horizons-zone

[horizons-zone]

I fucking hate myself. Pathetic, useless, weak, weak willed. A failure as a man. As a human being. I've been blessed with the girl if my dreams and I still disrespect and distrust. What's wrong with me. I need help. Please someone. Anyone. Help me. Please.

With sadness

Godspeed

Horizon

[horizons-zone]

As a young mixed african, I have many questions. One of the first questions bears question to who, or rather, what am I? Am i black? White? Lightskin black? Darkskin white? What are the rules??? People think I'm from a completely different place, country, etc etc. What tf am I? Its almost funny. Its very hard to come across people who are a mix of black and white. My younger brother is darker than me tho. Does that mean we're different? Is black? Who gets to say the N word? I grew up with the black half of my family saying it and my white half ... well wasn't ever really there. Who tf am I? If I'm so lightskin do white people think I'm black or what? Idk where to start or what to do. Seemingly I connect better to my black and African people. I'd like to say I'm black but really I'm mixed. I supposed it doesnt matter what colour I am in this world with whites and non-whites being the selective options.

Recently racism has only become more outspoken and present in the world... for the white people that is. Even as a mixed boy I know what racism is like. In South Africa I know what it looks like, what it feels like. It's almost like a stench or a taste. Racism. I like to think fo it as an acquired taste. Like molluscs or carrots or meats. Some people just love it and others despise the thought and some are frightened by seeing it. It comes in many shapes and colours, black, white, orange, brown, mixes, no colour at all. What's frightening most about racism is that it's similes as I've described previously is no different to murder, rape, drug dealing and overdoses. Many times does it merge infact. Like sauces to the acquired tastes. It just brings out whats considered flavour. Its sickening to think about it. Racism. Makes me wonder what an awesome and interesting place the world would be if middle aged white men and women weren't feeling the craze for colonisation. It would most definitely be a beautiful world, filled with loads of culture and developing.

don't misunderstand. I'm not saying all white people are racist. Infact, there are many i thank God for putting on my pathway of life as some of them have helped me through things that no person of colour was there for. What I am saying is the white people who decide to play the image of lynching a black or coloured person appealing or even joyful deserves exactly what's coming to them.

Recently I discovered a black movement call the NFAC. Finally. Someone to defend my people. Someone to be there when they shoot and wound my sisters and brothers. Someone who lays down their life to the cause so that young black and coloured people don't have to die anymore. Someone who deserves to have more power than any police cause at least they know the difference between a black man or woman and a target.

They want Texas state to have a safe haven for all black people in America. America give them that. You already owe them much more than the entire country is even worth what you to black people. America and you're confederate favourites and your 3% groups. Give my people what they at the very least want if not what they truly deserve.

NFAC, keep it up. Thank you for doing your best. God bless all of you. Thank you to all my friends family and my people, white or black or coloured, it doesnt matter. You have done your bit to make the world a better place. To those who dont believe it can be better unless the oppression of minority and coloured skins... all I can say is may God have mercy on your souls. We're all human. We all feel. Jesus was black. Accept it and move on.

Horizon.

[horizons-zone]

I feel like different people in one, angry, sad, depressed, hyped, meaningless and meaningful. There's so many different people inside me. I wonder why. It's really weird when your significant other tells you they love you and of course you reply i love you too but you're the meaningless and don't feel that emotion. Maybe you don't feel love. Maybe you try to but everyone just feels like... well unlovable. Obviously I love my sibling and parent and partner. But it's a weird feeling when you can't really feel what you say. Some moments happen where you can if only for a small moment. Anyway, goodnight or morning where you may be.

Horizon

[horizons-zone]

You ever lie in ur bed and just stare at the ceiling. In the dark. And if u stare long enough, u begin to see. I don't know what its like for other people, different moments in my life have seen it as different things, a dancing darkness. Once I saw it as my internal screaming for violence 'that the world deserves to feel'. Other times it was my shame and my internal needs for something better than what I am and what I have right now. Regardless of what I see now or back then or in the future it will always seemingly remain. That dark dancing shadow in my room. I know one day I won't be afraid but it's frightening. Baby steps and one day I will get there I'm sure.

Horizon

[horizons-zone]

I danced for the first time

in two months

I don’t wanna cry anymore

I wanna dance

Move my body, feel it alive

Let my feet stamp the aggression to the ground

My feelings are underground

I buried them yesterday

I can’t look at his face

I’m done 

ready to go

where tho?

Only the virus will know

[horizons-zone]

i’m concerned about boys with mental illnesses and eating disorders and abusive relationships and sexual assault survivor stories and self-harming tendencies who never get the attention or care or help they need because all of those things “don’t happen to men” or because “all men are horrible monsters” and i just wanna say if you’re a boy and you’re struggling with something hard, your gender doesn’t diminish or dismiss your struggles or make them any less significant or difficult and i love you and i’m here for you

[horizons-zone]

[horizons-zone]

none of this feels real

[horizons-zone]

Hi there,

This is my first ever blog. For a long time I've been holding in and bottling up my feelings and thoughts and wonders of the world and for a long time I did this as I first thought that they were just that. That seemingly feels selfish now as a friend pointed out I could be sharing this with the world, both good and bad and hopefully do something that allows humanity or at least the humanity in the people who read my posts to progress to new heights and awareness. To those of you who appreciate that, thank you and I hope I you find something in my words and teachings. To those who don't, I hope your soul is soothed even if its not by me. I hope people can feel like they're not alone and really we all truly are connected.

Thanks again,

Godspeed,

Horizon