kornerwall

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Pain, heaviness and everything in between.

It’s 2:45 am of December 24, wow, Kobe was right-“time has wings”. I was looking at some photos from the previous UAAP season and man, I really thought I was over it or at least I thought that the pain of the season has somehow died down a bit. Well, this morning I found out otherwise and I can’t help but put it into writing.

It was heavy. To sum it all up, the season was just so heavy. It dragged my heart to the ground and I bet it wasn’t just my heart but as well as the hearts of my sisters (teammates). Every single time you hear that buzzer go off and know that you’ve lost once again, nothing could ever explain that feeling. A whirlwind of thoughts enter your head as to what had just happened during the last 40 minutes. But every single time, I can’t seem to arrive at an answer, I know that because the next buzzer would go off and still we find ourselves on the exact same position-bottom. As I go and shake the hands of the opposing team, in my puzzled state,  there’s this unseen battle that begins in my head. Two irreconcilable persons rage against each other, one is telling me to stay positive, the other screaming for me to throw in the towel; And every game lost, the latter gains strength and there are days when her screams take over the room and it tears me down, piece by piece. The unfortunate part, not to mention, is you never get numb with the pain, instead every game lost becomes more painful than the previous played. Eventually the pain weighs down on your body, on your mind, until it penetrates your heart and when it does, it takes thrice the energy to bounce back from it. It’s like a paint stain on your skin, water, in itself won’t do the job, and not even soap can take if off.

Painful would the other word to describe the season. Well, heavy was just the by-product of pain. There was no loss that I did not sob over-tears or without tears, benched or playing. But who am I kidding, I always had tears, a lot of it actually. I tried to contain it when a friend once told me that it wasn’t good to always be crying but I failed miserably. And this pain wasn’t all emotional, it has its way of creeping into your body and seeping into your bones. There are days when it paralyzes you. But it’s funny how it paralyzes you, numbing your body from all other emotions except the pain itself. For the worst part, it magnifies this emotion as all else is faded to the background. Every loss seemed to place another pound of weight on your already tired and frail body. And that last buzzer at our last game is like giving a fractured hand a tight squeeze. So tight, you begin to feel the bones of your palm slide against each other. It broke my heart. it broke our hearts. A year long of grind, day in and day out has bore no fruits.

But you stay true to the game, to the university and to yourself. I… stayed true to the game, to my beloved UP and to myself. I took an oath to fight with all my heart every time: injured or not, benched or playing, win or lose. And I think the pain and heaviness and everything in between all branch out from this oath, this character, this mindset or whatever you want to call it. It’s the price people pay for not giving up-you get hurt, you feel pain, it injures your soul and eventually weighs you heavy. But I believe just like how the painful mini-tears you get when you lift heavy weights would eventually lead to a stronger muscle and a better body, this too, shall be the same. Actually, to some extent it is now. The character you get out of these experiences is priceless. When you fight battles you know you could not win, or keep on with the race even when you know you’d be the last one to cross the finish line, these are the things that, I believe with all my heart, would get me through in life when the time comes that I am past this chapter.

“…those times when you get up early and you work hard; those times when you stay up late and you work hard; those times when don’t feel like working — you’re too tired, you don’t want to push yourself — but you do it anyway. That is actually the dream. That’s the dream. It’s not the destination, it’s the journey.” - Kobe Bryant

It’s already 5:05 am, this is enough writing for today.

#kobe #kobebryant #perseverance #uaap #uaap80

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BLUE EAGLE GYM BLUES!

The blue eagle gym and its dugouts will always hold happy memories for me and will always be close to my heart. This is where I played my first ever UAAP game and this is where we ended the team's 27 losing streak back in UAAP season 78. This is where happy tears were shed and sweaty post-game celebrations were made. But more importantly, this is where love, passion, grit and honor&excellence were strengthened and where relationships that would last a lifetime were formed. 

This morning could "probably" be the last time I'll set foot on those dugouts as a UP athlete, lay on it's floors to stretch, run on its halls to warm-up and sing and dance to our pre-game songs (aka Delane's playlist) out loud with the people that made this journey colorful and unforgettable (teammates, mahal ko kayo). 

So if, indeed, this morning was the last time I'll sit on one of those boxes while PTs tape my ever injured feet, my heart is still full in spite of the rough season and the unwanted results of this morning's game. This season and today's loss can never overshadow the wonderful memories made 2 years ago in these rooms nor take away the relationships formed throughout the seasons I have played. So those are the only memories I will take with me and that's all I hope to remember if ever I am drawn back to this place in the future. 

Moving on, hindi pa tapos ang laban. Isang huling bira sa sabado, lalaban ngunit para lamang sa mga tao na nananatili sa aming tabi, patuloy na tumatakbo, kasama sa labang ito. We keep our word, we will fight, fists raised high until the end! Hope you can support us one last time on Saturday, 10AM, Araneta. #LabanUP 

#labanup #upfight #UPnamingmahal

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2 more games; 5 more training days; Before an end to a year long of grind. I poured all that I could. I will pour all that I have remaining. #UAAP80 (at MOA Arena)

#uaap80

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✌🏼 (at Universal Studios Singapore)

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"Keep reminders of past struggle close to you so that you never forget the feeling that compelled you to strive for more..." - @coach_brettb #ConsciousCoaching . He nailed it. Loving this book coach @papa_emman! Salamat po ulit!

#consciouscoaching

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Patuloy ang laban! #UPdefeatsAdamson #UPfight . <Romans 9:16><

#upfight #updefeatsadamson

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Got the win! The Lord is good! Our happiness is real! #ItsPayingOff #UPdefeatsADMU . <Romans 9:16><

#itspayingoff #updefeatsadmu

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That's my #Squad! #44DaysToGo #UAAP80 #UPfight (at Hundred Islands, Alaminos, Pangasinan)

#uaap80 #44daystogo #upfight #squad

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"You gotta have bad days so you can love the good days even better!" ✌🏼 . Thank you @__rodas for the photo 😘 (at Hundred Islands, Alaminos, Pangasinan)

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"Para... Para... Paradise!" 🏖🌞 #upwbt #teambuilding (at Tubor, Pangasinan, Philippines)

#teambuilding #upwbt

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Last year, I'm ready for you! #slay (at Hundred Islands, Alaminos, Pangasinan)

#slay

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✌🏼 (at Hundred Islands, Alaminos, Pangasinan)

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It's not everyday that you get this view. Glorious. Such a good reminder of the important things. #nofilter

#nofilter

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Good Morning ✌🏼#PangasinanBound #teambuilding

#teambuilding #pangasinanbound

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#BaguioHits (at Mines View Park)

#baguiohits

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#Throwback to one of the best nights of my life! Thank you @coldplay! You have made our trip worth it! And thank you @tan_pops for making dreams come true. Always. Haha! #HymnForTheWeekend #Coldplay #ColdplayBangkok #AHFOD . . PS this reminds me to start making my Bangkok Travel video, ugh, its so late already! (at Rajamangala Stadium)

#hymnfortheweekend #throwback #coldplay #coldplaybangkok #ahfod

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I won't. It won't. . @paramore 💘