jess-oh

[jess-oh]

day.. 3?

helllo journal! day 3? day 4? who knows. why is this font weird.

anyway, im planning to have an honest conversation with sophie this weekend about the dynamics of our friendship and i am pretty stressed out about it. i just want to focus on my work and get through the week as best i can, and i know i'll feel so much better after having this convo, but man am i afraid.

i think im just scared that shes not going to receive it well or brush it off as a defense mechanism which will make me feel invalidated and not really solve any of our ongoing issues. i think i do want to save our friendship if possible. i do value her as a friend and do want to go deeper it just... hasnt been happening. a part of me is definitely afraid to lose her and then to just be floating without any support system at all. she isnt the strongest as is but she is available for me to just chill with without expectations for a few hours or randomly during the week. i dont really have other friends that fulfill that role in my life right now and im not sure that i'd be able to find it either.

i think my other concern is just the fact that my list feels like im attacking her with all these reasons and while that isnt my intention, im not sure how else to approach the topic well. i tried to pair down my list as best i could but it is still a number of things "against" her. i'll probably reread my list and run it by my therapist on wednesday.

oh man. God, please bless me with a new, good therapist. you know my heart and my struggles and i just want someone safe to speak with. sex feels so taboo and im so ashamed to admit my constant struggles with masturbating. i want to do better but i know how often i fail. im really just looking for that quick fix, that flash of dopamine to make myself feel better and no longer think of the stress and duress im under—even if only for a little bit.

i also was planning to shift the burden from myself to Jo and Jamie during our recent meetings and i... flaked on both. Jo, I've slowly been trying to give her more responsibility so she's the main leader. And especially as the bridal shower takes place in KC, it's easier for her to be the natural leader. but for Jamie... esp knowing shes already busy, was recently very mentally unwell, and keeps giving me reasons to give her a break and shoulder a heavier load... i found myself unfortunately continuing to lead. i even waited for her to volunteer to reach out to the groomsmen. even if she doesnt know them, she can still find them through discord but no, the responsibility fell on me. :') also, i know a bach joint trip to vegas will be fun and enjoyable for thor and sophie but it is also a very pretty penny and that makes me nervous... im worried choosing to visit my parents this year will be harder than other years just bc of all these accrued expenses. i am very unlikely to go to head in the clouds now, which is a bummer, bc i would really love to go. but the bridal shower + bach party costs + wedding outfit and heels and registry gift... it's quickly adding up. i knew it would be expensive but i dont think i realize just how expensive. i also did not expect to fork over 2k to fix my car so.... yup. that is where im at.... i am definitely inclined to buy a wedding registry item sooner than later to claim one of the cheaper pieces.... i am not about to fork over hundreds of dollars when im already spending that on all these events... bleh.

being in a wedding party is not nearly as fun as i would've expected or hoped for. it's just expensive, lol.

sigh. im just going to hope for the best for this weekend! hopefully... it would be so much easier to do this over the phone rather than in person :') wish me luck, God!

[jess-oh]

day 3

hi journal.

im going to write today's entry as a letter to sophie. im a maid of honor for her wedding but after talking to jeanne today, i do really feel a lot more at peace having a straight convo with her. below is what i currently plan to say as it's been getting harder and harder to keep this "secret covered."

dear sophie,

hey girl! so, i want to preface this by saying youre allowed to react or decide to demote me or anything you want to do. that's your perogative.

um, i feel that we haven't been as close lately and a bit like we've been outgrowing each other for some time. i still value you a lot as a friend and enjoy talking about all our shared interests but ive been realizing that that isnt enough to fulfill me anymore. i think a part of me had always hoped or believed that if we just spend enough time together or being friends, our friendship would naturally deepen and we'd be able to get to a point where we're more freely vulnerable with one another and while we've had moments, that overall just never really happened. which is okay and i respect your boundaries and everything. im just realizing it's something that i really crave. and because of that, i dont feel as inclined to invest as much into our friendship anymore. im still totally cool hanging out and playing games every so often when possible but i think i need to find and cultivate a friendship that can fulfill me in this way.

i feel like thats a pretty good point to end on and allow her to respond. and if she responds asking why she cant just play that role for me and tries to point out how she already has, then i'd say:

i started thinking more seriously about this over the past month. i think the idea has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while but i never knew what words to put to my thoughts until more recently. but i feel that our hangouts were more mutual at one point but for a long time now, it feels as though i've been initiating our hangouts a lot more than you do. in general, i feel as though i reach out to you to check in and ask how youre doing and offer support and dont feel that reciprocated as much. i just feel like a back-up friend in your life and not actually very prioritized. like, if theres a last minute event, im a good person to ask to join. but to actually just hangout with, it doesnt really feel like a time is being allotted to spend with me. im the eternal +1 but not the actual invited 1.

im okay hanging out at your place and i started initiating for that a lot because youre such a homebody and i just chalked it up to if i want to hangout with sophie, it has to be at her home bc she wont have the energy to trek it over to me. but honestly, it does actually bother me that we rarely ever hangout at my place. it feels like im constantly making the trek to you but the effort isnt reciprocated. and i get some weeks are harder than others and you just really dont have the energy to travel and i get it. but we really only ever go to my place for our friendiversaries and thats kind of it.

i dont want our friendship to just depend on me.

in general, ive noticed a pattern over time and i just dont feel supported in the way i need by you many times. im okay volunteering information about my life sometimes but not all the time. the burden then always weighs on me. i just wanted to be asked how im doing. which you do do at times and i appreciate it every time. but, idk. it always feels a little... awkward? tense? weird? like even when i share honestly and vulnerably whats going on in my head at the given time, it doesnt feel like you actually really care. theres such minimal follow up in both in the moment and after the fact. no questions asking for more details or how to help me feel supported or check-ins on updates on the situation weeks later. it feels like you grabbed onto my sister's frustration over her trash bf and thats it.

and ive come to terms with the fact that maybe this is just your personality and thats fine. if you arent really the type to ask follow up questions or check in over time, thats perfectly okay! it's just, i think i need that in my life with someone i dedicate so much time and energy to.

again, im more than happy to continue to be your friend but maybe not "best friends"? we just arent that close anymore and i dont really see that changing anytime soon. im happy to still be a part of your wedding, if youll have me, but i also understand if this changes things.

i hope youre able to receive my intentions well.

thank you for listening and im sorry for everything.

jess oh

[jess-oh]

day 2

okay! day 2 back to journaling! it is thursday and i am so excited that i finally get to sleep in and just chill out tomorrow! this week was pretty busy and sometimes a little rough but im almost at the end!! yes!!!

i had dinner with elizabeth at honeymoon cafe today and bc i could tell she was so tired, i wanted to cut our convo short so she could go ahead and sleep at home. but we did briefly talk about our spiritual lives at the end and i mentioned how i started journaling again and reread some old posts. it really is so interesting to see where my mind was just a couple years ago. thats such a long time but also doesnt seem that long ago?

I'm 25 years old, almost 26, and at a point where I'm feeling a bit frustrated and at a crossroads. I think I want something to change but I don't yet know in what capacity or exactly how. God, I do really want to pray for guidance from you. I'm still feeling pretty stressed out about my parents' current income status and I also just don't want to have to worry so much about money for myself. I'd like to be able to help Grace out more often or at least to pad her budget enough so she doesn't have to take on 2 jobs. I want her to feel financial freedom and independence and be able to live her own life apart from her mother. i know she feels a sense of responsibility and obligation but i just know she could be doing something so much more fulfilling with her life, instead of feeling as stagnant as she does now. I want her to be abel to have a life like how i've been able to have one of my own.

I want to be able to take staycations or travel multiple times during the year without worrying so much about whether or not I can actually afford to do so. Paying to repair my car was a huge chunk out of my bank account and I really just want to tighten my budget back up again to get my savings up enough to hit my 6 month rainy day fund, extra money for travel, enough money to tithe 10% again, be able to elevate my apartment whenever i want and not having to plan it out so far in advanced, to be able to eat out multiple times a week without going so far over budget(even if i do prefer to cook at home), pay off another one of my loans and generally just get that out of the way in less than 10 years, support my sister's education, be able to get gifts for both family and friends with ease, and finally, to support my parents financially in a meaningful way. it wouldnt even be worth it to send them a measly $10 a month but if i could really make an impact in helping pay off their mortgage or something... or treat them for all their meals whenever i or they visit... that would be really nice. i just want to be a "good" role all around. a "good" daughter, a "good" friend, a "good" sister, etc.

I really aspire to be at Chloe Shih's status of financial stability. I want to be a sugar sis and a sugar friend and a good daughter. I just cant do that yet and if I stay at Freeosk, even though it is really stable and reliable, i wont be able to do that for a really long time. But if i switch jobs, even if it still is in graphic design, i could do that a lot sooner. My goal is to make 6 figures by 30 which is certainly ambitious but especially if I go into UX Design and get a job on the west coast, it feels possible. I just have to negotiate well and excel at my job.

