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gullible-fishyy

vi ♥

everything happens for a reason, but sometimes that reason is because you are stupid and you make bad decisions

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gullible-fishyy · 2 years

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gullible-fishyy · 2 years

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the first time and the last

the first time i fell in love felt just like my first time behind the wheel. it was something so common, i had seen it in movies and while walking down sidewalks and i had ridden backseat watching my parents together for years. but once i was in the drivers seat, finally in the moment, nothing about it was familiar. i had to learn about all the different gears, the emergency break, the rearview mirror. i sped through reds i didn’t even notice, stopped short at yellows, and stalled at greens in sheer terror of going any further. my steering was always wobbly and timid, living scared of everyone else on the road. but eventually, i got more comfortable. no longer hitting the curb on every right turn. realizing when to use the brights, and when to slow down. i could turn on the radio, roll down the windows, and switch to cruise control. i was in love, and i was comfortable enough to just sit back and enjoy the ride. the issue with getting comfortable, though, is you begin to see the speed limit as a guideline. you begin to see stop signs as suggestions. you begin to feel completely sage, invincible, even. so i forgot to slowdown at yields. used the backup camera instead of looking behind me. paid more attention to the person in the passenger seat than i did the road in front of us. and i thought i’d be prepared for the first crash, i really did- i mean, they say it happens to everyone eventually, and i knew that. the films show them in slow motion with orchestral music in the background, and everyone ends up okay. that’s what drivers ed and romance movies taught me. but i never realized how painful airbags were until it was my head slamming in them. and i never imagined how the seat belt would dig into my shoulder, trying to hold me in place when all my body wanted was to break free. i never thought of the shattered glass, the skidding tires, the eerie silence after everything had stopped. nothing could prepare me for that. and once you have that first crash, yes, you move on- you get in the drivers seat again, you throw away the love letters and meet someone new. but you can never let yourself get comfortable. i spend an extra few seconds at every stop sign now. my hands shake as i hold the wheel. my foot hovers over the brake pedal expecting something to go wrong. because every time i pick up speed going down a hill, or find myself getting attached to someone new, all i can think of is that eerie silence. smoke rising from the hood, heart beating out of my chest, breath slow and shaky, trying not to cry. i am constantly stuck in that moment. wondering where everything went wrong, wondering how i was too blind to see it coming, wondering why i didn’t slam on the brakes fast enough or swerve out of the way in time. one second everything is fine, and the next i’m just a piece of the wreckage. the only way to completely prevent heartbreak is to never fall in love in the first place. and i guess that’s why i don’t get behind the wheel anymore.

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gullible-fishyy · 2 years

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january 10, 2022

i wish you the best and i hope you are able to find who you once were, because i’m tired of waiting around for the man i fell in love with to come back again — and until then, i love you, i miss you, and i’m always rooting for you.

#personal

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gullible-fishyy · 4 years

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