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To do today

althought im using computer to look for jobs and organise and stuff - just trying to avoid internet "surfing'

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Journaling

Movember 2, 2021

Obviously it's been a while, but you know, better to say it than not.

anyway its said now.

on to the task in hand...

Best get into it.

so 3 things:

1. setting myself free from the constant search for instant short dopamine hits

2. Money - what can i do about it

3. what i learnt from the Coach about anger shouting and trying to control it

1. Set me free

ok i'll do this longer later.

feeling anxious basically about this!

point is i saw a video on youtube on the tv yesterday about how you can trick your brain into doing hard things

Now, of course ADHD clasically makes it hard for me to do anything thats not something i want to do and instead i just get stressed and procrastinate.

So the one thing this video advised was to take a dopamine detox.

Because the big problem with things like social media is that you are getting a surprise - the attraction is you dont know whats next so you keep going till you get the thing thats going to make you happy. but really nothing does. its the same with porn.

its actually just like spinning a fruit machine slot game.

"it's the hope that kills you".

each time you scroll facebook, instagram, youtube, netflix whtever you are bored but hoping to get what your looking for eventually. but its rarely ever enough. the same with junk food. the expectation that this thing will make you feel good is false. you'll just keep on going cos you think eventually youll find the thing that makes you feel good but in the end u feel bad cos youve wasted time and consumed loads of rubbish.

Then yesterday i thoguht about the old nokia phones and how i nearly bought one instead of an iphone back in 2017 when i got the iphone 7 i had. one of the main reasons i didnt buy it was cos i needed whatsapp; and also i thought i needed email and internet for work (blame AM for that!).

so i thought if only i could have a phone that doesnt have all the stuff i go on just to pass time by continuously looking for something interesting.

then i realised i can - just delete the apps that are wasting time. like my watch - it is basically just funcitonal. you cant go on the watch and scroll and spend time, it's just for using it to do things.

so i went and deleted facebook and insta and tiktok and all the news apps - basicallly anythign that isnt functional.

and im going to not watch tv unless there is a specific thing i want to watch and i will only watch that.

i thought what about reading. isnt that the same dopamine fix. but its about constant short fixes. reading is a specific individual thing you decide to do and i think the dopamine comes out slowly.

So let's see how it goes.

but at least im writing here.

One of the things the guy in the video recommends is journaling. he says its better to write it on paper but my writing is a mess and its easier for me to type, so thats why im back here!

2. Money. money.

How scared am i about money.

what its all about?

Ok really im gonna do this later!

but its about avoiding something that is intangible. you cant see it or touch it.

really theres 2 things

1. im scared of finding out the reality - the truth that ive been wasting my money or not spending what ive had which has made me have a worse life than i couldve had if id had been realistic

2. i know that/assume that i have enough so it kind of doesnt matter what i spend. so when i spend it doesnt feel like im spending money. there is no money.

so now its time to try and come to terms with it

because without organising money i wont feel relaxed.

so im going to try and make a list of expenses and incomings and guess them and then compare them to the file the wife made (obviously thats ridiculous cos the file exists so i can just lok at it, but after like 20 years of hardly looking at it i dont feel like i can just jump in at the deep end).

3. Shouting

last week me and coach discussed shouting for an hour and a bit which was wonderful.

i said id basically given up. id discussed it so many times and tried so hard but still hadnt controlled my anger.

he said 2 things.

1. Think about unmet expectations

2. Try to keep emotional gas tank refilled and be aware when its low and how it makes you less tolerant

Expect the unexpected

so the first thing is to realise the reason you are angry is cos you have expectations of how a situation is going to/"should" pan out so when it doesnt happen

you need to realise that things dont always happen how you want them to and try and think of the reaons that could happen.

it's like the old road sign thing.

you look at an israeli road sign and see the english as if thats the only real thing but israelis see the hebrew and arabs see the arabic.

they are all there, but you see what is obvious to you - even though other people see exactly the same thing/situation completely differently which can make that act differently. ok the acting differently doesnt work with the road sign analogy but u get what i mean.