God, I do really think I'm interested in UX Design but also recognize I still have more research to do before fully committing. Actually adding practical case studies to my portfolio would certainly help. Please show me a sign or guide me toward UX Design or a new path entirely. I just know that I feel okay about my current job but know I could excel so much more at something else. I'm just not sure exactly what yet but I would really like to know.

I want to grow as a person and in my identity in Christ. I really do want to get back to you and incorporating you into my life again. It's just going to take a little bit of time before I'm able to get back into the swing of things.

Thank you for all that you have done for me and bringing me to this place and this time in my life now. I really didn't think I would make it this far many times but you've remained so faithful to me in my life and I just want to be faithful to you once more, God. I don't want to feel ashamed of my faith or insecure or self-conscious. I just want to be comforted and feel safe when I'm with you.

Thank you God.

I pray this all in your name,

Amen.

[jess-oh]

what do i title this

Hello, journal!

I dont think I've actually ever reread an entry until today. A part of me was always so afraid of the shame I'd feel of who I used to be. I haven't written here in a while since I realize I kept trying to think my way out of everything which caused a severe disconnect between my heart and my mind but my therapist, Sophia Ou, encouraged me to journal again to process my thoughts but to instead focus on how I feel instead so I'm here to give it a go!

Current update on where I'm at in life. I still live in Chicago on Buena Ave in Buena Park. I started going to Planet Fitness a couple months ago and am still trying to figure out a good schedule between traditional workouts and climbing. I have a new schedule for this week and I feel pretty good about it. It consists of waking up at 6:30am Monday through Thursday where I workout before work Monday through Wednesday, climb after work Wednesday, climb before on Thursday, and after service on Sunday. I'm slowly becoming entirely too busy again. I do really enjoy serving youth group but Cara has been pushing for us, me and Khalid, to be more involved and dedicate more time to the ministry/greater church recently. I already am so busy and have been enjoying having no social plans scheduled during the week. I do my best to give her space to speak and share her ideas but sometimes it's hard to interject and communicate my thoughts and concerns. There's also some semblance of guilt that quietly goes along with it. Who am I to disagree with her stance as it relates to matters of the church when I, myself, am not all right, with God? I just really need to carve out time in my schedule to dedicate to him again. I remember around this time, last year, I was super dedicated to doing daily QTs as I was losing my mind over the potential opportunity of moving to a new city for a Google Fellowship. I have built so much of my life in Chicago and giving that all up for 6 months shook me to my very core. I don't think I was mentally prepared to take that risk then but so much has changed now. I'm not that close with Sophie and Thor anymore, I've been at a new church post Lakeview for a while now, and have generally grown as a person. I hangout with Earl and Gongjoo a lot more now, which has been great, especially getting to play with Ellia! Her first birthday was only a couple months ago! I love her so much!

If the opportunity for a new job arose today, I would still feel hesitant to take it but I feel a lot more prepared now. Thank you for knowing what I needed at that time, God.

Currently, I'm a graphic designer at Freeosk. I've technically been here for 3 years since my hire date but my full time Freeoskiversary is on June 1st. I recently started looking into UX Design and while there is still much research to do before fully making the career jump, I actually feel pretty good about pursuing this path. Even the thought of being able to research and gather data made me feel excited for some internal work on a Freeosk project recently. I need to work on my fear of public speaking and be more comfortable with presenting but I think this feels like a good idea.

God, I pray for guidance as I attempt to navigate my next steps from here. I'm not sure what you have planned for my life and I know I so often rely only on my shoulders but I definitely want to make sure I'm right by you first before actually making any life changing decisions moving forward. I don't yet know what the future holds but I am excited to found out. For once, I am excited for life and what it can bring. I am no longer so afraid of the pain but I am bright-eyed for a brighter future. Please let this future come.

I had a series of unfortunate events happen recently(e.g. scraped car door pretty bad and had to pay 2k for repairs, 2 credit cards and $100 cash stolen from wallet, my dad got laid off and still hasnt found a job in 2 months, my relationship with my sister got tense because of my disproval of her boyfriend, i realized i outgrew my friendship with sophie, and i havent been right with God lately). I've been doing my best to just keep my head held up high and push through but it has admittedly been hard and discouraging. Not yet depressing discouraging but definitely a challenge, nonetheless.

Thank you for all that you have done and will do for my life, God.

I pray this all in your name,

Amen.

#long time no see

[jess-oh]

Satisfied In You QT

Satisfied in You

Psalm 42:1-11

To the choirmaster. A Maskil of the Sons of Korah.

1 As a deer pants for flowing streams,     so pants my soul for you, O God. 2 My soul thirsts for God,    for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? 3 My tears have been my food    day and night, while they say to me all the day long,     “Where is your God?” 4 These things I remember,    as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng     and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise,     a multitude keeping festival.

5 Why are you cast down, O my soul,    and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,     my salvation 6 and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;     therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,     from Mount Mizar. 7 Deep calls to deep    at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves     have gone over me. 8 By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,    and at night his song is with me,     a prayer to the God of my life. 9 I say to God, my rock:    “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning     because of the oppression of the enemy?” 10 As with a deadly wound in my bones,    my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long,     “Where is your God?”

11 Why are you cast down, O my soul,    and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,     my salvation and my God.

Heyyy y'alllll!

So! About a year ago(wow, it's already been a year, huh?), I listened to the song "Satisfied in You(Psalm 42)" by The Sing Team A LOT. I was going through a pretty hard time, just trying to figure out how to move forward in light of recent traumatic events that had recently transpired. I was hurt. I was scared. I was confused. I felt lost. But even more than the pain of having to move forward in life with the memories of those events, I felt hurt and betrayed by God. I didn't understand why I did wrong what I did to deserve so much pain and anguish. Every year, something "extreme" has happened in my life and every year, I did my best to remind myself of when it was good and just move on. But after those particular incidents occurred, I couldn't bring myself to just let go, trust, and move on anymore. I listened to that song on repeat because I found comfort in the despair. Knowing that someone else in the Bible understood at least to some extent my pain. And I just kept focusing on that as I continued to wallow and fall deeper into my own depression.

It's been a year since then and mentally and relationally, I'm doing much better. And yet, as I near the end of my college career with each passing day, I can't help but once again reflect on the pains of the past 4 years. And how relevant this passage still seems to feel, though it is now in a slightly different light.

In verses 1-2, the psalmist begins by declaring their desperation for God. Which is true. I do acknowledge my own need and desperation for God. I've failed and fallen short so many times and felt as if the world was ending and yet, my eyes have always turned back to Christ. Because in my desperation, in my lowest of lows, it is always revealed to me just how little I have in this world but how Christ is everything. It is the same kind of need and desperation that is on par with that of a deer needing to drink from a river. When you're thirsty, your throat physically hurts. The only thing that can quench it and get rid of the pain is water. Even the line, "When shall I come and appear before God?" serves great importance. For the Sons of Korah, it was mustering up the effort to go to the temple. For me, it's something as simple as choosing to pray to Him throughout the week.

Verse 3 is pretty straightforward. It speaks into the level of mourning and anguish in the analogy of tears serving as something to eat as a result of feeling so far from God. [see Numbers 16 for more context on Korah] And it doesn't help being constantly surrounded by people that question my faith. I attend a super liberal school and though I am no longer physically around my peers, I do still communicate with them the most during the week. And usually, things are fine but every now and then, someone will bring up the topic of Christianity and just go on and on about how ---

{i’ll finish this later}

#pslams 42 #the sing team

[jess-oh]

reflection

i think jason and i both just care so much to the point where it’s overwhelming and we dont always know how to handle it

jason is the type of person to be walking forward with a group of people but he will always stop and look behind. he’ll actually walk back and offer a hand and help them get back on their feet, no matter who they are. and he’ll help them walk forward and bring them to the rest of his friends, welcoming them into the community and making them not feel so alone.  and sometimes it goes great and people come and other times they dont. and then it was a waste of time to go back for someone that didnt want help at all. he sacrificed his time for nothing. thats probably why he was always so upset when i denied his help.

i am the type of person that will go out of their way to help someone hurting or in pain. I will run into a busy traffic street and I won’t care at all that I might get hit by a car or be seriously injured bc my eyes are set on helping that one person. even if i end up arriving to them in shambles myself, i will still help. because i care so much more about helping them than i do about the toll it’ll take on me it’s sacrificial for me bc im putting myself in harm’s way bc i just care so much about the other person.

and sometimes, we both just end up getting hurt. the other person doesnt always want or accept our help even tho we just sacrificed so much to be there for them

#reflection

[jess-oh]

i also 

ive been avoiding talking to rachel about my depression symptoms and worries bc i know shes going through some struggles rn too and i just wanted to be there for her to support her and encourage her and guide her through it all.

i wanted to try and be a big sister figure for her.

