jmsami

[jmsami]

I am further along in another relationship

That's all that needed to be said but you chose not to and instead continued hanging out with me taking me on trips to cloud 9 while things were further along with another woman.

What hurts the most? You got to strengthen your relationship with her, meet her at her level to the point where you're now posting pictures with her on social media while I painfully and broken heartedly adjust to life without your company and meeting you at your level with me. The man that doesn't want to be with me, the woman that absolutely adored you, enjoyed being around you, and only wanted continued and expanded opportunities to do so

[jmsami]

How do you make a woman a hot mess? Let me count the ways

Reconnecting after a 6 month estrangement at a time in my life where I was very happy and pulled myself out of a very dark period where things fell apart at a job / company of 17.5 years, my mom had health problems at the same time, and I pulled myself out of a very dark period landing a new job under perfect timing and perfect circumstances, beginning just 3 weeks after getting laid off and enjoying a 6 month period of time receiving double paychecks, both regular and severance. January 22 will be the 7 month mark since seeing or speaking to you (not without trying) which is the longest period of no contact so far.

It mattered, deciding to re-open the lines of communication with me and the willingness to meet up with me again and catch up. All the better that it ended up with us making out.

I did make every effort to guard my heart and go out with / enjoy / appreciate other men starting with Drew around late March 2022 but never could find anyone else I enjoyed as much as you.

I guess that's why I was okay with the long stretches between contact and meeting up and things mostly didn't go anything beyond making out physically.

Being a good support system while I was going through the problems with my veins, discomfort walking / sitting / squatting and eventually getting ablation procedures done.

It mattered.

Being one of the first to see and ride in my brand new car.

It mattered.

Watching me perform a flute choir concert on my childhood instrument with flutists I've known for many years who are like family.

It mattered.

Text history I'm still clearing-

Ryan F from Hinge that I only went out with because I didn't think things were going to go anywhere with you and for longer than I should have, March - July every once in a while; he really wasn't much to me other than a drinking / concert buddy and I had no physical attraction. That might take the longest. I'm still on April 2023.

Then the bombshell happened and I started filling up my schedule and making myself really busy to get my mind off things instead of get myself sorted out emotionally and mentally. These included maybe a bit too much / overwhelming amount of online dating app matches and both healthy and not so healthy experiences with re-runs. I know I drank myself silly around mid- July and drunk-texted a bunch of people, which probably re-ignited my re-connects with some of them. I know I found myself unable to concentrate at work and booking a last minute acupuncture appointment for anxiety relief. I even booked myself a staycation to Leadville for the purpose of self-reflection on the situation and the lessons and left with the decision that I would still like to connect with you and talk to you, only to be ignored when I attempted to do so via phone call and text the Wednesday after labor day.

James from Bumble I only went out with twice when I was in a heightened emotional state in the aftermath of what happened in June. I remember thinking he was a bit intense and his conversation during breakfast with me almost seemed like a sales pitch but apparently I got a lot of much needed practice in the areas of honesty, authenticity, and transparency with him.

Still only on April with my text history with you.

CNM Geoffrey because I was trying to understand better why you were doing what you were doing with me while another woman was declaring you her "boyfriend", and the only logical explanation I could come up with was perhaps it was okay because it was a consentually non monagomous situation. I never met this dude. He is cleared thank God.

Even though I did get back in contact with Jason during a heightened emotional state, I'm glad to still be in contact with him and hang out with him recently, I think he makes a good friend but I have no physical attraction. I went to a Jazz in the Park thing with him in Castle Rock in July.

I went to the Renn Fest with Pete (since you flat out told me I'm better off finding someone else than waiting for him) in July and then a concert in August and had the same problem that has existed for years where he would make an advance and I did not reciprocate the physical act of affection, and I'm pretty sure I already started drinking before he picked me up for the concert.

I am glad I reconnected with Jeremy, we hung out first in late July, originally planning to go to a comedy show but blew it off and had some really good conversations at the Irish Pub. We also hung out at one Up in September and museum of illusions end of October. But given all the sexual innuendos in his communications with me and the fact that it hasn't gone down that road in the almost three years I've known him, I'm beginning to change my mind about being glad I reconnected.

I know I was not happy with the decision I made to schedule two back to back dates with dating app dudes, one on Tuesday and the next on Wednesday for reasons having to do with both the fact that I was in a heightened emotional state and probably very obvious to both of them and that I had to go through the litany of "get to know you" questions two days in a row. The first guy Jeff only lasted one. The second guy Brian was around in July, August, and September, disappeared for a bit (initiated by me) then re-connected in November, but I think I'm ready to call it a day with him as well.