Try and think about it from the other persons perspective.

they say dont ask "why" - but in this case its best to ask yourself why the other person did that or this situation panned out like it did.

then you can think about it from the otehr perspective. "why does the little one not do what shes told."

ahaaaaa

Emotional Petrol tank

It's basically "lemale et ha dli".

Everyone has an amount they can stand before they get annoyed. its just during the day you lose some so you need to be aware if you are low on emotional gas and then have a break or meditate or somrthing to fill it up.

Parzuf coes!!

laugh about it!

ok jobhunt? what else? check the list.

lets do our best today and go running if its not hot and if not walk in a forest.

#Youtube

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What is adhd

Is it simply

A tendency to:

- act

- think or

- react

In particular ways

Which can

Annoy other people and/or

Make you feel bad

Eg act/react impulsively

Or overthink or think black and white

The question is what links these things together?

Is there evidence of a “neurodevelopmental disorder” which causes people to act, think or react in these ways

And the same with depression

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Skeptical or Cynical

December 13, 2020, 14:06

at home chanuka holiday with littlun.

I think I am naturally skeptical, or at least i’ve developed a (maybe unhealthy) skepticism.

Essentially skepticism means you question things. and i question the motives behind everyone and everything.

I assume people always have their own interests first 

So with my conspiracy theoryabout corona and the governments taking advantage and making it seem worse than it is so they can try out civil control by telling people to stay at home bevause its ‘dangerous’ and they did it. and now people are used to it now!

so the same with the drugs. im sure the pharmaceutical companies have their interests first. but the thing is ....

im starting think maybe the mood stabilizers worked. cos dr tw did say the aim was to treate the anxiety and i think it might have gone. and i had some depression thee last week or two but the last few days havent been so bad with depression and ive not really felt the anxiety

so is it the drugs? it very well could be, considering how long ive been dealing with the anxiety which is definitely very real!

Skepticism. doesnt mean u dont agree with some things. u dont just say everythings bollocks. you just question. you can be convinced with a logical or seemingly true argument.

Shutdown.

off to the park to feed the ducks.

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Post 2 - the continuous struggle

December 8, 2020.

Home. 16:16

This is the continuous struggle.

Two things - intertwined.

1. Struggling with the constant difficulties and challenges I deal with every day:

- Overwhelming

- crippling anxiety

- impulsiveness

- difficulty organising anything

- fear of rejection/failure

- overthinking

- insomnia

- guilt

2. Struggling with trying to work out what is wrong with me - i.e. what is making me like this and not like normal people who arent like this - and then trying to find a solution.

e.g. 

is mental health a thing. 

are mental struggles an “illness” and therefore in any way comparable to physical health. 

Should psychiatry be classed as medicine at all?

are my challenges definable as a single “disorder” - it makes things much easier if you can say “I have X” but is there any reason to group an individual’s challenges and put them in a box with a name as if they are the same as other people with the same challenges.

This also connects to dr TW and dr JK and coach and what is worth investing time and money into. Will anything come out of it and will it make me feel better help me cope properly in the long run whether its 80mg of prozac or being declared a cyclothymiac or whatever. 

- This then makes me feel more rejected and overthink even more and more insomnia

It’s not exactly chicken and egg. More eternal struggling. Will Dr ADHD work it out for me. Can’t hurt to try (apart from 2,500 shekels).

Here’s to hanuka lockdown!

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Post 1 - Think!

So number 1

sounds easy. isn’t. might be for other people.

Every time you are going to do, or say, something:

1. Think is this thing i want to do or say 

a. right 

b. appropriate

for the situation I am in right now

2. Then:

a. if it is right and appropriate go for it - do or say what you want to

b. if it is NOT RIGHT AND APPROPRIATE - STOP - DO NOT DO OR SAY IT (even if you want to)!

Simple?

