mirrorballwhoistrying

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Dark Blue February (08.03.2024)

Hold up! I kinda forget what happened in February. The reason was I reset my phone. What I remember was that I started booking accommodation for the Singapore trip and it was also Lunar New Year.

I was restarting posting on my Facebook page but it was also a depressing period. I dedicated so much time to it but it doesn't seem to generate the results that I wanted.

I went on a date with a Filipino guy. He was okay but reminded me too much of my ex. The Lunar New Year was less and less festive than usual. I got scratched on my hand by the dog at my cousin's house and was scared for my dear life.

On the day of the Lunar New Year, I went to the reception invited by the US Ambassador welcoming the Scholars. I felt great this time because I socialized more and more. Although I knew I wouldn't meet them again. The lucky thing was I met someone from UConn! She introduced me and we connected on social media. I felt lowkey a celebrity because the juniors from AYC were asking for my advice! My 7 attempts at the program were also the talking point! Is this what I worked hard for?

There was nothing much going on in February. I just remember I spent so much time editing videos, shooting videos and none got the engagement I hoped for. What did I do wrong? Even Tik Tok the platform I was always more comfortable with, got a really low engagement. What did I do all this for?

The love language video also didn't perform well. I felt so helpless. Why the more I put effort into it, the less result I got?

I did apply for the creator program and tried to get a booth at the NRD2024. I was so sad I couldn't get one at first for the NRD2024 but things worked out and we did get one! I also got into the creator program! Those were the two good things out of this month I guess?

I met b KL and b KT again and they had a small fallout. I tried to reconcile them but lowkey I knew there was a crack. I was going to come out to them but did not instead.

The week leading up to the SG trip was crazy because there were so many things to finish before the trip. The trip was the story for another day.

I hate how much every time I'm back from the trip, my energy is all gone & I can't do anything properly with insane emotional instability.

Now I have to look up to the day I go to the US. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I'd be unemployed when I'm back. I need to focus on AAS, US, and Creator Corner before I go to the US which is like 1 more month! omg!!! help me!!!!!!

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Sky Blue January (02.02.2024)

Hey, it's me again! I can't believe a month of 2024 is gone already. Who said January was moving slowly didn't make sense. I never feel like time ever moves slowly. It moves a little a time then all at once. Oop! Just like growing up!

I had a countdown party at my cousin's house on New Year's Eve. It was fun until the topic of marriage was constantly brought up. I wasn't even surprised. My brother was the main target. He left early and never came back. Good for him as I would do the same.

I woke up to New Year late as I should. I had a haircut. That's already the norm, right?

The next day, January 2nd I went to Chef Nak's house with BKT and BSR for photoshooting. The main purpose was not only for the photo shoot but also to talk about the unfinished work. Things were going okay until discussing with BSR. What I could hear from him was that my work is not worthy for him to pay a lot. A side of me wanted to prove him wrong and tried to do my best, but then on the way home, I became mad and decided that if people not going to see value in my work, then I was not wasting time trying to prove them. Did I do the right thing? Is this a sign of my lack of communication skill and collaboration skills? Is this what's costing me all the good opportunities?

On the first weekend, I went on a trip with BKT and BKL. This is definitely another occasion that sent me into another existential crisis. They lived in a very different world from my usual circle and that's somehow all my friend groups are. They are rich and talk about businesses and having fun. Money isn't their concern, but it's about love and friendship. I had fun of course but a different kind of fun, but a good thing is I know they are people I can count on, right?

I also started posting content back on social media. In a way, I feel so lost in direction. Am I doing the right thing? Do people even care what I'm saying? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I trying hard in the right direction? What does it all lead up to? Why do I have to question so much instead of putting effort into making it good and happen?

I finally announced my resignation to my teammates. They were so sad and really wanted me to stay. I feel so lucky to have them for real.

I have to address the elephant in the room. I was selected for YSEALI AFP! Damn! My 5 years of effort finally paid off! I was so happy, but I also hated another part of me that immediately started asking "What's next?" Why can't I live in the moment instead of always constantly looking for what's next? I really need to enjoy the moment and appreciate my efforts. I know for sure that I'm the oldest in my cohort but I don't care as long as I'm going to the US!

I went to G sauna and on a date. It was nice and I'm glad and I put myself out there again. Workwise, it's also really hectic at the workplace as it's still the peak season. I sent a message to VT to separate PPUB but she hasn't responded yet. I made up my mind and she's not going to change that.

I'm 25 this year. I feel such an existential crisis. Most of my peers are either in their family era or cooperate era because they finished their academic era already. I feel like I'm still starting. This is a hard thing I have to constantly tell myself to stop living my life based on society's pressure, and limited belief... I can travel around, enjoy the view, and arrive at the destination. I should enjoy the journey instead of rushing to finish the race. It was always about the journey.

I feel so old when there are these young upcoming youths lately. Maybe that's what I shouldn't worry about. It's not about competition. It's about helping one another win.

I feel lost, to be honest on what I should focus on now. Should I focus on switching my career? Should I focus on building my project? Should I focus on academic things?

Or maybe I shouldn't be stressed out too much. I learned from Taylor that I can switch from one era to another era any time. I really just have to focus on choosing one thing in front of me and focus on it and make it the best I can. It's easier said than done, but I'd do the best I can for 2024 because I'm in my 1989 era!

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Back to December (24.12.2023)

Prolly, this is my last reflection this year as I will proceed to reflect on the year as a whole.

December started after the Water Festival. I was still so tired from the 4AM flight. I was deciding whether to go to SR for a marathon or not and ended up not going because I was preparing for EMMIE.

On the 2nd day of the month, I went cycling with Prosob team. I had so much anxiety and was so hesitant. I hate myself for going to something while being so half-assed. Why can't I go for something and give it all? The experience was nice but I just wish I was more active and energetic.

There was not much the next week as I was preparing for the EMMIE application, but there were 2 guys who called me up for a hookup. That first guy, I didn't expect much but it turned out to be so wholesome. We cuddled and talked about life and music. The next day, the 2nd guy hit me. He was the one that hit me up a couple months earlier but it wasn't a success. He's Chinese-Cambodian. It was an okay experience. I need to learn to ask to be pleasured without feeling guilty about it.

