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harhar91 · 8 years

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Eulogy for the Living

Over the last 10 years, I’ve published a lot of very personal things on AfterEllen. I’ve written things people didn’t agree with. I’ve written reviews of work created by peers that they didn’t necessarily love. I’ve written about being married and then not. I’ve published interviews that were painful to get through and worse to relive during the transcribing and writing process. But nothing has been as difficult as what I’ve had to write today.

After 14 years, AfterEllen as we know it will be effectively shutting down as of Friday.

Here are the facts: Evolve Media purchased AfterEllen from Viacom two years ago. They gave us two fiscal years to become their LGBT property and profit in that space, and they found we are not as profitable as moms and fashion. And, yes, “they” are mainly white heterosexual men, which is important to note because not only is this the story for us, but for a lot of other properties—large-scale media outlets, lesbian bars out-priced by neighborhoods they helped establish, housing in queer meccas like Portland that is being turned into condos and AirBNBs.

At the very same time, queer women and culture is being celebrated on the Emmys, in the legalization of both mothers being included on their newborn’s birth certificate, and our namesake, Ellen DeGeneres, being one of the most well-known, well-liked and undeniably profitable television and lifestyle personalities of our generation.

Somewhere, there’s a disconnect. AfterEllen is just one of the homes lesbian, bisexual and queer women will have lost in the last decade. It was a refuge, a community, a virtual church for so many. I’m not sure that some people outside of us can really ever understand that.

Evolve has decided to keep the site and its archives alive for now, with a promise of periodically publishing freelance pieces in the future. I am not sure what that will look like, as Friday is also my last day, after 10 years of contributing writing and eventually coming on to work full time as a blog editor, then managing editor, and, for the last two years, as Editor in Chief. I feel so grateful and so, so lucky to have been a representative for lesbian and bi women for a decade. I often joke that I’m the one asking “the lesbian questions” in a room full of journalists or reporters or critics that aren’t looking for the answers that I am, that we as a community deserve. And even though mainstream visibility has grown and larger publications have verticals now where they focus some of their attentions on LGBTs, AfterEllen was still the one place completely dedicated to queer women in media, entertainment, pop culture and our depictions therein. We are frequently cited, linked to, asked for comment and utilized as a resource for those who find us to be the only place that has, for so long, been the authority on ourselves.

I’ve had such incredible mentors and colleagues at AfterEllen since the beginning. Sarah Warn, the creator of this site who saw a need and met it and inspired thousands of women to feel like they deserve property visibility and representation, and should demand it. Karman Kregloe, who worked tirelessly after Sarah left to ensure the mission of the site remained despite the changes in the media landscape and shifts of LGBT issues and acceptance in the world at large. I am indebted to them both for their establishing of somewhere that I know I’m nowhere near alone in feeling was a safe space, long before I even began contributing to the site. Working for a year with Dana Piccoli as Staff Editor was also a dream and the site was made better by her contributions.

Since 2002, AfterEllen has published the work of queer luminaries and tastemakers like Kate McKinnon, Jane Lynch, Jack Halberstam, Linda Villarosa, Angela Robinson, Ariel Schrag, Nicole Georges, Lux Alptraum, Liz Feldman and Jenni Olson. We’ve interviewed everyone from community figures to A-list stars, writers, directors, producers, actors, novelists, poets, activists, doctors, scientists, professors, creators, artists, gurus of all kinds who had something to say about lesbian culture. AfterEllen gave them the place not just to say it, but to have a conversation directly with the readers; the community.

I’m overcome with loss, but not just for me, for my community. For every single woman who has ever come up to me, tweeted us, sent us an email or a Facebook message or written a blog post about how much AfterEllen has meant to them at some point in their life, I am grieving this with you. We had so much ahead of us—more than ever before—and I’m sorry there won’t be an opportunity for us to do that work together.

I want to thank the writers for every second of themselves they’ve poured into not only the time and space it takes to write about things so inherently personal, but the passion they’ve done it with. I encourage any single one of you who have any capacity to hire them to do so. I will vouch for any of their talents while quietly mourning the fact I am no longer able to work alongside them.

To the readers: You have been faithful, challenging, enlightening, accepting, educational, entertaining and at times forgiving. You have been the best readership an editor could dream of and any other site would be lucky to have you.

