes that had happened between Fall and Winter quarter, I was still a fish out of water at UCSB. That I was still alone.
Now, most people think I'm crazy when I claim I don't like coming here. "But you're on the beach! It's so nice there!" And, they're right. It's a beautiful place. As such, it's hard for me to put into words what I dislike about UCSB, but I'll do my damnedest.
Every weekend that I stay here, without fail, I face a choice on Friday and Saturday night: "What am I going to do tonight?" The choices are relatively slim, but it's a difficult decision nonetheless. You see, all my friends go out. The ones that don't only stay in because they're too backed up on homework to leave their rooms. Which means, I'm left with two options. On one hand, I can stay in myself, play video games and watch movies alone, which is fun enough but fairly lonely. On the other, I can go out with my friends.
This option is where I begin find myself uneasy. I don't drink. I've got no interest. It's not because I'm a "prude" or because I think it's "amoral" or because I've got some big religious reason... I think people should be free to do the shit they wanna do. I just have no interest in doing it of my own volition. But, because of this self-imposed restriction, I find parties nigh-intolerable.
The smell, the sweat, the loud music that I can't imagine that anyone could enjoy but yet everyone seems to... It's unbearable to me. And yet, often, I'll go. I hate it, but I'll go. And why? So that I don't have to spend Friday night alone. When I go to these parties with my friends, I inevitably end up being the guy that makes sure they get home ok in one piece as they get wildly, irrationally drunk. They lean on my shoulder and thank me profusely... And then, they continue to barely acknowledge me when they're sober again. And I don't hold it against them; I know drunk minds aren't sober ones, and I'm just thankful I was there to make sure they were ok. But I just can't spend every weekend playing guardian angel anymore.
I want to be somewhere where there's people that are more happy with a Friday night spent in playing Cards Against Humanity or Smash Bros than getting hammered at a frat house. I want to go to a school where I don't feel like a loser for not drinking, or for not wanting to party... A school where I don't feel pressured to drink or start smoking every time I step outside my room because I so desperately want to fit in.
And I know UCLA might not be much different. It could be pretty similar, for all I know. But it's not the number 2 party school in the nation. There's no "Deltopia" or "SB Halloween"... I feel like, even if it's not as different as I think it is, it's more likely that what I'm searching for is there, rather than here.
UCSB is a great school with a lot to offer. It's given me a few really great friends that I truly care about, and that alone is a gift. And it's given me plenty of other friends and acquaintances as well. My classes have been solid, my grades strong, my prospects high. But every day, I wake up with the same pit in my gut... That pit reminds me, every day, that I don't belong here. That I don't fit in, and that I'll never fit in unless I give in to Isla Vista.
And I don't want to.
Should I want to? Is there something wrong with me for not wanting to become that guy?
That's where I start to wonder, you see. Is this just growing up? Learning to throw caution to the wind because I can? Is that what I should want to do? And even if it's not, should I be at least making an effort to fake it?
It feels weird to me. Foreign. Because I'm just not that guy. I've never been that guy. And I can't shake the feeling that I don't need to be; that I don't need to change the fundamental core of who I am in order to "grow up". But, if I don't change, will I just continue to feel alone here? Like a stranger in my own home?
But, I'm getting off track... This was all leading somewhere. It's two months later. April 28th, as a matter of fact. In these past few weeks, I've made an effort to become more involved on campus. I've helped my friend Bailey win her political campaign, I've joined a club, I've applied for some on campus jobs in the student government next year... All with a goal. After I came back from Spring Break, I realized that even though this might not be the right place for me in the long run, it's where I am for the present and foreseeable future. And, so, I've made it my mission to make my mark, however small that mark may be, while I'm still here. Why? So that in the years to come, if more students come along like me... Maybe they won't feel so out of place.
Maybe, just maybe, they'll feel at home.
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The song that's making this Monday oh-so-much better. I've been listening to this song WAY too much recently...
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02/24/2014 - The Smell of Shit
I've noticed that your nose always seems to wake up a little bit later than everything else. Okay, maybe that's a total lie, but smells definitely seem to be the last thing I notice during my wake-up routine.