I submitted the EMMIE application. I half-assed again as I felt like I wasn't doing my best at all. Why am I always like this?

There came the Book Fair. The same thing, as usual, I prepared everything for A to Z. The income wasn't that much, but I talked a lot with BKT. On the last night of the event, I made a decision to separate PPUB from VT. I don't care whether it won't make much income. I would rather start from scratch. I'm willing to bet on my future more than my past. Even if I have to start from scratch.

That's it. There's not much going on. See you on a big picture of 2023 reflection soon!

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

I recall November holding my breath (23/12/2023)

I'm so late, late to the November reflection and it's almost 2024. It's so good to finally able to sit and look back on what I've done instead of rushing to finish one thing to another, which is basically what happened to me in November.

I feel like I've lived so many lives this November (am I saying this to every month?). Why am I still living for this thrill?

At the start of November, I was finishing my Chevening application. Then I got an email that I got shortlisted for the interview again for AFP on the 13th. That time, I lowkey knew I was giving up on Chevening (why do I always give up on things when it's almost the end? What kind of sabotaging behavior is this?) When the interview email came, I had to readjust my whole plan. I mean it was at least better than the interview falling during the time I was in Jakarta for real. I planned to visit HCM during the 2nd week to watch the Eras Tour. I readjusted immediately just so I had the 2nd week for interview preparation.

It was expensive traveling solo for real. For the I could save some 30% if I have companions. I was panicking about finding the Eras Tour ticket because I couldn't access the website in Cambodia. It ended okay. I wish my theatre was more lively though.

Then the usual thing was I went to G sauna. This sauna is not as good as the previous two. I'd make sure to go to the other 2 next time. Then I went to the G Club. I don't know where my confidence came from, I started talking to several people, making some Singaporean friends and got one Columbian & Filipino to connect to my IG and kept messaging me, ended up kissing the VN guy that caught my eye and the whole night. Damn! I felt very bejewed!

Then I have to come back to reality. Preparation for the interview, it was so emotionally torturous. It was likely reliving all the trauma and my fear of failure and rejection all over. I'm glad I asked P & K for help. I even did a coaching session about it and cried my heart out.

The topic I raised was about the confidence to live the life that I want to. She asked me whether I have a reason why I always use “I guess” or “maybe” in everything I say.

It clicked with me on how often I use downgrader words in my everyday sentence. In a way, it opens the door for further disagreement from others and means that I’m not absolute with my answers, but the thing is it also makes everything I say sound not confident, and somehow it also makes me feel not confident unconsciously as well.

She also asked me about the interview this time and how the progress I’ve made so far from last time. That’s when I reflect on how isolated those journeys I did before as well. I prepared on my own, scared to ask for help and to be judged. This time, I dared to reach out to my friends for feedback for improvement and did the mock interview. It gave me so much assurance that I’ve improved a lot. I got the courage to be seen and to receive feedback for improvement. Looking back I guess a lot of it was in my head. Maybe it was all perception in my head all along. Nobody is perfect and no one expects me to be. I’ve tried so hard to look confident and appear flawless, but at the same time, I locked myself out of any opportunity I had to improve myself or connect with people. Real confidence is the courage to be vulnerable and ask for help, to be seen. It gave me control, power, and comfort I know that I had it all along. 

Looking back to the program I applied for YSEALI AFP, and also other programs I applied for, or interactions with people that I have, I always look for what they are looking for and mold myself to fit their needs and narrative, but have I ever asked myself what exactly do I look for? Who I am? I might get selected or be liked initially, but in the long run, it’s just so, so exhausting. 

Still, after the session, I can’t control 100% how I’m going to be selected for the program or not, but that’s not important. I’m going to show up as my authentic self and if they don’t select me, it doesn’t determine my self-worth, or maybe it’s not what they are looking for and the program doesn’t fit me and that’s okay.

Energy attracts like energy. This is what my couch told me, and it’s just so powerful. I have to exude the energy that I want or like so that people with similar energy can join in. I can’t pretend to be something else and expect to find like-minded people. 

I did the interview and it was okay. nothing good, nothing exceptional. I tried my best and that's what matters.

Now I had a few days left before going to Jakarta. The few days, I spent on revising applications with my mates to apply for a grant. I really didn't rest at all. The application was done but it wasn't perfect.

Then the in-person forum in Jakarta. I needed a whole blog to write about that experience. What I can say is how different it felt with these people. They gave me so much comfort and safe space and assurance that we provide to one another. I love how it just doesn't end once the program ends. We still keep in touch.

Coming back from the in-person forum, I was so exhausted. The 4AM flight back home really messed up mentally. I rejected going to the SR marathon because I was so exhausted and had to prepare for the ERASMUS+ application. hmmm, all the hectic schedule of mine was really made by me!

After the in-person forum, I just spent the Water Festival trying to complete the Erasmus+ essays. That's it. That's how my November went!

I feel so fulfilled for this month. One thing I want to keep from these months is the perspectives I gained and something I want to carry into 2024 as well!

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

I wake up and it's October (28.10.2023)

I just feel a bit keyboard moody today I guess. Like October isn't over yet but I guess I should reflect on it before it flashes before my eyes and it's 2024 already.

October is also mental health awareness month, but I haven't caught up on my TikTok content for a while. Partly because I was occupied with finishing the AFP application and m4i program I guess. Another reason is I don't if I should carry on the way I created content on TikTok like before. It felt like hit or miss most of the time and I want to focus more on FB content.

A good thing was, that I finally informed my manager about my resignation! I'm a really indecisive person but once I made a certain decision, I would be really stubborn with it. This time I felt like it was really time. I told BKT about it and some close friends as well. I didn't know what to do after that, but I knew I had to make this decision instead of keep thinking about what-ifs.

We did a shooting again for Pchum Ben for KPComms. It felt redundant since I did it last year already, but it was fun still. I'm just glad that last year H asked me to do the shooting and opened up an opportunity for me to do something I never thought I could.

I also met V, V, and BKT for dinner. It felt good to reconnect with them once in a while. They represent a world that's familiar but also different from where I currently am.