So what now? I can only hope that Evolve will continue to keep the site alive for the AE archives as promised for as long as the internet exists. There are so many stories that only exist on our site that could never be replicated elsewhere; the hard work and voices of so many queer women. As for me, I’ve been working on a novel for the past three years I’m hoping to find a publisher for as well as non-fiction book that is very closely related to the kinds of things you’d find on AfterEllen. I’ve also started to dip my toe into television writing and will continue my advocacy for LGBTs and women, no matter where I end up next.

I will miss waking up every day to provide you with the Morning Brew, and editing the work of brilliant writers who never lacked in ideas and opinions and enthusiasm. I will miss the daily discussions about topics and issues so vital to our existence. I will miss being synonymous with a site that has been so much of my free time and personal life for almost 10 years because now I’m going to find out what I am without it, and you will, too.

The last thing I will leave you with is that we need to support one another, because support from anywhere else is not guaranteed. Support queer women, women of color, trans women—give other deserving women your money, your eyeballs, your attention. Donate to their Kickstarters, visit their websites, advertise in their pages, buy their albums, go see their films in theaters, purchase their novels, frequent their businesses.

Queer women are worthy. We are worthy.

I am sorry they would not let me post this on AfterEllen and hope that everyone who needs to find this explanation will.

Yours in solidarity,

Trish Bendix

@trishbendix

[email protected]

trishbendix.com

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harhar91 · 8 years

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yo since jason wants The 100 to be like GoT, he should go to ClecaCon to make the walk of atonement.

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harhar91 · 8 years

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Mah fav pple in one😂👀😍 credits to who made this

#OOMG

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harhar91 · 8 years

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The last two days I’ve considering splurging and buying myself a VIP ticket to Clexacon I’ve had the worse 3 months of my life.. When that god awful episode of the 100 aired I was crying my eyes out bawling.. Dude my sis n law even has pictures.. I grieved her for weeks.. And then on April 11 I got a call from my mom I was actually about to watch the premiere of FTWD she was calling to inform me that my dad unexpectedly passed away due to a heart attack.. He was only 45... They were actually of vacation. I honestly haven’t looked forward to the future lately or anything. I wake up and I’m like okay.. Then it’s like I hear of the con that just seems incredible.. The fact that Gabrielle and Mandy just agreed to be there!! I remember actually being a young baby gay watch SON with him and being scared to fangirl too much.. All those adorable Spashley moments. I just now got caught up on Wynonna Earp because it’s a show I know he’d love.. So I have a really hard time setting down and watching it.. I have to pace myself, because after every episode, I just wanna call him and get his thoughts. Just like Lost Girl. My dad was one of the most loving and supportive guys out there. Never once would get annoyed with me rambling and going on about something. And so this con means so much to me and I just really wanna go.. And if the last couple of months taught me anything it’s life is to short and you just need to live everyday like it’s your last. Tell the ones you love them. And hell spend the money go to con, we can live on ramen for a couple of weeks.. I seriously think I need this.. The fact Heather Hogan is going to be there... Rin... Idk the list goes on and honestly just getting the opportunity to meet HH has me just as excited as the actresses that will be there.. So IDK sorry guys for the rant but I thought maybe writing would help me make up my mind..

#personal #ClexaCon #Spashley #WayHaught #KatherineBarrell #GabrielleChristian #MandyMusgrave

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harhar91 · 8 years

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I have so many thoughts on when Root and Shaw see each other again!1

I mean obviously Samaritan fucked her up pretty good! But you can also see in her face like Oh My God is that really her, and almost looks like Shaw has tears to like shes trying to fight against whatever is telling her to kill Root.

I think Root is just gonna be like “Your going to have to shoot me because theres no way I could ever hurt the woman I love, not now that I found you” and I think Shaw will have memories come back or hestitate for a second and John will knock her out and they will take her back to the sub station.

Cause I mean you really think John would let something happen to Root they have gotten pretty close even when Finch told John to leave Root be he was like nope no way. I mean of course he loves Shaw to but Root is like his annoying little sister and hes not going to let Shaw hurt her No WAY!!

I think Shaw maybe forgot some memories and I think shes gonna remember kissing Root and the way she feels about her. And I think shaw is gonna get mad and be like I hate that you make me feel this way and then they make love because it looks likes root and shaw having angry sex in season promo.

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harhar91 · 8 years

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Imagine Elyza waking up in the middle of the night to the quiet sniffling of Alicia in the next room.

