mahonrye

[mahonrye]

I think I’m done, I think I’m gonna delete tumblr today instead of waiting. I think I’m over it. I still think of you often but I haven’t felt the urge to check up on you in a couple days now. It’s weird how fast such vibrant feelings can fade. I will always care for you and be wishing you the utmost success, but we are clearly two very different people who do not work together anymore. People change, feelings change, that is just the sad reality of life. It’s been hard, trying to let go of our past and all the memories and such but ultimately I think it’s for the best, which I guess you already know. you helped me in a lot of ways and I like to think I helped you at least a little, but we also were hurting eachother and holding eachother back from doing what we wanted to be doing and we’re too young for that bullshit. You gave me so much joy and love and I’ll always appreciate and cherish our time together. I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you, both in our relationship and after. Thank you for having been in my life and I wish you and bia the best. I will never forget you or our time together. Take care

#Angel

[mahonrye]

Got a call back from that job a little while ago and I got it! So that’s cool, nothing crazy though just some part time cleaning position. $14/hr, 20 hours per week. Not a lot of money, but not a lot is better than none lol. Hopefully this will be the push I need to get over my job based anxieties. I just wanna have money and something to be proud of. I try not to let myself get into that capitalistic mentality that you have to be producing to have value, but it’s hard. I wanna be creative, I wanna make things, not for any company or job but just for me, and I can’t even do that. I have so much anxiety about any kind of judgement from my peers. And I don’t know why. Just another thing to work on I suppose. I hope you’re doing well

[mahonrye]

Just went to my job interview, think it went pretty well. Also just drove myself home, that was tight. Lot easier than I remember and a whole lot less anxiety inducing. Hopefully I can get more practice soon and just straight up get my license

[mahonrye]

Got out of the shower to find all these kitty babies in my bedroom

[mahonrye]

Also finally saw chopper for the first time in one piece, very briefly and he hasn’t spoken yet but I saw him and boy am I excited for him to join the crew

[mahonrye]

Played Minecraft for like 11 hours yesterday. I don’t really know what to do with myself. Kinda just hoping I get this job and can start soon so I at least have something productive to do with my time

[mahonrye]

Didn’t end up posting last night, I ended up just playing Minecraft for mad long with some friends. Just working on a new world together. I miss you. I think about you daily and I hope you’re doing well. You deserve to be. I feel like you’re going so dark and giving up on recovery or healing because you somehow feel at fault for or like you deserve this pain. Which couldn’t be farther from the truth. Then again, maybe I’m being out of pocket and this is who you truly are and you just never let me see. But I really hope you at some point ask for and receive the help you deserve, and feel the love and the healing you are owed. I will always love you and even if that doesn’t count for much, I hope it counts for something. Because you are so good and you deserve to feel good about yourself. I really hope we can be friends at some point, I miss talking to you.

[mahonrye]

Got an interview on Monday for one of the jobs I applied to. It’s in my hometown so it’s close to where I live so that’s nice. It’s part time which kinda sucks but some money’s better than no money. I just really hope I get the job

[mahonrye]

Applied to more jobs, did a little driving today. Then just kinda played Minecraft and did nothing. Just kinda playing the waiting game until someone finally gets back to me about a job

[mahonrye]

Been hanging with my little brother today, finally got some weed as well which is tight. Haven’t really done much with my day but we still got time, we’ll see how it goes.

[mahonrye]

Finally getting ready for bed now. Didn’t really do much today, applied to be an aide at my old middleschool which I guess might be cool. Mostly did it because I need a job and it’s mad close. Played some Minecraft and watched some one piece with my little brother. Just been tryna stay busy lately because being out of weed knocks me all out of whack, and I don’t wanna ask anyone for help rn. So just tryna find a job immediately. Hope you sleep well.

[mahonrye]

Just got up, didn’t expect to sleep this late but I guess I needed it. Went to go take a shower and the mole people downstairs have used all the towels so I now must do laundry before I can shower. But it is what it is. Not really sure what I’m gonna do today. Probably same as the last couple days, look for jobs and watch one piece. I just want money. I’m running out of food and I’ve been out of weed a couple days now. But I just don’t really feel comfortable asking anyone for assistance. I don’t really feel like I deserve it. Hopefully I find one soon.