Wow, I wrote all these and they all happened in the first 3 days. I think I spent the first week trying to finish the guidebook for SEA Fokus as well. The experience was traumatizing as well to have a manipulator in the team that used the project solely for individual purposes. It was tiring but at least I was happy to put all my efforts into something for once since the project started.

The exhibition day was not bad. I got to meet and connect with many people, but there was always this underlying feeling that I was not doing and socializing enough.

The next day I literally had to go to the pagoda with my relatives. Damn, there's a lot going on in October for real. My uncle still asked offensive jokes. Should I respond back in a rude way next time? I can't believe that this time I feel like I did well. I think my brother was more under pressure about the topic of marriage.

Just a day before Mental Health Awareness Day, I finally finished editing a video. That's the gift for the day. I'm just so happy that despite my insistent schedule of posting, people still care enough about my new video. but well, it's still no excuse to keep doing this.

On the 10th, I attended the opening orientation for the Chevening boot camp. I really am involved in everything and everywhere. I literally sat next to Chermeng and also met Piton. I can't believe it and they were also really friendly at the same time! They were really caring. I'm so glad to make new friends! I can't believe that Piton said he had watched my videos on TikTok. I'm so glad to make friends outside my usual circle!

I finally did the 3rd coaching session. I guess I made it so broad that I couldn't achieve what I set out to do in the beginning. There are only 3 sessions left. I also met March over the weekend and got to connect with him about his master's program goal. I feel like people really start to see, admire, and want to connect with you and vice versa when we do something that we truly care about.

Nothing super significant happened in the second half of the month to be honest. Mostly, it was all about preparing for the Chevening app. I attended the 2nd and 3rd sessions and I felt so inspired! I got connected with some people outside my circle too including a chief editor at Fresh News, and an employee at UNICEF. Wow! But what will I make out of this connection though? Let's see.

Piton also offered to review my essays too! Huhu, what did I do to deserve this! I also met b Ratha to ask for his pieces of advice about AAS. He provided some really interesting insights and ideas as well! I'm so grateful.

There came this week. I missed out the 4th session because I didn't finish my essays yet. I must say during the applications, I also feel like I discovered bits and pieces of myself as well. I really have deep respect for b Nara for organizing all this.

We also did a Halloween shooting this year. It felt underwhelming but whatever. I also finally organized Social Hour 2 with my team. It was really chaotic for me to organize the Zoom but I'm glad it was my first time to do it!

This month, it felt like the month of connections really. I got to connect with some people and deepen the connection as well like 7-8 people. I also did an interview yesterday with B Samang. I got to meet several people. I'm so grateful.

There was this one problematic guy but I should never let him determine my whole experience!

I had this one question at the start of the month about the negative feeling I had about networking. Why do we end up seeing people just for pure value and our own benefit? I think I got an answer. Networking is about building, taking, giving & maintaining. That one guy that ruined my perspective was he was lacking in giving. His whole networking experience was to see how he can take advantage of people which is really problematic. During the Chevening sessions, I discovered how networking could lead to such meaningful movement or collaboration. I should carry on this mindset.

I asked a speaker during a session about setting unrealistic goals. He said it wasn't wrong though because even if we can't achieve it, we would end up further than we could ever thought.

There was this underlying feeling about me being a jack of all trades. I kind of had to accept that I'm a multifaceted person with several passions. It's like we're going to watch the sunset. It's not wrong to stop at certain points to enjoy different views or take some turns. Life isn't about the destination, it's about the journey as well.

I still struggle with one point though about conflict confrontation. Maybe I'll discover how to handle that better soon!

I should start thinking about my next plan soon as well. My content plan? Erasmus+? Eras tour? Taiwan trip? EU volunteer?

Overall, I feel kind of satisfied with this October experience really.

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

I Made It Out of September (01.10.23)

We're really in the end game now. Can't believe it's already the last quarter of 2023. I don't know where to start. I thought I could have a breakthrough every month but life isn't like that.

At the start of this month, I started posting about Studio Ghibli posts. I can't believe it took me this long. The engagement was okay but I'm not sure how followers feel seeing my posts are just so random.

I also attended the Berk Chet Exhibition and P delivered the news that he was selected for AAS. I mean hearing the efforts he put into making it happen, I guess he well deserves it, but for real every time I hear about people's achievements, there is always a tiny bit of me feeling like I'm not good enough. Why can't I recognize that we all have different timelines and paths to live?

The closing ceremony of the YSEALI SUMMIT 2022 small grant catalyst also happened. Nothing much was going on. I just made it through without making any remarks, unlike a certain senior.

I also attended the training camp writing for Erasmus+ and met B Sakal, Virak, Bank... Funny how my life is really a joke. 2 of the 3 courses I wanted to apply, to were out of funds this year.

YSEALI AFP and Chevening also opened their applications. It's like deja vu like last year. The funny thing I feel like it's the first time ever that I was not motivated to apply to AFP. Or maybe that's what I tried to tell myself? Until the result is out and I beat myself up again?

The 2nd half of September went astray. I helped b KL organize the workshop. It was so messy and was kind of expected, but what can I do? I wasn't available enough either. At least it was over. I also declined to go to Prosob fashion. I guess the Relief of Missing Out? I'm just not in the mood to stress about my clothes to go to a public event for 2 hours.

My plans for the videos on my page also went astray. I had to shift my focus to work on m4i work as we're on the final project. Having a freeriding, irresponsible teammate didn't help either. I was so frustrated. I broke the information to the team of m4i about the crack inside the team as well.

I finally decided to resign in the next 6 months. I'm going to break the news this week. The mental health fellowship was also going great. The public speaking I couldn't forget about it. I finally put my skills to use.

The last 2 weeks have been really hectic for real. I've been staying up past midnight for a couple days to finish the applications. Is it what I'm supposed to do forever?

The past 2 weeks, I've felt better physically as well. I cut down my sugar intake in my coffee and cut down my fatique. Did I really lose 5 Kg out of nowhere?

If there's one phrase I wanna carry on into this last quarter is, I'm not my feeling, I'm not my thought, I am my action.

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

A Transitional Period - August (09.09.23)

I started August quite okay I think. I reached 3K followers on TikTok. To be honest, this took such a long time than a normal content creator.

I also joined a briefing session with Cheata for the ERASMUS+ scholarship. The process sounds so complicated to me though, but at least I got to broaden my horizon on what I can apply.

