idealspawn

[idealspawn]

also, yesterday i did an interview about nonreligious practices and thoughts. it is a very poorly researched field. the focus has largely been on negation, what nonreligious people dont believe but not what they do believe instead. it really opened my eyes. i love seeing patterns and analysing ideas. also my friend made me a candle fully from scratch... it smells so good:) he shaped it into a cat and it has glass marbles in it so when i burn it (i will not burn it... its too beautiful) i will get like an extra gift :DD aaah. ive just allowed playful energy into my life again too. i tend to turn too serious sometimes. i am fully sober still and i love it but sometimes i look back on the time i used to smoke weed all the time and tbh i should probably incorporate some sides of myself from that time into my reality now too, just without the smoking part.. because although i condemn it (in my personal choices), the cons outweigh the pros for me now, there is a lot i can learn about myself from that time too and that i should focus on now too. im in a good place right now. such a good place. i love creating. and i dont seem to yearn for romantic love anymore either. im open but ive had a problem with being single ever so often. life feels like bakhtin's carnival.

[idealspawn]

hey..... i must say. this has been the best week of my life. and im filled with utter joy. ive had like a.. rebirth? every once in a while i feel like im born again. the transition is really emotional but they are moreso growing pains than destructive pains. im suddenly surrounded by so many great people and possibilities and i finally feel like life is rewarding me, treating me the way i should be treated. in a way im reluctant to owe it to "faith" and see myself as a passive subject rather than an active agent in this but in a way i think i am powerless in some factors regarding this change. next month its my debut in like a culture (?) newspaper! at least they said they are very interested in my analysis but i havent heard back yet about the second version i sent them. i wrote my favourite poem ive ever written. and ive seen so many movies recently that have served as this transitional border. like as this extremely active sphere of both "death" but also birth. like metaphorically. ive been so vulnerable and i love it. ive cried my eyes out like i havent in such a long time and done like... meta analyses about my underlying beliefs to bring change and new energy into my life. you see.. i get really stuck on like.. nominal labels. at first they describe me but it tends to go unnoticed when it no longer fits or serves me and im only living a certain way just because of this nominal structure. but all these nominal structures are made for us. not that we are made to fit them. ive re-evaluated things now.. also out of nowhere people have been reaching out to me. maybe it truly does show up in my energy when im more open. like that it attracts other open, honest, vulnerable people. ive met so many new people and truly felt seen. this is a big thing for me. for the longest time ive struggled to enjoy time with people because ive struggled to find people who i share some kinds of values. i like diverse people but for example people who are open to explore communication on an emotional and relational level rather than only informational. thats important to me. ive been more confident in sharing my opinions too:) and participating in class and in life. going to places where i know id feel a bit uncomfortable and end up surprised. going to places alone is massive for me. it opens me up to new people and experiences because i simply dont have a choice to close myself off with friends im already close with. a woman came to talk to me after a lecture. she said she had been watching how i take notes in class (i write really fast.. i tend to transcribe literally everything the professor says). she said she has studied palaeography and asked to see my notes to analyse my handwriting :) she said its very unusual for people to still write in cursive if they write with the pen very much pointed upwards, however i manage to do so :D. it really made me want to also just reach out to people... like whenever and for whatever reason. and ive noticed people actually like talking to you when youre authentic and awkward. ive restricted my communication with people SO MUCH only due to the fact that i feel like i might not be insanely flawless in my self-expression. the nature too. the season is such that i see birth and death all around me. and its very refreshing. i like seeing change and being reminded of it constantly. it feels liberating. its a season that many people dislike in my country but im in love. i love people. i love physical touch. i love eye contact. i love emotions. i love ideas. i love agency in breaking boundaries. i love feeling seen and important and useful. i love authenticity and vulnerability.

