getris - Tumblr blog

getris · 5 months

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Things seem to be heavier lately, even small simple tasks like going for a short walk or getting changed just feel so much more draining and exhausting.

My sleep has gotten so bad that I'm sometimes going 3 full days without a wink of sleep, and my eating is worse, at the moment I cant stomach anything at all and if I do its only small bites or if I cook a full meal I immediately feel full and physically sick and end up throwing it away, in the last months I've dropped a total of around 14kg in weight and it still continues to gradually drop day by day.

I am constantly agitated or angry to the point where I want to scream and punch something until my knuckles turn to mush, I'd never do that to anyone or around anyone, despite being angry and frustrated/agitated id never directly take it out on another person, but I just feel permanently trapped in my own head and its been like this for the last year and it only seems to be getting worse, I could reach out to friends but every time I do, either I cant explain it the way I need to for them to understand how serious it is and I end up feeling misunderstood which makes me feel even worse than before or the friends I have care so little that they just don't really react when I tell them, so either option feels like shit and just makes me feel like an idiot for even being open about it, that's why I'm posting here I guess.

The thing I hate the most is I have been through so much shit in my life that I feel like I have an unlimited amount of shit I can put up with without doing anything stupid, but these last months have left me with a genuinely unsettling feeling that I don't have a lot of time left, sometimes I sit there and fantasize about ending my life, or thinking about all of the different ways I could do it without it being obvious that I did it by choice.

Its the worst at night when there's nothing left in the day to distract myself with, at night it seems like my mind doubles down on all of these different scenarios or thoughts, I try to think about the future but I've reached a point where I seriously do not see a future, I can't imagine getting back into work, meeting someone I like, learning to drive or even getting a place of my own regardless of how cheap and shitty it is, which ends up making me not even want to bother trying with the small things like why should I bother exercising when there wont be a benefit to it, in the end ill just give up on myself completely at some point and burn bridges with everyone I know just to make it easier.

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getris · 6 months

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I've heard some people use tumblr as a way of venting or letting things out, i guess those are the same thing and i figured ill give this a try.

This will mostly be me venting to myself about things to do with my life starting with my grandad, and id like to stay anonymous so i wont mention his name.

But on may 28th 2023 i lost my grandad, so about 6 months ago now, ive delt with mental health issues for the majority of my life, idk if thats due to a cocktail of family issues, medication my mother was taking when she was pregnant with me or if theres just something not quite right in my head.

Ive delt with major trust issues, self confidence and self image issues, physical and emotional abuse from both parents and emotional abuse and manipulation from an ex partner but never in my life has anything come quite as close to the level of mind twisting torment that grief has provided; i loved my grandad dearly, out of every member of my dysfunctional family he has consistently been the only safe space, i have never once seen him get angry, swear or even raise his voice unless he was letting out one of his typical hearty chuckles and i think i can safely say that no matter what anyone said he couldnt get angry or judge.

That doesnt mean he is incapable of being firm, he was a fair man and if you did something truly stupid or disappointing he would give you this specific look, one that is still filled with love and compassion but sadness and disappointment and he might throw in a softly spoken "dont do that" (but a little rugged from years of cigars and whiskey during his time in the army), even then his tone was reassuring and it never made you feel challenged but it always got through, i could be screaming at my mother, bright red faced and body full of adrenaline but the moment i caught that look and heard that tone it would all wash away and id feel nothing but regret for what ever was said or done, thats when you know someone is a good person, when they dont need to shout at you, push you or say harsh things, and a simple few calm words immediately diffuse the entire situation.

So naturally me and everyone else in my family were close to him, i have so many fond memories of him, like the time he had this golf cart (he loved golf) and my brother turned it on by accident and sent the thing shooting off down the street as my grandad desperately sprinted after it, or the times he would adamantly try to fix or build things on his own since hes an ex army mechanic and knew better, only to sheepishly realise hes made a mistake and go back to the instructions, he took me to a fishing tournament once and i honestly didnt care at all about the tournament but it was a lovely chance to spend one on one time with him as adults, he even bought me a cider and a beer for himself and that was the first and only chance i got to drink with him, that tournament was even broadcast on TV once so id love to go back and try to find it to see if i can spot me and my grandad in the crowd somewhere.