Then I reconnected with re-run Michael late August and this dynamic is getting a little old. I wonder if he is to me what I was to you. We can go months without seeing each other or much contact, he always ends up putting the moves on me and comes on pretty strong, things have always had the opportunity to be taken to the bedroom, and they never have, and this has been going on for almost 4 years. I'm not sure I am interested in him enough to try to pursue anything more than that.

Re-run Tom who was not a healthy choice and pretty much only partied with, had sex with twice, the first time after about a year long estrangement and no "getting reacquainted" period other than a pretty vulnerable phone call but he still didn't know basic information about me, and I did not feel good about myself after overdoing it on the weed and having sex.

I am also happy with the decision I made to re-connect with Andy but it's hard to schedule anything with him due to his crazy work schedule / hours.

When I decided to try to get back out there again I only had two with Roman. He kind of freaked me out claiming a connection super fast. I went out with Kelly two times around the same time. Maybe he was expecting too much of my time too soon? He offered to come or be designated driver to my meetup with the Ex RNL peeps. Also wanted me to join him and his out of town visiting sister a few days after meeting him the second time. He also offered to come to the CRO concert. Anyway, Danielle encouraged me not to ghost so I let both of them down gently and informed them via text that I was not in a good place mentally or emotionally, and not surprisingly, got two very different responses, one angry and on empathetic.

Absolute bombarding of texts by bumble Eric who I only had one phone conversation with then blew up my phone and that was when I decided I need to minimize the amount of complete strangers having my phone number. He will be cleared next historical review and clear of texts, thank god.

Thomas- eharmony, I gave too many strangers my phone number, one phone convo never met and he deleted me after I told him there's no need to text me just to wish me a good week. He is cleared.

One and done- Ben Tinder (didn't take long to clear) then Brian Eharmony but there there was some good follow up afterward. I think that was when I finally acknowledged my heartbreak and took action regarding it. I should probably put a stop to the drinking at home before a date thing. I'm not sure why I did it before meeting Robert Tinder on November 8. It didn't help in the area of me remembering anything about him that intrigues me enough to go out again, and it seems like he wants to but can't seem to move the communication to phone calls and if he's trying to not be too pushy about asking me, I haven't really found the motivation to go out with him again. He is cleared. So there's that.

Steps I took to un-hotmessify starting Sunday September 17- went to restorative yoga. Massage on Wednesday, September 20. Sound bath on Friday, September 22. Meditations, affirmations, even some overnight ones starting around that time in September. A "cutting the cords" meditation I found on youtube and accepted the challenge of completing once a day for 40 days. I'm on day 20 of the next 40 day meditation challenge about breaking bad habits.

[jmsami]

what I’d like to say if given the opportunity 14

I never knew what the heck we were doing but I thought if anything we became pretty good friends, and friends tell friends if there’s something going on in their life they need to prioritize and can’t hang out.  You haven’t responded to a text in which I asked a specific question in 6 days and it usually doesn’t take you this long to respond.  I know we’ve had a very strange dynamic the past year and that’s actually why I requested your company to talk about it further.  I need to know if there is any interest in continuing to hang out or if we need to opt out.  There were things that were really great and worked to an extent but also things that fell short.  I definitely feel we got to be pretty good friends.  I always had a good time with you and never thought there was anything about those times that sucked.  You were a great support system for me when I was going through the job transition stuff, putting an end to the Kia saga and getting into a new better car, the health issues I was experiencing with incompentent vein diagnosis.  You came to an event that was very important to me, watching me perform and there are people I’ve been friends with for 5+ years that have never seen me perform.  What fell short was that the amazing dynamic in person wasn’t occurring more frequently and the long stretches that went by without keeping very much in touch.  It worked to an extent because dating and romantic relationships wasn’t a huge priority in my life, I was making myself and healing from a 4 year long traumatic experience my priority.  I was entertaining other dudes the same time as you on a rotational basis and there was nobody I was in contact with or hanging out with more frequently than the other.  I had fun and enjoyed myself while trying to be respectful and fair to all parties as long as it wasn’t interfering with a budding romance or anything like that.  It was not all fun and games to me as I was spending time with men from all walks of life seriously assessing compatibility and how well I fit into their worlds.  I was active on dating apps went out with this one guy four times in April but mostly only window shopping, I wasn’t logged into them 24-7 or exchanging messages all day with anyone and probably only actually went out and met one or two new people every couple of months.

