illicitamour

[illicitamour]

Tokyo, 6.22.23

I literally took two photos today because of how the day just naturally went, so I wanted to write about it before I forgot what I did today. This morning, we all woke up in Kyoto in our Ryokan and ate their delicious breakfast. Dan made an egg sando, so I followed suit and it was so good. Instead of rushing to get out the door, Andy, Sammie, and Dan were laying on their tatami mats while I collected my items. Dan rolled over the two younger ones, initiating bursts of groans and laughter. It was projected to rain all day in Kyoto, so instead of going to the Bamboo Forest and Fushimi Inari, we shifted our plans and went to Tokyo since there was a slightly less chance of rain and there were more indoor things to do. The train trip took three hours and we had also struggled with buying Shinkansen tickets, so we got into Tokyo around 2:30. I had originally planned for us to go to Maidreamin, but it was a struggle to wrangle everyone together (Sam got lost in the bathroom? Sammie was tending to her injury from the night before, etc, etc), it was too late to just walk in without a rezzie. I went out to get pottery from the Kitchenware district (got rice bowls, three plates, and four teacups). The group decided to eat dinner at 4pm, so I missed out. Andy and I met up for dinner and the spicy miso tonkatsu was amazing. Afterwards, I went shopping and joined Sammie to shop a little before retiring for the night at 8pm due to the rain and cold weather. Andy is feeling the beginnings of illness, so I am dreading getting sick since I’ll be sleeping right next to him. Oy vey.

[illicitamour]

Kees Scherer. Infatuated couple along the Seine, Paris. 1950s

[illicitamour]

Be mindful of your self-talk.

It is a conversation with the universe.

— David James Lees

[illicitamour]

André Kertész. Washington Square Park, New York City. 1962

[illicitamour]

I’ve been struggling with binging for the past week. I thought I was doing better, but I suppose I’ve been regressing a bit. I’m still trying my hardest to do intuitive eating and I’ve been trying to let myself eat whatever I crave to offset the binging, but it’s just been such a difficult road to travel. Every time I think I’m doing better, I feel myself slipping.

A contributing factor may be due to me just being too hard on myself. Perhaps I am doing better.

[illicitamour]

#Instagram

[illicitamour]

#Spotify

[illicitamour]

Approximately 16 years ago, I began developing an eating disorder. Looking back, I remember some red flags. I would hide bags of ramen under my bed. I would eat famiy-sized bags of chips in one sitting. I would make myself sandwiches for lunch consisting of two thin slices of bread, one slice of cheese, and two thin slices of turkey.

My father would tell me that if I didn’t stop picking at my acne, I would not get a husband. My aunt had once called me “enormous” in Vietnamese to my face. I was always told to finish everything on my plate. We went to buffets, where I would be considered a “waste of money” since I did not eat seafood. So I ate 4 full plates of food to make up for it. I ate until it hurt to breathe. Seeing that written out makes me sick.

In college, my eating disorder came into full swing. I was surrounded by beautiful thin Asian girls that looked like me. They flaunted their collar bones and thin legs whenever they could. They ate without constraint. Attention by the opposite sex was amplified by much more than I was ever used to. I was lost in my journey of finding myself. I drowned myself in words of self loathing, always blaming myself for not being able. Being able to make the grades that everyone made, being able to speak up for myself, being able to stay at a stable weight that was effortless to me in high school.

I turned the lights out on myself without knowing it.

For years, I fought with myself. Pulled at the skin at my sides, trying to figure out what the best diet was. Tried to see if sticking fingers down my throat could work. No. Tried to restrict my calorie count down to 600 calories a day. No. Tried the keto/paleo/CICO diet. No. Tried to overexcercise. No.

This pandemic has locked me out of my distractions. It forced me to confront myself and my demons out into the light. I spent hours upon hours reflecting upon myself. After almost two years of watching the numbers on the scale rollercoaster, I found myself at a loss. I was no longer going to restaurants. I can finally control what food came into the house, and subsequently into my stomach, and there was no other source. Yet nothing changed.

