howdoifeelaboutsex

[howdoifeelaboutsex]

I never wanted to say this, but queena touched her Moyer whilst she was sleeping. It was her parent, incesteojus feelings for them that she longer for: But why ? I think it was the only way she got attention ? Emotional attention. It was a traumatising living experience for her to go through as she got older. All she ever wanted was emotionally intimacy but all she ever had was sex.

[howdoifeelaboutsex]

I'm not even going go post it

OH MY GODI FINALLY HAVE TWO DAYS OFF I CAN GET DRUUUNNNKKKK Don't read I just feel so ANGRY and SPITEFUL about my ex getting to have all the sex she wants. But then again, I have to do my own way. But like , well I can't be sure she is having emotionally and romantic or even just "hot" sex... I don't know. I want her to be ashamed to The point of not being able to function!!!! I want her to hate herself inside so much that she has sex!!!!! I want her to wish she was dead!!!

#m8 #I averaged 10 drinks on a #night with 4am start #we'll see #where this #night goes FUXK STOP SPACING MY TAGS #cunt I'm kms #**cunt I am In #a really bad mood cos my greed and jealousy and sexual re

[howdoifeelaboutsex]

Let the magic begin~☆

(but seriously, can you imagine having an area like this???)

[howdoifeelaboutsex]

After reAding some things it makes me feel that I think she used a constant sexual fantasy and masturbation as a form of maintaining her emotional State and regulating against triggers. With also the oppeness ... well, she seemed to not write people off so quickly and she did seem quite a lot more empathic. I'm jealous of her, but what does it benefit me? Those relationships meant nothing to me. I'll always be grateful for them, but they only leave now feedings of torment and self hatrid and greed. But she can go and do all that. I've been with a guy once and I get how I feel sexual when we enter into a dynamic ... where I'm in control. With girls that can take the control too... it goes both ways. I really want to feel unified but ... I can't feel that Through other men. I don't think she felt love yet either. She disgusts me. I WANT TO HAVE ALL THAT SEX. she was able to stay present in that immediacy of others and not be fearful. I would like to attain that, but I cannot force it I cannot. I will find my own way.

[howdoifeelaboutsex]