Elyza shivers and curls up under her blankets. She’s almost fallen back asleep when a faint noise reaches her ears. With a slight shock she realizes it’s the sound of muffled sobs and that its coming from Alicia’s room across the hall. Elyza lies on her make shift bed staring at the doorway across the hall where she imagines Alicia is alone and possibly hugging herself as she cries into the empty room. She contemplates crossing the hall and sneaking into Alicia’s bed to comfort her, but she knows that is out of the question. Maybe in another life she thinks.

“Oh, fuck it” She mutters as she extricates herself from the mess of blankets she had been sleeping in. She grabs her leather jacket and slips quietly out of the room. She pauses in the hall to stare at the partly closed door separating her from Alicia. Knowing she has to do something, Elyza tiptoes down the hall into the dark and empty house.

Elyza makes her way quietly through the house looking for something that may give her an excuse to knock on Alicia’s door.. She walks into a room that may have once been the library. Broken shelves lay in splinters across the floor with books scattered everywhere pages ripped and strewn across the table and armchairs. For a fleeting moment Elyza imagined herself taking a book back to the room and presenting it to Alicia. ‘Sorry you can’t sleep, wanna read a Stephen King novel with me?’ Yeah that would work really well.

Elyza rolls her eyes and turns to leave the room when her toe catches on something and she’s forced to cling the back of an armchair to keep from falling.

“Ow!” she hisses into the darkness rubbing her aching toe and glares angrily down searching for the culprit. She spots a small box on the floor and kicks it aside in vengeance. A muffled rattle sounds from within, stopping her in her tracks. She knows that sound. Elyza bends down and picks up the offending box giving it a shake, a satisfying rattle coming from within. A puzzle! She excitedly picks her way across the room to the window. In the light of the moon she examines the box. The cover is tattered and one corner of the box is sunken in, but it looked fairly intact and unopened. She squints at the picture on the front. It looks like a still of a coral reef, a school of colorful fish swim across the bottom while a majority of the focus seems to be on a great purple tentacle thing. It’s not Elyzas ideal puzzle but she tucks it under her arm and continues through the house.

She finds a few candles and a set of matches in a kitchen drawer and hits the jackpot with a big bag of mini snickers in the closet. Satisfied with herself she makes her way up the stairs to Alicia’s room.

Elyza pauses outside the doorway. She’s not sure how to enter… she’s stands there her arm raised and her knuckles resting against the door frame. She takes a slow steady breath and knocks gently.

Alicia sniffs and takes a moment before she calls out

“Elyza?”

It’s now or never, Elyza swallows and calls outt.

“Hey, yeah it’s just me. I uh… I couldn’t sleep. Can I come in?"

"Yeah, of course” comes Alicia’s soft reply.

Elyza enters the room and looks around. Alicia is sitting up in bed the covers wrapped around her shoulders and a beam of light illuminating her hair falling in soft curls down the side of her shoulder.

“Hey” The word falls soft and gentle from Elyza’s lips.

“Hey” Alicia whispers back.

Elyza crosses the room to the window, she reaches her free hand up to the curtains and turns to where Alicia is watching her from the bed.

“Do you mind if I…?” She asks gesturing to window

“No go ahead” Alicia responds as she reaches up and brushes her hand under her eyes wiping away the last of her tears.

Elyza pulls away the tatters curtains covering the window allowing the moonlight to spill into the room chasing away the dark.

“That’s better” she smiles back at Alicia and moves to join her on the bed.

"I found some stuff around the house" Elyza says smugly as she shakes the puzzle box and drops the bag of candies on Alicia’s lap. Alicia lets out a soft giggle. The sound resonates in Elyzas chest causing a cascade of butterflies to flutter throughout her stomach.

“A puzzle, really?” Alicia asks in mock judgment.

“If you’re too cool for a puzzle and chocolate, I’m not sure we can be friends” Elyza holds the puzzle to her chest pretending to be offended.

Alicia smiles and reaches for the puzzle.

“Gimme” she says.

Elyza raises an eyebrow still clutching the box to her chest, until Alicia gives her an exasperated sigh.

“Fine” Elyza concedes.

“I got these too” She continues striking a match and lighting a few candles before setting them on plates before them.