Chevening is supposed to open this month though and they didn't. So strange. The good news is after feeling like shit I finally got an Eras tour ticket from resale!

The ticket is 300$ though but at least there are tickets available. I had nothing going on much to be honest as I was wholeheartedly just looking forward to the Thailand trip.

Depression and sadness really left my body when I entered the boarding gate. I need to write another blog for this but to be honest, there was nothing much special going on. It was already like a routine for me to be in Bangkok. It feels so familiar. I got to meet Kimsiang, Kem & Suchi again.

And then, sadness hit me again when I got back home. The good thing was my sessions of mental health fellowship started! It was going great and so cool to see like-minded people working on the same cause I care about. I'm going to Jakarta in November too!

I was also back to editing videos. I didn't know it really took all my energy to finish the video. It was long overdue, to be honest. It was a long-ass 9:30 video but I didn't care. turns out it also performed the best. I guess the push from Kakcent page helped. but the great thing was the video did provide value to people about financial literacy.

The follow-up contents didn't perform as well but I guess I'm still just exploring before sticking to something. I also managed to post my aunt's video & Studio Ghibli's content as well. It was long overdue.

August feels like the calm before the storm. Like the almost-there a n transition to the high season of the year. I can't believe I just started writing about August when I'm 9 days into September. Guess I'd end it here so I have something more to recap in the September post.

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

A Transitional Period - July (09.09.23)

Help! I can't believe I really had a whole ass month without a reflection? Well, looking back it makes sense since my life was really crumbling in July. I guess this is a reflection & recap of the past 2 months?

The start of July was crumbling for me for real. I just failed AAS without even advancing into the interview round. The application must suck really hard. In early July, Jinliang gang celebrated my birthday. I thought they would have forgotten me already but they didn't. Hato and Vathtey's gang also did. It was like the aftermath of my birthday was still going.

I was waiting for 4 results left including a concert ticket result. There came July 7th. I think I won't forget that day. It was the day that Speak Now TV was released but a lot of things were going on as well. In the morning I received an email that I failed YSEALI AFP again. That's cruel and then I also didn't pass the ASEAN entrepreneurship training. There it came the queuing for the concert ticket. I didn't get the code at all and I tried Klook. The queue was also really, really long. There it came that I succeeded in none of them.

I was really just listening to Speak Now TV with so much pain. I thought I would heal from dealing with failures. Turns out, it still crumbles me into pieces every time.

The 2nd week of July, I was dealing with failures in such an unhealthy way. I went out drinking with B KT & B KL until I almost passed out. It was also another interview for the mental health program. I was really self-sabotaging. One thing I was glad happened was I let the emotions out with my co-workers. I talked with them through and got some new insights. They were also really supportive of my journey and support on my interview.

I think I did just okay in the interview. It wasn't my best, but I was glad for the rehearsal the day prior. I was really letting my emotions flow and not afraid to be vulnerable, to admit my flaws, and to admit how I tried to overcome them despite all the hardship. It was a really fulfilling experience for the interview. It's like I was switching on something I almost forgot a long time ago about my values.

I went psycho as I was so sad that I didn't get the tickets for the ERAS tour I messaged my friend in Thailand, and she helped me to buy a ticket for the odds of love. I was really going to BKK in August!

I also got the info about receiving a certificate for the submission to the JCI film festival as well, too bad I didn't join the opening night because I was just so emotionally drained. By the end of the month, I also reached my goal to save 10K in my bank. Is this a little achievement?

The month ended with the Phsar Art at The Ground Market. I was really to make peace with BKT after neglecting my birthday. It was great though to meet new people including 2 new friends of Lyly. I also got to meet the artists that I'm friends with on Facebook as well.

I think of July really badly mainly because of the first part which really clouded my judgment. I feel like it shares a lot of similarities with January as there was nothing much going on, but there was at least something going on though, or was a setup to what happened the next month and like an epilogue to the first half of my 2023.

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Trying to Grow without Hating the Process (01.07.2023)

Damn! It’s the end of another month again! Like everything moved so fast. 1st half of 2023 is already gone. What have I been doing? Am I doing too little of what sparked the fire in me?

June started of so, so. This is when I’m going to receive 4 results what I applied for. First week of June wasn’t that great anyway. I was mentally at my lowest. I couldn’t get anything done. 

I think I spent most of time trying to get my visit to aunt video posted on Tik Tok, then my vlogs to Pursat & Vietnam and then my birthday vlog. I planned to release it once a week but things didn’t go as planned. 

I did manage to release the video on my Tik Tok. It received quite many views, but things seem to go downhill since. Like Tik Tok doesn’t celebrate diverse contents maybe? Like they won’t give me the engagement I normally did or the quality of my videos dropped? Or I have no consistency?

I did manage to release vlog to Pursat on June 13th. Exactly a week before my birthday. It received quite a reaction anyway. I think people wouldn’t expect me as an introverted person to make a video and talking like this. 

I released the 2nd video a day before my birthday. It did quite okay but worst than the first video. I think the audio quality was quite bad also. 

Then boom, it’s my birthday. It was what I was looking forward to the most. I might act like I don’t care but I really care! I miss when I would celebrate my birthday until the end of the month. Too bad, now I have less and less friends. Last year, I didn’t go to a surprise birthday that my friends planned. 

I had coffee and dinner with KY and DL. It was all I asked. I received a lot of wishes from them. I also received a lot of gifts the following day. That was the highlight of my birthday this year anyway like I got more gifts than cake. 

That was my happiest week in awhile. I still acted so salty though to BKT. like why he always came to me with problems and wouldn’t bother to wish me at all on my birthday? Make it make sense! 

I also went to my friend’s mom’s funeral. That was sad. Life is really short and anything could happen. A guy called me up and I had s on my birthday week. Damn! That was what I dreamt of actually. 

M4I also went well for awhile and I got to meet some really amazing speakers. I failed 2/4 of the results I was looking forward to. Damn! AAS. The guy who was no longer talking to me felt like a repeated scenario like I didn’t want him but I just want his validation. 

I have kept the work for CN on hold for awhile. it’s time to spice things up and get back to work! 

