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2020 August 24

Sometimes whenever someone shows me so much unexpected attention/kindness I start imagining they’re some reflection of a higher good, of purity and light itself.

It’s completely foreign, the sort of radiant positivity. It probably is not personal, of course, but it’s some reminder that good exists, and that somehow angels walk among us, even in hell, who aren’t fallen.

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a reflection while traveling back to heredia:

sometimes, a message takes time to develop. it took a year for mine to finally get through to me. for me to understand the full importance and significance of what it means. to be. alone.

because it’s not what i used to think it was. I used to think being alone meant being able to survive without anyone’s presence, help, or love.

And maybe that’s the case for some.

what I’ve realized.. is that intimacy is what I live for. I live to love. and there is nothing wrong with that… as long as I allow myself to love Her- this me- just as much.

We always talk about how we are always evolving. growing as a person. meeting/ saying goodbye to other versions of ourselves. Constantly breaking, always burning to ashes. to be rebuilt with everything we have ever known, loved, and lived Before.

I have learned the consequences of isolation… we remember the lesson of september. october & november brought a different type of Alone. independence. decemeber. once again, showered in love. a flower in april. happiness, pure joy. it was the storm after the drought.

and then?

january, february, march, april, may. june?

what was happening there?

I became too dependent on the love of others. I placed myself in their hands. asked them please, begged them not to crush me. pleaded with them. please be careful, you know how much I love you, right? you know how much i’m hurting?

I had felt that they didn’t love me. I felt alone. a new sensation. one that I hadn’t experienced before. but that… wasn’t the case.

Now I see it. it was a lesson. one that i’ve learned and realized since being here.

What matters is not how others value me. yes, to an extent.

but to place my value in the hands of others. to depend on their validation and love to survive. it’s not a way to live. so I must draw the line in the sand.

to accept only the love I deserve. to accept the love that is fulfilling, that i see as worth it. to allow people to make mistakes, yes. to help them grow. but we will not be walked all over. we are whole, with or without you. that is the lesson. that is what I need to remind myself. and now. what do i go home with?

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