lambert2269

[lambert2269]

Knowing how to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me

#hehehehe

[lambert2269]

Hey @berengar2269 Why do cows have bells?

Because their horns don't work.

#hehe

[lambert2269]

Having a crush is the worst, because you are both utterly terrified of them finding out and also quietly, silently wondering if it wouldn't be so bad if they did.

[lambert2269]

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep with a moody cow?

An animal that's in a baaaaaaaaaaad mooooooooooood

[lambert2269]

... I literally forgot about these entire shenanigans, man. @gaetan22269 This was logged in on my phone, I'm dying giggling reading back all the silliness.

[lambert2269]

How do you make an egg giggle? Tell it a yolk.

[lambert2269]

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids.

I’m a faux pa.

[lambert2269]

Knock, Knock

who's there?

Daisy

Daisy who?

Daisy me rollin' they hatin'

[lambert2269]

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night…

oof.

#heh

[lambert2269]

Son, you're adopted

"I Knew it! I want to meet my biological parents."

"We are your biological parents, your adoptive parents will come for you tomorrow."

#law of kiss my ass

[lambert2269]

In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.

You’ve got koi’s A, B, C, and then the D koi

[lambert2269]

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

[lambert2269]

When I was a kid my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. As it turns out, identity theft is a crime.

[lambert2269]

#Pants are overrated it's true

[lambert2269]

Woke up today. It was terrible.

[lambert2269]

I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

[lambert2269]

There is one word that describes people that don't like me: Irrelevant.