E.g. you want to punch the guy in front of you

a. if you are a boxer in a boxing ring and he is your opponent: go for it

b. if you are not in an organised agreed fight - STOP - DO NOT PUNCH THE GUY (even if you want to)

That’s it.

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is it all fear of rejection/failure

November 2, 2020

....or at least lot of it - what am i scared of? 

that trying and failiing and people laughing at me or me being embarrassed is worse than not trying at all. its become a habit so id rather not put myself in such a potential failure situation with almost anything - from collecting a package from the makolet doar to making an appointment to asking writers to write stuff i need writing to writing down ideas - even though all of them are “easy”!

time to write more and get over it.

but first pick up not so littlun

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The Good The Bad and The Ugly

September 23, 2020

On Wednesday, as i drove to buchman a little late at 9.17, i realised i had 3 things to talk about - the good, the bad and the downright ugly.

The Good

A week earlier, it wasn’t really “good”!

In the previous week’s session the Coach had tried to say that considering everything is ok at work it’s an opportunity to focus on and discuss other things. 

but i really didn’t feel ok with work even though rationally everything appeared to be ok. i’d decided to get rid of J on co.uk and replace him with C who seemed very happy to do it. But C hadn’t been trained yet and I had spoken to J to tell him to stop at the end of the month.

So I sat there on his balcony with terrible tension and stress in my body about how i need to implement this change of personnel and i realised the next day that dealing with J was the big stress. his attitude made me uncomfortable.so it was definitely the right choice.

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before we run

been a while and this is before i go running.

but i need to confirm its all ok.

so basically i need to send them (OM writers) templates but i cant focus on them and i can do them on monday and all is fine. they have what todo.

and apart from that co.uk is fine and obvious BO and .uk and .com.

so what to worry about - ive not sent them better templates? they have, they can write. if its no good we can change it. anyway i said those pages are for wednesday and its the weekend so L will only do NFL and S will do scot prem, rugby u and rugby L

in the meantime S can do more and more brand reviews and i can get the picks templates done on monday cos nothing will be written till the week after next anyway!!

really. i couldnt concentrate, i want to run and i DONT NEED TO DO IT NOW!

its fine.

let go, go running, buy trousers!!

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Holidays coming up – am I ready?

August 19, 2020

8.26am

On the bus in traffic on the 431 just driving past tziporim.

I wasn’t gonna write. Its always a decision t make  = what will make me feel better right NOW!! And what is good for my day. Meditation? Netflix? Podcast? Music? Book? Nothing? Look out the window.

So ive gone for writing.

Am I gonna do the pour it out method?

Or focus on somerhing

I kind of need to be sure – but at least the bus is slow so I don’t feel rushed.

And anyway, 45 minutes a significant amount of time to just write whatever your thinking.

But better to have a plan

So

Sos

O

What I was thinking last night first.

That I feel uncomfoertable cos I can never feel like ive cleared my plate. That I had x y and z to to today and ive done it. Because even if I have I know that ive got so many other things to do that im stressed about tomorrow.

Its like what coach A was saying. I need to be able to finish the day and accept I did what I did and tomorrows another day.

The problem is that by not doing stuff it leave people waiting and things waiting.

Like the freelancers are waiting for me to tell them what to do and the webmasters are waiting for my plan for their sites for the next months.

I don’t like feeling ivel left people hangning.

So I need to be clear about what ive promised which actually isn’t that much.

I just want to get things done.

But not everything can be done. So I need to work out what I need to get done and do that.                  

But that’s unclear.

So what I said yesterday to E – there needs to be a clear structure of who does what right now. and then u need to write a clear strurcture of what is needed and how a new better structure will work.

Otherwise we’ll be stuck like this in a year’s time.

Anyway I kind of did what was needed yesterday and today I need to do what should be done and then theres just Thursday.

