iloveyouw

[iloveyouw]

Fire of Love (Sara Dosa, 2022)      

[iloveyouw]

No i dont hate u. Not one bit at all. In fact i miss u and i love u still. Gnww

[iloveyouw]

i pass by an old church on my way to the grocery store. as a kid, i prayed for hours to a god i wasn't sure i believed in, begging him to save me. and when he didn't, i began begging him to make me someone worth saving. if you're there, god, please make me worthy, i pleaded every night. if you're there. it's the same way i talk to lovers now. i kneel beside their bed, not believing that i am good enough for them to stick around for longer than a heartbeat. if you're there, please make me worthy, i beg them. if you're there. even if they stick around, i will always feel affection slipping through my fingers. they will tell me i don't have to earn their love. they'll send me posts about caring for me on purpose. and still, i will find myself pleading. if you're there, please make me worthy. but nobody wants i love you to be an argument. they will leave, because i couldn't let myself be loved. and still, i will sit on the floor, kneeling, unable to keep myself from begging. if you're there.

chronicles of a lover, always pleading - judas h.

[iloveyouw]

this is a great read, help me safeguard it?

keep me close to u. so when the lights turn off, i will be the one holding ur hands and we navigate to the switch over and over, again and again, till the end of time.

[iloveyouw]

You are the finest, loveliest, tenderest, and most beautiful person I have ever known, but even that is an understatement.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald, F. Scott Fitzgerald: A Life in Letters: A New Collection

[iloveyouw]

Moonrise at sunset - Adlerweg, Tirol, Austria, October 2022

photo by: nature-hiking

[iloveyouw]

Ominous nights

[iloveyouw]

[iloveyouw]

View from Schuerman Mountain, Sedona, Arizona.

[iloveyouw]

“Be the love you never received.”

— Rune Cazuli

[iloveyouw]

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

[iloveyouw]

A Matter of Life and Death (Michael Powell & Emeric Pressburger, 1946)

[iloveyouw]

hate feeling hungry. brings me back to a time when i dont feel hungry at all. but if i buy food now i will feel horrible for eating cos i alrd went a day without eating i wna make my stomach smaller and be skinny.

[iloveyouw]

28 Nov 2022

wow today was weird.

it made me know what i want more. and i am ever more certain after today.

denzels and i catch up alot about old friends and what the heck were we doing, how we met and yknow typical things. what i couldnt believe was some of the things i did that he swore by it that i have zero recollection.. ok not swore by it but like he was sure and i am not at all. which felt v weird because i dont recognize that me at all.

so the normal things were like how we met, we both didnt rmb. but he say its from dan. and i do think so. but thats not impt la.

he told me of 2 things that i rly didnt rmb. 1 was that he said i kept asking sus (another friend) to help me get fentanyl. i nv rmb wanting that shit. fentanyls dangerous. i asked him like theres just no way i rmb asking for fentanyl. fentanyl is what those dealers lace drugs with cos if im not wrong its cheaper than like pure meth. so they will lace fentanyl in with meth/heroin etc so its like unpure shit. but too much of it will die one. so i rly dont rmb. if i did then i dont know what the fuck i was thinking. i asked him "omg theres no way, are u sure its not like benzos or like some pill?" he said he dont rly rmb but he was quite sure. dude. i dont rmb shit. he said i kept BUGGING him and sus... and even ask them to try.. zzz

2nd was he said last time they always hang out in bishan, like they have a place they go to like some hangout spot, i nv go before. but after my work, when i still work at bishan CPF too, with my old company, they will like meet me aft my work since they are at bishan too and i will pass them meth. them as in ernest and zels. then they will meet the rest of the grp idk who at their hang out spot and him and ernest will go take meth.. he told me like, on meth he was on his phone for 12hrs, i feel like that happened, but in my head i rly dont rmb. idk how to say. i rly did not rmb that. cos how he brought it up was like, "omg i rmb last time we always meet u aft ur work at bishan then smoke 1 cigg then u will pass us stuff and we will scurry away..." then im like, wait what??? and i didnt even dare to ask how many times.... i was ashamed of my old self.

but i could believe that. for some reason. i was always the one sponsoring their meth. and when he told me like i pass them shit i felt so horrible sia. i keep saying "im so embarrassed and sorry..." like i told him i was ashamed. he said its cool like he dont do anymore. and he apologised for bringing all this up. but i said its ok. like its not that hard. and he commented on my ig names, like its always affirming and nice. so thats cool/ imn ot gna lie these thoughts make me for a second had me thinking it was better times. i was almost consumed by it. but i snapped out of it.

