josievents

[josievents]

[josievents]

don’t fucking test me

[josievents]

I'm another universe, I moved on as easily as you did.

[josievents]

event #2 why i don’t trust myself

june 15th. emily’s house. after we dropped joey off. i was supposed to be more like emily’s wingman but she was being so awkward about getting closer so i ended up .. i took aidan’s hat first and he goes “ugh why do girls keep taking my hat?” and i said “well if you wear it all the time, they’re going to want to wear it” and he just gave up and put the hat back on me. 

he was laying on all the pillows and blankets so i wrestled for my blanket then told him he could share a blanket with me if he gave me a pillow- immediately he gave me a pillow. we just laid there shoulder to shoulder. then we just touched each others shoulders for a bit. then he mentioned his hand was sweaty and he let me feel his hand and i felt up his fuzzy arm (lol wtf). eventually he just grabbed my hand and held it and i was so surprised, i was excited to finally be touching someone but i wasn’t warm about it. his hand wouldnt stop shaking. he was so nervous. then he put his hand on my thigh and kept rubbing it..? i like how bold the guy is but i wasn’t feeling it. before he left, he whispered “i can do more later” and i felt scared lmao like who is this guy

right after he left, emily was so pissed at me. she threatened to drop me. him. threatened to tell taylor. called me a hoe. then she decided to calm down because she still loves me. 

i am so mad with myself for letting this happen

#aidan

[josievents]

i want to be good so badly.

[josievents]

no wonder people think i’m a hoe or i’m nuts

i feel fucking crazy

and i know it’s not really like that. i’m just a teenager with intense emotions, i’m growing, etc whatever. but god it does not feel good knowing that people dislike or may even hate me. it does not feel good knowing that i dont trust myself anymore. how the fuck do you rebuild trust with yourself? i can love myself easy, but trust myself again? after all THAT? 

i wish i could just have simple relationships with people. i really wish i could. 

[josievents]

i was doing SO fucking good. i didn’t care about keven. hearing directly from me that he’s done and never wants to talk to me again was fine. i wasn’t hurt, i found it funny that now... now this.

but then i had a dream last night. nothing happened. he was just in my shadow, trailing behind me because we had the same destination but we were always with other people. i know what i was doing. i was trying to peacock and show off to him but he didnt care, he doesnt care, i am SICK of myself for keeping this up for so long

i dont know what to do 

when i think about taylor, my head just hurts because he is above this

#kr #tu

[josievents]

im so fucking sick of myself

i never saw myself as the type to have trust issues. i’ve always been super trusting of people that i’m pretty gullible. but now i don’t even trust myself? i don’t even know who i am anymore?

[josievents]

this is a slow burn for me, really. really i cant take a hint, i know, i know youve been done with me since like the day after we broke up honestly. and i knew i’d hang onto any little hope i could find.

but at this point, i dont want to be friends with you. i wouldve appreciated it if you were way more upfront about how you felt instead of not really mentioning it unless i really pried. you’ve disrespected me and maybe i disrespected you too, but not once did i talk shit about you. so maybe this break up really is for the best if this is how we’re going to act.

donezo.

#kr

[josievents]

I’m not going to ask. I’m not going to bring it into the light again. We already talked about this and you said you wouldn’t tell anyone so I’ll trust that and Christian will just have to do the same

I’m a little pissed off that Christian wants me to ask you to keep your mouth shut about the fact I sent him nudes before we broke up + the fact he’s in a relationship. It could mess up his relationship. It messed up our relationship. I don’t want to fucking text you or talk to you just to be like “oh hey can you not mention this very bad thing we did?” Bc it seems like it’s the kind of thing that when asked about, you might just talk about it. I don’t know.

#kr #christian

[josievents]

I’m a little pissed off that Christian wants me to ask you to keep your mouth shut about the fact I sent him nudes before we broke up + the fact he’s in a relationship. It could mess up his relationship. It messed up our relationship. I don’t want to fucking text you or talk to you just to be like “oh hey can you not mention this very bad thing we did?” Bc it seems like it’s the kind of thing that when asked about, you might just talk about it. I don’t know.

#kr #christian

[josievents]

i thought i wouldn’t cry anymore after hearing what joey told me but i’m crying again, in the end i just don’t want to stop loving you. i can’t force things. i’m helpless.