Maybe I’ve been inside my head for too long that I don’t care about people around me? That’s the consequences and punishment on me actually?

I hope I’d make the most of the 2nd half of 2023.

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

The month of Mental Health Awareness (08.06.2023)

May is the month of mental health awareness, funny how that was also the month that I was and still am mentally at my lowest. 

Coming back from Vietnam, life didn’t slow down that much. We were preparing to go to KS trip. I don’t know why I can’t behave normal at all around people I’m attracted to. Especially, when that person is not available. What the hell?

It was the trip with the company but V brought her bf. He’s the typical perfect good guy that takes care of everybody. Too bad, I lack the stupid skill to make friends with guys. I felt a sense of emptiness. What was I trying to do exactly? Cause a scene? Tried to make a show to get some attentions from available guys? What was I thinking? Was I trying to prove how good I am just so to “show” I’m a worthy person that got to know to? I don’t know, well the trip ended and I’d never see him again, and why did I make this whole company trip experience about him anyway? The trip was fun and I took some nice photos. Then boom, my mom asked me to go to VN for health check-up the very next week, while I also need to start the first session for M4I. Like Can I get a break? I agreed to go to VN with mom anw. and what the hell? I suddenly got an email about the AFP interview?! Make it make sense! I also had like only 2 days to prepare for the interview!

I drafted the answers. It took me quite awhile. I tried to reach out to alumni. Too bad the time was really short and I couldn’t get much done. The interview didn’t go as well as I expected. The judges looked bored. One of the judges made it clear that they don’t want the interview to be too scripted. Too bad I’m a robot and don’t have much personality. I said I don’t care about AFP anymore. but I still f-cking care! The whole interview kept replaying in my head for awhile!

I also bought a new pair of glasses. It didn’t look too good on me. Another episode of me making rush decision. 

I went to the first session of M4I. It was cool to meet all these amazing people. It’s something I’m going to look forward next few months. Except the crack between our team is showing. The thing is I got to meet and talk to b VV. I was truly inspired how chill he was and how he started his page! He did all his videos on CapCut!

I went to Vietnam without much expectation. I know my energy was really low. I wasn’t energetic at all. I planned to sneak out at night but I was too tired already. I don’t know. I feel like I’m 17 all over again around my relatives. 

The good part was talking to J K and got to hear her stories, struggles and encouragements. She’s the reason why my parents are less worried about my career although they don’t know much. It’s so emotional to hear her stories and struggles. I wish her all the best. 

The days after coming back from VN, my life didn’t get any much better. My mental health was at it’s lowest. I wanted to consult the therapy but it was too expensive.

I forgot to address the elephant in the room. CH stopped messaging me. I should have seen the sign after the first date. He became less and less responsive. Seems like I can’t keep anyone in my life. Why it affected my self-esteem so much? Was the problem about me? Or maybe I should focus on a good version of myself before expecting people to come and stay in my life? Or maybe I should take things less personal and think of more about compatibility. 

I also went to Pride Fest. It was okay. Funny how my senior saw me there and texted me online. Well, I can’t seem to keep any connection going. 

This month is my birthday month and it makes me depressing than ever. On a good side, one of my videos reached 100K views on Tik Tok and I posted my first vlog too. The worst part is my freelance work. I owe Chef N’s work for quite some time now. 

I also spent the first week of June, stressed myself out to complete 2 applications which I think I might not likely get selected at all. It really took a toll on me mentally. 

I feel like this month is like an epilogue. Wait last month I said it was an epilogue too! Well, I feel like it’s a transition phase. I plan to post videos on FB soon, while I haven’t edited the videos. 

Seem like a lot happened this month but doesn’t guarantee much good things. I feel so empty before my birthday. I’m a living death currently. I think I’m going to focus more on freelance work and my page more in the next couple months. 

I just want to be happy! 

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

The Epilogue of Q1 (10.05.23)

April started with a baggage. Help! I haven’t written this for so long that I don’t know where to begin. 

The entire first week of April is all about IELTS test. I was panicking. Suddenly, I was a teenager preparing for a test again. I feel like I was starting everything from scratch. I watched a lot of IELTS videos. I was taking mock tests and the result was that satisfying, I was childish to aim for 8.0 band score when I prepared for like less than 3 weeks. I did the same thing and expected a different result. 

The thing was, I also had to do a field visit to Pursat just 3 days before the test. It wasn’t ideal but there was no other suitable time. I also had to take 2 days leave. The field visit was okay. I got to meet farmers and stepped out of my comfort zone. 

I also started talking to a guy who was my online crush. He suddenly replied to my story when I was on training for CAST. it He came back from Australia for a training. The thing is, I never knew whether someone really likes me or just bored, but aren’t we all bored and alone and need company from others? Isn’t it the nature of humans? Why should I let it bother me this much? 

I kinda went on a date with him after the IELTS test. He was asking me to go to the gym with him for awhile. I didn’t expect that. That we ended up going to massage spa. The first time I met him, he really made us strip to our underwear on the first meet. Help! He has a good body I must say. We also had dinner. He promised me to take me to Tastemania seafood if I ever go to Malborne. Help! The result was out and I got 7.5 on IELTS! Well, I was pretty okay with the result. I mean that’s pretty good for a 3 weeks preparation. I also did apply for AFP again. I keep telling myself not to let it define my whole self-worth like every failure didn’t crumble me into pieces. It still drained me so much I must say. That was also the week of Khmer New Year! The third week of April was a little calm week before the storm again. I was preparing for AAS essays and also the training at Pursat & Vietnam. I must say there were a lot of things to prepare regardless how small the training was. 

I didn’t finish the AAS by the time I went to Pursat. I’m disappointed but not surprised with myself! The slides I did was okay. We went to Pursat and I must say it went better I expected. 

I did my training on the 2nd day morning and it was pretty good. It was about Telegram and messaging app. I was half asleep all the time because b P made me stay with him revising the slides until 1AM!  It was better than the training I did with CAST for real! I should celebrate myself for a small victory! 

