laurenindiaaa

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Natalie Portman in Closer (2004) dir. Mike Nichols

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it isn’t what I could’ve said, nor is it what I would’ve or should’ve said. It’s what I can say, what I am saying. I’m to scared to share with you how I really feel because you couldn’t even begin to comprehend let alone understand the depths in which I’m sodden with painful, intelligent bliss. to know is to understand, to understand is to be vulnerable to be vulnerable is to fall and to fall is to love and to love is to heal and to heal is to contentedness and to contentedness is to BE. and isn’t that what everyone wants? to be. to live. to exist. 

they’re wrong. knowledge isn’t power. and ignorance isn’t bliss. fuck the stereotypes. I've known. I've BEEN knowing, and everything always draws me back. the string. the tether. the invisible attachment. you’re here. I feel you. I don’t feel so broken when you’re around. or I feel more broken? I don’t know. maybe neither. maybe both.

I tried to convince myself there’s still something good in you. I've tried to convince myself maybe you’re worth sticking around for. I’ve tried to convince myself you’ll change. you don’t. haven’t. won’t. i hate you. i loathe you, with every inch of me. you blackmailed me. lied to me. manipulated me. forced me to fuck you when I didn’t want to. there’s nothing here for me anymore. why do I still want you to know how much you’ve destroyed me?

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in the late nite

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the saddest thing i’ve ever done was beg someone to love me the way I loved them

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“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.”

— Emery Allen (via perrfectly)

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I used to think; what if I dyed my hair dark? What if I posted edgier pictures?  What if I liked that band? What if I lost the weight? I fell into the void of trying to be someone you wanted. I couldn’t stop myself and I began to become the alter ego I’d created to please you. I began to hate myself and relate to self-depreciating lyrics, and began to mirror personalities of people you’d told me you were attracted to. Since then, I’ve found it difficult to know who I really am and to get along with myself. Through the simple fear of, if I stop being ‘that girl’, I practically cease to exist to you. You’d naturally remain the predominant thing in my life, and I’d fail to seem mysterious and sexy to you. Which of course has the knock on effect of you not being interested, resulting in me fading away. Something that’s always been my biggest fear. 

I’ve always been a safety blanket to you. Sheltered you when real things started to affect you as they would an average person, and attempted to cushion the blow. You appreciated that and began to get comfortable. The persona I’d created became an expectation to you. Who I was pretending to be, became someone you had feelings for. And sometimes, I tried to ease in personality traits that actually belonged to me, and you’d get scared and back yourself away from me. So, naturally I resorted back to being the person I’d always been to you, which became a defense mechanism in every relationship I’ve ever had. 

I have trust issues. To say the least. But every word that came out of your mouth I believed without hesitation, because I knew you weren’t the type of person that took feelings lightly. And you would only convey them when you wanted something you couldn’t have. Which was of course, part of who I created. Every ‘I love you’, every ‘I miss you’ and every fucking ‘I need you’ consolidated the fact that I might be something you wanted. When, in reality, I have only ever been there for comfort, and for your own ego-inflation. Because you know I’ve always loved you. 

It has taken me 6 years to realize I have always prioritized someone who I’ve only ever been considered an “option” to. And that shit sucks man.That shit fucking sucks. People told me you wouldn’t matter in a few months. People told me the pain will fade in years to come. And people told me I would forget. But here I am, however many fucking years later, still forcing a fantasy that will forever remain a fantasy. And I fucking sit here, writing pages about heartbreak. When I should be out, living the best years of my life, when in reality the only things that hinder my doing so, are my lack of confidence, of friends and of self-awareness. All things that have presented themselves to me through the version of myself that you love. The person that I am physically and emotionally incapable of ridding. 

I never have and never will be more to you than that of a doormat, a rebound and a last resort. And yet, despite my ongoing fear of being without you, I continue to place myself in situations that provide me with no choice but to wake up to you, and hear yet another excuse as to why you’re not the person you promised you would be for me. And myself, subconsciously setting for it, because I’m accepting the love you’ve taught to deserve.

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I don’t wanna live but I‘m too scared to die.

Olivia O‘Brien

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im so scared the rest of my life is gonna feel like this