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The Life of Meier 101
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5th of April, 2024
Dear diary,
I'm scared. I'm really stressed over everything and everyone around me seems so unbothered by my health problems while my anxiety tells me I might die.
It's the first time I use that word. I was too scared earlier. But now, I still feel scared but I guess I got a bit more accustomed with it. I have hope though.
I really want to have a cat one day, diary. And a garden with all the veggies and berries. I'm excited for that. I have hope.
It doesn't save everything though. I still feel alone in this, constantly alone with broken people around that tell me to stop taking my
my mum just called me.
I feel weird.
I think it'll be alright one day, no matter what happens. I just want it to be good, for anyone that needs good. their special type of good that is only suited for them. I want joy happen to people.
alright, I'm done
Love,
Jun
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26 march 2024
Dear dairy,
I want to disappear. I want to disappear from the face of this city, and live in the wild. Rummaging forrests, rivers and canyons, walking mountains, soily paths and gorges, laying in patches of grass in meadows full of flowers, kissing frogs and cows, taking care of berries.
I want to disappear from the face of this life, and I want to be a bird. Free and unaware of all the evil in the world. I want to be one with whirlwind, dance and travel and migrate to warm countries for the winter.
I want to disappear from the face of earth, and live in an imaginary world I created at 10. On lands and seas of a distant place, full of unique magic of sounds and smell of fresh thyme and tulips. Where I can make friends with mushrooms and study medic herbs and wander through cumulonimbus and taste pink leaves.
Dear diary, I want to be alive
Love,
Jun
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entering this type of tired when my body forgets I'm tired so ot crashes in random places
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Sunday, February 18 2024,
Dear diary,
Lately it's been hard for me to look at the future positively. I feel like I'm losing meaning I life.
I have always been this artistic soul that's been so so positive about future and had so much creativity and joy about the beauty of the world. But recently I find myself slipping away.
And what's worse it's all external factors. First ai bullshit, then family, now health. I feel so lost.
Now I can only hope, and it's already hard to do that. But I do try
to hope it's all going to be sorted out. As it should be. even if that means that I'm almost finished here, I lived a quite nice life, I walked mountains, I drove across borders, I hugged my friends, I played games with my siblings, I watched star wars with my dad. I made art. It's not a bad life after all.
It's going to be okay, diary.
Right?
love,
Jun
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I don't wanna go to my sports class and I don't wanna read a book I had to read for today and I don't wanna study for an exam tomorrow how do y'all do this shit I wrote two exams and I'm finished
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Saturday, January 27th, 2024
Dear Dairy,
I feel so weird recently.
This is becoming overrated how weird I'm feeling lately. I've been having some rough time in my house so that might be the big part of the reason why. But also I think it might have a bit of correlation with how I don't really know what I'm doing. I'm trying my best at these exams I'm having, well at least I try,, idk if my best. But on the other hand I don't know wth I'm doing in college. Like brother, I certainly don't believe I'll be having good working field after this, well maybe sometimes but most of the time im really confused. That might be also one of the reasons of this weird vibe...
Sometimes I feel like I should do something but don't know what. On one hand I should stay here but on the other hand I feel so damn weird here. I feel like it's all wrong, my life took a wrong turn, I'm not doing what I love. I feel like my time is running out but I'm in my early twenties. I rarely go out. I read books and fanfiction and watch series and that's most of the socialisation I do. I AM an introvert, I know that, but I yearn for something I know my body and mind couldn't bear in the long run. I felt so happy that past Thursday just because I was talking to my teammates on PE class. I finish that class next week and will probably never see them again, not all together. I mean that's good - I fucking hated that class. Why is my mind so split? it wants friends but when I do offer some type of contact with anyone it shuts down and my social battery is gone in span of maybe an hour. This is messed up and I don't know how to fix myself, I don't think even putting myself in rice would help.
Anyways... I should go to therapy probably. I don't want to end up as my mother. But that would require like doing a bunch of other shit since said person cut me out of their health insurance and im a college student. Maybe I should end it all? Well not all, I'd love to just go straight to the city near mountains, maybe live in some shared apartment, work at cafe, adopt a cat... I think that would be really good. Honestly what's stopping me? some stupid degree I don't even care about? why am I studying stuck on this bullshit when my future plans don't involve living till like 50.
That took a turn- well.
ok bye
~ Jun
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Sunday, January 21, 2024
Dear diary,
I'm really scared cus of my project I have to give in on Wednesday, i always hated being on freaking cameras and guess what it requires me to do. On top of that i haven't even started any of my assignments for later this week (and that was because I forgot) College is weird and scary but the scariest part are people, but that may be because im a bit asocial. Anyway, i hope the letter I wrote (and gift/package I made) for my bestie is alright, I'm stressy, i had to rewrite couple times cus I was being too sappy chees. I made her a little flower bouquet, it's from paper so it'll stay forever, although I hope someday I can give her real one - in person maybe. I wouldn't be mad if I could like teleport to Italy rn, or maybe Spain, preferably somewhere warmer near the sea and mountains and nature, I have a love/hate relationship with cities - no I actually hate cities. Especially my city, well one I study at rn. It's SO loud and so hard to travel by, like brother I'm just trying to ride a 14 minute journey but it's actually 1,5h cus of the jam, traffic and jam. I miss pb&j, i should buy some, wait I'll make a list:
pb,
jam(I think there's jam in the fridge tho)
spring onions,
garam masala spice,
canye peper cayen? cayn? I can't think about it rn,
omg get soy sauce so u can make tofu the one in the fridge went bad
Tommorrow I have to force myself and start studying, well not force, we both know I can't do that it's against the laws of physics. I wanna start this one fic tho, maybe I'll start it... ok I have an idea I'll start it AFTER I do my presentation and the interview thing ok? and maybe some studying even, that would be awesom bro I can do that and WATCH TEEN WOLF AHAHAHHA and I'll make myself a bowl of stir fry ramen with egg. Eggs are so weird, imagine you're like divine multiple dimensional abovebeing creating whole universe and then you create an egg? egg.
anyway,
kisses,
Jun xx
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I wanna eat something good and then fall asleep for two months till spring
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crazy how quickly my mood changes after having a discussion with myseld in my head
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all the greatest moments in my life are lived through in my head
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/vent
why am I so bad at life? literally all I do is not meaningful and I have no future with my abilities. There's no future for someone like me. I'm not good at anything that really matters
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today feels weird
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