last3braincellswhodis

[last3braincellswhodis]

[last3braincellswhodis]

I am so confused.i feel like my brain thinks two things at the same time.Ok so in my head im like ok I'm gonna be positive nd this year is gonna go positive nd then suddenly one part of my head goes like...what if it doesn't go positive nd u screw up again like crazy.i feel like i try really hard but I've still not tried my hardest...but the thing is I'm scared of trying my hardest because I'm scared tht the result will be bad.I feel like every single day I feel less nd less special.when i started out all i remember is feeling really special nd now tht I've started feeling so less special it's like idk I just feel bad for myself as a person living inside my own body... because I have to experience things which idk my brain just doesn't feel good experiencing.And the thing is I'm so torn between what reaction to give to certain things....it's like some people r always giving no matter what shit they r going through..nd then some PPL dont want to give when they r going through shit...when I go through shit I can't understand whether to be this extra selfless person...or be this not extra selfless person who is interested in benefiting herself nd having a better experience in life but not at the cost of others

I think I am selflessly selfish.

[last3braincellswhodis]

I just want to hide somewhere in a warm place nd just be there everything is so scary I am so scared of everything.

[last3braincellswhodis]

Hi....i wanted to say some stuff...i wanted to say that I have been trying for some normal colleges over here nd going to give their entrance...could be tht the colleges turn out pathetic but atleast I'll be in pune i guess...i saw their sample papers nd they were idk i have started to feel very scared of the maths nd drawing part of it.I think i can draw but it depends if my ability wants me to draw tht day because i think my ability to do things changes everyday...on some days i draw fyn on some days it comes out trash.Then there is maths...i was solving the question papers nd everything in my head started to jumble nd while doing it i felt like these questions would be easy for any normal human nd i know there r tricks to do it but I'm getting so confused nd jumbled.My parents told me tht i can have a days rest but tht never happened so i asked when can I finally rest nd they said after u get admission in some college.i also went to the forest nd did some volunteering work...i thought it might be difficult but it wasnt tht difficult so ig i can plant trees ig.idk when I'll come back to take my stuff back to Pune can be tht i come there before any of you'll if my college starts.

I went to mall yesterday to just eat in between manya s grad day...i saw few shops there...i liked one bag accessory it was pretty nd i kind of secretly wished to myself tht i could buy it.But i cannot wish for things now because I'm now not going to any good college.unless i get a job i can't ask my parents for anything I'd like to buy...i feel like i won't deserve it.im scared to go to my new college because i secretly think i won't be able to do good there also.i wish i fail a little less this time.i will learn everything...cooking cleaning organising....one day I'll cook for u very nice nd healthy things nd ull love my food i swear.ill also earn money one day hopefully nd be a lot more capable of doing things on my own hopefully.i am very afraid I'll have to spend rest of my life just trying nd failing trying nd failing nd i ll never be able to do something i love.Maybe I'll die trying nd failing or there will come a point where I'll succeed a little nd be able to earn money.idk.Idk if I'll see u again also could be i do but idk.Im sorry for everything i couldn't be....idk maybe to u it will feel like another excuse but i really feel like I'm not like other people...I'm slow nd i have a lot of trouble w food for past 20yrs.i will try to solve everything nd ull be happy of me.thnku

[last3braincellswhodis]

I feel so tired nd sick of life i wish someone could come in my body and feel it.i really want to departure from earth.i feel like there's nothing good left for me.every little bad thing just gives me trauma.Im traumatised of the kind of scary things which happen to PPL,I'm scared of bullies,I'm scared of failure,I'm scared I'll never be able to do what I love.I wish my parents stopped criticising my likings like for eg makeup.i really wished my parents were like my frnds.i can never be frnds w them.they to me feel very scary,manipulative and i hate the way they live their life and they say they ll let me do what I love nd rest but don't let me do any of it.Just Bec my dad can wake at 7 30 he expects me also to do tht.im in such a horrible relationship with them where i feel neither of them understand me or care for me they just care abt my studies so i can earn as fast nd they can get rid of taking care of me as fast.Idk man i wish i was never born

[last3braincellswhodis]

Verbal Warning

Tags: MLQC, Victor, MC, verbal abuse, verbal humiliation, angst.

This may turn into a full story, but for now, have a oneshot. Anytime I hear Victor being a dick to MC, this is what I picture. Enjoy the pain.

You were starting to believe it...