We had like 2 days of Rest, before going to Vietnam for the “training”. well, for real I need 2 separate blogs for these 2 experiences. The experience was torturous for real, but after finishing AAS and Pursat training, I felt like it was the end of something already. The journey to Vietnam was whether a field visit or staycation.  And now, I’m back to reality again. The energy surge from the trip is still there a bit I guess that’s why I keep doing this or that.  The most significant event this month was able to meet and talk with 3 seniors I guess. It was b SSD, B PS, B PN... I got to hear their stories and perspectives. It was something I always lack when I was in university. It’s always good to go out there talk to people and see perspectives instead of being trapped in my own mind maze.  I think life keeps teaching me hard this month about the importance of communication and networking. It could really bring you places. I tried my best.  Throwback, I did quite significant things in this first 4 months. I re-started Tik Tok account and reached 1.3K followers. I did my first freelance work, I did NRD2023, I did the side projects like TEBBY merch, did my first external presentation twice, did the project with farmers... It was small and small steps still count, right? for the Q2, I just hope to continue all those and looking forward to other stuff.  That’s all I could think of but definitely there are stuff running in the background of my mind. 

My motto I tried to live is “Don’t be a fraction of who you could be”. 

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

The 2 Parts of March (01/04/23)

I thought I could come up here with something strong, bold, and a bang for March, but the reality is often disappointing. March used to be a really special month. I don’t why so many significant events in my life happened in March. January and February are like trial months, and the year officially kicks off in March. This year seems to be different. 

I’ve lived an interesting month in February already, so I don’t need the high in March. I guess we don’t need to wait until a specific time or month to live our lives to the fullest. I made the right decision to go all in February. 

At work, there was one piece of content for Women’s Day that went viral. This month started off with a rookie starter. I was so anxious preparing for the NRD2023. It’s been 3 years since the last one and 4 years since the 1st one. There were no books and V was busy with her own work. It began to throw me off so much. The process to find books wasn’t easy. We even considered going to Vietnam or Kampot to find the books. We found a local supplier. The price was okay but there were no exceptional books in the selection, but the time was near. 

I always planned this month to be when I would visit Thailand. Well, it was the week before NRD2023 but realistically, I couldn’t bring myself to go anywhere when I hadn’t prepared the books. Therefore, I stayed anyway, but something hit me to plan a trip to Vietnam. 

The NRD2023 was here and the first day I wasn’t there. There weren’t enough books to sell, and V was getting on everyone’s nerves. The 2nd and 3rd days were a bit better. I thought it would hit 1K sales but when I recount the money, it was like 20$ short. Well, it is what it is. The friendship stain was serious. Everyone on the team was mad at V. I just shut myself up during the dinner. Well, I didn’t know what to do with this business onwards. 

The following month, I really went to Vietnam. I’m really glad that I did because the following weekends were all occupied. It was an okay trip. I stayed around a busy area of Ho Chi Minh. I spent a lot as a solo traveler. I also went to G suana. it was an okay experience. There were many hot g and naked, but it was dark. 

Then I also went to G bars. The first night was stupid. I was so awkward and didn’t talk to anyone. I missed out on many cute guys. help!! The 2nd night got better. I talked to several people and even kept in touch, but the remarkable thing was I could visit my aunt’s memorial after 4 years on the 8th anniversary of her passing away. 

Now, coming back to reality. I had to prepare to post the bipolar disorder video. it’s been in the dungeon for 2 years. It’s about damn time. B SH refused to post on his platform. I respect his decision though because there are some violent parts that might not be suitable., but he helped me reach out to Untangle. A good senior as always! while I’m a disappointing junior. 

I created a new page and posted those materials. The poster garnered quite a lot of attention. It was pressure because I feel like the video couldn’t live up to it. It is what it is. The video was posted and was a total flop. 

The lesson I learned from this is to stop overthinking and over-expecting everything. Stop putting all my eggs into one basket. If I posted that video last year, I could have moved on to doing other stuff. it’s a valuable lesson like the one I’m trying to carry this year “Don’t polish the doorknobs so long you forgot to open the door” It is what it is. Let the world see and move on.

This is the lesson for this entire month too I think. I did what I’ve eager to do and receive the result. Nothing worst, nothing best. I also did other stuff too like registered for IELTS. I did not prepare for AAS at all! The AFP also opened! my schedule is ruined. I also need to do the work for a small grant catalyst. 

I forgot to update you that I got 3 videos with over 10K views on my Tik Tok too. small victory! The first consultant work I did is almost finished and I’d receive payment soon. Some progress is not noticeable but quite significant. I need to give myself flowers.  I also should learn not to place all my expectations on one thing while neglecting all other beautiful things that could happen unexpectedly.  April is looking to be fully occupied again. the IELTS, AFP application & AAS & small grant catalyst. huhu! Will all my hard work add up to anything or not? We’d see. 

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Slow Burn February (25/02/23)

It’s a really short month I think. In the beginning, I was so desperate to change my life for real. I didn’t start doing the applications to apply to universities for Chevening yet. It was a manic episode I think. 

At the beginning of the month, I registered and attended a sharing session by IDP at ACE TK. To be honest, that was really the start of a manic episode. I don’t where I got all the energy. I was so fearless and reckless. I met b Reasmey & b Mike and I got the courage to stand up and ask one question. I was so proud of myself that moment that I dragged myself out of my cave.

Then I started the motivation letters for the Chevening universities. It was never as easy as I thought. Each university has its portal. It’s like doing the Chevening application 3 times. By the time I got the courage to finish the draft & ask lecturers for Recommendation Letters, 3 days later I got rejected by the Chevening committee. What a joke! I was so glad that both lecturers responded back to me. Too bad I wasn’t so responsive and lecturer Dara didn’t respond further. It felt like unfinished business. It took me so long to decide whether I should push through to get the recommendation letter to apply next year or not. I hate how indecisive I am. I ended up asking lecturer Cheata and she finished it for me. I’m so grateful. 

I also met my DIY teammates back. We talked a lot and were so ready to apply to Australia Awards. I was 60-70% want to apply, but after hearing they would refund the IELTS test fee, damn! What a motivation for me to apply! I still end up not started it yet. 

I was also glad to do the Tebbyand with BKT. Although, it got annoying at times. He’s quite attentive to detail or just ចិបចុប​ very much. It’s a good thing and a bad thing at the time. I’m so glad to apply my skills, especially in pricing. There were so many obstacles, including with the suppliers and printing house. At least it happened,  something memorable this February. The collab content didn’t happen this month yet though. 

