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As another East Coaster, agreed.

A Good Old-Fashioned Midwestern Apocalypse

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Terrible Character Ideas:

A monk based on a European Christian archetype. They have sworn a sacred oath to defeat the giant snail plaguing the countryside.

A dragonborn desperately trying to convince the party that they’re really an aarakocra with a skin condition that made their feathers fall out.

Your standard horny bard, but they play a washboard. 

A sentient hat piloting a mannequin.

A dark elf who’s afraid of the dark, and terrified of spiders.

A peasant farmer who joined the adventure because they’re going through a midlife crisis and want to ~find themself.~

A druid who got involved because they’re the party’s weed dealer.

A werewolf who doesn’t believe in the moon.

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The Death of Stalin [2017] Sentence Starters

“Sit down! do not defy me!” “Don’t worry, nobody’s going to get killed,” “I can’t remember who’s alive and who isn’t,” “I miss the Tsar!” “Goodbye, my friend,” “It would be simpler and cheaper if they just drove straight into the river,” “Should we investigate?” “Should you shut the fuck up before you get us both killed?” “Each name you give me is one less bit of you I’ll cut off,” “Grenade, funny, tomato, pocket, funny, horse, slippers, question mark,” “Get my trousers!” “Remain at your stations,” “I think (he’s/she’s/they’re) saying get me a doctor now,” “The room is only seventy-five per cent conscious!” “Are you wearing pyjamas?” “I said you’d be tested, now you’re being tested by a shouty man wearing pyjamas,” “It’s just me here, kneeling in the piss, yeah?” “Too much social climbing, I expect,” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “Fucking Abbot and Costello over there,” “I can’t shut that gabbling idiot up,” “How can you run and plot at the same time?” “There are bears in there,” “I want another opinion!” “You’re not even a person, you’re a testicle, and you are mostly made of hair!” “Don’t you ever, ever humiliate me again,” “I call this meeting to order,” “You’re being obstructionist,” “I can assure you all that I am perfectly capable of doing two things at once,” “You told me, last night, in the bathroom,” “Would you stop with this?” “I’m smiling, but I am very fucking furious,” “You never kiss my hand anymore,” “Did Coco Chanel take a shit on your head?” “A vile crime has been perpetrated!” “You will not take me down!” “Hands up, or I’ll shoot you in the fucking face,” “I’m going to enjoy peeling the skin from your self-satisfied face,” “I want it to go on record that this was not my first course of action,” “This is a travesty!” “I judge you, I judge all of you!” “You are accused of treason,” “Everyone happy?” “I will bury you in history, you hear me?” “You smell like a rendered horse, you burning asshole,” “This is how people get killed,” “Can you ever trust a weak man?”

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I will now proceed to make fun of people running in the 2020 election

https://ballotpedia.org/Presidential_candidates,_2020

Nevermind, post cancelled.

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sometimes i think no one could be sillier or make worse decisions than percival de rolo but then i remember all the ridiculous things done by actual arthurian knight perceval li gallois in various different versions of the story and just, here is a non-exhaustive list:

- forgot his own name

- found a damsel in distress and stole her ring. when asked she described him to her husband as ‘a strange-looking man’, which is an understatement given that he was wearing armour he made himself out of sticks.

- his unbelievably melodramatic response to a guy not wanting to sell him a horse:

- accidentally sold his soul to a demon in a dream. not to avenge the tragic deaths of his parents and his six brothers, or anything similarly heroic. this is the continuing saga of sir perceval trying to obtain a horse. this time he did technically succeed, but the horse the demon gave him was evil and tried to kill him. it took him a while of ‘this is probably fine and not something i need to give any thought to’ before he even noticed.

- was chosen to have the holy grail revealed to him due to the purity of his soul, which involved many extremely bizarre things happening in the court in front of him, and he was just like ‘… okay. anyway i’m going to bed’ (this broke the world for a while because he was supposed to ask.)

- promised his aunt he’d never have sex and did actually manage to keep that promise, but very nearly fucked the actual devil (this is specific to the grail cycle - in the welsh he does try to seduce a girl, but loses interest the moment she returns his affection. lots of women fall in love with him without him being interested or even necessarily noticing, though, which on one occasion results in him being made emperor of constantinople. he seems a bit confused by this, but not as confused as you’d expect, especially given that frankly he just seems a bit confused all the time.)

