hollow-human

[hollow-human]

[hollow-human]

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[hollow-human]

I was born to be a lesson. Born to be a stepping stone. Born to be the one that prompted people to change.

I am the one that destroys everything she touches. Because I am the fire that will bleed you dry and leave you in the darkness. I will take everything you love away, I will destroy you to your very core. Because I am nothing but a lesson. A lesson of "do not ever be like this". Maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe my suffering doesn't matter, as long as people learn how to not be like me. People say I'm not a monster. That although I made mistakes, they do not hate me. They've forgiven me.

But no one would ever come back, no matter how much I love them. Because my love is destructive. Exhausting. Everything that it shouldn't be. The good in me fails to shine through and I leave the darkness show its teeth. I let anger burn brighter than my kindness ever did.

I'm disappointed. The little kid I was supposed to protect, the little kid I had to raise and keep alive is afraid of me. Little me does not know me. She does not like me. She does not want me. She is afraid. She can't believe we became the things we ran away from all my life. She can't understand what happened and to be honest, I don't either.

What happened is that I had to protect myself. And I took it so far and so deep that I forgot not everyone hates me. Not everyone is out to hurt me. Some people are. Some people will always be. That's just how they are. But I've built my walls so high that I've gone blind with fear. I can't distinguish who is good and who is bad anymore. Maybe I never could. Maybe what I have is not love, because love should not hurt. It should not leave scars.

I am the worst, most powerful lesson someone could meet. But I wish I was more than just a horrible thing to happen. I wish I was a kinder lesson. I wish I was a more beautiful lesson. The lesson that teaches you how to love, not how to hate. Not how to walk away. Not the lesson that breaks you. The lesson that builds you and teaches you to be good.

Despite all I've endured, in the end, I hate myself more than everyone ever did. My mother's rage can't touch me anymore, because I've done far worse to myself than she ever could. Her fists mean nothing against my blade. Her anger means nothing against my self-destruction. No words she has ever said could cut deeper than those I tell myself. There is no one else I should fear more than my own person.

I became a monster. And I shouldn't teach people any more lessons. I will cut my tongue before I ever lash out on anyone else again. I will cut my hands before I ever raise them against anyone else ever again.

Truth is, dying isn't something I deserve. I deserve to suffer more. Have I learnt nothing? Has all the abuse meant nothing? Why did I become my mother? Why did I let myself become a monster? How could I do this? I betrayed everyone else, but at the end of the day, I betrayed myself the most. I promised, no - I swore I will never be her. And yet every single time I speak, I hear her voice. Every time I look in the mirror, I see her face. And I know there is no forgiveness in my heart for what she did. So there is no forgiveness in my heart for me either.

The funny and kind little girl who just wanted to love and be loved? The little girl who wanted to protect people so they never know the pain she did? I destroyed her. And I don't think she's ever coming back either. I'm sorry I couldn't protect me from myself. I didn't know how deep it ran. I didn't know I could hate myself so much. If I knew, I would've left before hurting anyone else.

Stay away from me and people like me. We bring nothing but chaos. We are too far gone and we don't deserve good things. Little me does - but I killed her a long, long time ago. I no longer deserve anything. I don't think I can ever get my inner child to ever open up again, I think I broke her. I think I'm irreparable. Like a glass that has been broken too many times. You can put the pieces back together, but it will still leak.

There is a darkness in me that has been there at all times. I think I lost myself in it. I think it swallowed me whole. And although I see it now.. I don't think I'm coming back either. The next step for me is, as I know it so well, numbness. A numbness I can't get out if I refuse to. A numbness I don't want to get out of. I want to sink. Deeper. In darker holes. To be swallowed so deeply that when it's done with me, I am nothing. Hollow and empty. Bones that are kept together by a heart that beats, but no longer feels. I don't deserve happiness. I deserve to be empty for as long as I breathe.

[hollow-human]

I miss you so much that I'm choking on tears if I don't keep myself busy non-stop. I miss hearing your voice. I miss seeing you. I wish you'd reach out..

[hollow-human]

If you see this, just know.. I'm waiting. I miss you, come home.