“Hmm… a puzzle, chocolates, and candles…” Alicia says her voice low. “Just what kind of girl do you take me for Elyza?”

Elyzas breath catches in her chest and her face burns despite the cold draft of the house.

“I-I wasn’t tryint to- I mean I was just-“ She sputters.

Alicia lets out a laugh, a beautiful sound that fills the room and eases the weight of her sadness before. She leans into Elyza and says.

“Hey, Its ok.” Alicia places the puzzle on the bed before them and lifts a candle to check out the picture.

Not knowing how to respond Elyza changes the subject.

“I have no idea what it is but I thought we could maybe put it together… together”

She watches as Alicia hunches over and places her hand on the cover and gently brushes her fingers over the large shape on the front.

“A giant squid” She whispers. “It’s perfect”

Alicia sits up looking Elyza in the eyes before placing a soft warm kiss on her lips then burying her face into Elyza’s neck and muffling softly into her skin.

“Thank you.”

Couldn’t get this out of my head.

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harhar91 · 8 years

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I am sorry.

In some way I feel responsible. Like, I was so sure. I was so sure they wouldn’t kill Lexa this season.

I was definitely sure that if she was to die, if she had to die, it would be in a finale kind of way. It would be a battle, it would be screams, it would be her fighting, fighting for her people, for peace, for love, for Clarke.

It would be Lexa fighting.

That’s the only way a Commander should die. It’s the only way Lexa should die.

Not like this.

Not some random act of violence.

Not in a way that is meaningless, without purpose…without strength.

Because if it turns out that Lexa’s death was the way they wanted to push the story on, to reveal the Commander’s Spirit as being the AI.

Then that is not a good enough reason.

Sometimes there is no other way. Sometimes characters have to die. Sometimes I absolutely love it when a character I love dies because I can see the reasoning, I can see that they had to, I can see that there was no other way. That a character gets the death they deserve. And it’s moving. Fuck, it’s moving. It’s beautiful and purposeful and what TV is meant to do. Give some sense to things that don’t make sense in our stupid world.

I will always applaud a good death. A necessary death. A death that shows the show being brave, being bold, pushing the boundaries.

Lexa’s death is none of that.

It was lazy.

It didn’t try. It didn’t try and give Lexa what she deserved. Because there is a difference between what a character deserves in the sense of justice and morals in the world of the show, and what kind of treatment a character deserves beyond the show.

I’m talking about the latter here. Lexa deserves more than a random death to “progress the story” if that is even the intention.

Because just talking with friends about this episode, we already came up with other ways this could have easily gone a different way to get the same desired outcome. One way, and it shatters me to even think about because it is something that we’ll never get and it would have been heartbreaking and beautiful and offered a world more of story, would have been if Lexa had the Commander’s Spirit taken from her against her will. If Pike or other Grounder clans who stood against Lexa, if they had gotten a hold of Lexa, held her down and cut it out of her for their own gain. If they wanted the power of the Commander, and just took it from her, just like that.

It would have been extremely violating and heartbreaking.

It would break Lexa, it would be taking away her sense of identity, her very sense of purpose. In a way it would be taking her life.

And then that gives a reasonable way for Lexa to leave. To go to maybe, a sacred place, to seek guidance, to find herself again. We know Alycia couldn’t be in every episode, we know she has other commitments and schedules conflicted, whatever. I feel like this would be a plausible way to give her that relief, but not have to end everything. They could have put her in a fucking coma and found it necessary to cut out the AI and find a new Commander. There are a lot of things they could have done.

That’s why it was lazy. That’s why Lexa deserved better.

And still.

And still I have hope.

Look. Okay. I’m not a fool. I’m not naive. I’m not just in complete denial.

I just have to believe.

I have to believe that Clexa are more than this. Are more than just a story, more than another number to add to the pile. Because I won’t dismiss them. I won’t.

I won’t say they have fallen victim to yet another team of writers who just don’t get it. That the same people could create Clarke and Lexa, everything that they came to mean to each other, to us… I refuse to believe it was a fluke. That these same people could honestly be, that dumb.

Because it is dumb. It is dumb on every single level. For the story, for the characters, for the fact that you’re a television show that needs an audience. A show that is trying to get a 4th season? It really doesn’t make any sense. None. No one will enjoy it. No respectable fan anyway. No fan would see this happening and think ‘Great move!’ ‘Great storytelling!’ ‘Wow! The 100!’ Because it isn’t great storytelling. And these writers are no longer credible.

