armadanovel

[armadanovel]

Wondering what boop count your 3 letter word corresponds to? I gotchu:

Using a python script I wrote, I booped myself 50,000 times, saving an image of my boop-o-meter every 500 boops. Before we get into the results, there are two important limitations to this study that I should mention:

Firstly, because I only recorded the boop-o-meter every 500 boops, if a message appeared for less than 500 boops it may not have been caught.

Secondly, every now and then my computer would lose a boop or two when a click wouldn't register. This is seen in the 500 and 1000 boop images below, which in reality read 498 and 994 respectively. Because of this, boop values are slightly lower than they appear.

With that out of the way, lets dig in.

0-999:

From boops 0-999, the boop-o-meter displays your boop count, and changes color as you boop

Boop count: 0 Boop count: 500 Boop count: 1000

Boop fact: the colors do not change after 1000

LOL:

Between boops 1000 and 1500, the boop-o-meter changed to display 'LOL'. This likely took place at 1000 boops, but maybe it said 'MAX' or sumn for awhile at first? Idk this is already the misinformation website so not my problem.

Boop count: 1500 (actually more like 1490 ish)

More results below the cut

OMG:

Between 1500 and 2000, the boop-o-meter changed to display 'OMG'. Again, this probably happened at 1500 but who knows. Maybe staff made it 1523 for the bit or something.

Boop count: ~2000

WOW:

The boop-o-meter remained at omg until the 3500 boop readpoint, when it switched to 'WOW', meaning this transition happens somewhere between ~2980 and ~3480.

Boop count: ~3500

Boop fact: 'WOW' is the second longest reigning message

*-*:

Between 5000 and 5500 the boop-o-meter switched to '*-*'. You get the idea at this point so I'll speed it up.

Boop count: ~5500

WHY:

The boop-o-meter changed to 'WHY' between 6000 and 6500 boops. For science. That's why.

Boop count: ~6500

PLZ:

Next was 'PLZ', switching between 7000 and 7500.

Boop count: ~7500

AAA:

I'm not sure what bloody urine has to do with anything, but for some reason staff felt is was important to display, switching between 7500 and 8000.

Boop count: ~8000

;_;:

Huh the colon makes that one look weird. 8000-8500.

Boop count: ~8500

Boop fact: That fucking cat haunts me in my dreams

0_0:

I realized after I set my pyautogui script running that my computer wouldn't turn off its screen because of the clicking, so there was a strobing blue light in my room all night. This encapsulated my expression while trying to sleep (8500-9000).

Boop count: ~9000

MAX:

After 9000 it displayed 'MAX'. This was cap. (9000-9500 switch).

Boop count: OVER 9000 (9500)

<33:

I miss my wife. 9500-10,000.

Boop count ~10,000

TUM BLR:

THE HOLY GRAIL. The boop-o-meter switched to displaying 'TUM BLR' between 10,000 and 10,500 boops. Because my actual boop count was slightly behind my theoretical, I'd guess that this change happened at 10,000 boops.

Boop count: ~10,500 (likely switched at 10,000)

Summary:

When charted the boop curve looks as follows:

Boop curve: 0 - 10,000 boops

My script continued to run until 53,000 boops, but no further changes were observed. Again, there were quite possibly more messages at lower boop values, but my ass is not checking. Maybe I should have scaled my sampling accordingly, but it is what it is. Thank you for joining me on this journey, and if you have any corrections or more information, please add it to this post.

Boop fact: Terfs DNI

[armadanovel]

By the time you left, it had been two years since we spoke.

Four since we met.

Three since that night when you asked me if I would teach you some chords;

You've officially been gone longer than I knew you.

Nobody I still speak with knew you, and on days like today I want to reach out to those who understand the weight of what we lost, but -

What would I say? All I have left of you is a letter and a memory of a summer day on that hill, placing your fingers where mine had been on a guitar that would become as much a part of my story as you.

I wonder, sometimes, if you knew how much you had helped me.

Yours was the first voice that called me friend that rang true, and I can never thank you enough for that

And it feels more wrong than ever that you never got to see the world in all its ugly beauty

I know you couldn't see it, in the end, but I hope I was able to reflect some of the light you shone back at you, and that in some way I eased your pain like you did mine.

I'm not sure I believe in heaven, these days, but i hope you know how much you mattered - and still do, to this day.

