mikeekwento

[mikeekwento]

I refuse to believe that it was the same year Diana died when my parents went on a Eurotrip. 1997, I would have been 4 years old. But I remember parts of it vividly, how so? That was the year mama said so.

I remember receiving that call, and repeatedly hearing room instead of Rome, when papa was telling me where they were.

I would ask the maid to play birthday videos recorded on VHS. I remember wanting to jump into the TV. Wanting to be with papa.

I find myself doing the same thing, with videos on my phone. Recognizing that I can’t just jump into the phone screen. But just watching and remembering.

[mikeekwento]

I lost 2 of my starting 5 in less than a year. And I used to be terrified of folding my MC socks.

[mikeekwento]

Before the known vneck or roundneck shirts, papa had a different uniform. He used to wear collared shirts w boat shoes all the time. I don’t really remember when he started being more bagets, but yes eventually he did decide to wear cotton shirts 24/7. A trait that was apparent: he chose to wear the same thing every single day.

I’d say I don’t really have a fashion sense, just choosing to wear whatever I feel fit. I remember a friend saying “ikaw lang kilala kong may kaya mag suot ng ganiyan,” — “pero bagay naman,” to comfort me after blatantly expressing shock over what I chose to wore. Not that it was over top, but probably something unusual. As days pass I realize that I’ve come to embody certain papa-traits that live on in me. One being wearing the same thing over and over, every single day. Outside of shocking-outlandish fits, I usually find myself comfortable wearing a daster, a bimpo, and my crocs (now progressed to adidas sandals that I’ve found to be more comfy) — regardless of where I am or who I’m with. Sila bahala mag adjust.

[mikeekwento]

Andy had been bugging me to dive with her just to try something new. I just finished my open water course today, a delay that took over a month because of the rain.

Cesca decided to try it out as well kaya nagka chance ako magka free dives instead of just finishing my last two dives on my own. My only goal was to see a turtle, and jokingly in my head I said if I saw one I’d take it as a sign that papa was with me. Immediately I shrugged the idea off kasi lahat nalang inaasa ko sa presence ni papa. But we saw one today. Chamba!

[mikeekwento]

I had a dream within a dream last night.

I was eating Jollibee with papa and then I woke up, proceeding to ask him for advise about Chingching. He would then answer me using some sort of knob that turned like a stove switch housing yes and no.

Speaking to kuya Carlo, “I SWEAR kuya mamatay man ako. Mamatay man si mama. Gumalaw talaga!!!”

[mikeekwento]

Chronicles ng Namatayan: I’ve come to realize na usually, the O. K. Days are just days when I forget that papa’s dead. Lol.

Naghanap ako ng gagawin so I checked the movies, and most cinemas now are showing John Wick Chapter 4.

[mikeekwento]

Attended Lance and Alec’s and Marts and Ianee’s weddings this weekend. Equally fun and sentimental welcoming new chapters in all our lives.

Marts and Ianee’s would have been the first wedding with the whole family complete. The couple had asked mama and papa to be their godparents just one day before papa passed. “Ikaw nalang magpunta,” papa told mama, “wala nang 80 years old na nagnininong pa sa kasal.”

During the wedding Ianee told all the guests that they picked couples that they grew up with as godparents and I think that was really special.

It’s a Sunday today. We had lunch along Arnaiz because tito Boy wanted to treat us for lunch. We had Peking duck and steamed fish, both being papa’s favorite. I took a nap when we got home as the tiredness from both weddings creeped in. I dreamt of papa again. This time it wasn’t a lucid dream, my mind played along like how it would in any other normal dream: he was alive and healthy, asking me where we wanted to eat. He was driving and I was at the passenger’s seat. I woke up and got water downstairs as the telephone rang - it was kuya Seve asking what else I wanted because he had just ordered from Country Side. A restaurant papa, kuya, and I would frequent when we were all left in the house tapos walang ulam.

Funny how life continues to unfold.

[mikeekwento]

I dreamt of papa last night! I don’t remember most of it but I know it was a lengthy dream: apparently if he could find his reflection on a surface apart from mirrors, his body could take form on earth again. In my dream it was a puddle of water on a white wall. I hugged him, told him I missed him and that I loved him, and again asked “eh papa kung dream lang ‘to, gawa gawa lang ba talaga ‘to ng utak ko?” with his nose crunched forming his “ano ba ‘to ang kulit” face he said sometimes he could jump into my thoughts while I’m sleeping.

Now awake from that dream I know na gawa gawa lang naman talaga ng utak ko lahat. Pero like a child I’ll hold on and believe in the magic enveloped in his words.

[mikeekwento]

Last year all the maids in La Union tested positive for COVID so mama and I decided to stay there instead of going back to Manila. Mama did not want papa to be exposed to us as PUIs.

Papa claimed that he had had COVID already, perhaps because of having trouble breathing. They didn’t test themselves to confirm though, he just liked diagnosing himself, always saying “mas kilala ko sarili ko,” never wanting to have himself checked kasi “raraketin ka lang ng mga doctor pag nagpa check up ka”. “Syempre pag ganito ka na katanda magloloko na talaga spare parts mo, panigurado may makikita sila,” he would say. His Jan 3-6 Omicron scare might have been an early sign of his heart failure manifesting.

I didn’t feel like celebrating that year, solely because of the fact that I wasn’t going to be able to spend it with the whole family.