- found a wild lion, went ‘hey, my buddy yvain has a pet lion, so probably all lions are friendly’ and decided to cuddle it instead of fighting it (again, this is in the grail cycle. in the welsh ‘peredur’ he kills the lion, because it’s an aggressive wild animal and that is the sensible response.)

- got put in jail for being too attractive. kept escaping to go fight wicked knights, but returned and locked himself back up every time he did, because he’s a Man Of Honour.

- lost a game of chess even though he wasn’t even playing against anyone. threw a tantrum and chucked the board in a lake.

- went adventuring to avoid his responsibilities for ~seven years, leaving his sole surviving sister in charge of the castle he was supposed to be looking after, which resulted in her turning up at various points in different stories going ‘hey guys has anyone seen my useless fucking brother’ (but usually nicer - the welsh ‘ystorya seint greal’ gets points for her being super done with the whole thing and spending half the time criticising arthur so harshly that he starts crying)

- in ‘la queste del saint graal’ when she finally finds him we have this beautiful moment

everyone in arthurian romance is super bad at recognising each other but perceval consistently fails to recognise the surviving members of his family and has to be told who they are every single time. the one exception is ‘perlesvaux’, in which he is famous for constantly disguising himself to avoid his responsibilities. in reality this just means keeping his visor down and bearing different heraldry, but i like to imagine him with a fake moustache and doing a variety of accents.

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memeception

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memeception

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Trust no one, not even yourself.

sad story

friend did a crappy torrent of norton antivirus, the program successfully detected itself as a threat and deleted itself during a scan

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USS Alabama BB-60 on shakedown in the Atlantic, January 1943.

I would like to add that US battleships amid the snow and clear blue skies of the North Atlantic in winter is possibly one of the most powerful images ever.

#USS Alabama #BB-60 #shakedown #battleship #1943

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The triumph of the indomitable will of the human spirit

“Can You Beat Breath of the Wild Without Climbing?” exiting the tutorial cave

#Link #indomitable will #human spirit

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Happy belated 4th, America

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I’m writing notes so hard right now.

D&D adventure concept: it turns out that the Fairy Queen doesn’t actually do anything with the sparkles-in-your-eyes and memories-of-a-summer’s-day and other sundry intangibles and abstractions she’s been scamming mortals out of for the last few centuries.

Whatever she had planned for them didn’t pan out, but she never ordered her minions to stop collecting them; by the time it became clear that the project was a no-go, expectations had already been set, and when you’re the Queen of the Fairies you can’t very well admit to having a bad idea.

She’s just been discretely dumping them down a disused well for hundreds of years, and the resulting effluvium of spoiled virtue and rotten whimsy has begun to contaminate the drinking water of a human village downstream - which is where the player characters come in.

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“Not use collective punishment as it is not fair on the many people who did nothing and under the 1949 Geneva Conventions it is a war crime.”

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Concept: a D&D campaign that takes the game’s “most monsters are intelligent and capable of speech so that high-Charisma PCs can fast-talk them” conceit to its logical conclusion and turns every quest into a courtroom drama. Like, the local innkeeper wants those giant spiders chased out of her basement, but the spiders are claiming adverse possession on the basis that she hasn’t cleaned the place in literal decades, and now you’ve got to figure out how squatter’s rights apply to cave-dwelling arthropods.

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When i was like 13 was allowed to use the internet unrestricted for the first time and i spent a lot of time on Runescape. One of the people i talked to on there was this person who had much higher levels than me in every skill and had, to my perception, a seemingly overflowing amount of game resources. One day i was taking about wishing i could get gold ore to level my smithing and not having access to any and they like “here, you can have this gold that i have” and just gave me this big stack and i was like “i don’t even have anything to offer back”. They told me they didn’t need anything and just wanted to be nice. I said that they didn’t have to and what they told me honestly has stuck with me since, they said “life’s too short to spend it being mean to people” and like it’s such a simple thing to say but combined with their actions and the weight they bore to me at the time was hugely influential on my outlook on life and the way i treat others. I don’t know who that person is but they changed my life that day and I’m so thankful to them.

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*Insert scene of the Air-Cav bringing in a napalm strike from Apocalypse Now*