They don’t care like I thought they did.

They don’t understand what Lexa meant. What she represented.

And I can’t believe that.

So I continue to hope.

It would be easy to say I’m done. It would hurt less. It would make everything simpler. To say, oh well, guess that’s that.

But I can’t reconcile that within myself. I can’t because I owe Lexa that much. I will not give up on her. I will at least see this season through.

Clarke and Lexa aren’t just a relationship on a TV show. They’re not just something that fell into our laps. They didn’t create them to ‘see where this went’, or for any sort of fan pandering, they created them for a reason. They are the embodiment of hope themselves. They are the light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

Because that’s what they were fighting for. Wasn’t it?

That maybe after all of this, that after everything they’ve lost, after all the fighting and all the sacrifice… that in the end it was worth it. It was worth it because they have each other. That love was their strength, love was what got them through it all, that love is the only thing that saves.

Clarke and Lexa being who they are, starting on different warring sides, coming together, finding comfort in one another, recognising themselves in each other, finding someone who finally understands – when everything else is coming down around them. They still found each other.

One fell from the sky, one rose from the ground.

I refuse to believe that this is how it ends. They are more than that, and meant everything to so many people. So many people that just want to stop feeling like no one cares. That their feelings could be so easily disregarded.

And I don’t know if I could ever make it feel better. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel okay about it. I don’t.

But I want to say that your feelings are valid, whatever they may be. But please try to stay away from the dark. Try not to say things you’ll regret, try not to be hurtful. Try to show them that Clarke and Lexa didn’t teach us to be cruel. Clarke and Lexa are not ugly, and we shouldn’t be.

They are beautiful. They are so beautiful. And that is something that is yours. That they could never take away from you, try as they might. You could watch this show with other people, you could watch it alone, you could talk all day and night about it with other people, but ultimately it is how Lexa, and Clarke and Lexa, affected you that matters. How much you loved them.

Don’t let that joy get tarnished.

Celebrate it.

Prove them wrong.

Lexa matters. Clarke and Lexa matters. They will always matter.

I believed they were different. I tried to get everyone else to believe they were different… and I am sorry if they don’t turn out to be in that respect. But I still believe they are. That the end point can’t even come close to overshadowing everything that they are.

Even if at the end of it all, I have to say goodbye. That she really is dead. That she may only ever exist again as a memory. Even if I feel that sense of finality that I am so afraid of feeling…

I won’t stop believing.

I will not stop hoping.

That is what Clarke and Lexa mean to me.

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harhar91 · 9 years

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harhar91 · 9 years

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harhar91 · 9 years

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harhar91 · 10 years

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Big Announcement!

Books! And cleverness! There are more important things – friendship and bravery!

Friends and family and cats who are reading over your owners’ shoulders,

I am so excited that I finally get to share some awesome, awesome news with you. I have accepted a senior editor position at Autostraddle, the largest independently owned queer/feminist website on this whole big internet!

Six and a half years ago, AfterEllen founder and former Editor in Chief Sarah Warn plucked me out of the comments section of a Hot 100 article and asked if I’d be into writing a couple of posts a week. I was working in a tiny cube counting numbers, too afraid to even post in The L Word forums, even though my main dream in life was to become a writer. Now, I’ve written over a million (no, for real!) words for AfterEllen and interviewed every one of the actors I used to fawn over from The L Word and made a full-time career out of writing and editing.

But, most importantly of all, over the last six and a half years, I’ve gotten to meet you. You have invited me into your lives week after week, year after year, and laughed with me and cried with me and raged with me and made one hundred million inside jokes with me. People often say writing on the internet is a thankless job, but I’ve found that to be the opposite of true. Yeah, you have to work 100 hours a week to make enough money to buy peanut butter. And no, you never get to sleep. But no matter how tired or penniless I have been over the years, y’all have kept me going, because every time I cracked myself open to share more of my story with you, you just opened yourselves up and gave me your stories too.

You have fueled me with your kindness, cushioned me with your encouragement, made me snort orange juice out of my nose more times than I care to admit, and literally saved my dog’s life.

Together, we have created something real and rare. Like #BooRadleyVanCullen, for example! That’s all us, man! That’s me and you meeting up every week to laugh and swoon a freak out and talk to TV writers in a language we created together!