Last night I was masturbating and breathing quite loudly. My housemates friend heard me. She told my housemate and she was like WELL EVERYONE DOES IT. which I just felt so good to hear, amongst the immense shame. I was trying to hard to be quiet, but also I wanted to enjoy myself and I wanted to push the boundaries to see what effect it would have. I continually put myself into shameful situations... I think in the hope that something good will come of it. In future I think I will be more quiet. I just don't quite know how to be quiet. Without compressing my whole breathing. She must have come out to the kitchen and heard me. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, just, ugh!!! Avoid everyone!!!! NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN, PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED AND THINGS WILL FEEL BETTER ERASING THAT MOMENT FROM HISTORY. But I also feel like, how to go forward? Maybe just accepting it and being like, ok... I guess you heard me enjoying it. And also trying to suppress my breathing but UGH!!! UHH I AM SO ASHAMED, I AM SO EMBARRASSD. I can think of ways out of it. But honestly, I want to move towards acceptance. And I fee I can move towards that acceptance and feel comfortable to just, enjoy myself sexually. I suddenly think of queena, dreadfully. Her sexuality had to be hidden whilst she was right next to her parents. So Her sexuality formed from that. Perhaps that's why she liked the idea of public sex. Also hidden sexuality in compromising situations. How did her parents not even masturbate? I get so turned on when I think of how she got to be sexual when she was so young, and experience all those taboos. I want to crush it, IF I DONT GET IT WHY DO YOU GET IT. I was completely restricted from having those sexual experiences. And I wanted them SO BADLY. I wanted to be that guy she seduced and let her have sex with her. Then again, I want these things, but I don't allow myself to act on them. Because I know it's going to get me into trouble. And I worry about an opportunity where I am given the circumstance to do so. I so would. I wonder about where her hypersexuality comes from. It is said the unlived life of the parents makes the biggest impact on the child. Perhaps... she was given that emptiness of sexuality and felt the need to fulfil it, in order to move forward and then further have healthy children. I get the feeling continually and again, that she will do the best for her and her children in her life. Although she does seemingly have to traverse the entire dark side of sexuality. And she liked it, yet she hated it. She just wanted to be normal, and not struggle with wanted sex in all forms, all genders. She tried to deny she was attracted to girls. I am still unsure of whether it was a power game thing, isn't sex about power? I guess so. That's the unintimate form of sex. But it's always blended. I used to churn with putrid rot inside when I thought of her going on to live her sexual life. As I saw no way forward, and I'm not sure I still do. I really don't know a way forward . I'm so scared to even say such a thing. I want sex so badly that I keep finding ways to jinx or play myself into thinking I'll just make myself be comfortable to go for it. But I'm not. I'm not comfortable to have sex. I start to dissociate. I repress, get paranoid. I get anxious, I get angry. I get so incredibly tense. And I hate it, too. I hate that I chokehold myself when I know I want it so badly. I hate that I choke my own sexuality. I don't know why I do it. I have theories. It could be that it was an adaption to not feel shame. It also further got worse when my mom always looks at me in grotesque sexual ways. It's just so disgusting. She'll come up to me and look straight and my penis with her lips like wet. Like she wants to just touch me. I recoil, I feel absolutely disgusting. She comes up in my fantasies sometimes and it just DISGUSTS ME. I do everything to have it back to how I like it. It's feels so intrusive. She disgusts me in all ways. She disgusts me. She touched my penis when she was putting this cream on. I think she knew I was hard. I didn't even know I was. I just pulled my pants down as she said, and noticed it. She put it right on the tip. Except she like tapped it. It's so disgusting. I didn't know whether I could hand done it myself until I saw her do it to Jamar. She says that it has to be done. Like she absolutely has to do it. She enjoys having me afraid to be in my own skin. Where I'm afraid constantly of people's fast movements. I try to recoil and live in a fake outer shell. Live somewhere inside, where the pain doesn't reach me. Where am I to go? I live with this constant fear, CONSTANT, that I am going to get hit, kicked, held down, suspended, without any possible way to defend myself ... whilst I get beaten .. and cry and scream for help. I don't know when I was first hit. I can hardly remember most of the memories. It's scary. When was I first hit? I remember being invalid, asking for anything was met with instant scolding, existing in that space was wrong, however it was ok to be non-existant. Saying no wasn't allowed. You weren't allowed to have your own feelings or values or opinions. I was never asked how I felt, I was never considered to have feelings. And if I did show feelings, any feeling which was sad, would mean that she would take me to psychologists over and over until I was forced to share the feelings under conditions which were complete lies about why I felt that way. I would be forced to lie about any abuse, and that my helplessness is wrong and my own fault and it is my fault that I feel that way. Naturally i, at all costs, avoided any expression of feeling. It was the one thing that kept me alive. Having my own genuine feelings. No one could take them from me. If I never let them out, I would be ok. I could share them with myself, and I wasn't so mean to myself then. I was pure and felt suffering as a new real thing to experience my way through. I had that. It was my own, it was real, it wasn't pain. It didn't hurt, or make me want to run away. I could stay with my own sadness. I wasn't allowed to feel sad around other people, especially in public, as it would most certainly lead to her being reported back to. And then I would suffer an investigation. I never learnt to share my feelings. I didn't think it was appropriate. It terrified me to think of what would happen ... if someone saw me cry. I would walk into school every day, I had completed the disgusting ritual of having to kiss her. I would be ok. Now I am free. And I am so sad. I am alone, in my own world. My bag is undone, but I liked it that way. I wanted to show the world, why does it matter if my bag is undone? It is ok, things don't fall out. I would wander sadly... into school, slowly repressing the sad feelings and getting ready to put on my happy face. It's the only place I wanted to show my fake happiness. I knew it would be the end of me to breakdown there. But I felt I could achieve things there. I never trusted anyone, I never knew what it might feel like to say,, I am really sad. I am really sad and I'm really afraid and I'm scared... I want to cry and bawl my eyes out into someone like A guidance counsellor. What if they listen to me? What if I can hug them? I just want to hug them. I'm really really sadscared. IM SCAREEED, HHHHHHH I AM SO SCARED I AM SCAAAAAAARRREEEDDDD I am scaaaaaaaaaaAAAASSRRRRESDDDDD I'm scared she'll leave me. But what if she listens to me? I do not know how to say what I am scared about HHHHHHUHHHHUHHHUHH IM JUST SCARED!!!! IM SCARED!!!!!!! What if she just listened to me, what if she was understanding that I didn't know why I was Scared, but that I was, and that I needed her so desperately. I am scared, but with you I feel better. I continue to be scared, but you bring me comfort. I'm scared all the time, I'm too scared to move. I'm too scared to look anywhere but at my feet. I'm scared to Open my eyes. I'm scared I'll flinch. I'm scared I'll try to put my hands in the way and have more hurt forced onto me for doing the wrong thing. I'm scared that I want to try and make it not hurt as much, if I try to make not hurt, I will get into trouble. I'm scared. I'm scared to turn around. I'm scared . Im really scared. I'm scared she'll hit me again. I'm scared. I'm scared to go to bed. I'm scared. I want to sink into the ground, underneath the house, live in the cold soil with the rocks. What wonderful things, these rocks. They are so beautiful. I am so glad I can spend all my time with these rocks, you know? They can be my friends. Down here no one can hit me. I wonder about the rocks, god I am just so happy. I HAVE ROCKS!!!! I HAVE ROCKS!!!!! I wonder what the rocks would like to do. How are the rocks feeling? I love the rocks so much i look at them like a mom sees her child for the first time. Every day I will wake up, and when I wake up, I will ask the rock, how are you today? He has his own bed, and I even made a little blanket for him. I carved some extra space out so he can sleep next to me. I like to curl up, too. It's like we're both rocks. I love him so much.