like during our conversation i said like, i thought i was cool, but i was actually the clown, making u guys try meth and shit. i said i felt v v v bad. and its one reason why i dont wna meet them. which is true. bcos i cant face it. he assured that it was okay, and made sure that they didnt blame me. yknow? but up until this point i feel like i am always that stained "jo" amongst that group.

he also mentioned that he only told ernest that hes meeting me, like recently, and ernest said "huh to take meth ah" wah and my heart sank. i laughed it off like it was funny, but i feel like i was stained. meth and jo comes tgt. yknow. i felt so horrible and i apologised to him at the end of the day. like texted him sorry and he said:

J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:19 AM] I jist wna say, im sorry for the way i acted LOL like i didnt rmb alot of things!! Thank u for being gracious as always! Hope to catch u soonnnnn

Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:27 AM] Oh please you dont have to be sorry for anything, i'm serious!!! I've always been so fond of you its actually great we get to laugh about these things after all this time

Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:28 AM] I damn easy to catch hahah

J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:28 AM] Catch what r u a pokemon

J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] No la its just these memories v wild to me hahaha i have alot of reflecting to do hahaah

J🍩, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] But yea glad we can laigh abt it

Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:29 AM] Hahaha i'd love to be a pokemon, eat and fight all day

Denzel, [28/11/2022 3:33 AM] Yeah i reaaaally love how you put in that kind of effort in your introspection, now that we've done looking back; all thats left is making more memories forward huh

and otw back from mac like when i sending him back, i told him like ive never been clearer. and he was v proud of me. so apparently the rest are like dealers and shit, but they dont do meth just mostly weed and ketamine. and he said like they think they are cool. and that rly like got me to see, how uncool and stupid they are. which i think most of them thought of me like that.

aside from our conversation, we had some rly great laughs just about other people and their drama. apprently the group i always thought was cool wasnt very after all. they have so much drama themselves. and i can share w u more but the impt ones were those im saying now.

but today made me realise i dont want anyone else. and i want u. i just want u wie.. i feel so empty, even though it was very wholesome and sweet, something wasnt right. otw to orto, like walking the path we took to the BKK bistro place, i thought to myself like, wow i wish u were with me. id like to pick u and have u beside me all the time. but i also thought that i should be more independent. but when im home like right now, i think ure asleep, i feel empty. i wanna tell u all about my day and all about it. i wna give u all the assurance u need and hope u didnt feel uncomfortable at all. i hope u had fun catching up with ur old friends, tell me all about it too? i was thinking like did they say anything about her, or me. since i assume yw knows her. i dont know. i was ready to leave once u said go. yknow that right? when u said to meet i was alrd thinking of ways to tell him i wna go. but u said u wna go home so i left to get food. i hope u dont think i wasnt putting u first. i dont know if i should have insisted that i went to u or not. i would 100% love to.

it was a weird day. but i can say that old jo is gone because i couldnt even recognize her. the shit i do... i hate old me, but i love this new me!

[iloveyouw]

ill continue from where i left off. when i met my ex right. when we first met i was the c00l jo, i ask him like u wna hook up not!!! then he said to me he felt i was v different cos i was very forward. so it was like during the second time we hook up right, then he tell me about his meth nonsense. honestly right, i didnt know how to use meth. i didnt know what is that. ok its v messy, and i cant exactly rmb how he said he takes meth, but i rmb i was very confused, i still am now. i think its because i dont uds what meth is u know at that time, so i nv take it to heart. he nv explicitly say what it was, i dont rmb how said it, i keep trying to rmb, but i dont, i only know he got tell me, he needed to do smth, but like dk if its ok, but im like, why wouldnt i be?? so i just say er ok, then i just watch him take smth out of his drawer, it was wrapped in tissue paper. then im like er ok whats that, so i just did my own thing, let him do his own thing. HONESTLY BIG RED FLAG, i shouldve known it was smth wrong alrd. but idk why i thought it was okay, but back then i didnt know jack shit about meth, i nv even hear before or knew of its existence. at that point i only took weed before. i was curious but i was oblivious. so i didnt probe eh. nor was i like SUs about it. actually saying all this now, i feel like i have been like that too. with ppl like joshua, i smoked in front of him when hes over. and i said i need to do it, and he was using his phone doing his thing. it felt like i was joshua sia when my ex did that to me. okok but no digress. i was just sitting there using my phone while he smoked meth (at that point idk what he doing). omg and like which i see it now eh. its such a weird thing to do in front of someone who dont know what that is. and i was left clueless. so at that point i still dk what meth is. then shortly after, is like eveyrthing is pointing at meth, back when meth wasnt even in my life. then at that point of time i was working at the bar at jalan kayu, thats when i meet O, cos he live like 1 bus stop away. so he always hang and drink there. then my colleague i forgot his name, is childhood friend with O. so we all hang. but that colleague is like a good boy, dont do drugs those kind. then end up i got close to O. ok so right, i alrd tried weed mah, and i always wanted to like try other stuff, BUT IDK WHAT I GNA TRY i just want to yknow. so i hear O keep talking about like meth and how he is v dependent. ok i said i dont know what meth is right, i mean i heard of it before, but i dont know what kegan was taking that night was meth, was what im trying to say. its very messy and everythings like on top of each other so when i try to dig back my memories its honestly all one lump. please dont fault me on the things i say. i am trying my best to remember.