I also started the morning pages. I wrote 3 pages every day for the past 3 weeks or something now. I don’t get the breakthrough ideas or something. It just helps me with the clarity of thoughts and lowkey forced me to go do something I’m scared of so I could have something to write about lmaoo. I take a break today and assume this monthly reflection is the morning pages today. I don’t know how long could I sustain this habit. It gets hard to write something on some days. It was also a chance for me to read a chapter of a book each day. 

I also went through a period of bad luck? I got severe toothache and had it removed. it cost me like 50$. Damn! Life repeatedly teaches me that nothing is more valuable than health. 

I also did the vision board on a computer screen! It wasn’t perfect but it’s a start. 

At work, I was also part of the event of 2 SMEs for an NGO project! I mean it was a collective effort of course but I’m just still so glad to be part of it especially on overseeing content on the event materials and designs! 

I also had 2-3 meetups with long-lost friends! With high school classmates, elementary/secondary school classmates, and friends of friends.... it was interesting to see different people from different points of my life and see their progress and stuff. It’s better than spending time with the same circle of people all the time! 

I also lowkey started to accept 2 freelance consultant work?! I’m so proud of myself when I decided to call back to my older cousin and accepted the work she’s been asking from me for the past 1-2 years?! I haven’t started anything yet but I’m proud of myself to do it. Also another small design work from another friend!

Most of all, I’m proud of myself to start back the Tik Tok videos! There was a kid mocking me about my videos, but I stay unbothered. I have posted 11 videos so far. The followers count was a bit lower than I expected, but I’m just so proud to start doing it. It was a starting point! It wasn’t perfect and I don’t want to wait for perfection! 

YSEALI Small Grant competition, my team was also selected! I kind of see it coming already anyway. It was a matter of time! I really have the first quarter of 2023 fully occupied now. 

The next and urgent thing is to prepare for NRD. We haven’t found suppliers yet!!! Then I have to prepare for the IELTS test, and Australia Awards Scholarship & implement the small grant fund. 

Don’t know what to say about this month really! I really went through the highest high and the lowest low. It’s easy to just focus on the end goal and forget about the small progress. Turn back there were so many beautiful small steps taken. I just hope to keep, sustain and expand this energy throughout the year! Thank you, next! 

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Slow Start of a New Year (28/01/23)

Oh, how fast life is going when you think about it. It’s been a while since I’m on here writing. What can I say at the start of the new year? I spend the early of this month trying to adjust to the “normal” after the super intense month of December. To be honest, it was so difficult. Now that I have no urgent stuff to distract me, what am I going to do with my life? 

In the early month of this year, the thing was going okay with Ch for a while then he asked me to break up. I kinda saw it coming, it was just a matter of time. I was back to being a sad bitch. I was back on Tinder. Not so surprisingly. I was just distracting myself, to be honest, or to get some validation. 

Workwise, I’m working on the CAST project. It was like finally back to work. I knew how much work I missed at the end of last year. However, I’m still salty with the administrator who called out the meeting to reinforce the rules. I knew it was like 70-80% directed toward me. At the end of the day, he was just doing his work anyway. 

For education-wise, I’m also doing nothing about applying to Chevening. It’s like I’m half-ass my way again and acting like a victim when I fail while I’m the one who self-sabotages. How long can I get away from half-ass my way through life?

One month has gone by. I haven’t done anything to improve or go where I want to go. Why am I like this?

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Slow Dancing During Burning December (18/12/22)

It’s been exactly 4 weeks since I last wrote an article. It feels so good to finally just sit and have a me-time after what I’ve been doing the last 4 weeks. I have so much and I don’t know how can I put it into words well but I’d try. 

The last 4 weeks for real feel like the climax of my 2022. It’s like the seeds I’ve been planning throughout the year finally came through. 

After the Water Festival trip, there was so much to catch up on. First the Kita Sama project, I missed the 2 volunteer orientations, No choice, I was in Thailand. Coming back, Debby asked me to facilitate a session. The funny thing is I couldn’t understand Bahasa at all. Yeah, Debby assisted at the end. It was a nice experience to facilitate a cross-country orientation like this though. 

At the workplace, I felt like my motivation grew thinner and thinner day by day. I received news that one member resigned at the end of the year and an intern ended her internship. It is what it is. 

Preparing for the True Colors project is the most tiring part during the 2nd half of November. It’s a post-workshop project implemented by me and Cambodian participants. Yeah, it was nice, and I was finally able to put my skills to use again. But it was tiring regardless. I had to handle social media campaigns and I research, synthesize, boost, and designed... all by myself. There was a lot of preparation leading up to the workshop day though. I felt like a university student again. It’s not that big of a project though as I’ve handled many larger-scale projects at work, but it is definitely much more fulfilling doing what I like and having full control. 

Finally, there came the most intensive 9 days of my life this year from December 3rd-11th. Prior to that, the Chaktomuk Short Film festival happened. I don’t want to mention it again as it was a big nothing of an event. 

the December 3rd & 4th are True Colors workshop days. I mean no matter how small scale the project is, it was still tiring to me regardless. The scariest part was the number of participants. The day is near, and the confirmed participants are still below 20. I had no choice but to call them. Long story short, there were only 12 participants coming out of the 30 selected. I was also quite worried about the session as I was the one who invited 2 of the 4 speakers. Luckily, all went well. I got to witness how a workshop is organized. A small but new experience for me. There were some tensions between the participants at the beginning of the course but by the end of the workshop. There was like an invisible bond between them. They even hung out after that. It was a tiring but so fulfilling experience. 

I went to work for a day on December 5th before going to the workshop venue in the evening. I ditched a project at the workshop just for the summit. The Hyatt Regency was definitely fancy. My roommate is another Cambodian participant. 

it felt different from the regional workshop as it was my 2nd time for the YSEALI event. I went there full of anxiety. The welcome dinner was at the ballroom. Luckily, I sat there and there were other participants coming in. As we started talking, all those anxiety was slowly gone. Each and every story was so unique and inspiring. It reminded me of why I was there in the first place. 