[idealspawn]

throughout my journey on growing as a person somehow the only thing i still havent managed to resolve or find the deepest true cause for is my insecurity regarding my intelligence. every single evidence from outside authorities is screaming in praise and approval of my level of knowledge yet i am filled with such anxiety. i dont know how to not let my high standards lower my self-confidence. i think its good that i do have high standards too in a way but not the anxious perfectionism that comes with it. ive thought maybe im unsure about my competence because i feel like i dont belong. in university since ive had an unconventional route, i sort of lack like a group of coursemates (ive changed universities and now im in like an exchange programme so i havent had and dont have the same curriculum as anyone). so i dont know what i should know and what i shouldnt. like what prior knowledge others have. i dont know where i place in the context. i dont know what is stupid to bring up and what isnt. google also told me that maybe its like the dunning-kruger effect where the more you know the more you become painfully aware of how little you know. i guess thats true. i also in general am like programmed to seek for irregularities (i study philosophy and have a background of doing a lot of things requiring close analysis and pattern recognition) so maybe thats why i only see whats wrong in my work or opinions even if that actually forms a small portion regarding the whole. usually my professors dont even pick up on those things i think are massive logical fallacies and am afraid will fail. i literally only get praise and they are so so so credible too, its not that i get approval from people who dont know any better. i dont know. i have all these explanations in my head but not one of those hits the nail on the head. ive gathered that what relieves my anxiety regarding.. well anything.. is just acknowledgeing it. like cracking the code as to whats the underlying deeper cause that projects itself in this belief, insecurity. but i cant seem to ever get it. i wonder is this too small of a problem to go to a psychologist. right now its not too bad but i actually get like weird intense uncontrollable nervous anxiety twitches and breakdowns from the pure thought of how little i know and what others think of me. im most afraid that they think that i think im smart when in reality im so painfully aware that im speaking on matters i feel i dont have proper knowledge of (yet i must because its an assignment). though i think its pretty apparent that im insecure, at least during presentations or speaking in seminars because of the way i speak (hesitantly). i know that to wait until i truly know sth before i speak is a lost cause. you cant ever fully know anything. and its like. so what if im wrong. nothing happens if im wrong but im so terrified of it. i guess ive tied my intelligence to my identity quite a bit but i dont know if that is it either. i guess you could say i should care less abt what other ppl think but in other areas im so confident and sure of myself i dont know why this is manifest only here. i know im actually quite capable at least compared to some people and there are periods where i do get my feedback on an essay or task and i feel really sure of myself but its a very very small slice of the time. i know comparison isnt proper but its also so necessary and inevitable in my field of study, i cant seem to avoid it. ive genuinely resorted to paying a lot of attention to my looks and makeup that makes me look cute and kind in order to hopefully cause the halo effect that when im silent or say something stupid i get the benefit of the doubt.......... its stupid. but im that afraid :/ of coming across narrow-minded.

[idealspawn]

i dont understand why does everyone i love keep going back to people who have hurt them and see no problem with it. how they just accept being treated like shit and love them more for it. there are so many people who are going to love them and love them already who have no intention of hurting them whatsoever yet that is not enough. not only do they tolerate that hurt but they justify that behaviour? how dont they see that their mind is so massively distorted by putting the one that hurt them on such a high pedestal and only blaming themselves for everything? im sure that everyone has low points and hurting one another at one point in relationships is going to be inevitable to a degree but to PRAISE them for HURTING you intentionally.. i think its reasonable to forgive and reconnect but not to think that one deserved that kind of abuse in the first place... i too have love for people who have hurt me in the past and sometimes people grow so we do reconnect as two more mature people years later but that only comes after acknowledgeing the fact that neither of us was necessarily "right" in that situation. such thing as absolute black and white right or wrong doesnt exist in i'd say most cases. and i also dont seem to understand why does this keep happening to me that im in a very close relation to someone and they keep choosing the one that hurts them SO MUCH over me. that just isnt fair to them or me. the issue isnt necessarily that they dont choose ME but someone who treats them with respect. i just have a personal hurt with it too. ive worked so hard on myself and continue to do so and am so good at conflict situations and i havent lost my temper around people i love for such a long long long loong time now. i am SO careful to make sure i am loving and present and understanding and patient and somehow that still is less of a love than someone screaming at them. even if they did do something wrong i think rarely unless in extreme situations one should resort to aggression. i keep trying to show them and tell them that they shouldnt accept such treatment but it just hasnt changed anything. this has happened to me with multiple people in a row. im so tired of this. im tired of my friends not recognizing their own value. and im tired of not being valued. im tired that its not valued how much work and intention i put behind healthy relationships. im sure they had their reasons for being abusive but that doesnt excuse shit. i have more than enough ways how life has fucked me up but i choose not to hurt others because of it.