Mama still wanted me to feel festive and had this cake made. Yo said the design made it parang pang debut. I don’t remember much from my 29th birthday. Photos remind me that I spent it with Franco, Yo, Tom, Shane, Audrey, Migs, and Chloe.

Audrey busted her lip that night from doing the worm dance.

I don’t know how I’m celebrating my birthday this year. I just know I won’t be celebrating it with the whole family again now that papa’s gone. I wish to dream about him.

There’s pressure that comes with turning 30. Just a force that tells me I should do something to commemorate the big 3-0. But I don’t feel like listening.

#SoundCloud

[mikeekwento]

On an intercity train from Amsterdam to Cologne right now. 5 days before Christmas. I’m not really sure how the holidays will be now that papa’s gone, but I’m thankful to be spending this year’s in company of two of my closest friends.

We visited the Van Gogh museum yesterday. I was literally so stimulated just by looking at all of the paintings, because of the technique used and the fact that they were made 200 years ago. I don’t know why I get starstruck with old things, be it art, buildings, or even trees. I always think about what they’ve seen, how things were back then, and everything they must have gone through.

Blue droplets from a wet paintbrush

A self portrait with a felt hat

[mikeekwento]

I took this photo in a tube from the last trip I had with Papa, a timely and sweet escape at that time just right before the pandemic. My tito and some cousins planned a trip to Japan and we were saling kitkit. A few learnings were: 1) when the group orders a spread, be content with what’s on the table and find something you like. Don’t order something extra just for yourself. (AKA: controllin ang pagkababoy minsan ok lang na di busog 100%), 2) if you invite the group to a restaurant of your choice you should be the one to pay, finally, lihis sa food ethics - as in this photo, 3) learn how to be patient and present even when you feel like the situation doesn’t call for it. Magic is everywhere.

_

Papa didn’t have social media and was quite particular with what he consumed online: Percy Lapid vlogs, Dave Chappelle shows, Jack Jones concerts, all of different nature but each equally entertaining.

“Ano bang paki mo sa love love ng matabang yan?” He said once when he caught me watching Rob and Chyna’s argument on KUWTK. Ano nga naman ba kasing paki ko nga.

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Now I realize that maybe the reason why he never took life so seriously was because he had already gone through so much - losing his parents, a partner, a sibling, a handful of friends. That kind of pain makes you feel invincible, (as how Nads explained it to me, na para bang kaya mo na pagdaanan kahit ano kasi na endure mo na yung pinakamasakit na pwedeng mangyari sa buhay mo) and kung lulungkot lungkot ka lang with all the many little things, saan ka nalang pupulutin?

Written at 9:45AM at a cafe in Paris: first stop after getting off the airport, waiting for Gabi’s exam to finish.

Temp was -2. It was snowing.

[mikeekwento]

By default my profile is the first one you land on when you open Netflix on my parents’ TV. This made papa just mindlessly click on Mikee and use my profile to watch his movies. In an attempt to keep my algorithm, I would make papa use his own as often as I could, never bluntly telling him to just switch to his own profile - “Yung suggested movies po dyan depende sa account, based po sa mga pinanood niyo na dati” had over a hundred other versions.

It never worked and it didn’t really seem to matter.

Eventually I just started using his. Problem solved!

[mikeekwento]

I had another lucid dream again last night (I’m learning that’s what it’s called, being aware of dreaming). It wasn’t much, but I was just bear-hugging papa in his pink shirt, I couldn’t even see his face because of how tight the hug was, and that was it. Just of me trying to hug him tighter and longer, not letting go.

[mikeekwento]

I dreamt of having a conversation with papa last night. I knew he was dead and I was aware it was a dream. Nica told me if that happens, I can speak with him.

I remember asking “kung nagkikita kita ba talaga lahat” when we pass away, he had his nose crunched and eyebrows meeting each other as if to say “ano ba to ang kulit,” and just nodded.

Mama was in closed/rounded/heeled mules and finding it hard to walk down a sloped ramp which in my dream was part of the house, “pwede mo parenovate yan, gawin mong hagdan para hindi ka mahirapan,” papa said. And as we were walking down he started going a different direction. “Oh, san ka po pupunta?” “Hindi, uuwi nako,” he answered hurriedly just pointing to a different direction. I looked up and through a towering structure, giving off light like how a pocket courtyard would. “Parehas pa rin po ba buhay dyan Pa, pero syempre just transcending kung ano yung meron dito?” I asked. I vaguely remember what had happened next and what he said, but I remember the message being affirmative, comically relayed through a girl whose hand was locked in another person’s arm just passing by.

[mikeekwento]

Madalas hinahanap ko yung lungkot, feeling ko kasi ang dami ko pang kailangan ilabas. Na baka sa pag-iyak dahan dahan din akong dumating sa pagtanggap. Sa pag-ungkat ng sakit kasi nabubuhay din lahat ng alaala. Tapos mapapatigil at mapapaisip ako, hindi naman ata mauubos to.

[mikeekwento]

No one tells you about being in limbo - the part where you’re hopeful but yearning for something from the past: a happy thought, a fond memory, a time when everything was fine.

I equip myself with strength for the sadness that may come even though it’s only beginning to put one foot inside the door. And part of me chooses to fight back just wanting to slam the door shut: this sadness will not come, you need to have faith that you won’t meet him. Focus, appreciate, and breathe in the NOW.

[mikeekwento]

Today we had a chance to give thanks for papa’s continued healing.