So I turned to therapy. As a student of the science of behavior, everything within me fought the urge to correct my therapist. I doubted her methods, questioned her, and even sent back a revised outline of what I would think were better treatment plan goals for myself than what she originally wrote. I advocated for myself. I sought the truth. Week by week, I collected questions for her to answer, to pick away at the obscurities of my insecurities.

And finally, after 16 years, I am finally seeing the light. I still have good days and bad days, and I certainly have so much to learn (and so much to thank my therapist for) but I practice mindfulness and awareness with every bite that I take. I become fully present with every flavor that presents itself on my tongue. At this point, I must find the patience to continue my journey of self reflection and self healing. I must continue to fight to find the light within the darkness.

[illicitamour]

Kees Scherer. Amsterdam. 1950s

[illicitamour]

"What you feel is what you are and what you are is beautiful."

I got this tattooed on my ribs almost ten years ago. I got this for a few reasons. I had loved the lyrics for years and always went back to this song when asked what my favorite song was.

But the meaning morphed quite a bit into my college years. I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted to be free from feeling perfect all the time. Who knew that more than a decade later, I'd feel the same way? No matter how much I researched, no matter how much I try to learn and understand myself, I find myself back into a spiral of dark thoughts about myself.

I try my best to forgive myself when I binge. I try to talk positively to myself. I try to confine myself into calories and steps, but it always comes back to the same glaring number on the scale. The same discouraging thoughts.

#Spotify

[illicitamour]

photo: David Castenson

[illicitamour]

Finally motivated again to actively try to lose the weight I’ve gained since April.

Some things I’ve realized recently with some introspection is that:

The last time I didn’t care about what I ate, didn’t care about what I looked like, didn’t care about what was in the kitchen cabinets was when I was a senior in high school. I managed to feel hunger and not have to feel like I had to go through my refrigerator. I ate when I felt like it. When I entered college and crossed into my sorority, my self esteem plummeted. It must have been being surrounded by girls who were similar to me, but I felt that they were thinner. I never felt like I ever had to compare myself to others until I was surrounded by thin, beautiful Asian girls.

That was the start of my binge eating. My body dysmorphia. Sure, some of my family members might have offended me here and there, but growing up, I didn’t have the same obsessiveness about food as I do today. It consumes me every hour of every day. When there is food around me, I have an overwhelming feeling to eat as much of it as fast as possible. To this day, I look at myself and feel negative feelings toward my self image, despite all the good that I hear from others. Those feelings exacerbate when I fail to feel positive towards myself. A never ending circle. I try so hard to change my mindset, to try to listen to others, and to practice speaking kind words to myself, but my thoughts always turn so toxic.

I’d like to get help. I just need to get motivated to do so.

[illicitamour]

[illicitamour]

"We don't know how to rest anymore. We don't allow the body to rest, to release the tension, and to heal."

- Thich Nhat Hanh

[illicitamour]

“We were talking yesterday and we were saying that we wish you were the clinic director. It would be awesome if you were.”

“May, when are you coming? Just come early, get your hotel. We’ll hang out poolside.”

[illicitamour]

photo: David Castenson

[illicitamour]

Human relationships are so interesting. They are ever-evolving and their boundaries are always redefined. I’ve experienced friendships in which I can go years without speaking to someone and rekindle the friendship in one text. Then it goes to hanging out every single day to not seeing each other for months at a time again. I know that that friendship will be fine though. I’ve also made friends sitting next to someone random on an airplane for three hours. I’ve given so many chances to a person I considered a friend until one day, it just...wasn’t worth it anymore. It caused me so much confusion and pain that in the end, I considered myself no longer wanting to put in the effort to mend the relationship. For a while, it caused such inner turmoil. I mean, this person has been in my life for 20 years (and counting). I spent a whole day with my emotions spiraling out of control, wondering if I had any friends left. By the next day, I was convinced I had some. A few. 

I’m okay now. I’ve come to accept it and it’s fine. Will it make me any better at keeping in touch with my current friends? Not really. But I do realize just how important those few people are in my life.