[idealspawn]

been feeling extremely neurodivergent recently. trigger warning i guess.. wanted to hurt myself but remembered that since i moved i dont have my blade w me here. how have i managed to reach the age 21 and still be so socially incompetent. i dont want to stand out i dont want to be different i dont want to be quirky anymore. my head wont shut up about how im on such a different page from everyone else. but it isnt something you can change or name. its just that Something is off. and idk if others can see it but i think they can because when i was younger thats how my highschool and middle school went. apparently ppl just thought i was weird for my mannerisms but never were able to actually specifically name the cause, like something that i acc Did. i started crying in the middle of the class after speaking up in a group discussion and i couldnt even calm myself down because of the setting. then i proceeded to cry in the bathroom between every lecture. and in my other lectures too today. i feel like an alien. i dont have a group for a group project bc i know noone in this class and i panicked and i didnt dare to ask anyone. i dont want to be the dragging link in the group project. they all know eachother and have studied this for 2 years but this isnt even my field of study. ive realized i have noone in my life that i can turn to for emotional support. i have friends but not people who can provide me support. i ended a 5 year long friendship because she made me feel even more alienated and my needs were unmet and she wasnt willing to even try meanwhile she knew i was therapizing her a lot and was willing to consider her triggers in the friendship. i met up for the first time w my internet friend. i think we are relatively close, i feel close to him. but i feel like i am burdening him a lot with my emotional shit bc i am overflowing and desperate to be seen and heard. i am trying so hard to be healed and have a secure attachment style and think like how a person w a secure attachment style would but my fearful avoidant tendencies have started to creep up on me regarding our friendship. i yearn for closeness and connection but i cant seem to get it. sometimes i dont allow it for myself because im so deep in my studies and so behind on work but other times i just am unable to receive it. i havent met my comfort person in a while (my friend i reconnected w this summer). we have crossed paths and hugged and talked for a short while but not long and i think it is driving me insane. i might see her this weekend.

[idealspawn]

im doing so well w my ed too. i had to take antibiotics bc i got bit by a street cat and it got infected. it really affected my body, i was bloated a lot. way back it would have broken me but im so loving with my body now that it didnt even matter. the only thing that mattered to me was my health. same with my acne. my skin has been breaking out bc of the stress of moving and irregular routines that come with it but ive been able to look past it as defining me as a whole. ive been really accepting and loving w my appearance and its so refreshing:) refreshing to love myself and not need it to come from anything from the outside. not from anyone else nor from any physical attribute.

[idealspawn]

ive explored this city a lot too and it has widened so much for me since the last time i lived here. i used to think i hated this city, that it was limiting. but i think my own mind was limited back then. i was in such a bad place that i wasnt able to see anything. i love this city. i love my street too, it has long been my fav street in this city. there are SUCH beautiful old stone houses here. wooden houses too:) insane how much your mental state can affect your perception of literally everything around you

[idealspawn]

