kyliemcmillon

[kyliemcmillon]

Reflection

This course was like a breath of fresh air for me. I personally really enjoy telling stories about my life and I was able to do that in all different forms. I understand the necessity of learning how to write argumentative and research papers, but someone’s personality cannot be seen through those. Personal writings are the best ways to hear someone’s voice, and I think that I found mine during this course. I think that my two favorite pieces of work that we analyzed are Tomboy and The Preacher’s Kid. As for Tomboy, I have never related more. I have been struggling with my identity for a while now because I do not want to look like a girl, but I also feel like a female deep down. To see this feeling described without the label of being transgender made me feel seen. I related to The Preacher’s Kid on some aspects that really affected my life as well. I was not raised in a religious home but my first girlfriend was, and the line about the other girl saying “we are just friends” hit a little too close to home. It was really nice to read and to hear about the experiences that I have had and many others have because you never see that in an english class. I really appreciate the fact that you made it your personal mission to choose pieces created by minorities; I wish more english teachers did this. I think that this class really opened my eyes to see just how many different paths you can take to tell a story. I will definitely be using some of the different writing techniques that we have seen throughout the semester in the future. If I were to change anything about this course, I would probably cut a book or two because some of them felt very rushed, but that is my only suggestion. Thank you for being the coolest english teacher I have ever had! :)

[kyliemcmillon]

Object Permanence

When I do not quite know what a word means or how to say it, it repeats in my mind all day after hearing it. Today it was object permanence. My friend explained to me what object permanence means, and how it feels when someone has not really developed that idea; once someone or something is out of their sight, they cannot form the idea that the person or object still exists. As these words were repeating in my head, I felt my brain shift. I was no longer living in the moment. I was looking at myself from an outside point of view. I am not permanent and no one in my life is either. Moments cannot last forever, but that is what makes them great, right? They are finite. This moment right now, me typing this blog post, is finite. We cannot stay in a moment because there are so many other amazing moments to be had. I am learning to love the idea of endings because with endings come new beginnings. I wrote this poem because I think it explains how I feel better than me saying it outright.

Object permanence

Nothing lasts forever

But I will spend my forever watching stars

And when the sun comes

I will wait for sunset

Although the sun is pretty

The night sky reminds me of endings

The end of another day 

The beginning of a new one

I appreciate the stars for what they are

Some are hidden and some are bright

But all of them are finite.

[kyliemcmillon]

Societal Pressure

I feel like I face societal pressure every single day of my life. No matter what I do, I always feel like I am not enough. If I am wearing a very masculine outfit, I feel attractive but am not seen as attractive. On the opposite hand, if I where something slightly feminine, I get so many compliments. That is not me, though. I am not made to be in a dress; I am made for a suit and tie. Today, I wore ripped skinny jeans and a Britney Spears shirt (love her by the way) and received so many compliments. Yet, when I wear my khakis and sweater, the most I get is “wow, you look very gay.” I mean, thanks, but that is not exactly what I wanted. Also, what does that even mean? I am gay all the time, but only when I wear this outfit is when I look gay? Such a strange compliment. This issue is why I am deterred from shopping in the “mens” section in any store because god forbid I get caught liking something more masculine. One time in a Bath and Body Works, they were starting to put out cologne, so of course I wanted to smell them. I always wanted to wear cologne but was too afraid of people saying “You smell like a boy.” In this moment in Bath and Body works, however, I became brave enough to buy myself cologne. As I was smelling all the different scents, a worker came up behind me and said, “excuse me ma’am, I just wanted to let you know that that is men’s cologne.” Wow!!! How very insightful, Karen, I will certainly keep that in mind! I still bought the cologne after this rather ignorant comment, but recent growth in confidence has been very minuscule. I still find it hard to buy clothing from the “mens” section, and even when I do, I rarely wear it. I feel so much societal pressure to be this idea of a “pretty girl,” but that simply is not who I am and never has been. I hope that I can grow to be more confident now that there are more queer role models to look up to, and soon present myself as authentically me all the time. This will obviously be a struggle, but I have never been one to give up when faced with a challenge. :)

[kyliemcmillon]

Coded language

This discussion really got me thinking about how many common phrases could be considered coded language. I recognize it when someone compliments me by saying “Wow, you actually look really pretty with make up on!” Usually this is said on a special occasion because I never wear make up, and it is honestly very hurtful. Apparently I am only pretty when I am wearing make up to them. I think that one area of coded language that I use quite often is like the gay version of “Bless your heart”: “I love that for you!” I mostly use this in a joking way, and whoever I say it to knows that I am being sarcastic; However I know that sometimes this could hurt someones feelings, so I am always making sure that I think before I speak.