[mahonrye]

So end of the day report, I did just end up watching one piece most of the day, because I am a grimey troll man who does nothing with my life. I cleaned up the house a bit but that’s all I did today. Gonna try and go to bed soon but we shall see how that actually goes. Also today I’ve been thinking and I’m gonna try and stop posting on here slowly. I wanna hold on so badly, but you’ve already moved on. I told you I would wait for you forever or until you told me not to. And I want to. But it hurts so much. Everyday I come on here to basically just speak to you, in hopes that one day you read this shit and see at least that I am sorry. But I’m deluding myself and using this as a crutch. You don’t want to speak to me and I can’t force the issue, otherwise I’ll just make it worse. So I’m gonna try posting only twice a day for the next 5 days, and then 1 post the following 5 days. And then I think I’ll delete tumblr on my way to great escape. That whole days gonna be rough for me, but I know I’m already gonna be reminded of you literally everywhere I look at the park. Im scared to go tbh. I thought about asking to cancel the trip, but the tickets were already bought. Just doesn’t feel right going without you. I don’t want to say goodbye to you, I want you in my life for the rest of my being. But I fucked our relationship up and then proceeded to drive you further away, destroying any chances of us being friends. And I need to stop tricking myself and holding onto something that isn’t there anymore. I need to let you go.

#sweet lambieboy #I fumbled the bag

[mahonrye]

Finally did some cleaning for the first time this week, just did not have the energy up until today. But I took out all the trash and recycle from the whole house, swept and vacuumed, did the laundry, unloaded and loaded the dishwasher and changed the litter boxes. Now I’m gonna try and do some painting later, but I keep saying that everyday and I just don’t have much motivation, but I am still gonna try. Might end up just watching one piece all day again. I’m on episode 54 now, I definitely see the appeal and it’s fair to say I’m in for the long haul now lol. That or I might read some manga, specifically saint young men. It’s a slice of life about jesus and bhudda sharing an apartment in modern day tokyo as they take a vacation from being gods. It’s super good but I’ve barely read any and I have the first two volumes, I gotta get to that eventually

[mahonrye]

Man, If I wake up soaked in sweat one more fucking time. Gotta do laundry now, fuck being sick.

Throat doesn’t hurt like at all today though which is a plus, and my nose doesn’t feel as stuffed. I’ve had mf 5 bloody noses in the past 2 days because of how raw my nose has been. The first one definitely being the craziest, straight up bled for like an hour

#tw blood

[mahonrye]

if you ever do end up reading any of this, I just want to be clear I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to guilt you back to me or whatever. I still love and miss you very much and those feelings will take a while to go away. But I’m working on it, So I guess I sort of talk to you here in the meantime. Just kind of an emotional outlet I guess. And I can’t say honestly that I don’t want to be back together, but after all this stuff kinda finally coming to the surface, I don’t think we should. At least not for a long time, if not forever. And that’s if you even want anything to do with me ever again, which I can’t say i’d blame you. Definitely sucks a lot, right person wrong time kind of situation I suppose. But that’s life isn’t it? You were the perfect partner for me and helped me grow and loved and supported me in every way imaginable. You were my bestfriend and the love of my life all in one and I loved every second I was with you. But I clearly wasn’t in the right place in my life to truly cherish and protect what we had. Or you. And I’m sorry for that because you deserved so much better. I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy, makes you feel loved and safe. You deserve all of that. You deserve all the kindness in the universe. I truly hope you guys have a happy, healthy relationship, where you can focus on healing. You are so strong. I know life can feel really hard and pointless at times, we talked about this a lot. But you have to persevere, as annoying and strenuous as it is. Because all these struggles and misfortunes are temporary and life will get better for you. You are such a positive energy in the world and that kind of force attracts good things. I know you’re gonna do so well for yourself and I’m excited to see it. You are creative and brave, you have such a knack for business it’s insane and once you really start putting your work out there, i know it’s gonna take off. I’m happy I got to spend these past few years with you. I’m truly so thankful you chose me to spend that time with, even though you might regret it now. I said a lot of dumb shit I didn’t mean out of spite and anger, but the thing I think I hate that I said the most is that I want to forget you. I don’t. And I probably never will. Everytime I look at my stuffies, I think of you. Everytime I paint, I think of you. Everytime I eat, I think of you. I think of you constantly and I smile because I got know you and be loved by you. Im so thankful to have had you in my life. Whether we never speak again, or we do, I will always be a phone call away for literally anything you need. I will always be supporting you from the sidelines, cheering you on and sending you as much positive energy as I can muster. You will forever mean the world to me, I will always worry. But you deserved better angel and I’m sorry I was too selfish and oblivious to see that. I know I’ve finished a lot of these with this same sentence but I just get worried, so please please please, take care of yourself.

#trying to let go. #it’s really hard. #🐑

[mahonrye]

Laid down for a bit, guess I fell asleep. Woke up drenched in sweat but at least I’m finally sweating this shit out. I saw this tiktok and thought of you, I was just gonna save it for later but it wouldn’t let me, so i just copied the link. I just think, i dont know maybe it’ll make you feel less judged and unfairly treated and know that the medical system just sucks overall when it comes to autism testing and does everyone dirty.