ive been away from tumblr for such a long time, afraid it would trigger me. ive been doing so well:) i moved to another city. back to where i lived for a year, a year prior to this one. i was able to join a programme that enables me to study in this university again for a year as like an exchange student(?)-ish thing. it feels amazing. ive reconnected with two(three-ish?) extremely dear people to me and ive found my love for knowledge again. my apartment is so nice too. i live near a train station but i can barely hear anything, and if i do, the sounds are actually comforting. i used to dislike trains, they made me anxious but starting this summer i grew to love them and now i regularly even prefer them. i live on the top floor so my ceiling and walls are slanted but it brings me such comfort, my room in my parents' house also has it like that. i have a second floor, well half of it. there is a built-in ladder staircase. it feels extremely comforting. ive had to fix, and still have to fix, many things here bc its a relatively cheap apartment but im fine with that. it actually makes me feel more at home when i can work on the apartment and make it my own. it feels more like home when everything isnt perfect either. the washing machine was disgustingly dirty and the air ventilation thing above the stove is also so fucking nasty but ill deal w it.. not my first time renting an apartment...... .. .. . the emotional aspects of this place are way more important. ive adopted plants too this time around. and a lot more intentionally, ive made in-depth sheets on how to properly care for them. i speak to them and kiss them every day. i know i will buy at leasr one more plant. so far i have an aloe vera plant, alocasia zebrina(MY DEAREST but also the most needy), a chinese money plant and an ivy. i want another ivy but a diff one. right now i have the one called wonder, it looks very friendly, very round. i didnt intend to get this one but they got my order wrong but i didnt have the heart to exchange it so i will just keep it and buy the other ivy as a friend to it. i am so fond of the one that has, i cant seem to find its proper name, but the one that has extremely slim and elongated and really sharp star-like leaves. i figured maybe the two contrasting ivy plants would even look better together than just one. so maybe the wrong order was a blessing in disguise. im using plants to learn unconditional love and acceptance because my family definitely didnt provide me with that skill.. :d.. did the same with my childhood cat, thats why she was so extremely dear to me. when noone else in my family loved me unconditionally, she did:). ive been really motivated to study and read a lot of my own extracurricular stuff too. ive gone to really interesting tours and public programmes about nature and culture and society. ive actually enjoyed being on my own and had the balls to show up to places alone, i used to never be able to do that. i always had to have someone with me but its really limiting as many people around me right now have colliding interests. im also so insanely proud of myself for speaking up in a seminar!!!!!! u have no idea. NO IDEA how hard that has been for me. to realize my insight has value and should take up time and space in a seminar. ive always come so close to speaking but then my heart has raced out of my chest and then the moment passed. but this time i actually spoke up, i took the initiative and i didnt only speak abt the strict topic that our seminar text provided for that time but i brought up my individual reading!! and a girl in the seminar told me i spoke well!!(i didnt, god i was so nervous i stumbled upon my words so much and avoided all eye contact) AND ALSO the professor leading the seminar told me my answer was good too :) im so happy. im growing so much.

[idealspawn]

i felt weird being intimate w him too tbh. kissing him is nice and biting him LOL and holding his hand. but like more than that felt weird to me too you know. but idk if that is bc im just weird w certain types of intimacy or bc i didnt feel it w him. i anyway just looked past it. i tend to do that. not sure if its good or not. like i felt awk too and disconnect but for some rsn it didnt tell me to move on but to see whats more in store in him. like he said he didnt say anything right away bc he wanted to see diff sides to me BUT LITERALLY. when i feel sth is off, i cant show my diff sides. its not that i dont fucking have diff sides to me that are interesting too. just when the other person is disconnected i cant show shit like it freezes me up. fuck. like its fine. it literally is. im not pressed. its just like a weird situation bc i dont think i agree w his vision of what relationships should be or how ppl should be. and i guess that is already a clue we shouldnt continue. though his reason is based on our sexual compatibility :d. its good we could be transparent though. i told him that if he keeps getting into those same situations when he ends things early that maybe the issue isnt in the girl and the connection but him. like that the spark maybe isnt supposed to last all the time but that doesnt mean it isnt real or is less than, that is just how real fucking relationships are. you cant keep comparing every new love to your first bc your first love inevitably felt fucking like.. a lot. felt like a lot of things bc its the first time for a lot. but i dont think its a bad thing shit shifts and love takes on different forms as you grow up. i dont think i even want that intense of a love anymore as was my first bc it was a literal mess in reality. felt good to be honest w him. i told him that im not telling him these things to like convince him to like me or anything just like as food for thought for the future, coming from a friend. i just wish he told me all of this sooner.

[idealspawn]