[jmsami]

A recap of my time with Chris and bracing myself for heartbreak 13

We saw each other for the first time in about 6 months at Two Penguins on March 12, 2022.  We were kissing passionately within minutes.  He even followed up a couple days later because he knew I was going to a concert and asked how it was.  I was going to go on a second date with this guy on Friday March 18.  I wrote in my journal I probably screwed up big time when I cancelled last minute after receiving an invitation from Chris to go see live music on Friday, March 18.  Even though my car got towed due to illegal parking we both enjoyed the show very much and he posted about it the next day.  There was also a lot of kissing and physical affection.  I wrote in my journal  you can cut the sexual tension with a knife.  Then went awhile without any contact thus beginning the hot and cold.  I thought at the time the behavior did not affect me emotionally as much as it would have between April and October of 2021, but after 9 months of occasional hangouts where we didn’t have sex most of the time; thought we formed a stronger friendship including improvements in opening up and sharing, I am back to being emotionally affected, probably even more so. I wrote in my journal in April about not seeing Chris for 5 weeks and I'm feeling like I need to have a conversation with him soon about why I've kept him around.  I wrote “Mother fucker is probably dating someone else again”  I’ve know since April how sad and emotional I feel when the amazing in person dynamic between us isn't occurring more frequently and it was also around the time I knew a serious talk was in order.  The next time we saw each other, about 54 days later, was a local comedian comedy show showcase at Comedy Works on May 11.  Learned via twitter that his friend Andie Main who he once went out / made out with was not very happy he came to the show with me.  Maybe since I went on four dates with another guy, at the time I was not as emotional / sad as I was the previous month about the amazing in person dynamic between us not occurring more frequently, thought I had accepted it and still wanted to have a serious talk with him if he'll allow  I think since he went on a long vacation in June to Hawaii, the next time we saw each other was 69 days later for the James Taylor concert on Tuesday, July 19.  I was also hanging out with this guy Tom at the time and Pat / Michael Hoffman every once in awhile.  I saw Chris again 9 days later for the Jackie Kashian comedy show on Thursday, July 28.  This was after being pressured into sex by Tom.  He actually initiated  uncomfortable conversations which should have happened a long time ago and I was very taken aback and very happy at the same time.  The next and last time I saw Tom was Wednesday, August 3.  He wanted to have sex but I declined.  I told him I wasn't in the mood, but the real reason is because I had still been entertaining other men and started having "what the hell are we doing" discussions with Chris.  The next time I saw him was 14 days later on Thursday, August 11.  I had an amazing evening walking around Cherry Creek reservoir.  I found myself opening up and sharing about how past traumas have affected my life, and what an impact he has had on my life.  I felt that things were absolutely amazing in person but weird that we’d go long  stretches without contact in between hanging out.  I also wished the amazing in person dynamic was happening more frequently.   We came close but didn't have sex that night.  I was not sure I could do the get to know new guys thing at the time especially after the recent progress / break thrus with Chris. I entertained other men but found it challenging to really enjoy and appreciate them when I knew I liked Chris the best and wanted things to progress.  18 days later, I went to Dry Dock with Chris on Monday, August 29.  We had sex.  Then things got distant again.  I saw him 37 days later on Wednesday, October 5.  I met up with him at Living the Dream brewery to show him the new car and have a couple beers.  We made out the whole time on the back patio area.  It was amazing.  Not sure it was very smart of me that we ended up having sex our next meetup which was 56 days later on November 30 when we went to a comedy show.  This creates a situation that I don’t want which is only having sex with someone I like, want to spend time with, and truly get to know better about once a quarter and a little reminiscent of the hot mess express train I rode with Mike, but I’d like to think Chris and I are better friends than that.  The last time I saw Chris was 46 days ago, he came to my RMFC concert on Monday, December 12.  I started thinking for the sake of my sanity that I need to have a serious talk with him soon about what I want, need and expect.  That has not come to fruition.  I asked if we could get together a couple weekends ago or so and he said he would, but he’s in the Springs all weekend for his son’s hockey tournament.  At this time, he has not responded to the text I sent two days ago asking if he was available to get together.  I will not accept another ghost.  I am going to try to have this talk.  It’s long overdue.