#kr

[josievents]

ahem, lol.

here we go again. last night at roughly 1 am, joey texted me and told me that you guys talked and so we talked about it. i even asked him to call me so we could get through it all and while it wasn’t much, hearing how done you were with me made me sob for the first good 30 minutes. it was ridiculous and joey’s never heard me cry before.

so anyway, i also found out a couple other things. i would be skeptical but i have never known joey to be a liar. i know you’ve said insulting things about me (like i’m ugly now or that i smell..?) and that doesn’t really bother me. you’re just being upset or if that’s not the case, who fucking cares because at one point you felt the opposite and either way, i’m not looking for your validation anymore. although i did hear you hate my mirror selfies. yea uh those are all archived. fuck you. the thing that struck me the most was that you said i’m the type of person to sleep around..? i slept with you because i loved you and to hear that coming from you was so unsettling and disrespectful, it was like, i just accepted that this isn’t going to happen anymore. i’m not going to waste my time on someone who doesn’t understand, respect or appreciate me anymore.

anyway on the not upsetting scale, i heard that you wanted a more romantic relationship. which, hah, was never brought up and i would have given it my all if i just knew that was what you wanted. i loved you a lot and i know i kept pushing the sex agenda but nothing would make me happier just holding your face. 

but it doesn’t matter anymore. today i didn’t talk to you. i smiled once back at you but i don’t think our relationship with each other will ever be like what it was before, actually being friendly, unless we were able to just talk and communicate again. which you seem unwilling to do. maybe with time things will change and currently, that’s the only thing i have to look forward to.

so for now, i’ll stop loving you unless for some reason or other. tough.

#kr

[josievents]

if i’m being honest, i’m feeling more pessimistic telling u my feelings but knowing my 10 outta 10 impulsiveness trait, i’ll do it anyway. type of person i am. to constantly express how i feel. i can and can’t wait. 

#kr

[josievents]

also if 1 mo person asks me “why’d u break up w him then” ima lose it

i broke up with him because i BROKE down and i didn’t even want to. i never wanted to. that was never ever ever what i wanted but it was like someone else was yelling in my ears, vibrating thru out my whole body and it was hell. i never wanted to. i probably don’t make any sense but i swear, it’s what it felt like, i had never felt every single fiber of my body move to do something that i knew in my heart i didn’t want to do, i thought “i don’t want to do this” when i broke up with him, i didn’t want to, i didn’t please

#kr

[josievents]

you know what, fuck that you didn’t call me today. i know you were upset about something, something i don’t know about and something you weren’t going to tell me. fuck that i missed you. fuck that.

new plan: i tell you how i feel in person. calling isn’t enough anymore to apologize and tell you all of my feelings. i’m serious about you. if i’m going to do it, it’ll be in person damn it! fuck! fuck me! i love you!

#kr

[josievents]

ok just to write this down because i like writing things down

this is the first few days since we saw each other before spring break

wednesday. you made lots of eye contact, kept looking at me, and i tried smiling just once at you but not a single time did you smile back or at me. i asked you later that night if we were friends or if you needed more time and you just said “i really dont wanna talk” and i thought u meant for like.. ever. and prepared my mindset to just ignore ur existence. 

thursday. we didn’t interact until 6th. i popped in my earbuds, jamming to music, getting work done and i look down at my phone and... you texted me. “dont call me keven anymore, call me rawcockin” HONESTLY it was a dumb nickname and i laughed and said “ok, rawcockin” and before you even opened it, you looked back at me so amused going “did you see my message?” i didnt really understand why you were such a 180 since yesterday. all smiles and shit, joking with me. i was happy but it made my stomach flip three times. we called later that night and i cried before and harder afterwards. 

friday. uhh you looked at me a few times in the morning, i didn’t really say hi or anything and neither did you. but on my way to 4th, you popped out and was like “watch out!” and jabbed the umbrella in my direction. and you hugged me. right? im not fucking crazy right? i watched your arm open up to hug me and i kind of followed through? that happened? i remember giving you a really nervous, confused look afterwards and as soon as i got inside my classroom, i sat next to kenzie and hunched over. i was happy, shocked, but also felt like i was going to puke and cry at the same time if i didnt compose myself quickly. i have not asked you about it yet. 

#kr