tbh now that i think of it i kind of needed him not for himself but for myself too. so that is fucked up a bit maybe from my side too. like that i needed someone secure enough to kind of mm trust them and be truly honest and transparent and loving and giving but not because i so very much loved them and wanted to give TO THEM but to see if i can trust myself to let myself be giving. if that makes sense. to let myself try be securely attached. but not necessarily because im madly in love. but like train my vulnerability. he said he read my poem and it was nice, cheesy at times but with good parallels and metaphores. i explained one part to him more in detail too bc it was pretty open to interpretation. he said he will write it down but i dont think he will. but it also feels so cringe because he was meant to read it when he still had feelings for me. also a good um.. stepping stone for me i guess. to admit i have feelings for someone still when they dont, although im acc not too sure myself how much i was truly madly attached either. feels good to swallow my pride though. i also tend to lose feelings when ppl arent attracted to me which is good. i dont have a problem w chasing him. im attracted to ppl being attracted to me which in a way, from me, is also a bit fucked up. he also didnt become a part of my real immediate daily routine as i didnt really text w him too much. we just were together irl a lot and really present in those times. and i also made sure i didnt abandon my friends this time so i still massively have my support system w me. but it sucks a bit bc i literally talked abt him to so many of my friends but its okay like i dont owe anyone anything to last just bc i talked abt it. and shit changes. just bc i said sth true in one moment doesnt mean i has to stay true forever or that now that it isnt true anymore that it couldnt have been immensely true at one point. one thing that was pretty fucked up tho is that he told me he wanted to have sex w me just bc he was looking for certainty and answers abt his feelings from there not bc he acc felt connected to me. like i usually.. want to be intimate when i feel love not disconnect..... and now he said he didnt find it from there. but like.. we were literally both so high and it was such a bad situation. no wonder you cant feel a spark bc i was literally numb like a vegetable. he said he knows it was a bad decision but like why do you take this situation to tell you clues abt what next then. and like. the same way with all our previous hangouts when i felt sth off. like the reason it was off was bc he was off and not fully honest abt it. it felt like such a relief when he said all the words out so rawly at last and i felt i could come out of this weird anxious shell of a performance i had on w him the past few times bc of the way i felt sth was weird but i couldnt tell what it was so i couldnt fully be normal myself either. so like the last times he gave me "chances" couldnt have been proper chances to show him anything true bc it didnt feel like... normal. there was an elephant in the room that was standing right between us. but he refused to address it when i tried to. i guess i got my answer that its not that im weird that i keep getting into these awk situations but that the other person feels weird and that is the thing affecting me. im fucking normal. i cried a bit too like its not that i am not affected by it at all but i think im kind of fine. i anyway didnt see him for 2 weeks now. its just weird bc we had plans which made us be together daily for like 2 weeks straight and um. i dont know if i can do that. even if we are friends bc i dont usually do that w my friends really. its weird. but like. fuck idk.

[idealspawn]

so the guy im seeing came back from his trip. we met up yesterday. he told me we should stay friends. i guess its okay its just a bit weird. its funny bc i felt so bad about not liking him as much as he seems to like me. so i literally like. trained myself to get used to being real vulnerable w him. and meanwhile he, unknowingly to me, trained himself to get used to the idea of not having me present in his life the same way as i was up until now. its not too bad because it felt weirdly forced to me too at times but its like. i tend to push through that. i think of feelings like waves. i know theyre sometimes still there even when im disconnected to them. not that its like that for everyone but i dont think i believe in like soulmates for a while already. like i dont think youre supposed to feel crazy attraction right away and click right away and be comfortable w everything RIGHT away. that if sth feels wrong it might be that the situation is wrong not the persin as a whole. it just bothers be that he wasnt fully honest from the get-go. like that he said all was well when it wasnt. for me, being truly aware of eachother's raw perspectives is the thing that helps me move on, not trying to save me from hurt by withholding details bc my gut still tells me sth is off despite what he says directly, you know. he said he met up w his ex right before his trip and realized that neither me or his ex is what he wants. and that he shouldve started the convo w that but he was embarrassed. and that he feels like an idiot bc of that. he also kept repeating that he is really uncomfortable w talking abt emotions, that it will send him into a crisis. but if he wont talk abt them... i will go spiralling.. you know.. noone fucking wins. and he said he knows that so he did talk abt his emotions in a way after all after i fried him w questions to tell me abt things. i guess its maybe.. um.. good that he isnt my love interest anymore bc i really need someone who is okay with emotions, like really okay. i asked him to tell me wtf am i supposed to do now bc he has had all this time to think abt it but i havent. he is pretty self-aware. he said he knows it was a dick move to lead me on like that. but i guess i knew his approach to his past relationships so i cant blame him necessarily. its just that i used to be like him, thinking that a moment of disconnection ALWAYS meant that the feelings arent there anymore. which they sometimes arent but also a lot of the times its just a question of the perspective you look at relationships and feelings from. so i assumed he maybe too has changed bc i have changed and you know when i talk abt my past then i talk abt it.. as the past.. idk.. he also will move to brussels in not too long which is a weird ass turn of events. i guess its good he said it now as summer still lasts, i have time to adjust. its just that i literally planned him in my fucking plans already. nothing insane but i kind of assumed he would be in my life for a while more. though he still will be in my life because we will stay friends and stuff but i cant do it the same. like i cant give him as much time of my week. well i can but that wouldnt be us being friends.

