ginageovani

[ginageovani]

Here it is. My last day in 2021, it’s 31 December, Pa. Here’s another pondering that made me writing (aaaagain…)

We’ve been thru the first half of 2021 together, then God decided to take you back to His home on July. I didn’t want to blame anything. God has been good, and He is always good.

It took me time to realize that not everything in life is meant to be a beautiful story. I used to wonder how to let go of things and someone. For me, letting go has little to do with giving somebody permission to live our life and to accept everything we have and also we don’t. I don’t really understand fate, but the best things are never forced, are never created out of ultimatums, never leave us reeling and even questioning them for months or years at a time. Papa, I know that we can’t prove how much you love someone by how much you’ve pained over loss. These thoughts of mine were fighting and messing myself for sometimes, have brought me down. Remembering all the things we wanted become memories, I am haunted, we finally mean to say goodbye to those things, that’s alrite, I learnt. Let that be my closure, Pa. Not every person we feel something deep is meant to be a forever. People come, either to teach us to love and not to love even to teach us not to shrink ourselves ever again. Of course, people go– and that’s alrite, Gina. Let go, let the lesson and memory stay. That is what remains.

It doesn’t matter, Papa. I am getting used to this. I’ll be living every moment of life. I’ll cherish every broke down and every wins. Watch me up there, okay? It’s hard to promies you now, but really, I am trying Pa, I am trying to be the best version of me… and of course making you proud.

Many times I tought I should have gave up, cries even sometimes I want to cakar my face like yuklaa hidup mau bawa aku kemana~ BUT He keeps showing His promises. He leads me to something I could have ever imangined. Thru my nangis while driving alone, thru my nangis @ my bedroom.. thru me trying to look fine in every classes or skillslab after my tough time. Again, He saved me, He put me on His solid rock.

Even it is really hard to sum this year and I can’t stand anymore to write any longer than this so I wrapped this writing here and,

thank you 2021.

[ginageovani]

My bedroom was dark for 2 days. The light bulb was broken. I was so sorrowful just to replace it with the new one. I hesitated to replace it at first. It reminded me to when we changed this bulb for the last time, Pa. “Adek, ini Papa udah beli bohlamnnya, papa angkat tangganya, Adek yang naik ya ganti lampunya”, that was what you said each time the light bulb was broken + because you are so afraid of height.

Pa, today, the light went off but I could not get anyone to help me. I brought the ladder on my own. I put the light on my own. Yet, don’t worry Pa, I still bought the same type of emergency lamp like you bought before. The emergency lamp that stays on even tho it was black out. Don’t worry, Pa, I had put the ladder back on my own, it was all fine. I made it.

I promise you I can make it. I promise you I will make it. 

[ginageovani]

The last time I cried the most, I ended up at the hospital. Being unconscious and hallucinating, was not my first time. Mama said, I was asleep but I kept talking about what heaven was, how happy I was being in a garden full of flowers, how beautiful the place was. Mama had to make herself awake to make sure I didn’t pull the infusion needle from my hand again and again. “How could a girl be pulling the needle from her hands twice in one night shift without being in pain?”, that was a question asked by a nurse the time I woke up.

I thought I was hugging him. I thought I was holding his hands. Eventually, it was unreal. I woke up and all I found was Mama. She was sleeping on the hospital bedside while holding my hands. There were stain of blood at the blanket, at my shirt and at the floor. I can not even remember what happened that night until now. All I knew, I was just sleeping tightly. 

Papa, people said it was just a phase of me-missing-you. Papa, Adek really miss you today. It’s been 100 days..  and I let go.

[ginageovani]

It is Saturday.

I woke up in the morning, the sun shine brightly as it was telling me to open my eyes wider and clearer. Everyone loves Saturday, like who doesn’t? Everyone can’t wait to spend weekend with their love ones. 

