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millennihilism · 17 days

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I kept getting distracted by someone talking to me while typing that last night that I completely forgot to address others involved in pushing this relationship like I had meant to or at least not discouraging it.

For that part, I kind of just resigned it to them knowing this miserable, lonely bastard (some, like McGonagall, since he was quite young) and probably seeing how they interacted with each other and that he seemed to light back up as a person. I’m pretty sure it’s mentioned at least twice in DH that he looked noticeably younger and healthier after he stopped trying to run away from Tonks. Especially when he tells everyone at Shell Cottage that Teddy was born and Harry thinks that that’s the youngest he’s ever seen Remus look just because he was happy. The Pottermore entry also says his feelings towards her started as just amusement, so it can be extrapolated that she probably made him laugh a lot more, which would have been a stark contrast to the Remus everyone was used to.

I do completely understand where you’re at with it though. I’ve absolutely sat and thought about people I personally know that are those ages and how I’d feel about them together and had mixed feelings; some would be totally fine and others would definitely vibe off uncomfortable vibes. This particular relationship I have just put more thought into because of my own personality lmao. My outward appearance to others physically (clothing, decorating, being clumsy to the point of being a running joke) and social mask when needing to be anything above neutral to people is very Tonks but my actual personality in terms of behaviors, especially problematic ones, and general mental illnesses behind them and when I don’t have to put up a social mask have always been close to Remus Lupin. I had that revelation as a damn teenager when I reread the series after DH came out and was like ..oh. I also just posted about having read some metas and not appreciating having been called out like that. So while I have always seen a lot of “this relationship doesn’t make sense??” responses since HBP was published, I clung to it a little hard simply because I am a disaster of a person 🤪

I should add, though, that part of me is still always like “yo fuck that guy. She should just leave his ass. What a dick” and being livid for Tonks but at the same time can justify most of his bullshit behavior with how he treated her with almost no effort. (As a character at least. If a friend was being treated the way Tonks was, I’d be pissed)

I've been thinking about how much I adore Tonks and Remus' dynamic but physically cannot ship them because my brain is being weird about their fucking age gap. this is so frustrating. they would have been so lovely for me if Tonks was like at least 27 in 5th book. Ronks (yeah I'm not calling it Remadora, Tonks hates her birth name ffs) would have been my ride-or-die alongside Jily and Wolfstar for sure.

because literally nothing else that Ronks antis consider deal breakers for them matters to me - not the fumbled way they get together in canon, not them getting married so quickly, not Tonks getting pregnant, not the assumed queer-coding of both characters (which I personally see, don't get me wrong. but it's assumed and who the fuck says they can't be queer4queer anyway?). sure, the nuclear family narrative being pushed so quickly and thoroughly onto them is peculiar but who says they didn't want to make the most of their time during a war? I love wartime drama and they would have been my shit if it weren't for... well. Tonks being 22 and Remus 35 when they meet.

I just can't ship big age gaps unless the youngest character is closer to 30 than 20. which is infuriating, because Ronks is objectively more fascinating because of their gap. my fucking loss, don't you think?

anyway, after thinking of ways I can make Tonks older without hurting the story, I began wondering whether her age is narratively important, and yes, turns out it very much is - for Harry.

Tonks being 22 in order of phoenix makes her the closest of Order members to Harry's age (Weasley twins don't count because they're Ron's brothers first, order members second for Harry) and the one Order member Harry can relate to the most in his youth and desire to fight. She almost perfectly parallels marauders and Lily in first war and represents the fun of the fight, the fire of youth, the confidence of a new recruit, the safety of relatability for Harry. She's one of the biggest inspirations for his newfound dream of becoming an auror. Harry needs Tonks among those older, battle-worn, cautious, secretive adults who don't take him seriously and never look him in the eye, because he wants to be what she is even before realising it and only reflects on it after spending time with her.

all in all, Tonks being 22 matters quite a lot for Harry's story.

now, we have no way of knowing whether Joanne came up with Ronks storyline prior to Tonks' introduction, but it shouldn't matter for their relationship, not in Joanne's opinion - Tonks' youth already fulfilled its narrative role in order of phoenix and stopped being an important asset of her character in half-blood prince.

oh, but unfortunately it still matters in the grand scheme of things, Joanne. you don't just introduce a young adult character (I'm 21 myself and gods, 22/23 is barely more mature), chuck their established age out the window and pair them up with a character in their mid-to-late thirties. and of fucking course it makes sense for a 23 year old to be down bad for some scruffy 36 year old man, it's incredibly realistic! this 36 year old man acting upon such crush is a little questionable, but still realistic (and we know Remus is very flawed, so I'm not surprised). but you know what isn't realistic at all?