[idealspawn]

i think its probably good that he is on his 2 week europe trip. we made plans for after his trip so i feel secure. he told me he trusts me. i trust him too. i was afraid i dont trust myself not to disconnect w my feelings but i think its fine now. i therapized myself out of it :d. i think we both need breathing room. i also need to get sober for a while, fuck. that has def messed me up. we met up one last time before he left too and he took pics of me w his film camera. he is convinced that im photogenic though im not.... he taught me how to use the camera too! we also visited a local church and listened to the organ music there. it was beautiful. ive been massively inhaling therapy videos on how to self-regulate and allow breathing room in a relationship. also how to maintain a distinct identity whilst being together with someone. it has helped me immensely. i also have actually returned back to my hobbies and read diff essays abt my personal interests like philosophy and religion and the art of translating literature. i rediscovered old video games i used to play w my sister, that is insanely healing. ive drawn a lot and listened to lots of new music and made new cool playlists. i watched some anime too! ive met up w my friends that i havent seen in such a long time and ive been such a great host. i invited my 8 girl friend group over and we made spring rolls together and mojitos and got high and played cool board and card games. it was so refreshing. i also invited my closest friend over and we went riding w bikes at night and climbed on the walls surrounding a manor near my home. not sure if legal but we also jumped in their backyard and ran around. it was so beautiful. we also did lots of other fun stuff. i saw poppies! my fav flower. also bats!!! the reflection of the moon on a river was so beautiful. it was so nice that my sister came over for a day too. i saw two of her friends briefly too and they were so nice to me! today ill be going out of my comfort zone a fuck ton too. my friend is hosting her bday party in her countryside home that is far away and i havent even figured out my transportation back. i will stay there for 3 days. loose ends like that used to freak me the fuck out but i think ill be fine. its an old house so it doesnt really allow me to follow all my insane rituals but i think i need to train myself to be okay w it. most ppl are sleeping in tents but i can be in the house bc i literally dont have a tent but that also probably would make me panic a bit too much. too many new things at once isnt good either i think. im actually doing fine. its nice. surprising that ive done things and im doing things and i havent died although most of my life ive literally feared i would. like not yet discussing why i shut down when the guy im seeing tried to be intimate and postponing it for after his trip.. i used to NEVER be able to do that. like i couldnt for the life of me sit w the uncomfortable emotion. like my entire life used to stop until i could regulate through the other person and vocalize it. but now ive just like. organized my brain. and self-soothed myself and i feel safe that he wont immediately leave me just bc of one difficult situation with an ambiguous meaning. and that the issue can be put on pause and when he returns we can talk about it.

[idealspawn]