Make a list for September

Make a co.uk plan for September – focus on golf and tennis and boxing

Make a com plan for September – focus on horse racing

Think about who is writing what – how each freelancer is being used

Anyway this was supposed to be about my head

Amazing thing number 1

After wakig up at 2-3-4am Got 6 packs of lorivan, took 2 before I went to sleep at like 11.30. woke up 7am on the dot! didn’t really feel fresh as a daisy but definitely slept.

got six packets of these fuckers yesterday

littlun was in my bed and the wife was already at work. Go figure. Dunno how that happened. She said she came in our bed in the night cos she had a scary dream and tried to wake me up “daddy can you stay me” but I didn’t wake up so mummy said she could go in our bed.

It leaves littlerone scared and upset when she wakes up alone. They’ll both get over it. In a few years they wont want to sleep together any more.

Amazing thing number 2

Made llove on Sunday night and she wanted to last night but I didn’t really feel it (post morning mastu) and anyway I had to take the dog out and then go to super[harm to get the lorivan. When I came back she was doing tehillim then said she wanted something toeat and I sat to watch psg till half time then had a shower and while I was shaving she said night night. Shed given up.

Maybe tonight.. I need to run and meet with Coach A. hope shes paid.

My head

Forget the rappers supporting wiley and his insane jew hatred.

Need to end today with a feeling ive done what I can and im ok to finish it tomorrow and then next week is emergency only.

Right now its buzzy and fuzzy cos of:

-          Organising the freelancers – they need to have stuff to write

-          Getting rid of hry

-          Making plans for all uk sites

-          Creating an event list for all sports

-          Im worried I haven’t given freelancers enough work which means we haven’t had enough content on the uk sites!

+

-          Call partner – tv goes funny, picture on sprts channels is terrible

-          Check fines in my bag

 -          Check budget next week

  -          Plan sophias party

-          Plan Sophia and emmas chugim

 -          Make the apartment more palatable

-          Use the balcony better

-          What about the hammock?

 -          Eat less run more (im on that one)

-          Should I even speak to naomi schogger

 -          Plans for camping next weekend?

-          Maybe we all take Thursday off?

IS this is atodo list or just a list of what son my mind.

What is on my mind, as get off the ayalon. Ah no we’re at la guardia, its 8.49

That’s been 23 minutes of straight writing and I don’t feel much better.

Time to introspect.

Like I said last week, it’s the ehad and the feeling I don’t want to be in this job cos it makes my head feel like this but what job wouldn’t. I remember being at plt and not worrying about work in the slightest. I was drustrated but not overly busy. I came in at 6.30 when I had to and did nothing for 3 hours then went to sleep in the park.

How can the BIL do it when he runs a business.

Its about acceptance of the situation

This is what needs to be done, this is what can be done this is what im going to do and even if u don’t do it its ok.

All eyes on September 12.

And at home. The ninas are good. The wife is ok now despite our pre birthday celebrations Saturday night argument which we made up.

I think im gonna meditate now. This hasn’t helped much but it is what it is for half an ahour.

At least I can look back on it.

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Monday again

August 17th already

2020 settings

I meant Monday again but I realised its also like Fredagain.

GANG

Cant listen to headie at the moment though. He thinks the Jews control the world.

Whats it all.

So yeah just got off the ayalon so if I have 5 minutes its a lot.

How funny is it that I don’t wnt to write but then I don’t want to start cos I think I need at least like an hour. Like 10 minutes is like literally nothing.

Why should I listen to dblock Europe beside them being annoying kids. Gotta assume they hate the Jews. Although maybe the UAE deal could change it.

Anyway more to the point. The point.

> 

Whats the feeling today – went to bed at like 10.30, woke up at 3.45. spent nearly 2 hours trying to get back to sleep. Meditation vacation. Balance oil. Finally did it – got about 20 minutes or so after the mrs got up got dressed and left.

So I was on the bus going past the bursa and I thought I never feel like im in the right place. Just want to leave. Is it worth forcing myself to stay. Its such a conundrum confusion.

I don’t feel good. Yesterday I felt extreme overwhelm at home all day with the builders doing the floor in the shower and the arab guy on the balcony having a coffee and cigarette.