but we are partners ultimately and i think i need her as much as she needs me.

so maybe i should be more honest and open and transparent with her soon.

whos know, maybe itll help our relationship.

i do want to have open doors for her and for her to know that she can always talk to me anytime

maybe sharing my own story would help

[jess-oh]

prayer

hey God,

it’s been a while. i guess a part of me is afraid to say these things aloud in fear that claire might hear me. i would rather be alone.

i think there are a lot of factors concerning my relationship with you. I know when I was in Turkey, I had full faith in you and really witnessed and experienced you move. I felt so much of your pain and how much your heart breaks for your people that do not know you. i had full trust in you.

a few days later, i went to cross conference and felt incredibly convicted and cried and cried bc of the amount of guilt i felt. i prayed to you and you answered in a way that only you could. i gained clarity and was determined to properly equip myself before returning for a year. which is something that i still want to do.

but after the drive by happened only a couple weeks later, i felt incredibly hurt, broken, afraid, traumatized, helpless, and betrayed.

even now, the biggest thing on my heart is why. why god. i dont understand why you continue to put me through so much pain. what did i do so wrong to deserve so much suffering. if you really loved me, why would you purposefully put me through so much? i feel like my life is a living hell. there are times when i really genuinely hate being alive bc it just feels like too much pain. i cant take it. i would rather die and cease to exist than to go another day feeling such a heavy weight in my chest.

i want to get over it. i really do. and i am starting to accept that sometimes life just sucks and we just have to accept it as it is and move on. and ive started to move on from the fact that these things even came into existence. but i am still so upset that it was God that put me through this. i dont understand. i really truly dont understand. i want to understand but i dont. the actual experience isnt so bad anymore but the weight that these two events have carried haunts me to this day. and i cant take it anymore. i cant. i honestly really cant. God please. Why. I really just don’t understand why. 

I am in so much pain and suffering and you did this to me and I cant even begin to understand why. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to please you and glorify you and live my life for you and it feels like instead of a reward, im being punished with this awful sinking hole inside my chest that i can never seem to escape.

i want to be better. i do.

i just dont know how or what to do anymore.

it’s been a while since my depression lingered and has stayed with me. i just cant seem to find the motivation to actually do my work and stay focused and be studious. if anything, i want to do so in order to honor and please my grandparents. it’s the least i can do to help them during this trying time.

did i push people away?

i know i started to keep secrets and didnt trust them as much and isolated myself to just suffer alone which is probably what made everything even harder and even worse in my own mind.

i dont want to fight this battle alone anymore. and i am really grateful and glad that i have jeanne to help me but

i do wish i wasnt alone here. which is partly my fault for not being more open and willing to share my current struggles and problems.

but i wish more people would reach out to me to check up and see how im doing. which i guess is also my fault for not being totally honest about how much pain i am in. 

sigh.

and i dont know if it’s just me in my own head or what but whenever i am at church on sundays or retreats or lockins or whatever else, i always feel really self conscious. that im too loud or im going to expose myself by crying and really falling on my knees before God. I’m too afraid to take that risk.

im too afraid to really go before God honestly bc im afraid Claire or someone else is going to hear me and judge me.

but in the grand scheme of things, why do i really care what she thinks or anyone else? this life is so temporary and i do genuinely enjoy being at lakeview. i think people do genuinely care and love me and i do work really hard to be involved and to make a name for myself. and i think if news came out that i had killed myself, i think people would be shocked and affected.

but at least as of right now, im too afraid to really reach out for help. i dont know how theyll react or what theyll say or how their perception of me would change. i do want to seek therapy but i dont think i even fully understand what im feeling or going through. i dont even know what i would tell them.

i do want to worship God genuinely instead of feeling like im just saying a bunch of empty words over and over again. I want to actually believe the words im saying. 

it did feel nice singing that turkish song on labor day

and living hope strung a chord with me too.

i just dont feel like i can truly praise Him anymore. I don’t think I can truly praise you anymore, God. Because I don’t believe the words I’m saying. I’m not totally convinced that I love you this much that im willing to dedicate my life to you. and really believe you are worthy of all this praise when i feel so betrayed.

but, i need to go work on my homework now.

but at least i do feel a little better after writing this.

real quick before i forget,

To Amanda-

hey amanda. honestly, a part of me is glad that you decided to break up with johnathan bc it had such a negative impact on me. i felt like i had been replaced by him. you were always hanging out with him and i now know that it was actually just exhausting for you to be that social but i felt hurt. i always just gave you your space when you needed it and chalked that off to your personality and believed you wouldnt take the time to hangout with anyone multiple times a week or anything. but then i saw and heard about you hanging out with johnathan constantly and it made me feel like i had been replaced and i just wasnt worth hanging out with. i didnt give you enough for you to want to hangout with me more. i wasnt worth it but he was. all of a sudden, it seemed like you and him were really close and you didnt need me anymore. 

and i know you generally dont reach out for help and hermit unless prompted but. i felt like i lost you. and because of that, i distanced myself from you and even when i was going through tough things, i didnt always tell you anymore.

but i never told you that this was how i felt bc i didnt want you to break up with him bc of how i felt. bc i didnt know if i didnt want you guys together bc i saw the negative effects it was having on you or bc i just felt upset about losing you specifically myself.

this is actually how i felt before with jason and angela too. i wanted to tell jason that i didnt think their relationship would last and it was a bad idea but i wasnt sure if i wanted to tell him that bc i liked jason or bc i genuinely cared for them both and didnt think it was a good idea. so i didnt say anything at all.

and they ended up breaking up anyway.

and the same for you. 

even though i didnt say anything, you guys ended up breaking up anyway. which i kinda thought might happen. 

and i dont know if it was right of me to stay shut or if i shouldve spoken up but this is how i feel. and i didnt want to say anything until after you guys had officially broken up.

but im sorry.

i also feel like it shifted our dynamics and changed a lot. like tbh, i was salty towards you indirectly about jasons graduation. bc i know jason was close to johnathan and pjosh. but i knew you guys were never that close. i was more hurt that i wasnt invited but you were out of proxy of being johnathan’s girlfriend bc i knew jason and i were closer than you and him. and yet, he invited you instead of me.

and i was hurt.

#prayer

[jess-oh]

Perfect Day

On my perfect day 5 years from now, the sun would shine down on my face through the window next to my bed and pleasantly wake me up early in the morning. The smell of seawater comforts me as I sit upright, stretch my arms, and begin preparing for the day. There’s not a single stress or worry in my mind. 

I stand up from my mattress and begin making my bed. Not because I’m expected to but because starting the day off with a clean, organized room makes me feel in control and at peace. Everything in my room is pastel. I have past letters hanging on my wall from different people in my life that wrote me loving, encouraging words. Just knowing they exist and are present brings me peace. I exit my bedroom and enter the rest of my large one story apartment. The floor all throughout my apartment is dark hardwood. Except for the bathroom which has white tiles all along the floor and walls. I have an extra room for future guests that might stay with me in the future. The sun from outside brings natural light into my apartment—peering in through large glass sliding doors that take up an entire wall as well as through the large windows placed all around the kitchen. I stand in awe and satisfaction of the apartment I’m able to afford and the aesthetic I’ve been able to cultivate through my furniture, paint, choice of location, and layout.

I head back into my bedroom to pick out my outfit for the day. After selecting my pieces, I carry my clothes to the bathroom. I first take my morning piss, then proceed to close the toilet bowl and lay my clothes on top of it so that they don’t get wet from my shower. I then enter my shower which is in a bathtub that is planted on the ground. I close the curtains and go through my process. First I shampoo, then I use my bodywash while the shampoo sits in my hair, then I rinse everything and finish it off by running my fingers through my hair with conditioner. Then, I pull back the curtains all the way so that the tub is exposed and mold doesn’t form. I grab my towel, dry off, twirl my hair in the towel, and begin brushing my teeth. After that, I take off my towel, fold and hang it on the rack, and put on a headband to take care of my skin with whatever products I’m using at the time. Once I finish that, I put on my clothes, flush the toilet, lift up the toilet seat cover, check back to make sure everything is in order, and leave the bathroom.

Then, I would open my backyard door through the sliding glass door to outside. My house is planted right on the beach. I walk outside barefoot, close the door, and take a deep breath of fresh air for the first time today. I walk closer to the ocean and plant my butt on the sand and just enjoy the moment. I breath in the familiar smell of seawater and feel the grains of sand run through my fingers. I can see so much of the sky. It’s still pretty early so it’s hard to look up and see the sun. But there are no overly large buildings, billboards, or anything else obstructing my view from the sky. It’s so blue.