[kyliemcmillon]

The little moments

It is the little moments that get me

It is when she looks at me and smiles

It is when she holds me in her arms

It is when she makes everything feel lighter

It is the little moments

It is when my dogs hug me 

It is when my mom says she is proud of me

It is when I am proud of myself

It is the little moments that make life feel less finite

It is the little moments that let me breathe

It is the little moments that let me feel free

[kyliemcmillon]

The Big Texan

On my family trip this summer, eating was pretty hard. We had grown accustomed to eating one meal a day and it being from a gas station. For days we had eaten nothing but chicken strips and potato wedges for our one meal and then snacked throughout the rest of the day. On our final leg of the trip, we had made it to Amarillo, Texas. Thank. God. The trip was amazing, but I was ready to be home; we were all absolutely exhausted. Once we arrived, it was around 8:00 pm. We had not had our one meal yet so I was starving. My stepdad was very excited about staying in Amarillo because of the very famous “Big Texan.” The Big Texan is a restaurant known for its steaks, and has even become a large tourist attraction. When we arrived, I saw cars with license plates from Colorado, Washington, even Alaska! Seeing that people from everywhere come to this restaurant, I got just as excited as my stepdad was. My stepdad walked into the restaurant to ask for a table and he learned that it was another hour wait before we could get seated. by this time it was already 8:30 pm so it was probably going to be 10:00 pm before we got to eat. I was pissed to say the least. Who wants to eat their first meal at 10:00 pm?! My stepdad walked out and said that he wanted to wait because he was looking forward to their steak, so we stayed sadly. While we waited impatiently, we decided to go into their shop and to appease me, my stepdad bought me a cowboy hat for fun. For the moment, I was having a good time... until we sat at our table. All of the tables were about one foot apart, which really did not match the prices on their menu. All four of our meals were about $20 a piece; my mom, stepdad, and I got steak and my brother got ribs. We received our food around 10:00 pm and I have never been so disappointed in my life! The steak did not even have salt and pepper on it! At that point, I would have rather eaten fried chicken and potato wedges from the gas station because at least it had flavor. My stepdad paid $100 for this terrible meal, and I will never forget that moment.

[kyliemcmillon]

This is the growth of my dog, Ellie. We got her right before our older dog passed away, so even through her psycho phase we kept her. When she was a puppy, it was not safe to be on the floor because that meant we wanted to play and her teeth were like razor blades. She is now two and has finally stopped being as crazy. I love her so much. <3

[kyliemcmillon]

My Fred Rogers

I think that my Fred Rogers would definitely be my mom, my close friends Diane and Erin, and my girlfriend. My mom has loved and accepted me as soon as I was born, but for Diane and Erin, we were complete strangers three weeks ago and I feel accepted. I feel most accepted by my girlfriend because we can be our weirdest selves with each other.

[kyliemcmillon]

Acceptance

It took me a long time to accept that people simply do not care about others. It was mind boggling to me because I am someone who always puts others first. I mean I am a sociology major; I wanted to choose a career where my sole focus was taking care of people. So seeing people constantly choose to only look out for themselves drove me insane. However, I realized that it just is not possible for everyone to care about people.

[kyliemcmillon]

Good ole Toyota Corolla

To preface, I am not much of a car person. When I bought my car, I knew absolutely nothing about how to take care of her. She, now named Jessica, was just an upgrade from my first car, Renee, who had no air conditioning and did not sound the healthiest when driven. When I had made this purchase, my stepdad said it would be best that I put Renee’s tires on Jessica since they were fairly new. Of course I agreed because what did I know? Well I had had Jessica for awhile before I realized one of the tires kept going flat; being the car expert he is, I had to have my brother explain to me that this was bad and it needed fixed right away, but I was in no rush. I just kept filling the tire up with air until it looked good and went on about my day. A month or so later, once again, another thing had to be taken care of - an oil change. Although I am considered an adult, I dragged my mom along with me for this oil change for a couple of reasons: 1. men are scary, and 2. I do not know how to ask for an oil change without looking absolutely clueless. Once we arrived at The Lube Shop (out of all the names you could choose, they chose that?), I pulled into the garage and they began to work on my car. After they changed out my oil, they told me that they were going to check my tire pressure before I left just to be safe. I then let them know that my front driver-side tire always leaks air, so it would probably be low. After they checked my tire pressure, they looked at me bewildered and said “You said this one is the one that leaks?” Mind you, my tire pressure is supposed to be thirty, and they soon told me that it was at sixty-two! I remember just slowly turning to my mother and her eyes being as wide as baseballs. She definitely had some choice words she wanted to say to me in that moment, but we were in public so she stuck with “Kylie Nicole, what the Hell?!” That is when I learned that I may not know anything about cars, but Jessica truly kept me alive despite my ignorance. Peace and love, Jessica, peace and love.

