lemons-and-ashes

[lemons-and-ashes]

Lorelai: "I'm good at doing what I HAVE to do"

#lorelai gilmore #gilmore girls

[lemons-and-ashes]

February 3, 2024

Question for the day: When did I stopped writing and journaling my good thoughts and emotions and things that are okay in my life?

Let's start this year but in the month of hearts. ❤️

When i imagine myself starting journaling again, I can only think of bulleting or summarizing my past thoughts which are all negative, this is what I had in mind:

Got allergies 🤧 during new year's eve celebration 🍾 while at my husband's family gathering causing bad energies

I got LAID OFF from my beloved company. This is my current situation and I'm job hunting still. This caused and triggered one of my dilemmas, how will I support my mother now?

But I forgot all the great things.

I have friends and family

I have support

I am grateful

I am loved

I am not alone in this kind of situation

When i got laid off, I did not hesitate to tell my closest relatives. They came to our place. We never discussed about it without me opening the topic first. They just went there for the presence and company. I appreciated that.

My best friend also came over. She's kind of experiencing a challenge and change in her career life which I think made me realize that I am not alone and we all just fighting and braving this life.

I have a husband now, I have a great support system. He's strong, well mannered, making decent and honest decisions. I still admire his integrity even after a year of living together and seeing all his sides. He's one of a kind and I love him and I think he should run for presidency but I love him selfishly so I will not let that happen.

I am reading this book now titled: "Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before" by Dr. Julie Smith and I am listening to this Disney Piano Version of "Snow White: Someday My Prince Will Come" and I remembered that this is the VERY FIRST MUSIC/SOUND that I remembered. I mean this is the first tune that I recognized when I started to gain my consciousness as a child.

And this black cat 🐈‍⬛ bookmark is from London. A treasure and one of the oldest things in this house right now. Belonged to uncle Dave's mother. I am also wearing a ring that once belonged to her.

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Life update:

I have a cat now

I hate posting too much words now (which I hate, i wish the words would flow from me again like feelings, and how natural)

I am married this year. So far, marriage life is the best!

I have a good and better relationship with my mom now

I am earning a decent amount of money to buy what I need and want. But no budget for travels.

I still have irritated skin and still undecided on what to do with my hair

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I wrote this when I boarded the bus again going back to my college dorm. It's my second year.

Here in the bus, trees are passing one by one on in my window. It's 61 days before Christmas. When I have the chance, I want to spend it with my family.

When I jumped right into the bus earlier, I left my mom without hugging or kissing her. I hurried so much that time, she too.

I will miss her but I don't want to. That would be awful. I should be strong to stand alone. I should surpass days and nights without her guidance. Just like I did before. One day I will be back home.

I should be calm, worry not. I saw them, at least for a while, I can assure that they are pretty okay even though there's some shortcomings. Stable in a semi-good condition. They should also be strong. I am very thankful to God.

How can I bring back this old me that can still find something to be grateful about.

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A day to remember, fine afternoon walk with one of my favorite person - my sister.

Open letter to her:

I hope she listens to my advices.

I hope she don't learn the hard way.

I hope she looks to me as an example where she can relate and follow and learn from, not a competition to beat and be jealous of.

I hope everything works out for her and her dreams to come true.

I hope she still takes care of her physical and mental being.

I hope she's having fun in life.

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Napanood nyo ba yung "Under Pressure" episode ng Modern Family?

I cried so hard sa part na nag compute si Claire ng study hours required for Alex and her classmates. And she realize na there's a lot of pressure for students like Alex. Tapos they hugged each other after Alex's therapy sesh. Ang cute non. I hope all can understand the reason behind why people are having meltdowns.

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Ang ganda talaga dito. Mamimiss ko ng sobra to kapag lumipat nanaman ako ng next place. To be continued...

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Today, nag grocery kami ni Mama.

Pinag grocery ko sya. I also added her to my Netflix, HBO, Apple Family. Hahaha

Don't get me wrong. I provide shelter and her internet, paying all her bills like water and electricity for almost 5 years now. (Together with the help from my brother) so don't get me wrong. I just don't love her the way I did before.

But now, we have plans to go to the dentist together. I will keep you posted. I'm happy na this tumblr account is a witness for all my life experiences. For now I can say na I am slowly forviging myself and my mother for the things that was behind us.

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Naiiyak ako tonight kasi nagegets ko na lahat.

Remember when ayaw naten ng lutong bahay kasi gusto naten ng chickenjoy? ice cream? cake? And our lolas or mamas would prefer real food?

Nagegets ko na and naiiyak ako 😭

Iniisip ko yung kapatid kong bunso sa new apartment nila and how she's doing in this adulting journey and I remember myself in those times. Karinderya, de lata, fast food. Ang unang naiisip kong iregalo sa kanya pag visit ko doon is a homemade cooked meal 😢

I'm worried kasi I've been there. I know the struggles. Grabe noh? Nakayanan ko before pero iba pala kapag sa loved ones mo na nangyayari. Nakakaiyak kasi bumabalik ulit yung pain from those memories and to know na ganun din nararanasan nya.

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GOOSEBUMPS. BOOK TITLE: I'm glad my Mom died. Don't get me wrong, I wrote the second image when I was mad at her pero we are okay now. It's just that, this book is so open and relatable. In my country kasi we always tolerate out mothers like they are so perfect and hating them is a crime.

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Huhu

I am the kind of person na don't feel sorry for my actions and life choices. I can justify them all. Lalo na kapag it produces good results. If it's bad then I can remember why and how and I can blame other circumstances. What kind of attitude is this? I like it.

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I had a video call with mama today. We updated each other. We said "I love you" bothways like we always do when I was young. And it felt good. I forgot what I was angry for.

Turns out love really doesn't keep record of wrongs. As the bible said.

And I can say now, that it's okay. You hate your mother? Hate the people and hate that way? Yes, It's really valid that time. Kasi galit ka talaga eh. It's just that you don't give up on people you love. Pray for them. Pray that your hate will fade away. We had a break from each other. We let time heal everything.

But we established new rules because that's part of growth for both of us. So now we have healthy boundaries set up.

And since this is it. I learned one of the tricks in life, I can go on now. Lightly. Kasi the biggest burden sa chest ko is gone. So wait nyo ko, isa isa lang.

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I can't sleep. I'm observing sunrise