'Dummy'

'Are you an idiot?'

'Only a fool would come up with this nonsense and make these kinds of mistakes'

You ignored those jabs at first since it felt as though he was simply pushing your buttons to kickstart a fire under your butt. Words that were meant to solicit a harder push toward producing interest worthy reports.

At first, they worked. At first, you found yourself working hard into the night, sacrificing sleep, just to wipe that smug look off the stupid CEO's face. At first, those late nights gifted you with phenomenal episodes of Miracle Finder.

But all that glitters is not gold. Because lately, it seemed as though no matter how much you tried, your reports, your episodes, and your meetings were less than successful. Victor took notice.

In a small corner of your mind, you pleaded with whatever God was listening that day that your meeting with Victor, by some miracle, would help you gather your senses and get back into the swing of things just this once; that he might spare you the pain of his usual verbal lashings and just give you a deadline to resubmit your recent report instead.

Alas, that was a pipe dream; your luck had run out. And there you stood across from him, head down with tears burning your sodden cheeks.

After entering his office prior, no pleasantries were exchanged, only the sound of stapled paper flapping through the air and landing in a pile at your feet broke the previous deafening silence.

Your report.

You had reached to grab it, but he stopped you with his glare alone.

"Leave it…" he said sternly. "On the ground. Although if I could burn it where you stand, I would…"

Oh no…

"Is this really what I've chosen to invest my money into?" His leather chair creaked with protest as he reclined back, hands folded on his lap.

If looks could kill, you were certain you wouldn't be breathing in that moment. You let out a breath just to be sure.

"Sir, I-"

His eyes darkened.

"Fucking moron"

Shot 1

"I've explained this a multitude of times until I was practically blue in the face, and yet you still managed to produce this garbage heap of words. How fucking stupid can you be?"

Shot 2

"Sir, I'm truly sorry I-!"

"Your apologies won't pay back the time and money I've filtered into your shit show as of late. Have the low ratings, loss of venues, and canceling of guests not served enough as a slap in the face for you to stop dragging your damned feet and produce something even a CHILD wants to watch?" Victor cracked a crooked smirk. "Then again, I suppose one can't expect much of a person whose IQ matches that of a toddl-Look at me when I'm talking to you!" He frowned "Tears won't produce results. As of right now, I'm pulling my funding until you bring me a report thats worth a damn. "

"Please, no-!"

"Just get the fuck out, NOW"

Shot 3

You teetered where you stood. Was the ground even below you anymore? Because you were sure you were falling into a black abyss. The last thing you remember from that day was his large hand waving to dismiss you from his sight. And with one last pleading glance back at that ominous black suit sitting across the room, you disappeared. Crumpled report left behind.

Heart in pieces at your feet.

[last3braincellswhodis]

Reluctant

#relationship sad

[last3braincellswhodis]

Pain is the greatest teacher.

.

.

[last3braincellswhodis]

they should make a pill that makes people in their 20s feel good about where their lives are going

[last3braincellswhodis]

I wish they taught a class on what being a normal human is like

Like, the normal amount of pain is zero. The normal amount of wishing you weren't ever born is zero. Food isn't supposed to itch or hurt*. Going numb (any time outside sitting in one position too long) isn't normal. Passing out isn't normal. Normal people take like 10-20 minutes to fall asleep, and sleep like 6-9 hours. You're supposed to get one period a month, which is manageable with a few tampons or pads a day and lasts 3-6 days.

These are all things I had to find out later, like a moron.

(fibromyalgia, depression, allergies, cataplexy, narcolepsy, PCOS and endometriosis)

*spicy food is supposed to hurt?

[last3braincellswhodis]

Instead, pray and ask God to give you friends who can understand you

[last3braincellswhodis]

I wish I didn't have to grow up

[last3braincellswhodis]

Everyday i look at people and wish that they never leave please

[last3braincellswhodis]

I feel like a lot of my anxiety comes from the fact tht everyone around me is going to die one day nd i may experience that nd tht makes me so so so fucking scared every single day of my life.

[last3braincellswhodis]

Goals:get better at body drawing speed nd slow

Finish one sketchbook

Complete blender

Complete model

Don't be scared

Learn more

[last3braincellswhodis]

I feel u need to love work tht u do.

Nd i simply hate it.

[last3braincellswhodis]

Is sacrificing fun nd working all the time really great when ur future is something u don't even know