[jmsami]

I’m seeking tears and they aren’t coming 12

We haven’t seen each other in over a month.  Not sure about you but the only impediment on my end was being consumed with car shopping, purchasing, and dental stuff. I am not sure what the hell we were doing the past few months or why you haven’t responded.  It seems it’s necessary to opt out as much as I don’t want to.  Some of my favorite memories of the year were times spent with you.  I was hoping to talk further about where your head was at in regards to what the hell we were doing to help make an informed decision whether to continue with it or opt out. 

[jmsami]

Here we go again 11

What the hell Chris?  I thought we were going to hang out again today and you failed to respond to my text from Friday asking what time you’d be available.  I am absolutely paranoid that this is a case of history repeating itself and this has something to do with Shanda or somebody else you feel the grass is greener.  But you had time to like my Facebook posts so I hope this is all a big overreaction.  I don’t want to repeat history.  I am going to reach out.  I want to talk about this instead of be ghosted.  If my fears have come true I am going to be absolutely devastated after all the great progress we have made opening up and sharing with each other.  

[jmsami]

Young Woman Get Up

For Four four long years, I allowed another person to beat me down, ruin my days, my spirit, my mental health and my sanity. and cause me to question my worth.  

Here is a list of things I am no longer apologizing for:

Living my life as I know it

My life choices

My flaws

My weaknesses

My quirks

My friends male and female

Differing opinion

Something I didn’t do

Striking up conversations with complete strangers I’ll never see again

Touching others in friendly, innocent ways

Someone else’s bad, rageful, abhorrent behavior towards me and others

For removing myself from situations that do not make me comfortable or safe

Not responding immediately

Not wanting to make small talk

I now release my what ifs to live boldly and unapologetically in my what is.

[jmsami]

Coming out of darkness

I did that a couple times in 2021.  After my car got stolen in May 2021 I was overcome with extreme anxiety over when and if I will ever see or want the car again.  I started rubbing my hands for stress relief.  I rubbed them so much they were blistery, chapped, raw, and gross.  I’m pretty sure i was substituting meals with alcohol.  It got to the point where enough is enough nothing I was doing to self treat my hands was working and I decided to see a doctor.  I was prescribed an ointment and the hands healed up but the lesson in all this was that I needed to learn a healthier way to handle stress, so I started going to acupuncture.  I found it helpful, I did eventually get my car fixed and returned, and I was able to fully enjoy my summer.  I also found myself in a dark place the last quarter of 2021 starting in October.  That was when my original team of four at work started dropping like flies and their roles were neither backfilled or replaced.  The first was my boss who left due to a personality conflict with his boss, then by default the rest of us began reporting to him.  This was an upper level manager hired off the street who had never done our jobs before and had absolutely no knowledge of what we did and the service we were providing.  I was often in the uncomfortable position of educating / explaining things to him because he didn’t know what to do or what things meant.  The worst part of this was when the woman who was the only one in the company that did what she did left and instead of replaced it was dumped on me and the other last one standing and 100 clients that needed the service because of all the revenue it generates.  Lots of pressure from the people in the company delivering the service to a team of people that had no idea what they were doing, limited resources other than training videos and confusing documentation, and no knowledge of how to troubleshoot issues when things didn’t work right.  On top of that I was making frequent trips to my parents to help out while my mom was having health scares.  I was also having woes in regards to a particular love interest / crush that I didn’t share with anybody.  I was working crazy hours, tending to my own business at odd hours, barely sleeping, tons of drinking, my place turned into a place of chaos rather than a place of comfort and sanctuary.  It got to the point I couldn’t stand even being inside my own home and had to get out of dodge for a weekend to Austin to clear my head and think.  I made the executive decision it was time to start seriously looking for a new job.  That took up the majority of my time when I wasn’t working, I took a deliberate break from flute choir and orchestra and used every medium under the sun like linkedin, indeed, ziprecruiter and professional networking.  I sent out about 45 resumes, had 7 interviews of various stages between the weeks of December 5 thru Feb 6.  I am still pinching myself for having the idea to reach out to my former co-worker Blake in the first place as that was my golden ticket outta there.  He informed me of an opening at his place of employment that was never officially posted, got my resume where it needed to go, couple zoom meetings with those people and a verbal offer of employment on Friday off the same week I got laid off from my previous employer of 17.5 years that Monday.  I am almost at the 120 day mark, and all signs point to how happy they are to have me and that I’ve confirmed they made the right choice.  I am happy to report being back in the light and hope this trend continues.