The next few days were intense. It went in a blink of an eye. We went clubbing until 3AM on the 2nd night. Whatever, I felt like it wasn’t as tiring as it was during the regional workshop. Maybe because I was in my own city and it was my 2nd time around. 

At one point, I had to accept that I can’t talk to all 150 people. That’s the thing about big summits. We meet a lot, a lot of people, but how many people do we get to know deeper or keep in touch with? I didn’t do anything remarkable. I didn’t even network much. 

The crowd of people was definitely older though like in the late 20s or early 30s. Everyone was so professional and networking and I felt like a fraud or an imposter the whole time. 

The theme also wasn’t given much as it’s in the theme of Economic Empowerment. It was still nice regardless. I met someone and we have kept in touch until now. It was nice but a different experience from the regional workshop. 

I wish I could rest after the summit but nope. I had an hour of sleep before going back home to bring the books to set up the booth at the national book fair. The weekend at bookfair reminded me of how determined I was as a kid. The enthusiasm is kind of gone. There were fewer people than in 2019. We made a good fortune regardless. 

The tiring week is gone, but then I had to submit 2 reports for the 2 projects from the regional workshop. It was tiring but we did it. and now yesterday I went to a gathering in the morning, a movie date in the afternoon and a wedding reception at night. I used all my social battery I fear. Until this moment, I could finally have time to reflect back on what happened. 

I’m still processing though but I’m grateful for the things that happened. I guess this is the last article of this year. I’m glad it ended on a kind interesting note. My next article would be on my year-end reflection I think. Good byee

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

The Storm after the Rainbow (20.11.22)

Yeah, I re-read the last article I wrote and I was right. It was really the most hopeful one of all. I haven’t written one for so long now I don’t know where to start. 

There was nothing much going on for the second half of September. I started TebbyAnd with b Kon Toch. It was a nice start and I felt like I was doing something again. Then it was Pchum Ben. 

Then when October started, everything just went to hell. Surprise! The Short Film Camp I was so hopeful about, I failed miserably. I also failed another volunteer opportunity in Istanbul. It was a wake-up call and hit on my face to remind me that not everything is sunshine and roses. 

It didn’t help that I had to plan trips for my co-workers to BKK-PUKET. I had to buy plane tickets and I hate that anxiety so much. The discussion went on and on for days and it was so draining. I didn’t gain anything from it besides anxiety about being blamed if I made any mistake. 

Another thing was, the 2 post-projects I worked on with my YSEALI mates got approved. it was a suicide mission for me to implement 2 projects at the same time. It did go well though. 

The whole of October was hell for me. I literally had no social life. I spent every weekend trying to finish the YSEALI AFP application and the Chevening application. I was so confident with YSEALI and even 3 alumni also said they do not have many comments on my essays. Chevening Scholarship was so new to me though. I had to join session after session to understand it. It was like planting without knowing it’d ever turn into fruit. I think I didn’t do well with Chevening. 

The whole time before I went to Thailand in early November was hell for me. It was just anxiety creeping. Before the trip was a shooting project for web series for an insurance company. It was 2 whole days of anxiety creeping up and being blamed by the client. 

My Thailand trip was 9 days long and I planned it long before. I still didn’t fully enjoy it as I still had leftover work and didn’t get to finish it. I also had to leave the 2 YSEALI projects behind. 

I thought the escape could make me feel better, but it did not. I just lost interest in my work so much. It didn’t help that I was invited by the US Embassy to join a special event when I was in Thailand and I had to reject it. Then coming back, I actually failed my YSEALI AFP and didn’t get to the interview round. I feel so gaslighted. My entire self-worth crumbled. I really don’t know what to do next. 

I haven’t been doing mentally well since October. It’s like I’m not even allowed to be sad or they call me a loser. I had to pretend it doesn’t matter and move on although how much I care about anything. I don’t know how to keep up with the rest of this year. I’m so tired physically and mentally. I really need to book a therapy session. 

[mirrorballwhoistrying]

Sunshine & Roses (17.09.22)

It’s weird that I’m writing this in the middle of the month, but well, I didn’t write one at the end of August and I figured while I’m still in my fever-high phase, I should document how I feel.

August started out with a promotional single for my official album ahaha. I went to Siem Reap alone. It was a long overdue trip. It wasn’t a success since I barely socialize. I just got to visit a lot of cafes but I didn’t even manage to meet that one online friend. It was a warm-up for my flight to Malaysia in the middle of the month.

One week before I had my first flight in 2.5 years, I began coughing. It was crazy but I couldn’t escape it this time since it was from my parents. The worst case I could ever imagine happened 2 days before the flight. That’s how crazy how life is. I tested positive for COVID-19. It was a crazy period of time. I began taking COVID-19 pills too and tested positive the next day. 

I wasn’t fully recovered but was much better. I thought the workshop would be a normal experience since I have attended JENESYS 2018 before. It surprised me so much in a good way and ended up the highlight of this year. I’d never felt more alive. I’m so grateful for all the people I’ve met and the things I’ve experienced. It’s like I found a piece of myself back that’d been lost in the past 2 years. I stayed for 2 more days after the workshop and got to meet my jiejie Tian. It was awesome just to be abroad traveling again. 

I won’t detail since I’ve written 2 long articles on my blogs already haha. The next week, another crazy thing happened. My final project “The Two Parts of Me” was selected for showcase at Chaktomuk Short Film Festival! I could never dream of this! August was really crazy for real. It was really a winning phase! 

It might be a little thing for others, but it means a lot to me. My number one passion is film. Although I’m not pursuing a film career full-time, it remains an important part of me. My work being acknowledged means so much to me. It’s a small step in the right direction. 

From the end of August until now, I spent time working on 4 deadlines. I’ve worked on revising my docudrama. I feel so much more confident with it now. I also apply for a short film camp with my close friend. It feels amazing to write the script again. It’s just so good to keep the engine running. I’ve applied for 2 post-workshop grants with YSEALI teammates and Cambodian participants. All 4 deadlines were due this week. I don’t know. It was tiring and fulfilling at the same time. 

I don’t know what’s in store for the rest of the year, but I want to remain hopeful for it. I’m also preparing to apply for a Master’s degree too. I think this is the only article this year that I’m this hopeful haha.... I hope I keep this energy for the remaining of this year.