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Alfonso Albacete (Spanish, b. 1950), Trampa, 2009. Acrylic on canvas, 250 x 200 cm

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Hasui Kawase (川瀬巴水, 1883 – 1957)

「旅みやげ第二集　金沢下本多町」 Shimohonda-machi, Kanazawa, from the series Souvenirs of Travel II (Tabi miyage dai nishû)

1921

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Marie-Joseph Clavel - Sunset, Venice (1902)

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Landscape with Stars, Henri-Edmond Cross, ca. 1905–1908, Robert Lehman Collection

Robert Lehman Collection, 1975 Size: 9 5/8 x 12 5/8 in. (24.4 x 32.1cm) Medium: Watercolor on white wove paper

https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/459189

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lina gordievsky

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Vincent van Gogh Still Life with French Novels and Glass with a Rose 1887

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Untitled - Anders Kjær , 2023.

Norwegian , b. 1940 -

Lithography

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shannon elle - clouds

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Henri Martin (1860 – 1943)

Berger et ses trois muses

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lazy chilly summer day

1:15pm: prepare to leave for campus, probably will need to take the bus?

3:30pm: come back home

4:45pm: walk to train station

7:30pm: prepare to come home, take the next bus back

i was going to reorganize my spotify playlists which... let me try and see how that goes. update: it was very nice and relaxing.

i think i will take it easy today. i've been pretty productive the last few days so i realistically don't think i can get much done today. i still have friday to crank out some work, so that should be okay! summer has been a nice balance of finding moments of rest and also keeping myself occupied. i didn't sleep that much last night (well it was 7.5 hours which is less by my standards) because i was up journaling. i think i will journal some more.

but to summarize what i wrote about, it was all mixed up. it was about home and my dad and how i really enjoy being 23 years old.

lets see if i can come up with 23 reasons why i love being 23 (during the summer)

my brain has slowed down to care less about irrelevant people, irrelevant standards that shouldn't apply to me.

i'm still healthy and fit and able to walk long distances and function somewhat well when i'm hungry.

usually i'm just grocery shopping for one person, myself, and i can fit everything in a backpack.

when i make mistakes, they usually just impact me and myself. no collateral. i wanted to get a croissant after my morning yoga, and i went to TWO student-run coffee shops that were closed for summer break (obviously!!!)

i can eat unhealthy food and not feel too bad.

i have the independence of living how i want -- seeing people when i want, not seeing people when i don't want to.

i have the independence to sleep when i feel like it.

my "job" / employment is very low stakes.

my parents support me financially so i'm living even lower stakes.

i think dating/being in a relationship at age 23 is nice. i'm not stuck in the claustrophobia of going to the same school as my s/o. we have our separate lives. the weekend is just long enough and by wednesday or thursday i'm missing him. i feel independent in my relationship! the independence makes it feel more official.

gaining mental clarity. i can identify my differences with others, but that's neither a good nor bad thing. less judgement, less personalizing everything

developing my confidence -- this i've been working on in therapy. i was describing the way i feel about my creativity (music taste, fashion, how i arrange my spaces, jewelry making). and i was like yeah, i think it's pretty good, and some people really like it, but that doesn't really affect my own view of being a creative person. that's how i'm trying to approach other other things.

being able to eat what i want

getting to know myself better, learning what i like to do, how i like to spend my time

... and okay i'm out of reasons and am starting to get sleeeepy!

#journal

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Barbara Regina Dietzsch Orange Nasturtium, Rose Trémière (Hollyhock), 1760

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after therapy recap:

i'm kind of sleepy but basically i learned that i possess some ability to be confident. i feel confident in my creativity: what i told ao (therapist) is that i think i have pretty good taste in music and books and fashion, and i don't think it's the same as everyone else's, but i have distinct style that is pretty good and enjoyable at least to me. like i am personally interested in the things i like, and i find them enjoyable.

ao said that this type of attitude i can try to transfer to my academics, career things, and so on. i remember so many times when i was trying to make some jewelry and it just wasn't working out, and i was like, you know what that's okay :) i'm just not in the mood today and that's okay.

ao also told me that working is completely relative. there are people who are equally fulfilled and happy and confident who work 20 hours per week and also like 100 hours a week. so i just got to find what works for me and feel comfort in that.

#journal

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The lake path in June.

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Frank Wilbert Stokes, The Phantom Ship, Atlantic Ocean, 1903 

Oil on canvas, 14.6 x 22.0 cm

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flash floods

so i'm currently writing this from ny's computer and buttery keyboard. i was trying to log in to my tumblr but i had forgotten which email was associated to. so i tried a few and i ended up on an old account, reading my old private blog from high school that... it was just so strange to read. i was really unhappy in high school, holy moly. looking back on the posts are all the same, like feeling isolated, stressed from school, uncared for by my friends, critical of my friends, hating of myself, etc. it's so weird. so so so weird. i was very lost and blaming everyone including myself. that blog was a place to vent and i... i never imagined that i would be reading those entries from such a different mental space?

writing is interesting because it's simultaneously a release and a record. release because we can vent by writing things out, but then a record because, well, it's recorded. and something about a record feels like a keepsake which is the opposite of release.

usually i read about one book per year. last year, the books were sour heart by jenny zhang and 1984 by george orwell. this year, the one book has been never let me go by kazuo ishigurou. i might get bored of his style if i read more of his books, but wow am i love in with this book. such a beautiful book. that book covers so many topics relevant to modernity. kind of relates with the release/record duality but moreso in the... challenging fate vs. accepting fate duality.

last week i was pretty stifled in many ways. physically it was hot as hell and i had an AC but not a fan. and the rattling from the AC was truly unbearable. and the air quality was like 170+ from the wildfires and.. my stupid window slid open! so i was frustrated for many reasons, so much so that i actually went to the school gym to run. on a treadmill. i hate treadmills lol.

i was also stifled in terms of... being frustrated and mean to myself about all my work.

i couldn't figure out my bug in the pyro code and i kept on telling myself that everyone else could figure out the code but only i couldn't and i was behind. turns out everyone suffered some major bug.

i kept on putting off the data science project work and just guilt tripping myself about it?

stress about resume edits.

i'm balancing a bunch of stuff tbh. this summer is research, research group, data science project, internship application preparation... and i also gotta start studying for prelims! i'm trying to just rush this data science project because it might be the easiest thing to finish and put an end to stressing about.

one thing about living alone is that i get to have total say over everything i do. which means things like being excessively stingy when i don't need to be. so here i will try to challenge that and manifest: treating myself out weekly to meals; cooking nutritious and filling meals. i think i will try a week long yoga trial that comes with unlimited classes. and then i'll just go like every other day to make the most bang for my buck. i think doing an exercise subscription might be good. or like a planned weekly food truck lunch so i walk to campus. basically, i am learning that it is not entirely good for me to be alone by myself for most of the day.

i've been listening to music, improving my texting, doing yoga, ....

#journal

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by neilkryszak