[hollow-human]

that awkward moment you realize the only days you're doing "okay" are when you're dissociating all day

[hollow-human]

[hollow-human]

[hollow-human]

For once in my life, I'd like to be someone's first choice instead of their second option.

[hollow-human]

Imagine being loved and appreciated by somebody for who you are.

Can’t relate.

[hollow-human]

I hate my life. And my life hates me. Everything goes wrong, everything just sucks. And I can't and don't want to live like that anymore.

[hollow-human]

You know you're getting bad again when even sleep and music don't help and you feel sick all the time and you just want to disappear.

[hollow-human]

What's the point in talking anymore no one listens to me anyway 😕

[hollow-human]

Ranting 'cause I'm really sick and tired of this life right now.

All my life I've been in pain. From the moments of my childhood I can still remember to today. Every fucking day SOMETHING has to make my life hell. I'm tired. People really don't understand how badly your health can affect your depression. I don't just have a day of feeling bad. I'm always hurting. I feel like I'm a child stuck in a frail body of some 90 years-old grandma. My joints hurt so bad I lose sleep nights and nights again. Arthritis? Probably. Migraines are almost a daily occurrence. Not even gonna mention the nausea and burning throat from all the acid I get in my throat. Endometriosis pain? A regular thing now. Being able to sleep for 12 hours straight or having insomnia for weeks? Always a thing with no in-between. Gaining a shit ton of weight due to being hypothyroid and making everything above worse? Ya bet.

Combine these with the overall stress and having not even a day without being woken up, annoyed, upset. Crying my eyeballs out on the daily because I never get a quiet moment in my apartment. Never.

And now take into account the fucking BPD gifted to me by my parents and trauma. Always on the verge of a mental breakdown, always prone to hurting myself out of the absolute despair I feel daily. Always feeling like I will never get better. Always feeling like I should just end it.

I am so, so, so tired. People of my age are out there enjoying their lives at the beach, festivals, parties. I'm here mourning a life that was taken away from me way too fast. Wishing and praying I find a quick and easy way out. The peace I crave is one knot away and I have to fight with myself against every fucking thing to not put an end to it. I'm tired of having autoimmune and chronic diseases I am not responsible for. I did not do this to myself, the shitty genes in this dumb family did. I'm tired of suffering for something my parents did. To bring children into this world knowing how shitty the DNA in the family is and what diseases they have is top notch.

I wish for once I could have a normal fucking life. For one day to know how it feels to be healthy and not cry yourself to sleep because you are so very drained. "Everyone has the same 24 hours" no the fuck we don't. My shitty 24 hours are all painful as fuck, unlike most of my friends' who don't have anything like that. Imagine the fucking privilege to not understand how hard life is for someone who is being betrayed by their own body. Just imagine.

Imagine having to still give your all and try your best despite knowing you will never be okay. I will never recover. I will never live enough to grow old with someone. The pain will get too much and I will want out. And I will get out. But I don't know if that moment will come in 2 years, 5, 10. So I still have to play house, go to uni, work. I still have to pretend I am like everyone else. With all the pressure put on me to become something my body will never allow me to be. What a fun, lovely life.

#chronic illness #chronically ill #autoimmune

[hollow-human]

My mind is constantly bouncing between

Wanting to recover

Not being thin enough to have anything to recover from

Thinking recovery is failure

Wanting to be happy with my body the way it is

Wanting to be as thin as I can

Being terrified of the loose skin I’ll inevitably have when I’m finally thin

Wanting to give up because if I don’t look good even when I’m thin then what’s the point.

[hollow-human]

Dear diary...

As stupid as it sounds...

I really wish I was pretty.

Because I know I'm not.

[hollow-human]

i want to be thin.

i want my thighs to not touch when i place my feet together

i want to be able to compare myself to my friends without feeling so much bigger

i want to go out with my friends jumping, twisting and turning with thin thighs, a small stomach and thin arms

i want to be enviable, to be happy for my jawline to be so prominent

i want my friends to want to take photos of me without me begging to ask

i want to be loved without begging people to love me

and i will