so fast forward i told O ok i wna try, he say i wont ask u to, if u ownself want then i ok. i say ya. its not u. i want. so first time he came over, to my place. he help me jab. i was very very very very very scared. idk why i did that honestly now i think back. fucking stupid. but O was v nice. he walked over to my plae, cos i said i was like scared. idw to do at his, first time, idk if i will feel like what. yknow? like will i feel out of control? will i be able to walk? etcetc. so he came over. it was like 2pm, ok idk the time, afternoon la. or could be morning. it was bright. so at that point of time right, i think i got tell kegan i wna try. wah honestly i rly dk LOL. ok but i know kegan know that it was my first time. and we were like very very early in our relationship, so he didnt stop me altho he got ask like my first time he wante. wie. i sudd got another emmory. it just came back. i shot with my ex too. like meth thats the one i fainted. now which came first. i think O did. bcos i have this memory of kegan saying like, "ur first time taking meth not with me blabla" omg. so yes. okok srysry. back to the story, o came over, help me jab. he showed me its new and shit and still like nurse like that help me alcohol wipe etcetc. then ok jab alrd i feel the same but got the eletric surge in my veins. it felt like i lightning all over. ALL OVER. goosebump, my head felt light. idk how to express that. and i know for sure i cant relive that. that first time was actually out of this world. nothing compares. its a physical good. idk if its cos O had the right amount or what.

so then he left making sure i was ok, he sat w me for abit until the high wore off, until the tweaking phase, he left. my parents came back. i dont rmb how i felt. i know i was spaced out. and nothings the same ever since.

blabla then i think second time i took was w kegan. also jab ah. i really really really dont remember. i know some of it dont make sense. but i really dont. i only know i did jab w kegan too. idk in between i got smoke before or not. but yea, thats the one i fainted. kegan was diff from O. kegan was fucking jittery, i cant believe im saying this, but O felt more reliable. when doing it with kegan i felt like i couldnt trust him. i will be in pain. because if u miss ur vein, it goes out ah, its fucking pain. fucking fucking pain. i nv kena before. its like fire like that inside ur veins. i nv kena before. but ya ive heard. so have to be v careful, and my vein v hard to find. omg

yknow what, i cant do this. sry i think i got carried away talking about meth. i feel like i can go all day.

sry i couldnt get much out today. brb

[iloveyouw]

oh no its 8.10

i went to cut nails and like play candy crsuh until my dad just left. like i heard the door. then i got transported back. to like, i liked being alone cos thats when i can like open the door get some fresh air, go outside take water and like not worry about the lighter sound and shit. fuck fuck fuck get out of that place pls. fuck u fuck off.. =.= i keep teleporting recently i fucking hate it. ill get up and shower now :<

[iloveyouw]

i hate tumblr. u said i can ask u anything the last time i ask u werent here. :<

i wanted to post a "this will be last post" post yesterday but i couldnt do it. wie, firstly, thank u for still trying. even when ure hurt, at ur expanse, u still put me first. i see it and i will not take it for granted. im sorry for the way i reacted when we were at kovan. i am not a brat and will not take u for granted anymore. i see how much ure hurting too and see ur effort through all of this. i will start looking positively and at the end of the day i just want u forever.

i havent been thinking much because it hurts and ive been so tired. my body clock is officially screwed. i hope u reach out to me when its hard too. and if u like we can meet and watch soft white underbelly atw and hear about others ppl life :( but i rly wish to watch XJN with u i dont wna watch it with anyone else. sleep well wie u must be tired. i am too. its 7.42am im gna shower and nap for abit. i cleared up some work already, tmrw nothing much. so i get to rest too.