Thank you, T.

#grief is a funny thing #mine #poetry #i wish so many things #but most of all I wish I could have held you #eased your burden somehow

[armadanovel]

Uneasy Lies

I was digging through some old files to find world building notes for my dnd campaign and I found this old excerpt of a novel I’ll probably never finish - and no, I have no idea what tatwig was supposed to mean XD. Enjoy the unintentional projection of a burnt out college kid!

----------------------------

Acting when action is demanded isn’t bravery. It’s the presentation of choice that creates that bravery.

There was, she thought, nothing special about what had happened that day. Nothing worth remarking upon. There was no glory in going for a walk.

If she had once been paralysed, perhaps the miracle in the action would make it noteworthy. Or if she were a famous musician, a politician, or really anyone worth noticing, but no.

There would be no grand inquiry, no fourth-year history class analysing the steps she took to get to where Ally now sat alone, staring out at the sea foam that rose from the wind-struck whitecaps from a bench that could tell her life’s story.

She took as deep a breath as her tight chest would allow, willing the anxiety to fade as she pulled out a weathered notebook, and began to read.

               There is no bravery in prophecy.

She could almost hear Crow’s derisive chuckle through the page, and it took everything in her to not hurl the book into the ocean in front of her. She took another breath – shakier this time – and continued.

There are things that only experience can make you believe, and that – I believe, anyway – is one of them. Cal had done his best to warn me – of course he had. He did what he could to prepare me, but the weight of a crown has always been a heavy one and no framework he built would have held it for me.

               I hated him for that, you know. Hated you, too. Most of all, though, I hated the world for not giving me a clean answer until it did.

               Then, I hated the world for the answer it gave me.

The answer the world had given. T.A.T.W.H.G. Tatwig.

They had been children, really. Technically old enough to drive, not quite old enough to drink, and supposedly competent enough to choose their own destinies. Children.

The world had felt dark. There was a freedom of movement and choice that was somehow both a trick of the light and a endless snaking network of corridors and doors, equal parts paralyzing and constricting, and for all that they’d smile and say, “Just tired, thanks”, it felt like there was nothing to hope for that was achievable.

Ally had been a ‘gifted child’ in school, and there was an expectation of greatness that she felt compelled to live up to.

Crow had been a burnout, the crooked kid that would never amount to anything that their mother couldn’t buy.

Theo had been an asshole.

There had never been a real light at the end of the tunnel for any of them. There was happiness to be found in the chaos whenever they could let go of their great expectations, but it always felt like a poor reflection, or a piece of another life they’d never get to live.

For her part, Ally never thought she’d live past nineteen. Dying just seemed easier. She told herself she’d never commit suicide, but if she could die without consequence she would have.

Life held no spark, the Ocean didn’t care, and Ally St Claude only stayed alive because to die would be to inconvenience those closest to her.

She didn’t know when it had started, that feeling that her only real purpose lay in being convenient, or whether it came before or after her paranoia about being inconvenient.

#original writing #ocs #uneasy lies #lmao i had no awareness of my own mental health but it evidently bled hard into my writing #I'm p ok with how this reads tho

[armadanovel]

I see you. I’ve been confused and lost and unable to see any sort of end. I promise it comes. It’s never how you’d expect it, and it happens so slow that one day, you look up and go, “I’m happy again. I see the sun. I’m proud of myself,” and that feeling rises in you and sets you aglow with love. It’ll happen. The awful thing about pain is that sometimes you just have to feel it. Cry and mourn and let yourself be sad, please, but know joy is so much closer than you’d think ❤️

this. this. this. this. i love you.

[armadanovel]

I had a dream about you last night -

In it, you were nothing like you were

But everything I was afraid you could be.

I don't want this to be how I remember you

But i'm terrified that it might have been true

And I just never saw it.

[armadanovel]

Yesterday was painful, empty

But sleepless nights still have dreams of a kind

The day after this may be horrid,

The hurt may never go away.

But for as long as life is lived,

There still will be another day.

And that day will come and go,

Followed by another

A pessimist has made my head its home,

But I am not so far gone as to forget

That there is, was, and still will be

A million other things

And a fool I'd be - a hypocrite, too -

To not believe that some of those days, those things

Would be better than today

And so I'll live, at least today

And maybe tomorrow, too.

And who knows, perhaps we'll see

The end of 'going through'.

