mcrax

[mcrax]

tw sui

he makes me want to kill myself

#vent

[mcrax]

i miss 🎀's messages. i think i'll go back and read them.

[mcrax]

I know it may be useless, being here now. I just want to hold on to the hope that you’re alright.

-🎀

i don't know if you are still around to see, but i see all the words you have left me and i'll be looking over them, rereading them and processing them. your concern and care for me, a stranger, means more than i have the ability to express.

[mcrax]

so i am back.

[mcrax]

sui mention, not me though

if i have to go another day with this i'm going to explode... every single say something makes him want to kill himself and it's piling up on me. i'm. not. a therapist. i'm mentally unstable but of course i hide the fact i am because i have to be perfect for you.

[mcrax]

i feel like crying. of course i'm going to be the punching bag...

#i accept my fate at this point. #this blog was for coping. i dont like abuse.

[mcrax]

Morax, my dear, it’s been a while…

I truly hope you’re doing okay…

-🎀

it's hard, it truly is.

#🎀 #words cannot express how unwell i feel lately.

[mcrax]

ahah. i return for to this account because i have nowhere else to turn to... i hate being a lovesick fool, knowing that i am being abused and yet i cannot save myself. perhaps i deserve it, though. i'm losing emotional strength.

[mcrax]

been busy as usual, sorry about my usual disappearances.

[mcrax]

i'm happy overall, but what he did today really made me angry. i'm calmer now, but i don't think i'll forget it. vent under the cut.

i was upset and expressed it to him, i've been a bit depressed and struggling with my sense of self and i'm aware there isn't much he can do. things got a little messy, but it got to the point where he was saying bullshit. he turned the things he does to me onto me - antagonizing me. he claimed i need his attention 24/7 and i will breakdown if he's away - which isn't true? i spend several hours of the day without him without complaint. i got upset this once because i was trying to find comfort in him keeping me company and he went and started hanging out with other people and leaving me there to panic in fear of abandonment. however, if i get tired and need to head to bed... he starts breaking down and crying because i won't stay up until 5 am to be with him. i can forgive not being able to handle someone when they're breaking down - your own mental health can be affected by that - but straight up accusing me of things you do to make me look bad is just revolting. he always begs me to call him, always begs me to have sex with him, i have not once said no. i talk to him for hours on end because it is what he desires of me. i very rarely have a moment to myself these days, and if i do, it is when either of us is asleep. i do everything for him. i work hard for him and ask little to nothing in return, but when i snap for just a moment because i have my own feelings and issues, i am the bad person. i'm always the bad one who needs far too much. do you know how often i deal with his breakdowns? at least daily. most of the time the minimum is two breakdowns a day. and i am ALWAYS there for him. it is absolutely exhausting what i do for the sake of love. i deal with his suicidal thoughts at least twice a week. can i please be allowed to feel a single negative emotion, or can only he?

[mcrax]

Morax, congratulations on your engagement!

I wish for nothing but blessings of happiness and peace between you and your beloved!

-🎀

thank you so much! there's been rough moments, but overall i am very, very happy.

[mcrax]

i'm engaged now.

successfuly made it an entire day without anything going wrong. what a relief.

[mcrax]

successfuly made it an entire day without anything going wrong. what a relief.

[mcrax]

can there just be one day where things are okay. please.

[mcrax]

I once was in a situation like you are with 🌊, obviously not the very same situation but very similar. So, I understand at least the partial struggle and you are not alone.

-🔥

i'm relieved to know that i am not alone in this, though it's unfortunate you've experienced similar. i do hope you are alright now, 🔥.

[mcrax]

i love 🌊, i do, but his constant breakdowns are very hard for me to keep up with every night. if i say anything wrong, i will hurt him. if i say nothing, i will hurt him. what a struggle this is.

[mcrax]

Hello, dear Morax.

I hope you getting enough rest and caring for yourself properly.

My beloved… is with another but I’ve done my best to be supportive. I still care for them, but, I won’t lie, my subconscious has been tormenting me about it.

Fortunately, I’m doing my best to focus on other things. But I wonder… other than my troubles, are you interested in learning more about me? As I’ve stated before, I’m all for learning more about you.

-🎀

i am trying all i can to take care of myself. it's getting increasingly difficult to do so, but i still do what i can to get through the day.

it's hard to see your beloved with another, but i am proud that despite your subconscious not taking it all well that you are still trying to show your support. i'm sure you're doing really well, 🎀.

i do not have any questions and i usually learn things just by seeing where interactions go, but if you ever have things to share i am more than willing to listen. i enjoy speaking to people and hearing from you brings me joy.