After a while, I get up and head back in. I dust off the sand off my body before re-entering my home. Sand is always a pain to clean. I’m spending the day with some friends today. We have a general idea of what to do but we’re all totally open to just going through the day as it carries us. I’m actually not sure how I would get there but I think I would like to be surprised. I’m not expecting to do anything today besides to just chill and draw, read, play the ukulele or something else. But as I re-enter my home, I am greeted by the sound of 3 knocks coming from my front door. I turn around to close my glass door and begin heading to the front. I am pleasantly surprised to see my closest friends at this time all happily awaiting my presence. They yell, “Surprise!” and I smile in surprise and joy. I feel so loved. From there, one person drives their car with the rest of us inside. It’s a full car of five! I sit in the back in the middle of all my friends and we all talk endlessly about whatever is happening at the moment. I ask about how they put this together and why and they joyously respond that they just wanted to take the time to show their love and appreciation for me by taking me out that day and were genuinely so happy it was something that they could plan and put together. I feel so loved and there’s no question or doubt in my mind that I can trust these people with my life. As we continue to talk, I never have to worry about how I appear or presenting myself. I am just happy to be present with people that genuinely love and adore me. 

We arrive at our first location and get brunch at a nice restaurant together. There’s a parking spot right in front of the restaurant and it’s free. We got lucky and don’t have to pay! And even luckier that we didn’t even have to spend time looking for somewhere to park! I order eggs benedict on top of 2 english muffins, sausage, and an overeasy egg on the side. Everyone orders what they want and we all leave fully satisfied with our food. I assume we will all be splitting our meals and get ready to pull out my card when the bill comes. My friends confess that they already all pitched in a set amount of money for all my meals for the day so I never have to worry about paying. I’m touched by how considerate they are and try to insist that I take them all out to eat to a really nice restaurant sometime in the future. They teasingly try to decline my offer but I insist and they eventually give in. We all laugh at the bit.

We begin driving again and continue our endless conversations in the car. No one feels left out. Even the driver is well included. We’re all just so happy to be there with each other. We head to an arcade place like Dave & Buster’s. It’s a parking lot this time and we’re able to find a place close to the front. My friends pay for my coins as well as their own and we begin doing our own thing throughout the area. I get to spend time individually with each friend at different games. We rejoice together when we do surprisingly well at games or get really lucky and the machine spits out tickets. I get to catch up with them and see how they’re doing mentally. Regardless of what they say, I am just happy to be able to be there for them. We have a sense of respect and love for each other. We both know we would gladly drop everything to be there for the other person with no questions asked. We spend time just talking and take a break from playing games. I don’t have to worry about taking care of any one person. I know they can all fend for themselves and we’re all close enough that they can mingle with each other and have the type of relationship that’s the same as me with them. We’re all collectively close together. I don’t feel the pressure of being the glue that holds the group together. Individually, we’re all very close with each other. After a while, we rejoin at the front counter and present our tickets to the worker. We were all able to earn a good amount of tickets on our own and receive great prizes. Each souvenir perfectly makes sense for each person. I get a large plush that I’ve always wanted to win. It’s surprisingly well made.

We then head back into the car with our new prizes and drive to our favorite korean barbecue restaurant. We found parking right in front of the restaurant and head inside. We tell the server that we are a party of 5. They check the tables available real quick before looking up and smiling, stating that they actually have a table available. We follow the server into the restaurant and pass by many bustling parties, full of people having fun together. Loud conversations over the sound of cooking fill the air. The smell of meat begins to make us feel even hungrier and excited to eat such good food. We finally get to our table. I slide into the booth because I never have to pee that often and I know my friends will need to use the restroom more than me. We order 2 plates of chadolbaegi first and begin eating that, taking turns cooking so no one person is feeding everyone else and stressed about cooking. We then order 2 plates of samgyupsal, our favorite. Just as we finish our first round, the second plates of meat come out. We continuously eat without thinking about how much it is or the affects it’ll have on us in the future. We all go for the different banchan and salad on the side. The banchan includes kimchi, kkakdugi, muk, corn melted with cheese, potato salad, and cheese fondue. We then order 3 bowls of geramjim and share that while continuing to eat meat. We follow that up with 2 plates of marinated pork and enjoy cooking that. We order 1 plate of kalbi, closely followed by 1 plate of the wagyu beef and take our time savoring each bite. It’s the best thing we’ve ever eaten. We have to enjoy the moment. We then finish by eating the rest of our egg and ask for the check. I’m reassured and at peace that my friends are willing to pay for my portion of the bill too. The server comes and takes our check away and brings us each a scoop of green tea ice cream to wash down the taste of meat. 

After that, we head to our favorite boba spot. We have to walk a little bit since it’s in the plaza but it doesn’t matter. We’re just happy to be in each other’s presence. We play Chinese checkers, jenga, cards, and other games the shop has available. While we play, we continue to talk about anything and everything, all while getting really invested into the game and feel determined to win. After a few hours, we head back to the car and drive to our favorite karaoke spot. We book a room together and head into a dimly lit room and just sing our hearts out. There’s no judgment of song choice or how we sound. In all honesty, we all probably sound pretty terrible but in our own minds we sound amazing. Our sangs range from early 2000s punk to full on showtunes to songs from the 1960s to Disney and everything else in between. We’re just having a good time together without a care in the world. We aren’t thinking about tomorrow or what responsibilities we have to take care of next or anything else. We are present, living in the moment, are just so happy to exist right at that point in time. 

After a couple hours, we end the night on a high note with “Livin’ On a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, pay our bill, and finally head home. My friend drives us all back to my place where everyone’s car is located. I say goodbye to everyone, watching them drive away safely and remind them to let me know when they get home. After seeing the last car drive away, I turn around, enter my home, and close the door. I lock it and head back to my bedroom on the other side of my apartment. I open the door, change into my pajamas, brush my teeth, and flop onto my mattress face flat. It’s bouncy enough to bounce a bit and carry my weight. I turn around and look up at my ceiling, reflecting on what an amazing, perfect day it had been. I smile, turn off my lights from my bed, get underneath the blankets, tightly hug my body pillow, close my eyes, and sleep.

This is my perfect day.

#perfect day

[jess-oh]

reflection

hi journal,

ive been doing some thinking and

i think i’ve avoided whats happened to me for long enough.

i witnessed a drive by shooting and was nearly shot and killed myself. i was too afraid to go outside for a few days. a part of me is now always afraid that any random car could suddenly start shooting and just like that, i could die. i could be pierced with excruciating pain. anything can happen and i just never know anymore. my life is out of my hands.

my roommate had a bad LSD trip and i ended up being on the main receiving end of it. she told me i was drowning and laughed as she tried to choke me. she hit me. she pushed me. she pulled me. she threw a soda can at my head. she broke our dishes. she used my knife to cut herself. she wasn’t okay. she was someone i saw as a younger sister and tried to take care of her. she was a stranger in that moment. her eyes were didn’t. she felt no remorse. she didn’t remember what she did the next day. i was afraid i would die. in the moment, i just kept praying desperately to God for Him to protect her and keep her safe. i was scared when she went to the ER and so desperately wanted her to be okay. and she was. and she got better. but im still left scarred, alone, and afraid. 

i hate that these things happened to me this past year. i hate that it’s been 5-7 months later and i still feel so much pain. i hate that i can barely tell these stories without breaking down into tears and feeling the overwhelming amount of pain all over again. i dont want to feel like this anymore.

and ive been avoiding it.

i havent wanted to admit that these things really happened. that i just have to accept it, face it, feel everything, and move on. i dont want to tell my parents and i havent bc im too afraid of how they would react. i dont want them to yell at me for not having told them sooner. i dont want them to know this horrible thing that has happened and immediately judge chicago and make me come back home to california. i dont want to admit that this happened to them bc then theres really no escaping or denying the reality of the situation.

ive been avoiding therapy. because i know the moment i sign up for therapy and actually go and have to verbally work through my issues with another person and actively attend therapy sessions, i cant deny it. theres no running away from it anymore. a part of me has avoided it bc im afraid theyll give me an answer or a way to move on thats aside from God. but im starting to feel desperate enough to try anything at this point.

and most importantly,

ive been avoiding telling God about all this. And I am so sorry God.

But it is so excruciating to think about and dwell on for even a moment and I just can’t deal or face it. I’m too afraid. It’s too much. The pain is overwhelming. I feel like I can’t trust you anymore because what if it happens again? What if I feel so helpless and out of control and lose my life in an instant again? And it probably will. And I don’t understand why and I probably never will.

I don’t want to admit to God that this has happened and I hate that it did and I wish—I so wish that I knew why but I can’t. Because I’m too afraid. Because every time I have cried over this, I restricted my emotions and tears and never let it go the full length. even at the servant retreat when i really felt like God was speaking to me and reminding me that even when I’m not faithful and feel like I can’t trust Him anymore, He still is faithful and by my side and waiting patiently for me to come back home. I stopped myself from really going deeper with Him. Partly because I was afraid of other people hearing me. Partly because I was afraid of being judged by others. And partly because I just didn’t want to come to terms with it yet and actually admit and accept what happened.

I know what I need to do to solve this. I’ve always known. I’m just too afraid to do it.