#snippets #poetry #i really like the line 'sleepless nights still have dreams' #mostly because it reminds me that my adhd ass brain racing around causing problems #is just as real as the time an army of ferrets phased through the walls of my house to eat me #that and 'maybe we'll see the end of going through' #its not as clean as I'd like it to be #but the sentiment #and the wordplay #i quite like - the reminder that 'going through something' means that someday #you'll come out the other side

[armadanovel]

I've always tried to remind myself that love is in the small things

Turns out grief is too. It leads me to believe grief isn't just the byproduct of love, but rather a part of it -

The place where love was becomes the trap you fall into when you least expect:

An image from a game they loved, the movie you never got around to watching together, the present you bought but never got to give -

Turns out, nearly three years is enough time to plant a lot of trees whose roots are just as ready to ensare as they are to support.

#heartbreak #fucking sucks #i miss them! i want nothing more than to hold them again #and for them to tell me it was all a nightmare #or that theyre sorry #they didnt mean it #but i know thats not gonna happen #even if i cant accept that just yet #their stuff is mostly gone and so is our relationship. #i really thought they were gonna be my future #21 years of life where i couldnt see a future with me in it #and then one glorious year where i could #and now its gone #im really sad

[armadanovel]

We see who we wish we were

And we love that person instead

#snippet #something i wanna turn into a song when i can

[armadanovel]

There comes a time in every life

When 'there' is not enough.

When those around you aren't there by choice

And choice is what you need.

"Your anxiety's too much for me"

You say, "for me alone, that is"

But I don't know who else to tell,

When 'there' is all there is.

'It's been three weeks', I say

'Since anyone's reached out.'

I cannot say that that gives hope

That I am cared about.

Because a soul laid bare is personal

I can't just talk to anyone who

Happens to be 'there'.

I need someone who chose

To be here by my side

One who's here because they want to be,

Not because they just are.

You say it's unhealthy -

I couldn't agree more

But that reminder's not what I need

When I'm writhing on the floor.

Of course I wish they'd help me up!

What fucking planet are you on?

But they don't even see me there -

They see me, smiling, happy

And go on their merry way

Not thinking, caring, wanting

To see if there is more.

#sorry i cant be your shoulder rn cos i dont have emotional energy #im fuckin peeved #and real hurt #what I want is for someone to hear me when I say people don't really like me #stop seeing that people talk to me! thats not the fucking point! #the point is that there is two people! two! #who have texted me of their own volition #in fucking months #maybe more #the point is that Im hardly gonna go up to someone who doesnt choose to talk to me #and be like #'hey i feel unwanted by everyone because nobody talks to me' #like what the fuck #also - is valid #following that up with 'hey sorry i didnt respond i was being somebody elses shoulder'? #not fucking cool #saying that its different because my issue took energy while theirs took none - you dont even fucking know what my issue is? #what the hell #where do you get off like. #ugh. #am i depressed? yes #am i very fucking hurt? also yes #does that mean I'm not fucking pissed? absolutely not #mine #poetry

[armadanovel]

Though this night is cold and stark,

And still sweet sorrow sings

There is, was, and still will be

A million other things.

This is not the end, my friend

And though the darkness stings

There is, was, and still will be

A million other things.

Through it all life will go on

Though sorrows bell may ring

There is, was, and still will be

A million other things.

#poetry #coronavirus #hope #poem #hey yall long time no see #its 4am here quarantine really has me back on my bullshit #say hi! im bored as hell!

[armadanovel]

My dear, I'm sorry.

I'm too stuck on what-ifs and could-have-beens

I dont give you the attention you deserve, too focused on love like movie scenes

Too drunk on pain like I deserve to hurt, still expecting life to owe me a debt of goodbyes

My brain still churning out old stories that have me mesmerized, still showing images captured between their thighs.

My love, you deserve to be all that I have

You should be run ragged in my mind and I should fall, should break, should hand you my halves and have you do what you will with them

But you cross my mind rarely and I dont treat you fairly and I don't do what I want and that scares me.

I'm not always who I want to be, darling.

Im sorry.

[armadanovel]

Note to self

You aren't alone

You're never alone

And it will all be ok.

[armadanovel]

Dear God

Dear God, I feel like a broken man

A broken record

I feel like I dont know how to feel

As if I'm not real, not right

As if I'm something put together wrong

And I know its not anyone's fault, and I know it's especially not yours

But I'm scared.