#how about wondering how I felt on the inside when I used to wear my hair over my eyes

[howdoifeelaboutsex]

My journal of exploring my feelings through sexual repression

#sex #sexual repression #sex repressed

[howdoifeelaboutsex]

Andrea posted about sex. I was following along quite comfortably as I didn't feel quite sexual with her. And she said that, she feels fears and ... hardens when sexuality is brought up with other people. For once I felt like I wasn't alone. She wrote her feelings, the sensations she feels... It's all how I feel, too. I get so afraid about sex. I was too afraid to even know my own feelings of fear and anxiety. Who can I find to open up to about that? I never knew that I was just ... afraid no one else world relate. I keep viewing this problem again from the most inner-gut internal view that I can, bringing forth the feelings in an non intellectualised manner. It feels that almost by standing on my sexual feelings I reach the height to my head. But once I feel myself as whole, I don't feel tight in the abdomen and paranoid in thought. Like a scared mouse (rat?) running in his cage. Some foreground I know intellectually, would not very much help. My mom has confirmed she shamed me out of my sexuality. That appears to perhaps be the root cause. Another example of this being, my sexuality felt quite freed when I found that I wasn't alone, and I immediately wanted to connect with her on it. I am getting quite a lot of stomach pulses out of fear, through feeling around on the subject. First, I am afraid of romantic intimacy, too. At least I think I am? I am afraid when a girl looks at me in an endearing and sexually inviting way. I am afraid to be emotionally vulnerable and I am afraid to be sexually vulnerable. I tighten and tense up. It seems the only way I manage to get out of this is to... not think about sex at all, find emotional comfort and intimacy in someone first (on the side of doing a hobby), and in the background the feelings can develop. This is one way forward that I know can work for me. And honestly, why not just enjoy my hobbies anyway? If fear of sexuality is a thing for me, I think it will still be something I develop through being with others in a healthy way. When I think about how to progress in this, I am so tempted to hark back to situations where I felt the I initiations and instead find out how I can FORCE the act. And I have done that, yet... I saw no other way forward except force (which I know I don't enjoy) ... until now. I see a bigger link between connecting me to my genuine intimate feelings and bringing that forth through sex. I suppose, although I want it now. I know that the way forward for me will to be emotionally becoming more available. And as I do that, which I am progressing on in life, I can focus inwardly about how I feel with sex in certain situations and with certain people. I wonder what my next feelings will be sexually when I interact with people I have not yet met.