All I need to do is to just pray to God and confess to Him everything running through my mind. To be totally unfiltered and allow myself feel everything that I’ve been avoiding for so long. To rely on Him for strength and guidance. And to finally, come back home to Him. To accept that this happened and be honest about it, let go, and move on. 

I do know why He put me through this. It’s to make me depend on Him again.

He’s tried to make me do that so many times but I am just so incredibly stubborn and have refused every time. Instead, I looked to myself to be my own strength and carry myself to move on.

But ultimately, I need Him.

Judging others for not being “vulnerable” enough and therefore being a “bad” environment for me to be vulnerable and honest with God is such BS. When I prayed for Dana and really felt the Father’s heart, I didn’t care who heard me. All I cared about was seeking and serving Him. And that was the last retreat we had and honestly, it was one of my favorite. 

I’m tired of holding onto the past.

It’s time to let go.

When I confessed to Elsa and Songbee that I felt the tears coming during that one praise song but chose instead to focus on taking pictures instead, Elsa asked if that was something I did often/why I chose to do that. And I just shrugged it off and said I don’t think I normally do but maybe I do? When in actuality, it really was just bc I was avoiding dealing with it. But I need to.

I really do.

So I can finally move on and be rid of this pain. Forever.

Or at least for a while.

I don’t want to suddenly break down crying anymore. I don’t want to have this heavy weight in my heart all the time anymore.

i want to finally let go and move on.

please God.

i just hope i can.

thank you.

i pray this all in your name,

Amen.

#reflection

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

it’s been a while. haha.

i just read some old journal entries i wrote the summer before leaving for Chicago for the first time and it was pretty interesting! I totally forgot I even tried to journal each day even back then. I wonder how that me would feel seeing me as I am now. Not totally grown and not as mature or far along as I might’ve liked. But someone that did go through a lot and is still standing today.

I... play the victim mentality. A lot. I’m also incredibly selfish!

For so long, I didn’t understand why Chicago became such a fire show. I thought I was so confident and all cool and good back in California and had reached a place where I felt super confident and aware of myself but boY WAS I WRONG. I WASNT THERE AT ALL! I constantly struggled with feeling like a burden back in California so it’s no surprise that that just followed me to Chicago! LOL.

I think I really need to learn who to receive well. By being genuinely grateful and never taking anything for granted. I think a part of me likes to serve all the time bc I never have to worry that I’m actually being selfish bc im doing such a selfless thing. I think I am actually smart and don’t give myself the benefit of the doubt a lot of the times. It’s not that I fail a lot in the areas in which I fall short. It’s moreso that I am so incredibly hard myself for not being able to do a better job that I end up just never moving forward and never get any better. Which discourages me even more. Which causes me to do worse. And the cycle continues over and over and over again. 

I want to do so much. I want to be that perfect friend that always knows what to say and has all the right answers and the truth of the matter is, im not. im not perfect and i still have a long way to grow. im still trying to figure myself out now by understanding my strengths and weaknesses. i have gotten in my head a lot by focusing on just the areas where i lack. im constantly trying to compensate for something or another. I try so hard in school and do my best to maintain a high GPA bc i failed in high school. And even though I do have a good GPA, I can’t help but feel immense shame and failure when i look back at where i was in high school. a lot of time has passed since then and a lot has happened. ive grown and gone through some tough stuff and im still somehow still standing here today. ive learned that grades really arent everything in the face of life. And yet, I can’t confess that I only went to Columbia College Chicago bc it was the only school I got into. That I failed almost all the AP classes I took. That I didn’t even pass any of the exams. That I ended up graduating with a 2.9 GPA weight and probably more like 2.6 unweighted. I feel so much shame that I am always too afraid to just be honest and unapologetically me about it. 

i still feel on edge being home. it went well at first and im doing my best to just be a good steward and a good daughter/sister for my family. i had a fairly deep and insightful conversation with my sister this morning. i got to watch a movie and learn more about my mom today. ive been doing my best to not be bitter but to just instead be grateful and present in the moment. i got to talk to my dad last night when he drove me home from the airport and actually offered to buy me in n out. i was even surprised when my mom agreed to watch a movie with me today. and i was more surprised when she was actually willing to spend over $100 on me today at uniqlo just so i have more clothes. i was really timid in asking and was afraid she would immediately say no and question why i even thought to bother asking at all. 

but i am really stressed and on edge. im afraid that my sister is going to tell me im being annoying and talking too much so im trying to be aware of how much i talk and what i say so as to not get on her nerves. im afraid of eating too much food and my mom calling me fat or there being another miscommunication like my junior year and shit just hitting the roof and everything going down the hole. i really dont want that to happen again and im doing my best to keep open communication and pretend like everything is fine and pretend to be chill and calm and normal and fine when i am definitely not. 

a part of me wants to reach out to pjosh and ask how he thinks ive grown this past year. i know he believes i have and maybe i just want to hear it from him rn for my own sanity and to feel validated and know that i have done some good even if i cant see it right now. but i also dont want to be so dependent and clingy and reliant on him. i do want to do my best to just take this time back home to really process and reflect and re-evaluate my life so i can come back stronger than ever to chicago when i do eventually return. sigh. i do really want to do a good job.

at least im pretty happy with how i left things in chicago! i did feel present and like i was a part of the community monday night with the other movement kids. i was happy. and i was pretty nervous to post a “see you later! have a great summer” post in our chat but ended up just going for it anyway and actually got some positive responses from people im not even very close to. i was happy. im glad i got to hangout with them one last time before leaving.  and i was really happy when david made an effort to greet me and side hug me when he got to my apartment ^_^ im really glad we’re on good terms again.

no wonder people didnt like me for so long. i was so bitter and in my own head about everything for so long and couldnt let go of it bc it had become my identity. i just constantly carried around negative energy wherever i went. 

but i do want to do better.

and, i want to get back with God. I’ve been too afraid to so far. I think in large part bc im worried about how other people view me or going too far or losing my community or what i do have now. but i think the solution to all my problems and how to get back on track with God is to simply be present and honest and vulnerable with Him. It’s to allow myself to feel everything ive been denying/avoiding. It’s to let myself cry free of judgment. It’s to just be present and here and with God and intentional and deliberate in the space I have with Him. It’s to just be.

and i hope i can get there. 

please God.

i pray this all in your name,

amen.

#reflection

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey journal,

i got some things to get off my chest.

ummmm. theres a lot on my mind i guess.

it feels kind of weird having a roommate after not having one for so long but it makes me happy to know someone else is home when i do. it’s easy to talk to her or just choose to go straight to my room after a long day. i am happy to have claire here.

amanda decided to stay in st louis for another week and a part of me is hurt that she didnt think to tell me. ive just been trying to give her space after she didnt respond to me last time. i just assumed she was busy and i really do want her to be able to rest back at home and just be with her family. i think i would want to do the same in california so ive been doing my best to just keep some distance between myself and her. i do miss her though. 

i was really happy i was able to be there for her with the whole ICP thing but when wookie casually mentioned how she went to an ICP event recently for the BTJ tour, i felt a little betrayed. did she lie to me? i thought she hadnt spoken or interacted with any of them in almost a year. why would she keep that from me? 

ive also slowly been slowly getting involved with ICP again just by hanging out with Wookie again on Wednesdays and getting to meet new people. a part of me feels like im betraying Lakeview for doing so but i dont want to let them go. 

ive also been doing my best to keep some distance between myself and johnathan&jason. i think i was too clingy and desperate in the past. tho, surprisingly, johnathan recently reached out to me and asked to go climbing together. i agreed and we’re set to hangout on friday which i am excited about. but we dont usually have much to talk about so....we’ll see how it goes i guess! ive been trying to think of things to ask him bc i noticed that he wont share more information than whats absolutely necessary. maybe i can ask him more about how israel is and maybe challenges that arose? we’ll see!?

i really hope the best for him and amanda. tbh, i think i was both of them at one point in my life. too serious and couldnt take a joke. too insecure and just wanted to please everyone. now im here. depressed and just struggling how to move on from here. 

while talking to elizabeth and skylar recently, i was wondering if maybe the reason it’s so hard for me to talk to people at church is bc the people at school are usually a lot more willing to share than those at church? so it feels like im trying a lot harder to carry the conversation bc people expect to be served when they first come to lakeview. 