I'm terrified that what I thought was real never was, and I'm not sure what scares me more; that I might hurt you, or that I might not care.

My emotions come sporadically now, and I don't know why

And I've felt more alone, but never more confused

I thought I knew what was wrong, I thought I understood my own malfunctions

But I dont and I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm anxious. And I'm overwhelmed by how much that is to feel at once.

I just wish I could be certain for once, about something - anything!

If you exist, if you're there, if you care, if I'll ever be well or if I can ever pick up this mat and walk again.

Walk again, or for the first time.

I don't even remember if this has happened before.

I dont remember anything from more than a few years ago, and I don't know why.

Another thing wrong with me, I guess.

I just wish I had a list, so I could at least trace my behaviour to its source, to know I'm not broken, just glitching.

But til then I'll have to be unsatisfied with what I have.

#ugh #so i feel shitty #poetry #ish #not really #mostly a vent post tbh

[armadanovel]

Tidal wave.

When a life comes to its end

When the clock runs down for the final time

Whether the clock was smashed or it simply ran out

Pain follows.

And that's ok.

But what isn't ok -

What wasn't ok

What is never ok

Was for you to give up on a life unlived

You didnt give us a chance

Didnt even say goodbye.

I would give my life for you, you know that?

I would have given my life for you.

If I had only known - if i had seen, if i had listened, if I had heard that pin drop

If I had heard that rope snap tight.

If.

If.

When.

If.

Why.

It wasn't okay and God, I am so angry

Furious

Is that right?

I don't know

Am I jealous?

I -

I'm lost.

I'm lost.

How can I have hope if you, even you, lost it?

How can I -

How could you

Did we even cross your mind, before?

Did you stop and think?

It wasn't your time

I hope God exists and that you're with him

If only so I can know why when I see you again

What could I have done to make it better?

Could I have made anything better?

Does it ever get better.

The pastor at your service told me it was your time, that you fell to a disease just like a cancer on you brain but-

I'm sick too

But I couldn't -

Would I?

No. Not yet. Not in this life unlived.

#one of my friends from years past committed suicide last year #i wrote this like a week after #and im sharing it now because I miss her #and because it still hurts #poetry #mine

[armadanovel]

Kick Drum Heart

Music sometimes feels like the only thing giving my life value –

Sitting here, surrounded by instruments and speakers and drums and other various tools of the musicians trade, this may not come as a shock.

But it feels at times as if I was put together wrong, some missing piece only briefly set right by the hit of a snare or the strum of a chord

Some frantic beast in my chest only calmed by strings and soft vocals

Anxiety, at least.

And I know that I’m not broken -- not traditionally, anyway.

That it’s the ADHD, an imbalance of chemistry that makes me tick to a different rhythm than my peers -

But it kills me sometimes.

Because sitting to my left is a bill for medical services, four months overdue

To my right, an umpaid parking violation stacked on top of an uncashed cheque

And it should be so easy to stop for a moment, to pause and put these both to rest

But it isn’t

And I hate that.

#hey #im back #poetry #freeverse #music #mental health is hard

[armadanovel]

Is this account dead? Are you still posting poetry here?

Hey, to you and anyone else who might be wondering: no, this blog isnt dead, but my laptop is. and frankly, typing on my phone suuuucks, so. Call it a temporary hiatus. Thanks!

[armadanovel]

I want

It's been a long day

For both of us

And I get it, I do

When you say "I'm tired, I'm sorry"-

I get that that means more than is said

God knows how often it plays in my head

But I'm sick of being the one holding,

I'm longing to be held

All I want is to be held

But I can't find that comfort

That much should be clear

And if you need proof, well,

I'm saying this here.

Not to you, not to her,

she's been going through hell

Not to him, nor to them,

I don't trust them enough

The few that I trust, trust me to hold

And it's expected, at least I think,

That I be doing well

For as long as they're drowning,

I have to swim

But I don't know how much longer I have

Until I sink

I'm just tired, I guess

And wanting to know love

To feel safe, or at least seen

At least heard, without my speaking a word

I want to be known.

#mine #poetry #i had a. sorta shitty day ok #if you know me irl i dont want to talk about it #thx #sad #angst #its bullshit but im legit tired so idfc