Woke up realising that I need to stop being a idiot and chucking away everything I’ve worked so hard for just for the sake of losing weight. Being in a body that feels so so uncomfortable is really difficult but even if I lost weight I’d still not be happy with my body. My body isn’t the problem. The disordered mindset I have around food and my body is the problem. I want to be free from this eating disorder and I don’t want it to be part of my life anymore but I can’t just expect it to go away on its own. Recovery is a process and something that I have to continually work on. Sometimes it might feel easier and sometimes it might feel fucking hard. But the only way out is through. And continuing to engage in disordered behaviours is only prolonging the process. I just want to be able to eat like a normal person and accept the body I’m in but I’m never going to get to that point if I continue to rely on anorexia as a coping mechanism. I’ve got to be brave and I’ve got to accept that this will be a rough ride but going back is not an option anymore.
I’m so damn broken, I just want to feel that special attention, that beautiful misdirection of life that’s so wrong but makes you feel right.
güzellik mükemmelden eksik kalmakta değil midir? güzellik de tezatlara ihtiyaç duyar, daha az güzel yanlar, güzel olanları öne çıkarır.
I was rather disappointed with Game Freak when they released the sixth generation of Pokémon games. The game was good and fun, let there be no doubt about that, but the animations accompanying the Pokémon in battle were what disappointed me—specifically the animations of the Pokémon as they stood by waiting for commands from their trainer (or just waiting for their turn to move when confronted in the wild). In generation five—the Pokémon Black and White games and their sequels—the characters (by which I mean, the Pokémon) had so much character, so to speak. They would move in place and showcase tiny details that differentiated themselves from other species: Darumaka, the fire-type Zen Charm pokémon, would withdraw its legs and roll about in a ball; Ferroseed, the grass/steel-type Thorn Seed pokémon, would spin its band-like stripes; Scolipede, the poison/bug-type Megapede pokémon, would shift its segmented body and flex its horns; Scraggy, the dark/fighting-type Shedding pokémon, would grab its loose and yellow skin, which resembles trousers, and pull them up to its neck. All of this was removed in generation six for mostly static poses. Some Pokémon still move, such as flying Pokémon with their flapping wings, or Rowlet, the grass/flying-type Grass Quill Pokémon, with its head turning 180 degrees to stare at its trainer. But overall it is such a disappointment. I hope Pokémon Sword and Pokémon Shield do something to improve the liveliness of standing Pokémon. I do not want to wait for generation X for lively 3D models (it took them five generations to make animated 2D images look engaging, so I am adding another five generations for them to get 3D models right).
I don’t think people realize how traumatizing funerals are for children, I didn’t really need any grown ass adults crying in my face telling me they’re sorry. Fuck you.
Every people wants to look clean in their own story.
On rainy days, take advantage of the beauty that surrounds you. The plants that get water to breathe, the music of the beautiful rain drops, the fresher and crisper air and most importantly, the time you make for yourself in the day to sit back, relax and self-care.
crying on and off.. overwhelmed, spread so thin, and can’t even have the warmth of the embrace I desire to make things just feel okay, to be comforted.
you ever lay and think of a smile? a laugh? see things you want to share or do with someone and you can’t? …the shit is sick, heart- wrenching.
desiring truths, consistency, love, respect, reciprocity, positive energy…
I wish I could control my heart.. because what happens is that, at times, it allows me to be treated like less than what I am worthy of being treated as.. it makes me want to believe that something or someone will change.. you ever just want to love the fuck out of someone that it has the tendency to make you look stupid? ever find yourself waiting for your phone to ring or for plans you’re excited about to come into fruition?
I love so damn hard and forgive far too often even in the midst of daily life and tasks on my shoulders, my own anxiety and continued growth, even in regards to the extent the pain goes when I’m faced with it. I love, gently with the provision of tough love, but I also know that I am aware and far too observant, far too intuitive.. and quite frankly I’m quite aware that my personal dreams of intimacy that I truly desire in my life are not being offered to me by who shared they want that with me too..
I shouldn’t have to fight for love. I shouldn’t have to fight for attention. I shouldn’t have to fight for communication or honesty. I shouldn’t have to fight for time or respect. I shouldn’t have to convince someone. I’m tired of having to fight and convince, while also being hurt… so I love and I lose and I love and I lose and I love and I lose.. my heart and my mind is exhausted, so exhausted.