irlkuromie

[irlkuromie]

"siblinghood, as a series of seasons"

//

[spring]

our father brings you out into the hospital corridor. you are swathed in a linen blanket. i am impressed that you are not crying. 

on the way home, our mother makes some comment, something like i hope you aren’t upset that the baby was born so close to your birthday. i do not respond. i am staring into your eyes, and you are staring back.

-

[summer]

summer, in all its brutality, is us together in the scorching heat. it’s me, the only one who can interpret your toddler babble. it is looking over as you take shaky steps and knowing, before anyone else, when you are about to fall. 

you are old enough to walk now. i still spend my spare time wondering who will catch you. 

such is siblinghood. such is life.

-

[autumn]

when everyone else thinks of autumn, they think of golden leaves. 

we think of the reason why they turn.

this is the nature of siblinghood; we grow up in a burning house. we leave with ashes under our nails. you are the only one who will ever hate our parents as much as i do. you are the only one who could ever love our parents as much as i do. you accidentally call me mom once and i say it’s fine, so long as no one’s listening.

i am old enough to leave, and i fly like a bat out of hell. you are too young to leave, and you stand in the hallway with crossed arms and a glowering face and you burn, and burn, and burn.

-

[winter]

winter is an echo of all we should’ve had; a world where we imagine siblinghood and think of warmth instead of salvation. 

our golden forests have faded to gray. i could not save you from the fall, nor could you save me from the flight. i could not save you from the burning house, but i’ll try my damndest to patch the wounds it left. you hate me just as much as you hate our parents and i love you just as much as i love them. 

i try to imagine a world where i am not stitching up your wounds as i bleed out from my own. there is no such world.

winter is all we have.

-

[spring]

a patch of dandelions blooms to our left. 

have you come to save me? you ask, and i shake my head.

no, kiddo. we already tried that.

well, what are you here for, then? 

the answer to your question chokes in my throat. i’m going back to college. your birthday is my phone password. i still think of you every time i eat a marshmallow. 

you are still bleeding, and you are still smoldering, and you are still glowering in the hallway. i have stitched up my wounds; they are healing into scars. i saved me first. i saved me at your expense. 

i lived to regret it.

i would not have, if i’d stayed. 

i’m here to make a wish. i say, and i hand you a dandelion. wish with me?

you puff the seeds into my face. it is just as annoying as you stealing my clothes in autumn when you were thirteen and cutting up my books in winter when you were five and taking what remained of our parents’ love in spring when you were born. siblinghood is a list of sins you’ll never remember and being the oldest means letting them cease to matter. 

i reach out. pick a dandelion. blow the seeds off in some unforeseen direction.

would you believe me if i told you that my wish was for you to be happy?

you do not respond. but you do not leave.

i stare into your eyes.

and you stare back.

[in spring, we are reborn.]

[irlkuromie]

songs and who introduced me to them

spotify should let me annotate my playlists

1. Step 9 (the regrettes) and ae86 (btwn frnds)

my bsf. we matured in different directions, but we are still a part of each other's lives and i hope she reaches out if she needs to. and that she makes better friends

2. Moonlight (dhruv) and Mariana ( the royston club)

october 2022. i wish we didnt still talk but i feel guilty dropping him after what happened, even tho he was sort of at fault but still..

3. August (flipturn)

my first real online friend? we used to talk a lot. they got me venti when i was busy with life. fond memories.

4. New song (ouse) and change your mind (sarcastic sounds)

and 10/10 (troye sivan) and tightrope (zayn) and soda stream sky (powfu) and id call u but i cant (carneyval) and are u sure? (loote) and in limbo (munn)

the weirdest friendship i have. we dont talk a lot but ur in my premium family plan, we dont talk much but u call when my birthday is close. and when you're bored. you offer to drive me places and i feel comfortable with you driving. we go months without talking but when we talk its like we never left.

5. bbo bbo (jessica universe)

we met in 6th, you were one of my first friends there. you abandoned me later,had your own stuff to deal with and a support system too. we joke about it now, i dont resent you. we dont talk much either but i love you. thank you.

6. break up with that guy (virginia to vegas)

we send each other memes and thats it. you moved away but diwali forever means home and home means our old friend group.

7. Tokyo Drift (mallrat) and summer&cigarettes (sammy rash)

we know each other since 9th, my earliest recollection of a failed talking stage lmao. bonded over having similar shitty situations, be it music or love or academics. failed physics, made playlists, maybe shared a few personal details. i wouldnt mind staying in touch with you even though i know our journey together has ended.

8. Figure8 (peachpit) and hayley (hathaw9y) and close to you (dayglow) and

i said i dont date, you were confident you could change that. didnt end well. youre the only one who gave me a birthday gift this year. and the first person to give me flowers. i pressed them btw, theyre brown and weird but i tried. i still have your hoodie, i want to give it back. youre not a good person and i wish we never meet again.

9. tennessee whiskey (chris stapleton) and hotel ugly

we had maths together and i think i had a crush on u. i travelled to my first (nid) and last entrance (nata) with u. we will be insta friends 4ever i hope

10. binki. the beatles. all the old timey artists.

used to hate you. stopped hating you (clearly). bonded over music, and mutual hatred. was (am?) jealous. envious. idk if its love but sure feels scary. will hurt when its over. i hope im the one ending it and not you.

[irlkuromie]

i hate my eyes. no matter who compliments them, I'll hate them still.

[irlkuromie]

i like you. i like you a lot. i cant tell if it's love though.

[irlkuromie]

i hate it when i cant even write a poem about something because its too obvious. like in the airbnb i was at i guess it used to be a kids room cause you could see the imprint of one little glow in the dark star that had been missed and painted over in landlord white. like that's a poem already what's the point

[irlkuromie]

Literally the worst

[irlkuromie]

i cant wait to be skinny enough to wear low rise jeans these are heaven

[irlkuromie]

TAKE ME IN YOUR ARMS OR WATCH ME PERIIIISH IN REAAL TIIIMEEEEEEEE

IM YOURS IN THE NIIIIGHT TIIIME

#Spotify

[irlkuromie]

theres not a big difference between being stubborn and being determined

[irlkuromie]

by a daughter, to her mother?

[irlkuromie]

tonight you said i have not done anything good in my whole life. a few days ago you said you looked at me differently,with more respect, after the marksheet for my exam was out. you said i could have done better, not that i did good. you said it was an unexpected result, not that i deserved it. you say you can see how hard i study but you also said that i shouldn't have chosen something i can't handle. are you going to be proud if i succeed or do you already know I'll fail? do you want me to fail, in order to prove that you knew all along?

[irlkuromie]

("I exist in two places: here and where you are")

Suzanne Buffam, "Vanishing Interior"

Sufjan Stevens, "The Only Thing"

Rene Ricard, "And Then I Tried"

[irlkuromie]

every day i get my heart ripped out & every day i simply just continue

[irlkuromie]

shoutout to Sufjan Stevens' mother, without whom Carrie and Lowell wouldn't have existed

#mommy issues have u jus doing shit fr #it makes so much sense #ofcourse its for his mother #i love him sm