gretchendysphoria

[gretchendysphoria]

i know she's his everything. i got that. maybe i just want him to know how hurt i was maybe, maybe i want him to see what happens when someone just drops me i dont know i dont know I DONT KNOW AND YET DESPITE EVERYTHING I FEEL RIGHT NOW, HOW HURT I AM HOW ANGRY I AM AND HOW CONFUSED I AM I WOULD DO THE SAME FOR HIM AS I WOULD FOR ANYONE I WOULD LAY MY LIFE ON THE LINE I WOULD SACRIFICE MY EXISTENCE I WOULD SAVE MY FRIENDS, MY FAMILY, MY ENEMIES AND MY STRANGERS I WOULD SAVE EVERYTHING but im just another person

[gretchendysphoria]

i think its really bothers me because i open up so much to him, and then he just threw it away

[gretchendysphoria]

im scared i dont know what to do because im honestly angry with him but i dont want to be because he's my friend and i hate myself when im angry because!!!! being angry is not me!!!! i just spit words when im angry and i dont want to say anything out of place but him just dropping me like that really hurt i feel like he never wants to talk to me and when he does he groans and is like oh my god not this shit again and he just finds me extremely annoying and depressing to be around it makes me feel like he doesnt care and if he really did care he wouldnt drop me like this and it hurts me even more because i want all of my friends to be with me all of my friends mean so much to me, they help make me who i am i dont want to lose anymore friends i just want to make more i dont know im upset he dropped me but im more angry because?!!! he promise me he wouldnt leave me and thats basically what i feel like he's doing i barely talk to him because i get this strong vibe he doesnt want me around period either because i reminded him constantly of what we did, or im just annoying as fuck, or (hahahahahah this one is never gonna happen) or that he still has feelings for me and literally doesnt know who to go to i dont fucking know i already know the last one isnt true because he'll never love me. never.

[gretchendysphoria]

why am i so hung up on whether or not you truly care about me still, you dropped me and left me and honestly that really fucking hurts. why do i still care about if you think about me or why you just suddenly stopped talking to me. i know i dont cross your mind anymore and part of me thinks you dont talk to me because i will start shit or that i remind you too much of what we did. isnt it like you said yourself? nothing happened. so if nothing happened then why arent we back to what we were at the beginning of the summer when you actually knew and cared about the other people that existed? you can’t just drop people like that, sometimes its their worst fear.

[gretchendysphoria]

trust me "friends" do you think i actually like feeling like this?? forcing myself to not devote my entire being into someone i love?? having to tell myself lies over and over to make my fantasies and feelings go away?? "he will never come back for you" "he doesnt love you" "everything never happened because the person he truly loves is back" i dont want to burden him with my sadness. i can never say no to him whenever he looks at me, theres no possible way i could ever say no. he needs to be happy, and ill help make sure he's always happy. his happiness is much more important than my own.

[gretchendysphoria]

i think was still hung up for awhile because i wanted him back, i felt so loved and i think i loved him and i think part of me still loves him thats why i was so hung up on him for awhile last week and after everything happened. and when everything happened i think how i reacted at the party reflected how broken my heart was. and even after that, after everything he did i wanted to get back with him i wanted to start over but i messed up all over the place. i have fantasies sometimes about him coming back and realizing he loves me and wants to be with me. but last week while i was talking to you and thinking about it i had to, destroy what i felt i guess. i made myself know that he was not coming back. that he was with his lover. that he will always love her. that everything we did never happened now that his lover is back because it was in the past. that we would never happen again and were meant to just be brother and sister. thats why it makes me so upset when you and everyone else thinks im trying to get him to talk to me all the time or im trying to get him back is because i know he will not come back for me. even if someone gave him all the money he would ever need in his life and the only thing he had to do was get it was to be with me he wouldnt do it.

[gretchendysphoria]

im literally screaming i relate to this so hard but it doesnt apply to me anymore

[gretchendysphoria]

its so funny bc yesterday i bought some figures for my friends and one of them was for my ex but we’re still friends and everyone was like ooohhh you got that for him so he can talk to you again and im like no??? he already still talks to me?? and it made me really upset bc i really trust him and what he’s told me but my friends say he’s lying and im like hes not i trust him. but, sometime i let myself go back and relive some of our moments and i think it wouldve been nice if it did work out but i just, ive accepted that he loves someone else and its not me, even if i know i love him. i even say i would take him back if he came back to me but i know thats not going to happen.