[jmsami]

Ghosted?10

Not sure this reflects well on me but I was first caspered and then ghosted by the same person last year.  I think we are good now.  It is pretty much my fault.  I was too terrified to have a DTR conversation with him after being intimate with him for several months.  The first time I had no idea what his business travel meant for the continuation of seeing me.  I did manage to acquire his company four times in August and September of last year but he was noticeably distant.  We had sex the third and fourth time.  I thought since we were having sex I deserved to see him more often and keep in touch more often but he was out the door and I kept pushing to hang out the entire month of October only to be told excuse after excuse until he finally stopped responding to me. Didn’t speak for four months until I decided to gently call him out.  I’m not sure when this became a seeing other people thing, probably before he left for his business trip, It would have been nice to know upfront that other options were being explored.  It seems other options being explored turned into full on interference with a dating life I am not sure I was not even being considered for.  He had grass is greener syndrome.  Started dating someone that got serious then ended abruptly the same time I lost my job.  We have hung out three times between March and May.  There is still an intense spark between us, we were kissing within minutes of seeing each other for the first time in 6 months and have kissed every other time we have hung out.  We have not had sex which is a good idea.  We need to have a serious conversation before and if it goes down that road (and I kinda want it to and feel a stronger friendship connection with him now)

[jmsami]

Getting real about friendship

I’ve always considered myself a very loyal friend.  My circle of friends are friendships that I’ve had for many years.  I can be a better friend by keeping in better touch with my out of state friends.  I have a couple friendships that I’m wondering are more frenemies than friends.  I find myself disappointed by the time I’m investing because while I appreciate and value these friendships for various reasons, the activities and how I’m spending time with them isn’t working for me anymore.  While I’ve been not accepting every invitation for the past year, the change of friendship dynamic became clear to me when I was going through one of the roughest periods of my life the last quarter of 2021 and not getting the support I desired at the time.  I just wanted to hang out in quiet environments that allow for talking and sharing what I was going through.  Instead I got invitations to football games at loud sports bars and live music on new year’s eve in the freezing cold and snow.  This has been going on for years and it just recently started grating at me.  Teased for dressing like a “suburban soccer mom.”  Outings always centered around and pushing me toward talking to various men.  More attention being paid to men than to me whether they were physically there or not.  Now with the unmarried ladies, I can’t seem to enjoy a social gathering without one bringing her boyfriend and interestingly enough, the married ladies are the only ones I’ve enjoyed “girls nights” with and have also hung out with more in 2022 than the unmarried ladies.  They have been very good friends in other ways all these years and have been there for me during 4 years of turmoil trying to get away from a situation permanently, and have gotten me some very sentimental gifts.  I’d like to think they are still worthy of a space in my life, but it seems we are in different places and probably will not be hanging out as often anymore.

[jmsami]

Getting Older

Present me is definitely much wiser than 20 years ago me.  20 years ago me was following around, partying, and slutting around with local band members.  20 years ago me would stay out partying on week nights till the wee hours of the morning and still go to work the next day with no problem.  With the exception of the flute, I don’t think 20 years ago me was pursuing the various other hobbies / interests present me enjoys today, such as live theater, creative endeavors, museums, hiking, and exploring the state.  20 years ago me did not play in the community orchestra.  20 years ago me did not have a pet.  20 years ago me still has a few of the same friends but others have either passed or drifted apart.  20 years ago me was fooling around with a man in a band that had a girlfriend I believe.  20 years ago me I believe was either just ending jobs at telecom companies that went under, or at a job that I disliked that I was not good at and ultimately got fired from.  20 years ago me was also either going to court to get a DWAI reduced or just finished dealing with the legal repercussions.  20 years ago me had parents that lived out of state in Wisconsin, and a mom who would drive me nuts with her nagging about household maintenance and what I thought was intruding in my life anytime she came to visit.  20 years ago me was renting an apartment but I believe began the process of purchasing a condo around the end of the year.  10 years ago me started showing interest in national / indie / non FM radio bands.  10 years ago me was playing flute in both the flute choir and CRO.  10 years ago me recently inherited her first pet cat.  10 years ago me was at a job she was really happy with for about 8 years.  10 years ago me was driving a 2003 Ford Taurus that she had for 10 years.  10 years ago me had a sister that lived in Florida and parents that lived in Wisconsin that she would go to visit.  10 years ago me lived in the condo she’s owned since 2003.  10 years ago me had worked on some intimacy issues with a professional after the experience of being in a relationship but she still found herself playing the field, trying to date multiple guys at a time and not settling down with just one.  5 years ago me still playing flute with both RMFC and CRO.  5 years ago me had her second cat, Buttercup she adopted after the first honey passed December of that year.  5 years ago me was at the same job she’d been at since 2004 but by that point there had been lots of changes and office moves, so it had become just a paycheck.  5 years ago me was and still is driving a 2014 Kia Optima she purchased in January 2016.  5 years ago and present me has most immediate family living driving distance with the exception of her brother and his family.  5 years ago and present me still lives in the same condo she’s owned since 2003.  5 years ago me was in the throes of a very tulmutous 4 year long toxic cycle with a man she once had a relationship with that she wanted to end.  I like present me better than 20 / 10 / 5 years ago me.