Theres so much more to the relationship between me and my grandad and im sure ill remember some of it and come back to write more another time, but you can imagine why it felt like my world was shook, i was at a friends house when i first got a call from my brother, he said something along the lines of my grandad had fell over and they took him to hospital, found out that it was potentially cancer but there was no certainty, i cried immediately after that call because to me my grandad was this big, unshakeable ex military man and ive seen him hurt a million times and be unbothered, so to hear that he had collapsed immediately sent waves through my body and i knew something wasnt right.

i spent another few days at my friends house and went home, at that time i was grossly behind with university work (due to mental health issues), and i had finals coming up so i had to force myself back into work, nothing but university and train times and study sessions on my mind because i had to pass, i had to... so i went to my friends house, we study better together and have similar mindsets, so it works out really well when we study and bounce ideas back and forth between each other to get the assignments done, i remember finishing a particularly gruelling study session with her one night when my brother messaged me saying he needs to tell me something but its better if i hear it in person, but i intended to stay at my friends until these assignments and exams were over so i pushed him to message me the update and thats where the regrets started.

My brother told me that my grandad was very sick, it was confirmed to be cancer and the moment i read that i felt physically sick, but my brother reassured me that my grandad was told he had a few years to live, so immediately i wasnt too hurt and i was hell bent that as soon as these exams are over im going to go visit him and once hes out of hospital ill make memories with him, drink with him if possible, anything he wanted.

But thats not how it went, i kept studying and handing in assignments and all i had left was one more exam and thats it im free for the summer and i can go see grandad, but just a day or so before the exam my brother messaged me again saying my grandads health had declined rapidly, he was told months, and then weeks left, so of course i panicked, but i had to do this exam and it was only one more day so surely everythings going to be fine and i can still go see him in the hospital and have a laugh and chat with him.

Exam day comes and i cant get it out of my mind by this point, my family told me they are visiting him that day and asked if i could come but because of visiting hours and my exam hours, i couldnt go but again i told myself "he has weeks left, i can bare one more day and visit him the moment my family goes again", so i went to university, went into that exam room and the entire time i couldnt focus, my university was in the same town that my grandad was in care, so all that was on my mind for that entire two hours was "hes only 30 minutes away, what if he passes while im in here", but the exam time passed painfully slowly but it passed regardless, after the exam i was insanely exhausted and depressed, i hung around with my friend after the exam for an hour or so and then took the train home, turns out timing is a bitch because the moment i got home my parents asked if i was still at uni because they could pick me up on their way to the hospital but i had just got home, the next train would be an hour from then so theres no way i could have visited.

Two days later i was at my mothers birthday when she informed me that my grandad didnt in fact have weeks, he had days left at most and they were going to see him the next day and theres no way im missing anymore chances, so the day comes that we get to go see him, but again something really did not feel right, we got in the car and only a few minutes after picking up my grandmother my aunt (who was at the hospital) said to come quick because he was choking on his own tongue at that point and they expect him to be gone any minute.

Thats the beginning of the heartbreak, seeing my own grandmother in the car talking out loud "just wait (his name) just wait a bit longer please", she was a lot like him, always innocent, always smiling and there she was begging to herself in the car crying, hoping he can just hold on a bit longer for her to be at his side.

We get to the hospital, i watched my nan walk as fast as she could, in pain to get to that room, the moment i walked in it felt like my entire world had ended in that instant, he was no longer my grandad, seeing him in that state felt like my heart had just been ripped out through my chest; he was pale, hairless, almost no muscle left on his body, his skin was a different colour, you could see his heart beating through his chest because his rib cage had twisted and changed shape, he had his eyes and mouth half open and all you could hear was struggled breaths, occasionally interrupted by a weak cough or the sound of him choking on his own tongue, his spine had broken in multiple areas from coughing, thats how frail his body had become.

It was painful, he was clearly suffering and i went through whirlwinds of anger, sadness, anger, sadness... Sad and heart broken seeing such a strong pillar of my world laying there struggling to even exist, and anger that he was allowed to stay in this state, nurses coming in to inject him or feed him medication that would only serve to keep him in this state for a little bit longer, i felt like he was being tortured in the most inhumane way for hours, he couldnt see or hear or speak by that point, just breathe and exist in pain.

Thats when family started talking, gossiping about his state and things he had done during his stay which further broke my heart, remember earlier when i said he had never sworn, never raised his voice and was effectively this gentle giant? Well i overheard my aunt, mother and grandmother talking about how he had been in such pain that he had started threatening the nurses, swearing at and insulting everyone within eyesight, begging both nurses and family to either kill him or take him somewhere where he could do it on his own terms, just typing that out brings a painful lump to my throat because to change such a gentle, loving man into that state must have meant either he was already suffering immensely, or he knew exactly bad it was going to get, it was shock after shock, emotional whiplash.

I stayed in that room for as long as i could which turned out to be 5 hours and 24 minutes, i couldnt bare a moment longer before i stood next to his bed and said my goodbyes, seeing a person you care so deeply about in such a state of suffering, staying in that room for those 5 hours had physically exhausted me, its not that i was just tired of being in the hospital, but i dont think i could have processed another second of that day without rest, so the second i got to my house i passed out in my bed, two hours later my phone was ringing and it was my brother, grandad was gone.

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