Saturday taught me patience. Growing up with Papa’s working outside the city has never been easy. We should wait for Saturday to come to meet him, to hug him and to only have Sunday-breakfast together. I used to wait for Papa’s morning call telling me about what time he would arrived at Medan, would ask me whether I wanted martabak or mie rebus Tebing, would offer me many foods he would pass along the ride to Medan. All these things won’t happen anymore. No more weekend routine to spend with Papa. 

I thought making myself busy will make me forget those moments, but eventually they won’t go away. I still accompanied Mama to grocery shopping every Saturday morning. She still cooked feast for us like she always did every Saturday. She kept making the bakwan jagung you always craved to, Pa. She kept buying your papaya on Friday because it is your favorite fruit to eat while watching those badminton matches or tournaments on TV. This week, it was Uber and Thomas cup, Pa. I stopped watching those badminton match, I just can’t, Pa. You promised me to watch Olympic together  the day you were out of hospital, we couldn't make it ya Pa? I muted those badminton social accounts which we always checked the updates to. I did not look for any badminton infos anymore, it kept reminding me of you. I ignored those badminton-match-cut when they were coming up at my YouTube timeline. I missed all those badminton tournaments that we always watched on Saturday. I could even hear our “ya-ya-ya” when Indo players added the score right now. You kept the TV on even it was not Indo match to keep you stayed tune. You kept telling me you love Saturday where you would be at home, enjoying your day-off from work. Saturday mean you buying your comfort food like Chinese food. Saturday noon, the time you arrived at Medan, with om Ivan or any drivers, you with your travell pillow rounds your neck... Papa, I miss opening the door for you. I miss having dinner until we are both full, then you would ask me to brew your green tea. Papa, your box of green tea bags are still here, but there isn’t you here. Papa, I am so sorry, it was not on the front row again, I moved those tea packs to the back. 

Then, here comes night, Saturday night. Usually, you would knocked my room either to ask me to rub your back or just sit at my desk. Then, you would said “Selamat tidur, adek”.

All these things happened on Saturday will always bring me back to you. I miss you even more, Pa.

[ginageovani]

When I let go, I let God. Papa earned his wings to heaven. I lost my huckleberry friend and my first love. I thought it would be an ordinary Saturday where I usually went to groceries, but fate was not it. He gave us such a sweet memory the day before he left us, asked me how my skills lab was going on, and assured us that he was totally fine, but in fact, he was not—what a selfless father you are, Pa. You died peacefully and lovely. You fought the good fight, you finished the race, and you kept the faith. At least that is how I can describe your gone. In the end, Jesus took your fainted heart, He took those ocean tears, and He brought your mountain height, Pa. 

I think about you, always. How’s there, Pa? I know you are safe in the most peaceful place right now. Are you fine? Cause somehow, I am still trying to, and I promise I will. They said there are five stages of grieving: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Still, I did not know in which state I was. Eventually, grief was already here. Within my being, it had always been here. No struggle would permit me to forget that. I still yelled in the air, “I miss Papa.”

It was exquisitely painful. I thought a pang of dread. I felt cheated out of a lifetime of memories with the most important man in my life. There are so many things I wish I had known. It hurts bitterly until now. The truth is I will always miss him. Papa, when I felt so restless, you would be the one to comfort me and said, “Adek, even the very hairs of your head are all numbered by Jesus, do not be afraid.” You kept reminding me to pray and praise even when it was hard to find peace. We used to cherish and laugh at moments of life to make us feel alive and grateful. I love how everything gets easier when I am with you. Oh, sweet man, you encouraged me that well. And for that, I am so thankful. I did that, Pa. When I mourned, I tried to remember those happy times we had. Those warm-small eyes you had when you laughed, I miss that. I could even hear your laugh ringing on my head right now.

Pa, I could not choose any beautiful words to portray you. Beautiful, it is your soul. You are a beautiful display of faith, grace, and kindness. Also a rock, a pillar of strength, so faithful. I meant it when I said I wanted to have that tender soul you had. Indeed, you are the person I aspire to be, Pa. Thank you for letting me know that life was not all about take and give, rain and sunshine, win and lose, up and down, but love. Thank you for showing me what love is. Thank you for always giving me a chance and encouraging me to be the kind of person that I am today. Thank you for standing by me every time. Thank you for believing in me more than I believe in myself. For your constant support, endless love, and for being my everlasting friend, I love you. I will always be your little girl, Pa.