fuck. i feel so fucking bad. i hate how i sometimes shut down and cant communicate my thoughts right away. and i cant really even vocalize that i need time either. i just lose my voice and freeze. i made the guy feel uncomfortable i think. like he said everything is fine but like. like . like. he is confused but like like like like like its not like i wasnt ever planning on elaborating bc im actually really good at communicating i just like. am weird sometimes. and i told him that. and all is well but i feel so bad that i literally just said nothing when he tried to talk to me about it. he wanted to sleep w me and i was okay w it at first bc i want it too but i was high for the first time after like 2 months and literally so disoriented and i freaked out like i barely even recognized him, i was THAT high. and then just froze and shriveled and said nothing and kept repeating that i dont know anymore and cant explain it rn. he stopped immediately the moment he noticed sth was off and asked if i was uncomfortable and/or afraid of him as in nervous. and he tried to talk abt it even when we werent high anymore and he blamed himself a lot which is so sad bc thats not it and then tried to like i guess move slower and said its ok if im not ready but the next 2 days we were together i literally just said nothing when he tried to make advances or talk abt why both of us acted awk and i like just acted like nothing happened but like still made moves on him and was okay with like other stuff just not like sleep-sleep w him. i kept sending mixed signals. i also was like so weird and quiet in general the entire time i was w him and i said i was in an odd mood and he pinky promised it wont affect anything and that he likes multidimensional people and its okay that im diff sometimes. i drank alcohol the entire time i was there too and fuck. idk im just. so fucking weird. he said its ok he is nervous and scared too and like i just fucking said nothing i dont know whats my fucking problem. fuck. like it was actually really fun too most of the time. we did graffiti and looked at the stars when we were lying down in this tower near like mmmm a big beautiful singing stage (???) and smoked his last lucky cigarette and did fun stuff on playgrounds at night and the moon and the clouds were so beautiful. the clouds were exactly like in suzume when the sky collapsed. then we cooked together, it was so fun to shop together and then we watched moomins and it was actually really nice. i picked him a nickname by opening a book on a certain page number and picking a word blindly. and he read me the little prince in french bc we both know french too and its a sentimental book to him. he sang me songs and played the guitar. he also surprised me by playing one of "our" songs and i literally started to cry. and he altered these lyrics in this one song so it applied to us and it was so sweet. i wear oversized clothes and he put my sweatshirt on and i had his jean jacket and bracelet on the entire time. he looked so nice in my hoodie and he didnt want to take it off and kept hugging it. i think probably bc it smells like me. i said i came from the moon, that they switched me when i was 5. he said he isnt even from this solar system. it was cute. made me not feel insane lol. its just like.. im a literal idiot sometimes. he was supposed to come to my place today and he asked if its okay if he comes tomorrow bc he is very confused and scattered and slow today and i think its bc of me and i feel so bad. like its okay he comes later but i intended on explaining what happened w me to him today and i just want to fix everything fast and i dont want him to feel bad and fuck. i fucking dont know. i asked him if he is confused bc of me but he hasnt answered yet. i feel so fucking bad. like all is well he said that a million times but i just want to fix everything now and immediately but not over texts....

[idealspawn]

he said he likes messy beauty. that he loves when the rain has messed up my makeup and the wind has tousled my hair. he said he doesnt care for symmetry. it feels nice. i feel safe to be myself around him. it feels safe to show my flaws too, in other ways than physical too.

[idealspawn]

it feels so surreal. that i met this guy. he literally is all ive ever wanted. like he has all those exact traits. im not saying he is flawless he is obv human but he literally knows how to make me feel seen and loved and our needs are the same too. and like so naturally and organically. like how much we need and want to spend time together and our hobbies and love languages and all. and he fits in with my friends so well! and he is so kind and accepting of my quirks and he likes that im emotional unlike literally everyone else who have always penalized me for it. he makes being kind seem so easy. he makes me feel easy to love. and its easy to love him too. or i dont know if love is the right word right now but something along those lines. i dont ever feel anxious about him or worried that he wont prioritize us. its so nice. its nice that we trust eachother. and its nice that we can be silent together but also hyperactive the next time. i feel celebrated. he is just so fucking normal. he doesnt have a problem walking around w me holding hands and has no problem w pda(not like gross pda but to a normal extent). he has no problem telling his friends abt me. WHICH IS THE BARE MINIMUM but ive been with such fucking idiots before that it feels insane. he never hesitates to answer any of my questions truthfully too. like he has nothing to hide. i love transparency. and i love that neither of us are afraid to ask for affection in the way we like to be cared for too when we need it. i used to have problems w it. happy. im going to stay at his place now for a few days. he is going to move out after that. i like that we can spend so much time together before he leaves for his europe trip. being with him feels healing. i like that he has no pride. i like that he doesnt withhold affection. i like how smart he is but in a diff way from me. but also in kinda similar fields. i like how playful he is. i like him so much. i like all of him. :)

[idealspawn]

its weird how being in love seems to erase all of my problems, at least for a while...

[idealspawn]

we were at this open-air classical music concert lying in the grass and and and and and we both closed our eyes and started narrating an improvised shared daydream to eachother and adding things to eachother's story based on the emotion of the music!! :)) im so happy!