[jmsami]

Letting Go 9

I don’t think I want to.  He was a big track record breaker helper for me and I do still have feelings for him which is why I keep him around.  I feel a little more solid of a friendship now than I did about 8 months ago.  The fun, affectionate, playful dynamic and strong physical chemistry between us has not faded.  I will whole heartedly consider other options but as long as he’s willing to be a friend and spend time with me, I’m not ready to give up.  It’s going to take meeting someone new that I like as much as I liked him for me to let go.

[jmsami]

Relationship Mirage 8

The Chris that came back from his business travel was definitely very different than the one I thought I knew and it was absolutely heartbreaking.  I’m not going into great detail because this has already been journaled about extensively but the emotional disconnect and distance was evident.  I still wanted to explore things with somebody who checked out months ago and did stupid things with him and because of him because I was on a mission to re-connect and grow closer.

[jmsami]

Losing love then finding myself

I’m not sure I can meet this challenge MH.  This has the potential to turn into a novel.  I’d rather talk this stuff out with a professional.  I wouldn’t call this love, whatever it was and I wouldn’t call her me, whoever she was.  I think I’m seeing more clearly a woman I don’t recognize and I am completely ashamed of my behavior.  I am deeply ashamed and don’t ever want this woman to resurface ever again.  I think I just want to be a better healed version of Joanna living an authentic life, doing what makes her happy, and no longer finding herself in situations in which she was manipulated by guilt and explosive episodes of rage.

[jmsami]

God Winks

I felt God was winking at me with the way my new job all came about, everything just fell perfectly into place and with perfect timing.  I put in a great deal of time and effort in my search using LinkedIn, Indeed, ZipRecruiter and professional networking.  45 resumes and 7 interviews at various stages, and I landed the job the way it was supposed to be landed by reaching out to Blake, who informed me of an opening before it was posted (and I don’t think ever was), and got my resume where it needed to go without me submitting anything official online.  I received a verbal job offer the Friday of the week that I was laid off that Monday, and am currently enjoying receiving double paychecks from my new employer and severance until August.  I think he was winking or maybe granting karma when I was informed he who shall not be named had grass is greener syndrome and pursued a relationship with someone else only for it to abruptly end a few months later.  Perhaps also pointing me in the direction of a twitter page so I could learn a few more interesting things about this person.

[jmsami]

Big Scary Life Altering Thing I have no control over

I guess that has been my mom’s health ever since October 2021.  I guess at this point I’ve already admitted to it and just surrendered.  I think my life might be different and more carefree if I surrendered to this instead of stress and wish she was more like the mom I had back in 2019.  She is getting older and I likely don’t have very many years left with her.  I will practice living with appreciation of the wonderful fun times we shared while they lasted and appreciation for what she is still capable of doing that is wonderful and fun.

[jmsami]

Reflections on 2019 me vs today me

I started the year off in court to be served a restraining order which was dropped after 9 months.  At the time and in 2020 much of the turmoil that existed between this person and me was because I was easily manipulated by him and often caved in and relented to whatever he wanted from me because I was too scared of the consequences of what would happen if I did not.  I did not have the strength to do what needed to be done to put an end to this and as a result it lasted for four long years.  I did not cope with the mental and psychological effects in a healthy way and instead numbed myself with alcohol and crazy antics.  I was participating in activities that really didn’t suit me or that I enjoyed like the “go home beers” at Winston’s, local bands, etc.  I learned in late 2020 / early 2021 the importance of having the dreaded uncomfortable DTR conversation with a person that you are being intimate with.  I learned that I do not cope with heartbreak in healthy ways and that I date at times that I really shouldn’t be.  I wish my mom was more like the mom I knew in 2019 until October 2021.  I have learned to accept new realities.  I have learned most recently when it’s time to find a new job and what is absolutely unacceptable treatment from an employer of their long time valuable employees.  I think 2022 me is a new and improved me and I hope to continue the path of growth to becoming the me I really want to be.