Papa, you have taught me everything, yet you forgot to teach me how to live without you. I am going to learn, Pa, I promise, even without you here. We were supposed to have one more breakfast, one more phone call, and one more series to be watched together. We were supposed to have more than this, Pa, but I trust that His timing is never wrong. You are now safe in His arms. It starts here, my new journey that does not include Papa on earth. I let God. I let God. I let God. I wish I could hug you and hold your hand, Pa, but I could not. Then God, could you hug him tightly and kiss his cheeks dearly, and please, could you tell him it was from me? I know You are his forever best friend, and of course, You are. 

In this vast universe that often makes me feel small, I am truly sorry if I have ever disappointed you, Pa. I am going to learn to be the daughter you will be proud of. I am so grateful to be your little girl— then I figured out: nothing else matters. Lucky me to receive sincere love from the most loving and giving figure I have ever known. It is you, Papa. Yet all belongs to the man Above. We give back to God that is already God’s. You are gonna live forever in me, Papa. I love you.

[ginageovani]

Aku menghadapi Blok Penelitian siang ini.. Biostatistik, ayolah berteman baik, kenapasih susah dimengerti?

[ginageovani]

“Bangun aja dulu utopia yang kita mau atau cita citain biar bisa nyemangatin diri sendiri kalau kadang merasa lelah”

Si selalu nyemangatin tapi enggak mau disemangatin... I hope everything goes easy on you.

[ginageovani]

Instant Family (2018)

I decided to watch this one at Netflix before going to bed, but this movie took me by surprise. This movie was a true definition of loving and heartwarming. Fostering isn’t something to do freely and easily, it taught us that raising a child is not an easy thing to do. Highly recommended to remind us the flaws of human being. Lots of humours and dramas but still entertaining the way they are. Especially the connection between Lizzy and both Pete-Ellie.. so loving.

[ginageovani]

Am I sad or am I scared?

#Spotify

[ginageovani]

Dear God, I ask that You would guide me, yield me as needed and redirect my steps when danger lies ahead. I know You know the cries of my heart, even when I can’t find the words.

Pleaae help me to lay my struggles and my feats at your feet. Please continue to equip me for what lies ahead, protect my head from this fickle world, and guide my mind.

Amen.

[ginageovani]

Dearly Gaby, I knew we rarely met past these years. Meeting you again at your daddy’s funeral was never something I would imagine. It’s sad to see you and your family grieving. May God heals your wound and your heart, may He always be by your side and your family.

Unexpectedly, today’s devotional was this and reminded me of your loss. You can get thru this Gab. 🤗

[ginageovani]

I hope we are all sane and healthy thru this situation. This may force us to adapt to these new things. Almost half year and I thought we still survived.

[ginageovani]

I hope we are all sane and healthy thru this situation. This may force us to adapt to nwe things. Almost half of the year and I thought we still survived.

[ginageovani]

My 45-minute-quick-buying-sister’s-things-and-buying-frozen-yogurt—and-went-back-home.

Managed to take a mirror selca to make sure mama I was good and did a great job for avoiding the crowds.

[ginageovani]

I’ll be gone, you will be too.

[ginageovani]

20 years old but still falling for words but here’s the wish I thought the most.

Thank you.

[ginageovani]

The admiration I had for my dad is undescribable. He got his eye mayor surgery few days ago yet mantaining himself to be okay and fine. I know it’s hard and it hurts a lot not to sleep as per usuall, should keep his head down and sit on a special chair for some weeks, should take some liquid-drop to his eyes per two hours, oh my heart, I even can’t imagine if I were him. Lots of daily check-ups that he will have in the upcoming weeks might tire him, but I know you’ll cope with it cuase you did great, really great. I pray all the greatest grace of God upon you, Pa.