[kyliemcmillon]

Major event

My grandma passed away in 2019. This affected me heavily because she was  the only grandparent that cared about me. She spent her last day out of the hospital with me, and I think about it every day. This changed my entire perspective on life honestly. I had spent so much time dwelling on things that I shouldn’t that I took for granted the time I had with her; now she is gone and I am left with that guilt. Now, even though I study pretty much all of the time, I try to enjoy the time I have in life because I never know when that will be taken away.

[kyliemcmillon]

My person

My girlfriend is hard to read. I look into her eyes sometimes and I can feel the war going on inside her head. Although she is cold, she makes me feel warm. I think my description of her will change every day because she has a different personality every day it seems. Today she feels colder. I can tell when we interact, she isn’t welcoming or excited. But when we are physically together, I can feel the war in her head get quieter. 

[kyliemcmillon]

Actions mean love

When someone shows me something and tells me “This made me think of you,” I feel loved. The fact that a simple object or situation makes them think of me makes me feel special. When my mom and I openly talk about my sexuality and my girlfriend, I feel loved. Acceptance means love to me, and she accepts me because she knows I am happy. When someone tells me they are proud of me, I feel loved. I try not to be a person who seeks for other’s validation, but I do. So when someone tells me that they are proud of me, I feel on top of the world.

[kyliemcmillon]

Complex Relationship

I had a very complex relationship with my long-time best friend. Before senior year, everything was normal. However she began to change during senior year and started leaving me out of conversations and letting her family say bad things about me. I am not one for confrontation so when our relationship was going downhill, I was still her friend. I let her hurt me, but till the end I knew I was always a true friend to her. We have not talked in awhile, so when she posts big moments in her life on social media, it feels really weird not being apart of her life anymore.

[kyliemcmillon]

Grappling

I began to grapple with my sexuality in 8th grade. I had a boyfriend at the time, but this girl had just moved to my school and she changed the game for me. She was so open about being gay and I didn’t even realize that was a choice. I began to talk to girls and for awhile there was something inside of me telling me it was wrong. I had grown up Christian and was always told that girls could not love girls. Once I began to accept myself, I lost my faith and honestly I was okay with that. I didn’t want to be apart of a religion that thought my love was wrong or wasn’t real. I am now very happy and I have a girlfriend!

[kyliemcmillon]

#1 Fan

I played varsity basketball all throughout high school and I’m going to be honest, I was not the best. However there was always one person in the stands that disagreed with that fact - my mom. My mom never missed a game. No matter how far the drive, she was always there, and any mistake I made on the court, even when it was a huge cost to my team, she still encouraged me no matter what. Every single time I fouled, my mom would be so quick to defend me and say something like, “That girl was asking for it” or “I didn’t see anything wrong with her purposely pushing that girl down.” I remember one time I was dribbling down the court and this girl had clearly fouled me, but the ref didn’t call it. So what did I do? I ran as fast as I could down the court and pushed that girl into a wall as she was shooting. Although that was obviously unnecessary, my mom’s only thought was “I would have done the same thing, good job baby!” This may be a time where you question what lessons I am being taught, but all I can say is that I always know that she is there for me. In every step of life, including this one, I never doubt that she has my back. In fact, I called her a total of four times today because she is my best friend and I really needed that love and support on my first day. Her support means everything to me because a multitude of things. First, she’s my mom and making her proud is my #1 goal. Secondly, I know people my age whose parents do not support them the way that she supports me. I came out my sophomore year of high school and she made it her duty that her love for me wasn’t even questioned. I could not imagine what it feels like to not be able to be completely yourself with your mom, but I have seen it. It truly makes me appreciate my #1 fan that much more. And lastly, she is just super awesome.

To close, I would like to state that my mom is really the reason I stay afloat. The reason I will remember playing basketball so fondly is because of her. I will remember how anxious I would be before a game, and all I had to do was was scan the room and find her. Suddenly I would be at ease. Knowing she was there reminded me that I would always have at least one person cheering for me.

#mom