Molly - a 46 year old woman, married to her high school sweetheart, mother to 7 children, 3 of which are close to Tonks' age - being extremely supportive of actually engaging in that sort of relationship, going as far as reprimanding Remus for not committing to it. I'm sorry, what? Molly might have some flaws as a mother, but she is nothing if not protective of her kids and those in their age range. She genuinely becomes somewhat of a mother figure for Tonks during their time in the Order, and I just cannot for the life of me understand how Molly could encourage her to pursue Remus and vice-versa, instead of consoling Tonks in her tragic crush and making sure Remus doesn't even look at her like that.

Minerva - an even older woman who taught both Remus and Tonks at Hogwarts, witnessed Remus becoming an adult from his graduation in 1978 up until 1981, then saw an 11 year old Tonks start Hogwarts 3 years later in 1984 - chiding Remus for not being "brave" enough to commit to such relationship. first of all, why the fuck is she involved in that narrative at all? it's none of her business??? she's not in any pseudo parenting role for either of them, unlike Molly, so I never understood why she even has a place to voice her opinion about their romance. second of all, even if it was her business, Minerva - a professor who witnessed both Remus and Tonks grow up so many years apart - would realistically feel pretty weird about such relationship.

those aren't problems with the ship itself, but rather the way Joanne implemented their romance in the story. I think it would be more realistic if Ronks was some kind of fucked up forbidden romance from other characters' perspectives. the way everybody is so instantly supportive of them is quite jarring to me.

interestingly, when I read hp for the first time at 11 I was quite adamant in my belief that Tonks was in love with Molly up until that scene in half-blood prince. a very weird belief for a kid, I know. I just only liked girls at the time and was relating to Tonks quite a bit since her introduction, so I guess I unconsciously decided she was a lesbian even without knowing that term yet. I also had a crush on my teacher in 4th grade and she was quite similar to Molly... yeah, this girl was projecting too much. I didn't pick up on Remus' queer-coding until I fell down the rabbit hole of lgbt discourse at 14, but was pretty shocked to read about Tonks falling for a man at 11. she was so like me until she wasn't :) it's pretty funny to think about now.

in conclusion, I'm hella jealous of those of you who don't have weird brains and can enjoy Ronks to their fullest potential. their canon writing has its issues but they're more interesting for it, truly. I'll stay in my no fun corner, headcanoning them as lavender married, queer-platonic, bisexual besties co-parenting Teddy Alastor Tonks.

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millennihilism · 18 days

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This ended up longer than I expected so bear with me, but I have a soft rebuttal

tl;dr - remember that this is not a more standard relationship between a 23yo woman and a 35yo man. Remus is a whole ass hot mess who needs so much therapy and Tonks got into her dream job’s career track (and one that requires a great deal of maturity) directly out of high school.

Ok I can absolutely get where you’re coming from and you lay out your case well, but if I may provide some perspective from someone with 10 years on you: Is Remus physically 35 when they meet? Yes. Does he appear that he’s a well-enough-adjusted Actual Adult™️ to the kids? Generally, yes, but they only see him in situations where he would need to appear as a mature, experienced professor-type resource to them.

However

There is no way that guy is remotely at an emotional maturity of your average 35yo man (granted, gonna be honest, that bar is not really the highest in my own experience). That dude had his entire world come crashing down in one event and then likely just coasted to get by and continue living for the next 12 years. We know he never found relationships or human connection the way he had with his school friends. He didn’t mature into actual adulthood alongside his close peers (careers, families, etc) because he simply didn’t have any and didn’t have much for actual career prospects versus bouncing from whatever employment he could obtain because of prejudice against werewolves.

