hello-w0nderful

[hello-w0nderful]

You askwd me ti be your girlfirned. I asked if uu were drunk. I asked if you werre serious. And you questioned me I had doubts about you.

[hello-w0nderful]

i’m not the richest person in the world. hell, i can’t even be considered rich. but i live with the luxury of not having to worry about where to get my next meal or having to wake up at a certain time of day. i am privileged enough to be comfortable without having to fight for my rights because i know that somehow i will be able to cope.

but despite the material stability that i possess, sadly, i do not have the emotional strength to deal with every thing that goes on around me. i know even my own parents find it incredulous that i don’t have a sense of responsibility even at twenty. that even at 3rd year in university, there is hardly anything that i am capable of doing to ensure my life after i move out. or if i will even move out. and on top of all these, there is also a lingering urge to prove myself. even when there is nothing to prove.

i have been sheltered my whole life. i never went out of the house without a driver, never went anywhere without a chaperone. i never had to cross the streets on my own. never had the need to fend for myself. i grew up with protective parents who swear to support me in everything i would want to do. yet there is so little of the world that i have seen to be certain of where i want to be and what i want to do. even at 20, i am still lost. i don’t trust myself to make decisions that would bear permanent results.

i remember during my 17th birthday. i had a best friend who i rely on for consistence and stability in my life. i think i owe being able to go through most of the tormenting nights because of him. i held on to him tightly as though he is my lifeline because in a way... for a time... he really was. my dad told me the story about holding a bird too tight and they’ll die, too loose and they’ll fly, but if you hold them right with care, they’ll stay for life. my best friend -- he’s not in my life anymore. we figured out along the way that we were only bound by circumstance and that things don’t really work anymore. but tonight i am reminded that maybe i am like that bird, too.

i have been coddled for so long, too tightly. today marks the date that surpasses how long i’ve stayed in our house in the past eight years. and whenever i stare at the walls of my room i remember all the nights i spent breaking down because i feel suffocated. i am slowly burning out. i’ve been questioning every thing in my life. i was diagnosed with depression a few years ago and even now more than the pain of bearing the disorder, i carry the guilt of even having it because... my circumstances in life provide that i should be content. i have everything i need in order to be happy. but i just am not. and why. i don’t know.

the thoughts i’ve buried years ago slowly come to me again and each piece hits me like a truck. because i should be okay. even my parents would find it ridiculous that i am not. the only solace i have found out of it is through online communities, fictions. messages between other people that tell them it’s okay. friends who check on each other. and reading their words make me feel better. but after that, it feels like shit again because i don’t receive that kind of support. the one that doesn’t have need to understand but still empathizes. 

i have found a friend who i think is lonely. the way i found my best friend before. and i am scared of trusting them again. because i’m going to ruin myself. and i’m going to break them, too. and it feels bad because i don’t care for others the way i did or love others the way i did. i know i’ll end up using anyone who will fall into the trap of my loneliness. 

i’m so so so sorry. i lose my grip every time and it only only ever gets harder to hold on.

[hello-w0nderful]

hey. it’s 3am and i’m a sobbing mess. i just finished reading an ao3 fic and stab me if i’d say it didn’t remind me so much of us minus the dying part and the romantic undertones.

it made me realize how long we’ve spent together as best friends. we met when i was 12 and you were 13, and i don’t know when it became consensus but it had just been a universally accepted fact that we _are _best friends. or maybe it’s one of the things that i’ve pushed too far in the back of my mind and won’t probably remember unless you let me borrow your memory to replace what i have displaced. anyway. that. we’re 20 and 21 now... and it just made me realize that excluding our years of infancy, we’ve been best friends for half of our lives already. wow. and if we live longer, we’d even outlive being best friends of half lives. like. that’s a huge thing. 

but... it made me realize how despite we’re always there for each other, i’ve never really crumbled in front of you. and in all honesty... i don’t think i ever want you to see me like that. one thing i could tell you though is that even when the waters are murky, if you need saving and are in another island, i would without a mind swim right across the ocean for you.

i want to confess though... i am afraid. we have so many dreams together. and i’m afraid that i can’t do all those things we want to do because i tend to be at times selfish and stupid. i don’t want to say it in any more detail because i think you’d already know where i’m getting at.

and sometimes you know i would wish in some fucked up nights that you would miss me when i’m gone and though i want you not to be left with a gaping hole in your chest i still indulge myself with hoping that even though there’s no one else left in my fucked up life at least you would grieve at my stupid attempt at being significant even just for some few days. and i would comfort myself by whatever it is that i would imagine you would say in a eulogy. 

i’m so sorry for thinking about it. i know you’re strong anyway. you have a lot of friends. a loving boyfriend. a great family. and a lot of work to busy yourself with. so like, i think you’d be okay if ever. please please be okay.

but really... more than the fear of dying before we get there, i am afraid that i’d be around and not get there. i don’t know until when i will have this freedom of just dwelling on my thoughts, or just waiting for you or anyone else to need me, and i would not have to worry about surviving the following day. 

i just don’t think i’d be as competent as you. or as driven as you. because sometimes on top of my incompetence, i also cower more because of this stupid disorder that decided to live in my head. 

and i really really want to tell you that it hurts. more metaphorically than physically. but it hurts. and i wish there was something i could do about it. 

oh god. how did this one turn so sad.

i should be praising you. thanking you. appreciating you. here.

but.... it’s not like you will ever read this anyway. so i guess it’s fine to bare my heart out.

i don’t know how things will turn out soon. with the world in shambles in all aspects. with my headspace in dark places. 

but i just want you to know that i hope and i pray that you could be strong through all of this and of what else there is to come.

love always, m

#letters