[gretchendysphoria]

how i visually describe how i feel right now: shes hunched over on the ground, pools of blood all around her, and a spear is dug deep into her heart. she can barely move because if she does the spear will just dig deeper and more blood will pour out of her broken body. shes covered in bruises and gashes, her blood dripping slowly down her arms and mouth, the occasional crack on her body. she cringes, her tears slide down her face as they drip into the sea of blood as she tries to remove it, but the spear forces itself deeper to stab her again and she screams, choking. she falls to the ground and struggles to get back on her shaking knees. she looks up and see all the mistakes shes done to people on replay- how they started, how they went, how they ended, even how they left. the anger in herself rises, and she starts to cry more and more and more until the pools around her become a strangely beautiful mix of tears and blood. she remembers how she wanted to die because it’ll erase the future mistakes she’ll make. the thought of removing the spear ponders in her mind, all while the outside of her is this empty shell who looks with this blank stare as if they feel nothing. that every sign of life in her has disappeared.

[gretchendysphoria]

ive been posting so much vent lately i know i cant help it its literally one of the only ways i can feel better because this pit in my stomach isnt filling up anytime soon and i dont want to move or do anything. Talking to people helps me a bit but not enough because i cant feel anything to their sympathy or when they tell me “its going to be okay”. Ive barely drank or eaten anything in the past 3 days and i honestly want to just give up. Ive screwed up faster than i have ever in my entire life and i want to scream and cry because im so sorry but everyone’s sick of hearing me say that. I wish that party never happened, i wish i cancelled it and lied saying i was sick and just sulked in my room playing video games instead i had a gut feeling something was going to happen but i didnt stop it. Everything feels like a dream none of this seems real but it is and i wish this was just a shitty nightmare i could wake up from but its not. I deserve everything that happened to me. Its kinda like what you said the other night, I made my bed and I’m gonna sleep in it.

I’m such a fucking idiot.

[gretchendysphoria]

anxiety: STOP PESTERING HIM, IF HE DOESNT REPLY THEN HE DOESNT WANT TO TALK TO YOU

me: he's probably just busy!! maybe he'll text back later..

anxiety: YOU KNOW HE WONT TEXT BACK LATER, BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING AND YOU MAKE HIM UNCOMFORTABLE AND HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU

me: thats not true!!

anxiety: YES IT IS AND YOU KNOW IT, EVER SINCE SHE CAME BACK WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME HE ACTUALLY TALKED TO YOU

me: ... thats, thats not it he's just trying to-

anxiety: YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THAT THATS A LIE YOUVE BEEN REPLACED KITTEN, FUCKING DEAL WITH IT

me: NO I HAVENT, no.. no i havent

anxiety: STOP LYING TO YOURSELF, YOU CAN GO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT, OH WAIT YOU CANT BECAUSE YOU'RE ANNOYING AND CLINGY AS FUCK

[gretchendysphoria]

what ive eaten/drank in the past 3 days: i dont think i ate anything on wednesday; a small bowl of popcorn, a small handful of m&ms, half a can of ginger ale, and three hershey kisses thursday; a wine glass of champagne, a bag of popcorn, a can of cokacola, a can of ginger ale, some chocolate on friday. Today? a packet of chicken ramen

[gretchendysphoria]

im just a bother, a stupid fly that wont go away

[gretchendysphoria]

kill me

[gretchendysphoria]

KILL YOURSELF YOURE ALREADY OVERTHINKING THIS AND YOURE JUST GONNA GUILT EVERYONE BECAUSE YOU MADE A SMALL STUPID MISTAKE SO GO AND FUCKING ROT IN SOME HELL YOU DESERVE TO BE BEATEN AND KILLED OVER AND OVER AND OVER

#anxiety #ssuicide tw

[gretchendysphoria]

SO WHAT IF IT WAS A SMALL STUPID MISTAKE LOOK AT WHAT YOUVE DONE LOOK AT HOW BADLY YOU FUCKED UP IT JUST TALLIES UP AND UP AND UP AND SOON ENOUGH YOULL FALL TO THE GROUND WITH A SPLAT

#anxiety

[gretchendysphoria]

DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

#anxiety