Những ngày vừa rồi em đã nghĩ về anh, rất nhiều. Hẳn là nhiều hơn tất cả những lần em đã nghĩ về anh trong suốt hơn 1 năm qua cộng lại.
Bất ngờ là em không tức giận. Cũng không mấy đau buồn. Em cứ nghĩ về anh như nghĩ về một vết thương đã lên da non. Rất rõ ràng, rằng ở đó có một vết thương, nhưng không còn đau nữa.
Gần như mọi lần đi ngang những chiếc quán nhìn hay ho, em đều nghĩ một ngày nào đó em sẽ bắt anh dành cho em từ sáng đến tối khuya, cùng anh sống một cuộc đời chung.
Em nhận ra mình đã mong ngóng anh thật nhiều, đến mức cùng lúc quên đi anh.
Sướt mướt và đau đáu như mấy bộ phim Hongkong - tôi nghĩ vậy, dù tôi trước giờ chỉ mới xem Chungking Express, “sướt mướt” làm tôi liên tưởng ngay đến phim Hongkong mà không phải Hàn Quốc, HQ thì phải lãng mạn cơ, consumer perception là một thứ kì ngộ nhỉ - chúng tôi nói thương nhau thay cho lời từ biệt.
Tôi chẳng muốn tự vấn mình những ngày sau nên sẽ chẳng nói rằng ai đúng ai sai, nếu không có ai đúng thì hẳn không có người sai. Chỉ là đến một lúc con chim báo bão phải quay về sau khi hoàn thành chuyến đi nhiệm vụ của nó, đúng không?
* Why? What did you want to see? Did you not see it during all that time?
* I saw it today. But you weren’t ready for this meeting before.
* I still don’t think I am ready yet.
* Why would you say that?
* Because I got used to being alone. To go to bed alone, to wake up alone, to eat alone, to travel alone. To look after myself. Me, not anyone else. To enjoy the sunrise and the sunset in my own company. To appreciate each and every moment. To depend on my solitude and find happiness in it. Don’t you think you are late? Don’t you think that after being there and watching me for all that time, you could have found a better moment when I have needed you more?
* No. If I had come then, you wouldn’t have been able to fight the difficulties yourself, it would have been with my help. And you insist that you are what you are thanks to you and only you, don’t you?
* Yes, I do. But that makes me think I don’t need you. Yes, I know I can handle anything. I’m sorry, but you are late. Come on, admit it.
* I can’t admit something that’s not true. Yeah, perhaps you don’t want me, but you’ll discover that you need me. After a while solitude becomes unbearable. You have your place to go back to at the end of the day, but nobody is waiting there. You have a house, but not a home. You have a mind, a brilliant mind, but of what use is it if it cannot communicate with your heart? Isn’t communication nice, doesn’t it help one grow?
* I have grown through the pain, through the books, through travelling. I am very able to communicate with myself.
* Ah, ever so stubborn. Do you know how to recognise a soul mate?
* Please, do share. You seem to know a lot.
* Leave the irony out of it!
* Go on then, I am listening.
* Your soul mate is always there. They might not always be next to you, but they exist. They’re always there, waiting for the right moment to come along. When they sense you are ready for them, even if you deny it in front of yourself, they will come and wait at your doorstep. For as long as they have to. Nothing can stop them, even a stubborn girl like you.
* So what are you saying? That you are my soul mate and you will just stand there?
* That’s not what I am saying. You will tell me if I am your soulmate when you open your heart and stop running. I can see you have been burnt before, but you can take more, clearly it hasn’t been enough.
* Is that a threat?
* A warning. You’ve had moments when you have been so frightened of the pain, so when happiness comes along now, you are unable to recognise it and you fear it. You run and run, but running from it hurts more. It hurts more when you know you have caused your own pain and not someone else. If it were caused by another person, they will eventually go away, the memory will fade. Feelings go away. But, if you cause yourself pain because you cannot accept what is in front of you, you will carry the pain with yourself for a long time after that.
* Ok. You are convincing. I cannot say I truly believe you, but you sound confident in your words.
* How about we make a deal?
* A deal? What deal?
* I will stay here. I will not interfere. You will not notice my presence.
* Fine, but what are you going to do in the freezing cold?
* I will wait. There was nothing but cold for 891 years…
* … What if I don’t change my mind?
* Then it means I have been wrong and we will meet in another lifetime.
* Let’s do it.
And he stayed. It appears this was the right lifetime.