There’s also a solid post from not long ago about someone refuting the power dynamic that typically exists to some degree in a relationship with a young woman and significantly older man by pointing out that the person with notably more power in between those two is Tonks. She’s a confident individual with family and friends, has not experienced the same kind(s) of trauma Remus has (and also probably received some sort of support for any she may have, unlike Remus), has a promising and very well-respected career. Remus has nothing.

Again, as someone who is coming up on 32 and also happens to have a personality fairly similar to our guy Remus Lupin — I’ve had a decent amount of experience in a position of authority but also appearing to be the mature “actual adult” to teenagers I was the immediate supervisor of, but also very friendly with them. But lmaooo how badly so much of it was “do as I say, not as I do”

Also, I had a number of things change suddenly and significantly in my life in like 2015-16 (and not remotely traumatizing as having all of my friends die one night and then being a pariah for over a decade) that never really got the closure I’d prefer and haven’t gotten around to bringing myself to address it head-on, process, and allow all of that baggage to move along. I have told many people for years that I am emotionally stuck in that period of time and really have not changed that much as a person at all in that time. However, I had friends and family and a committed romantic relationship that entire time and people to lean on if I desperately needed it.

That was long-winded but my point is that I can very sympathize with, and self reporting here, being stunted like that and my things are relatively mundane to even my peers, so lightyears more vapid than Remus’s life. (I am just a sensitive flower about existing)

Anyway, all of that digression to say: from personal experience between my physical age and how I feel/act, their physical/biological age may be 13 years, but they are definitely closer if we measured in maturity in emotion and actions/behaviors. and, also based on my own experiences with old friends, I suspect that when Remus and Sirius spent time together (in light, jovial moods at least), they probably reverted pretty hard back to being in their early 20s and that makes it a lot easier to visualize Tonks spending time with just the 2 of them and it not feeling that odd between all of them.

anyway, after thinking of ways I can make Tonks older without hurting the story, I began wondering whether her age is narratively important, and yes, turns out it very much is - for Harry.

all in all, Tonks being 22 matters quite a lot for Harry's story.

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millennihilism · 20 days

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Canon Remus is kind (or at least tries to be)

- He was visibly conflicted and uncomfortable when Sirius and James went after Snape in Snape's Worst Memory.

- Sirius even acknowledges that Remus is kind when he says that they [the marauders] were all idiots in school and then adds, "Well, not Moony so much." He says that Remus was "the good boy" and that he made them feel ashamed of their crueler antics sometimes, and Sirius seemed to appreciate this at least in retrospect. (I feel the need to note that when Sirius said that they were "idiots" he did NOT mean stupid. He was agreeing with Harry that their actions were not always harmless fun and that he is not proud of being a bully in his youth, so don't use this as "canon proof" that Sirius and James were brainless dumbasses)

- He went out of his way to encourage Neville and was everyone's favorite DADA professor

- His smile/expression is described as "understanding" at least a few times throughout the series.

- Molly sobbed in his arms after she had the encounter with the Boggart. He comforted her (somewhat awkwardly) and gave her a handkerchief: “Molly, it was just a boggart,” he said soothingly, patting her on the head. “Just a stupid boggart . . .”

- In OoTP, Remus speaks with a lonely werewolf at St. Mungo's while visiting Arthur: "Lupin strolled away from the bed and over to the werewolf, who had no visitors and was looking rather wistfully at the crowd around Mr. Weasley... (it was to escape an uncomfortable family situation, but still, it was kind of him to recognize that the man was feeling lonely on Christmas and might like some company)

- He reassured both McGonagall and Hermione when they tried to blame themselves for Dumbledore's death.

- Before he learned the identity of the werewolf who infected him, he felt pity for them because he understood how terrible it felt to lose himself to the transformation, and he believed for a long while that this was the case for the werewolf that bit him. He held no resentment towards them until he discovered that he had been purposely infected by Fenrir Greyback. (And even after learning the truth, he never expresses outward resentment or a desire for vengeance)

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