Sometimes, this smell can be amazing. Waking up in the morning to the smell of freshly made pancakes waiting downstairs with strawberry syrup on top and bacon on the side? That's an awesome first smell. But, unfortunately, that wasn't my first smell of the day. No, my first smell was the smell of shit.
More accurately, it was the smell of the guys' college dorm bathroom on my floor, which arguably smells WORSE than shit. I was just minding my own business, brushing my teeth, when it reached my nose. And it was in that moment that I knew today was going to be a no good, very bad day.
I'm sure that you (assuming there is a "you" out there reading this, though I suppose that's probably pretty optimistic) has had a no good, very bad day before. It's just one of those days where it feels like every moment is one fucking nightmare after another. As I write this, it's not even 11:00, but my charging cables all started acting up and almost bricked my phone and my philosophy TA passed me back two papers that I tanked because he had never critiqued any of my previous responses and I'd simply assumed that meant I was doing them fine (hint: it didn't). I'm normally not even ready to go by this time in the day, and yet a week's worth of stress has already been packed into my day so far. Whoopieee!
But, I'm optimistic. Or, at least, I'm pretending that I'm optimistic because I think (hope) that the day will get better. Even though it is a no good, very bad day. Because even the no good, very bad days have to have a silver lining somewhere, right?
Right?
Fuck.
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12/31/2013
Pretty much everyone has heard, at least once in their life, the phrase "Today is the first day of the rest of your life!" And, technically, that's true. But, it's usually said more to the effect of "Today's your chance to go out and do something with your life; don't waste it." Of course, most people don't say that, 'cause that sounds a bit more cynical. But it's true.
My name's Ethan. I love reading, writing, sleeping, eating (primarily chocolate), playing video games, more sleeping, etc. Standard teenage/young adult guy material, for the most part. I'm a few months into my freshman year of college, and I'm (currently) an English Literature major with aspirations of a career in television writing and production, which probably sounds like a bit of a stretch. It is. I'll get to that one day, I'm sure.
But, back on track. It's New Years, and I did (shockingly) have a point to this post besides giving out a simplistic profile of myself to the internet. That point being, today marks the official end of a chapter of my life.
Now, most people would say that your "high school" chapter ends when you graduate. Chronologically, I'd be inclined to agree. However, for me, it ends today. Since graduation, I've been clinging to the past; I've been unable to let go of the high school version of myself. Sure, high school me was bored with life in his small, suburban town, but he had his life in order; he had his friends and family around him constantly, and he had a routine to fall back on.
But then high school ended, and this high schooler was flung into a completely different world. A world where my two best friends weren't a few minutes down the road with words of encouragement, a world where I realized that my chosen major (at the time, Computer Science) was about as poor a fit for me as a child's t-shirt on a sumo wrestler. A world where I was, in essence, lost.
At first, it was terrifying and stressful. I probably talked more on the phone with my parents those first few weeks than I had talked to them when we were under the same roof. I found time here and there to get in touch with my high school friends, but most of them were already immersed in their own new lives, and handling it (on the outside, at least) a heck of a lot better than I was.
But, as time passed, I realigned myself. I refocused. I started realizing what I really wanted to do with my life, and made efforts to change my college experience to fit those goals. I started making friends, though it had seemed impossible only weeks before. And I started to feel happy again. Little bursts, here and there.
2013 was a big year for me. I went to Prom, graduated high school, started college, got through (relatively) unscathed from my first quarter. But even more importantly were the little moments: going to the beach with my friends, having my first "real" relationship, going to Hawaii with my family for one of the most wonderful weeks of my life, spontaneously playing Fugitive at night on one of the last days of Spring Break, or meeting people at a bus stop that quickly become some of my closest friends. These are the memories that I carry with me forward, along with the countless others I neglected to mention, partially due to space and partially due to this being around 2:30 in the morning where I live and my desire to wrap this up.
So, finally, after this crazy, roller coaster-esque year I've endured, for better or worse, I've emerged. Perhaps not victorious, but certainly not defeated. And I'm ready to let go of that high school me. He was a good guy (I hope, anyways; I try to be), but his time has passed. It's time to discover what college me has in store.
In short, thank you, 2013. Sometimes you were incredible, sometimes you were god-awful, and sometimes I had no fucking clue WHAT to think of you. But, in the end, the journey led me here, and I look forward to what the future holds.
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