BUT, i gotta humble myself! bc i was really no better when i first came. and theres nothing to be gained by being “better” anyway.

i really miss old MAST and the meetings we had. i didnt think i would miss everything and everyone so much. it makes me feel sad how much everything is changing. tho i am slowly starting to learn how to let go. esp since jason, johnathan, and amanda have been gone for a while. and ive been pretty distant with pjosh lately too. i just want to allow him to rest during this summer and have fun and relax. he deserves it after such a stressful year. and i do really want to help and support him and make his job easier as much as i can.

im done receiving. i want to help now.

i am excited to be able to hangout with johnathan one on one for once tho. i wonder why he wanted to hangout. maybe bc he knows his time is limited and wants to spend make the most of his time still in chicago with the people he cares about? who knows.

maybe pjosh tipped him off since i asked to meet up with pjosh this week and he couldnt. i do still definitely want to tell pjosh that im thinking of moving to SF. and the more i research, the more right it feels. it pretty much just feels like im planning for my future at this point. but another part of me really doesnt want to leave chicago. i would probably cry a lot on my last day with everyone here. i dont want to say goodbye. i love so many people here so much. i dont want to leave. and at the end of the day, it is my choice but a part of me feels like i have to let go and move on from this part of my life. as much as it sucks and as much as i dont want to, it feels like something i just need to do. sigh.

maybe i’ll ask johnathan what people in NorCal usually do and try to incorporate that into my SF schedule.

i wonder if he’ll ask if i was upset or avoided him before. bc he was more active in talking with me, idk if he picked up on it. i think im okay with telling him i was just upset with them both not bc of anything they had necessarily done but just bc seeing them two just told me that they were moving on and i felt like i was being left behind. which, i talked it through with amanda and felt exponentially better after our conversation. i didnt realize they had talked about the spaces they had cultivated and wanting to keep it the same even tho they were entering into a relationship together. and i could see that and i do appreciate that. but, a part of me will always kinda feel like a third wheel with them. i know they probably wont be super coupley or lovey dovey around me but i will still very clearly know that theyre in a relationship together. that they’re each other’s go to person now. it isnt me anymore for amanda and i never was that person for johnathan. but things change and i’ll always know we wont ever be that close again or anymore. it kinda hurts but im learning to just accept, let go, and move on.

for a long time, my greatest fear was dealing with the fact that no matter how hard i try or how much work i put in, my best will never be good enough. but, after feeling hopeless over my inability to change the hearts of NU students and giving it to God and just trusting in Him in the process instead, it did give me a pretty great sense of relief.

my coping mechanism is to isolate myself. to take a step back and run away and just try and deal with the problem on my own. the reason i became so clingy and latched onto the seniors this past year was because i was so shocked when they actually responded positively and wanted to help me. i didnt know how to properly react to that because it felt so foreign. and i guess i just became too much. even now, i always think about self harming myself or just not telling people how i feel for long periods of time and them finding out by some accident and me feeling so much shame and crying out, “i am so sorry! you were never supposed to find out! you were never supposed to know about this!” sigh.

i guess i have pretty self destructive behavior, haha.

it’s just easier to deal with by myself w/o the variables of other people. not having to worry if im talking too much or being too selfish or this or that. if im the only one trying to solve it, i only have to worry about myself making out on the other side alive.

maybe thats why i want to kill myself so often haha.

i am really stressed out about this whole andrew and sofia thing and i really dont know what to do. a part of me wants to share the gospel with andrew and hopefully rely on God to help him overcome his addiction but if i myself do not currently have a stable faith, what right do i have to share this with him when i know i’ll be questioned and persecuted for it.

but i really dont know what the right course of action is to take now. i think i would’ve been better equipped to answer in the past but now my life just feels like it’s in disarray and i dont know what to do anymore.

i think leaving chicago for a while will be good for me tho. just being able to get away and relax from everyone. i think it’ll help me get a more clear mind. hopefully. hopefully i wont just be stressed over my grandpa and this whole breakup thing the whole time. ugh. i really dont mean to be selfish but i do wish i could just go home and rest and not have to worry about anything! really! sigh.

but anyway, God, i give this to you. im also really hoping that somehow at sa-rang, i can come back to you and be reminded of you are in my life. i feel like i’ve grown so far away from you and it’s become so much more about living in fear and not sharing too much in fear of scaring people away but craving intimacy. i hope i can find that back home at sa-rang, even with all my fears and insecurities regarding that place. 

thank you.

i feel nervous but im doing my best to just trust in you and through this process.

#reflection

[jess-oh]

reflection

yknow what i want

i want to have a friend out here in chicago

to whom i can just tell anything and everything to without ever worrying that it’s just a burden. 

and i know logically that people do genuinely care for me

but im so tired of always being the first to initiate everything

whether thats just talking or hanging out or planning something. i want other people to come up to me and want me for me.

honestly, david’s texts and phone calls always make my day and make me feel so much better bc it makes me feel so wanted. and he is so genuinely sweet and i know he means it. he really likes me for me. my bluntness, my personality, my wit, my jokes. i dont feel like i have to cover those things up when im with so many of my friends from back home. hearing their encouragement and words of affirmation and things they see in me and genuinely love and admire about me makes me feel so loved and gives me the strength and motivation to carry on. and i know, it’s partly my fault for being so gosh darn independent out here, but i would like for people to i guess take better care of me.

a part of the reason i struggle so much with resting here is bc i feel like i genuinely cant. i dont have a choice in the matter.

but maybe it’s just bc im homesick

but i do just want to be selfish and comfortable and talk to people to whom i trust and love and i know 100% love me too.

im so tired of feeling constantly criticized. im so tired of always feeling on edge and having my insecurities pointed out. not really. i dont think people really do that to me. but i do feel constantly watched and like i have to do a good job or do this or that and please everyone bc thats what it means to serve the community well but it’s honestly suffocating and i cant take it anymore!

i just want to be me. so unapologetically me. i want to fangirl over shows like jane the virgin and izombie and be a total weeb and just be me.

i know david said that DT is just too far and people just didnt want to make the effort to travel. and yknow what. i get it. but that really just tells me that they dont value our friendship or me enough to want to do that. 

andrew, david, and sofia? 100% would make the trek. without a doubt.

and i know it’s different but come on! i just want to have Christian friends to whom i can share everything with and really live life with without being so worried about all of these different things. am i talking too much? too little? sharing too much? too little? scaring them off? being ignorant? judgmental? idk and they wont tell me either. the only way i’ll find out is through jason probably.

it’s exhausting! i just want to feel like im a part of the community. or like people actually want me there. i am grateful to seoyeon for hitting me up and asking to hangout one day. really. and im in a weird spot bc while i want to get closer with the people in Catalyst and Koinonia, there’s only so much I can share with them if my main concern is Movement. They’re people they know. I don’t want to slander their name. I want to give them hope and a chance to succeed and get to know everyone. i am grateful that pjosh checks up on me and made sure i was eating on sunday. i am grateful.

but i want people to think of me when a new movie comes out or if they just wanna get to know me better, i want them to just casually hit me up and ask if i want to come. that’s it. and i would gladly come. is that so hard to do tho? to just think about me as a friend and not as a person that volunteered to lead? johnathan initiated our hangouts with myself and amanda and im really thankful. jason hits me up to just casually eat downtown sometimes and i am grateful. amanda...i usually hit her up mostly just bc shes more of a homebody but i know she does genuinely appreciate my company.

im just so tired os trying all the time! i dont want to feel like i have to try so hard anymore. and i just want to be present and not have to worry about anything or what i say or do or anything like that! and im hoping i can experience that again when i go home. and im really hoping i can figure out how to do that when i come back to chicago. 

i need to.

or else i think i need to leave.

#reflection

[jess-oh]

Reflection

hey God,

i feel really guilty right now.

to the point that i feel physically sick and could barf at any moment. i can already feel the stomach acids starting to burn my throat.

a part of me just wants to cry.

God, I’m losing sight of who I am in you.

I’ve been experimenting a lot recently and doing things that I thought were just me getting back to my roots and who I am but I’m realizing a lot of the things I used to do weren’t very pleasing to you. I do really enjoy stand up comedians and I think they’re really funny. And enjoying their blunt nature isn’t bad in it of itself. But they do curse. A lot. And use your name in vain. A lot. I don’t feel comfortable sharing that side of me and those interests with the people at church because a part of me knows it isn’t pleasing to you. It isn’t honoring to you. But because I can’t face that truth and reality of the situation, I just blame everyone else. I just say, “Oh, I have nothing in common with the people at Lakeview or Movement. That’s why we can’t get along. It’s their fault, not mine. They should try harder to have more things in common with me. I’ve already tried too hard and too much. I deserve to rest. I deserve to be served.” And things along those lines. Those aren’t all things I’ve necessarily explicitly said but they are definitely some of my inner thoughts that I choose to ignore but are definitely there. Of course I don’t get along with everyone. I have such a me vs them mindset and blame them for my pain and misfortune instead of just really genuinely caring for them and serving them. I can’t expect the community to get better overnight and magically get better at welcoming. Ideally, they already would have that personality and willingness. In this case, they don’t. And that’s okay. But I need to learn to humble myself and really invest in them as individuals to be more welcoming and accepting. i need to be a role model for them and encourage/challenge them to do the same. instead of just expecting them to act that way.

sidenote: i am really irrationally afraid that someone is going to break into my apartment when im not home and be hiding in my room or something and attack me or steal from me or other things to me. im really afraid someone is going to break into my apartment w/o me knowing and i’ll just come home totally unsuspecting and be susceptible to danger i dont even know exists.

but tbh, im also afraid of people breaking in while im home as well. im just really afraid of living alone, surprisingly. bc at least if theres two of us and someone breaks in, one person can help the other or call the police or help attack the perpetrator or something. if im alone, i have to struggle on my own. theres no one that’s got my back. i just need to do my best to survive in the moment. i would feel so much fear if i heard someone’s footsteps in my apartment or someone opening the door. i would probably turn off my lights and hide in my closet but be so on edge that i would be found out. i never want to experience that. ever. God, please make it so I never do. Please.

i feel kinda guilty rn bc i wanted to stay up to plan my class for kidsland today but honestly i just feel so nauseous and my throat feels so acidic that i think itd just be better if i slept now and planned my class tomorrow. i know i shouldve been/done a better job at preparing sooner but i didnt so here i am now.

------

i ended up falling asleep and just doing the research/getting my notes together this morning on the train and while at church before the teacher’s meeting

i was planning on staying up to do the design so as to not disappoint jenny and do the necessary research for my class so they have a good time and make the most of my opportunity teaching them but i honestly felt so nauseous and did barf a little last night. i knew it’d be better to just sleep and hopefully feel better in the morning and then work on my materials today. and i was right. i did feel better after sleeping and i was still able to get my materials together today.

so last night, i went to ari’s party and i didn’t think it would be like a college party party. i thought it would just be a small kickback with some friends where some people drank, some people didnt, and we just played games together all night long. i didnt think there would be so much booze, so many people i didnt know, so much talk about sexually immoral things, and feel so incredibly hated and persecuted and judged for my faith and how i carry myself. i knew people were judging me for leaving when they were starting their kink game. for judging me for not drinking alcohol. for not wholeheartedly agreeing with their beliefs that Catholicism is horrible and that God isn’t real. I was one of three straight, binary people at the party last night out of maybe twenty people. And as it gets increasingly harder to be a Christian, I feel even more and more alone from the people in Movement. And a part of me really wants to leave. I’ve tried and tried and tried so hard for so long to be a part of the community and in the end, it hasn’t gotten me anywhere. Today, P. Josh preached about evangelizing and what it means to share the gospel. And then P. William introduced communion and challenged us and asked if we were serious about actually living this out and constantly sharing the gospel and being defined by this. And ultimately, I was too afraid. Thinking about myself in the room with everyone at the party last night, I felt so alone. And I didn’t want to lose them. I didn’t want to risk the community and friends I feel like I do have—especially with my co-workers who have been there for me during such trying times and have comforted me and accepted me as I am—for the sake of the gospel. I know this is something I need to do and should do and how God, you, have called me to live. But I couldn’t do it. Because without them, I feel like I don’t have anyone. I know that I need to just get over the Chinatown outing/trip that happened in April but I really was so incredibly hurt by that. Because it was honestly just hard for me to even give people the opportunity to come downtown again. To show that they do care about us and see us as a part of the community. And they were so seemingly excited to go too. So when almost no one showed up, I was honestly heartbroken. Them not coming and not telling us they couldn’t come just meant to me that we weren’t worth the time or energy to travel that far. Because we aren’t that important to them. We aren’t a part of the community. We’re on our own. And I know that Amanda has got my back and I do love her dearly. But she isn’t in Movement anymore. She graduated. She’s moving on. She’s in Catalyst now. And I’m on my own. And honestly, I don’t feel a community with Movement. Instead, I feel like I need to be strong for them and be someone they can rely upon and look up and trust to do what is right and lead by example. I want to leave Movement, and maybe even Lakeview now, knowing that I was able to disciple people well enough where I can trust that the community will keep growing in the right direction. That even when I leave, there will be willing people. People willing to put in the time and worth and effort and energy to make sure that they are a people striving to be more like Christ. Striving to make sure no one feels left out or left behind. Striving for a better future. And I know I’m only human and ultimately it has to be through God working in me for this to become possible.

But I know every single person in new MAST has a good heart. They do all want a better future. They want to build a community of acceptance and openness. I genuinely believe this as fact. But they aren’t there yet to make this a reality. I want to be able to stand firm in my faith and do what is right even if I am alone in doing so. Even if they would rather fit in with each other or take the easy way out, I want to be able to stand tall and strong. Even if I am alone. Even if no one is on my side. I want to continue to do what is right because I know it is pleasing to the Lord. Because I trust that He will move within their hearts and that they will eventually learn to also do what is right. But I don’t know if I can give up my friends at school, people I actually get along so easily and well with. People that have common, shared interests with me. We watch the same shows, have the same hobbies, like the same supplies. I have almost nothing in common with the people at Movement. I kind of don’t even really have anything in common with the people at Lakeview. And I have tried to find common interest. I tried to get into smash but I don’t really has easy/ready to access opportunity to play or practice smash regularly. I don’t play sports, nor do I really have the resources to engage in sports even if I wanted to. There’s not really a sports team or anything at my school. I tried to get into k-pop and other korean stuff and ended up just being ignorant and excluding the non-koreans in our community. i dont know what else to do.

and i know, having Christ in common is supposed to be the most important thing and of much greater value and importance than any of these other things in the world. But I really would like to have at least just one friend in Movement to whom I can talk to so easily and freely. Someone I actually have things in common with. Someone I can relate to. Someone who obsesses over the same things I do and shares common interest with me. Is that too much to ask?

Today, I left before P. William started communion. I really tried to stay but I knew I would feel way too much guilt to partake in communion when I myself was internally struggling so much with preaching the gospel. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make a false promise to God. And I didn’t want everyone to notice me in the pew not going up when everyone else did. So I left.

And I can just chalk it up to feel nauseous again or something which could totally pass because I actually was in the restroom for the whole time until I had to go and teach for Kidsland. But the truth is, I just couldn’t face it. I was too afraid. I couldn’t make that commitment to God. At least not then. And not now either. I just couldn’t do it. So like a coward, I left.

And I was really anxious about running into P. Josh or P. William again after that. I was even kind of dreading going into college hour because I didn’t want P. Josh to ask me why I suddenly left and just blatantly lie to his face. I couldn’t do that to him. I have too much love and respect for him. But I also don’t know if I can just be honest and tell him the truth either.

Even right now. I’m debating on whether or not to go to Jenny’s thing tonight. I don’t know if I’ll have the strength and energy to pretend to be totally fine and happy the whole time and like nothing is wrong when in reality, it feels like I’m drowning. Like everything is crashing and burning down around me.

But I feel like I’ve already told too many people that have asked if I’m coming that I am. I feel like I just have to go and get it over with at this point. I could still potentially bail on tonight and say I was feeling sick again. I don’t know yet.

I’m still trying to figure things out.

Please bring my clarity on what I should do, God. Please.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep living this life.

Why am I even here? Maybe I should just leave.

I was able to pretend like everything was fine during class today for Kidsland. I just hope I can do that for a longer period of time with the adults. As long as I just avoid everyone in Movement, I think I’ll be okay.

Sigh.

Okay.

I got this.

I just. I need to really pray and intercede on these things to God later. When I’m alone. I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m going through right now in fear that it’ll just end up being burdensome to them. P. Josh doesn’t need to hear this again or how I’m struggling with being a Christian at my school again.

I just feel so alone and I don’t know what to do anymore.

Honestly, even today during college hour, when P. Josh and Christine asked what we want out of these summer sessions, I wanted to say that I just want feel accepted and like I have a community and group of people I can rely on—especially as it gets harder and harder to be friends with the people at school and as they persecute God and Christianity in increasing amounts. But I couldn’t bring myself to say and confess that without feeling like I was going to cry. So I didn’t say anything at all and just kept my mouth shut.

I volunteered to share my life story next week. Hopefully I’ll be in a better place and more mentally stable to share then.

#reflection

[jess-oh]

Reflection

Hey journal!

Wow, it’s been a while since I actually typed here. And even longer since I wrote “Reflection” with a capital “R”! Weird.

Anyway, I am currently sitting in a Starbucks in Evanston and I am being so much more productive out here than I ever was back in my apartment. It’s just way too hot to do anything! I’m so stressed over my ever increasing electricity bill the longer I keep the AC on and because it’s so hot, I’m too cranky and lazy to actually do anything! I think I’m going to start going out to local coffee shops more often so I can actually get work done and be productive! I don’t usually enjoy staying at school until too late just because it’s such a long way home but I do think getting out of the apartment would be good for me. It’d motivate me to actually do things and because I haven’t been home all day, I’ll also be that much more motivated to actually clean up around the apartment and do things! I’m not used to being home all the time and I just end up feeling unproductive and lazy and restless. I’m going to start getting out more so I can actually do more and be more productive! Maybe I’ll message the Movement summer chat letting them know that I’ll be studying in public throughout the week and that they’re always free to join me! ^_^ 

I also realized that my meetings with P. Josh and Amanda throughout the week as well as our MAST meeting every other Saturday served as the perfect opportunity for me to be very honest and intentional and vulnerable and rely on them for help and advice or to just vent. Without those sessions, it’s harder to just approach P. Josh for help casually. Unless it’s just us two in a car together or something which hasn’t been happening that often anymore. Especially since I live so much closer to Evanston now. There’s no huge reason for me get a ride anymore because I’m not even on the train for that long anymore. It makes me a little sad and has made me realize that I’m actually not as close to P. Josh as I originally thought. It’s definitely a lot easier for me to suddenly hit up Amanda or meet up with her throughout the week. Suddenly hitting up P. Josh... a part of me always feels bad. He’s already got a lot on his own plate and in having to take care of so many people on MAST now as well as understanding his own currently struggles and battles, I feel bad reaching out to him and just adding more onto his plate. I don’t want him to just respond to me out of obligation and I’m afraid that he would. And plus, I feel like I’ve already bothered him enough recently. Right now, there’s isn’t anything overarching on my heart that I need to bring up to him. Besides, yknow, maybe moving to NorCal in the future. But I also know he wants me to stay in Chicago at Lakeview and grow with the ministry and invest and change the culture. Which, I do honestly want to do now and am hopeful about. I have hope that more people from Movement will start going into Catalyst instead of leaving instead. I do. I do have hope for the future and if I leave Lakeview, it’ll be because I’m leaving Chicago. Not because I just want a different church. I know that Movement will be hard this coming year but am genuinely happy and know that I am well cared for by many adults and other people. I do feel a community at Lakeview. I might not always feel it in Movement, but I do feel it in Lakeview.

And I also don’t want him to freak out or be sad/discouraged when I tell him I’m going to move away. 

I also want to bring up what I realized with Amanda to him. When he disagreed with me about what the author was saying, I felt really defensive and offended. And looking back, I was definitely in the wrong and I was just in a bad mood that day anyway. But it is true that I wasn’t upset bc of the actual content or what the author said. I was upset because I wanted P. Josh to support me and tell me that I was right and that the author didn’t understand my personal struggle or how much I had tried. I wanted him to validate my feelings. But I know that if he had told me those things, it wouldn’t have been actually factually correct and his answer was totally justified. But yeah, I just wanted to be validated by him. But because I understand the 100% justifiable and valid reasoning behind the answer he did give me, I don’t feel like there’s any use in bringing it up to him.

Also, when Grace An mentioned that P. Josh and I co-dependent with each other... it really stuck with me because I never thought of it like that before. But I guess we are. And honestly, I know he’s only human and only four years older than me so he’s still learning a lot and not yet totally mature or developed. But it is kind of a burden for me to be with him sometimes. Because I try to take care of him too. In not telling him certain things so as to not stress him out. Or trying to just be there for him through church events or activities. It really breaks my heart to always see him get so discouraged and I want to do my best to make sure he doesn’t feel that way. Whether that’s by offering a different perspective or giving words of encouragement/affirmation or just by showing up physically in person so he knows it isn’t for nothing. And it is kind of burdensome trying to be a good friend to him and doing all these things for him too. Because a part of me just wants to be selfish and rely on him always and look up to him for guidance and to be a constant strong figure in my life that I can always look up to. But he isn’t. Instead, he’s more like a friend. I also noticed that I always call him P. Josh to others but say, “Joshwa” to his face. Because I see him as a friend and an equal when I see him in person. But a part of me also has a lot of respect for him and will always acknowledge his status as pastor. Especially because I see how much work he puts into the ministry.

I really shouldn’t be spending so much money and going to coffee shops so often because my mom gave me $200 to spend for shopping(I ended up only need $2 tho lol). Only $50 of the money I’ve been spending is actually mine! I don’t want to have to owe her so much money once I get paid again T 0 T I’ll just be perpetually broke!

Sidenote: I really hope I can pay off my credit card debt soon T____T

Please pay me back Chalana. Please. I want to have trust and faith in you. Please show me that I was wrong and that you were genuinely just trying to do your best in getting by. That you didn’t just betray me. That it wasn’t all just a lie.

I also feel like I disappointed Jenny in not being able to deliver on the 3k/5k poster. Especially since she already overhyped me to everyone at the VBS dinner, I feel bad not being able to do my part. But I am hoping that I can sometime during this week. I just want to be able to say no when I don’t have time or can’t come up with anything creative. I thought this was in our original agreement. That gives me the freedom to do things as much as I can and help as I please. And she still has the security of getting her projects done by someone even if it isn’t me! But if I always have to do all her projects even when I can’t, it’s more burdensome and draining than anything and I’m just left feeling bad and like a failure and awful that I disappointed her. I don’t want that. I do really value our relationship together and although I am starting to see her more as a human instead of as a mother, I do still perceive her a strong maternal figure in my life. And I don’t want to let her down.

Sigh.

Too late to stop by the Apple store and I’m not really in the mood to stop by Target anymore. I’ll just go tomorrow.

I do, absolutely, need to prepare my curriculum and class for Sunday though!!! D:< We actually had a fun time in class last Sunday. I want to do that again this week. I just need to dedicate the necessary time and energy to the activity and plan out the class well! And also get better at names! = A =

And, I still need to draw my new weeks in my bullet journal! Hopefully I can find the motivation and energy to actually do that when I get home today. Just get it done, Jessica! Don’t procrastinate! You know you’ll regret it later! Just get it done today and now so you don’t have to worry about it later!!!

Anyway, Thank you for listening to my rant journal! I think it was much needed to just get all these thoughts out of my head and onto paper.

Last thing: I can’t tell if I’m annoying Amanda or if she genuinely doesn’t mind my constant texting and she just isn’t gr8 at replying quickly. I’ll try and clear that up with her soon though.

But yeah, thanks journal! Have a good rest of your day~ ^_^

#reflection

[jess-oh]

i just

i feel like i have to prove myself here in chicago

to prove that i can make a life for myself here and dont need everyone i relied for support for so long in cali

i have to make it work

i just have to

[jess-oh]

reflection

hey journal,

uhh im pretty homesick in the sense that im really tired of trying.

i just want to be home and not have to worry about literally anything.

it’ll be the one time when i have no obligations or priorities or responsibilities to do anything.

wont have to teach kidsland, wont have to show up on a sunday even, wont have to think about the words that i say or how im presenting myself or how much im giving/investing or anything.

i can literally just be.

i can just be with my friends to whom i love

to whom have been in the trenches with me and really have seen me at my worst.

i can be with those that are familiar to me. never worrying about the impact i may have accidentally made in the past or anything.

but to literally

just

be.

thats what i want.

i dont want to prepare my class for kidsland tomorrow or practice the VBS dance moves dance bc i just dont want to be responsible for anything anymore. i want to just fall off the face of the planet and do things at my own pace and figure out what i like and dislike and my identity in Christ again without having the expectation to do or say certain things in order to come across as a “good Christian” or like everything is fine when it’s not. 

i dont want to be a burden or annoying or disrupt a system/dynamic already in place. i just want to be.

i just want to do what i want to do and say what i want to say and not have to constantly be thinking about the consequences or repercussions of my actions.

my friends back home challenge me to be better people, yes.

maybe im just so frustrated with jason bc i feel like he is constantly criticizing what i do whether i meant to or not.

and i do appreciate that he challenges me to be better and more self aware. but all the goddamn time? it’s exhausting. it makes me always feel like im on edge. i dont want to just hangout with him one on one bc i feel like i cant relax around him. i want him to be encouraging and give me words of affirmation and let me know that i am doing a good job. he keeps tearing me down but never builds me back up.

i think thats why im frustrated with him.

i never know what hes thinking or how to read him and im tired of it. hes the one person i immediately feel frustrated and on edge with.

and it sucks.

it’s fucking exhausting

i hate it.

we used to be such great friends and i really trusted him with my all. now i dont. 

i do wish i had the luxury to just fly home whenever i felt like i needed a break from my life here and recenter my focus and balance.

but not only do i not live around here,

i also dont have the money to just casually go home. i can barely afford to buy a plane ticket now.

i want to message david for help but i know that he wont understand. and i also just dont trust him anymore.

i used to really look up to and admire johnathan, jason, david, and josh h but after what ive heard and seen, i dont anymore. my faith in them has been lost. i dont trust them anymore. they arent as great of people as i once thought and that really breaks my heart. i feel like i cant rely on them anymore.

i dont trust them anymore.

and i know i need to rebuild that trust with them and give them the benefit of the doubt but as of right now, i just dont.

and maybe it’s better this way. to see them for their flaws and all. and not as perfect as they once were in my own head.

but anyway,

i need the mental capacity to listen to my sister now and do my best to be supportive and just listen to her so i’ll leave this here for now.

thanks for talking with me, journal.

jess

#reflection