But it was the work – its such a mess. So confusing about what I should be doing and how I can actually make this move forward and work.

I spoke to the bil yesterday and his plan sounded so clear and made sense.

I just thought wheres my practical clear plan.

But its up to me to choose what to do

-          Take an overall big picture look

-          Have ultimate aims

-          Work out what needs to be done to get there

-          See whats practical

-          Do it

Zehu?

Getting off the bus in the sec

Let’s see how it goes.

But sports betting update email needs to come back today before I leave

Zehu

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why dont i write. or more. or often i dont

cos im worried i dont have time and it will take too long?

actually thats not always true - i dont feel like it often.

but then its like running. u just start and see if it works.

Keep on going.

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It’s Friyay.

wh

10:08

Friday

Morning 14/08/20

i was gonna write and now im even tenser cos the littlerone started crying cos the littlun hit her or someting.

fuck.

its all fucked now.

i was gonna write and now i cant even relax cos the wife came up to me and said “i haven’t bought the stuff for the cake” and i didnt understand what she wanted from me - turns out she wants to buy the stuff this morning.

what i was gonna do was write this is the first time in ages ive written directly onto the tumblr rather than in a word doc.

although in fact i didnt actually write anything here for 6 months till last week.

anyway here i am in the lounge, listening to Nines One Foot Out ahead of the Crabs in the Bucket release later this month.

i want to write about the insanity ofthe Wiley thing but i cant get into it now. Just that i feel uncomfortable listening to almost all the music ive liked listening to over the last 4-5 years cos its almost all uk rap and jungle and now i see that alot of them support wiley or they have said nothing. none of them have said no.

i mean wtf even headie one.

Its a fuck fuck but then maybe this UAE deal will make a difference.

anyway i cant relax and write now. maybe later. gotta get showered and go orwe wont go to jlm like i wanaanananow.

basically was gonna write how ive been focusing so much on work stress and the details and dealng with it that i forget or subconsciously ignore or just pretend i dont notice that even if i dont have work stress for a bit, im calm and ok with what ive done (whcih isnt now but im kind of ok) then there are so many other things to worry about it

so either i need to accept that this is how i deal with things and then work on them. or even just be more accepting of the fact that i’ll get stressed about little tings. or just try and develop more techniques.

like i said to I at work a few weeks ago - i shouldnt be suffering. and i suffer. and i really shouldnt. its avoidable. its self-created and self-managable. so many people have suffering that is not in their hands, that they can’t avoid. and this is mine to get rid of and its all in my head. its not actual. someone else could be in exactly rhe same situations as me and not suffer in the slightest but me here now is feeling tense.

i guess the balance oil is called for here.

10.34.

i want to write so much now.

ah yeah was gonna write about how i was reading stuff i wrote in an email to Y in january 2015 and how it underlined how useful and advantageous it is to write cos when i read it later it gives you perspective and is also interesting to see what you were thinking in detail.

at the time i was totally focused on getting the littlun to not wake up and want the bottle in the night and how got up andwhat we did and if we were training her. like it mattered - now she doesnt wake up does she!

ZENO RECORDS

so yeah the writing thing - should i do it after therapy/coach session - i think its definitely worth havign a record.

oh yeah about the blog name - i dont go on the train any more. might change the name or maybe its classic - nobody reads it anyway

whatever. we outta. 

peace (yeah its another one that probably support wiley)

#dtrt spike

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On the bus back.

18:40 August 3 part yoooo (That supposed to be as in “oooh” (as in two) btw)

Whatevs.

Did this morning’s 30 minute written rant prove to be worth it? It’s hard to tell but im sure it’s a good use of my time. 

Not that other things I do on the bus aren’t good. In fact the bus is the best time for me probably cos I cant do proper work or I decide I cant or don’t. I cant I think. Anyway I proper use it to meditate or even if im just going to relax and watch Netflix (fuck I need to cancel the paypal and make it credit card).

Throw out, spill out your thoughts – that’s the point. Read it later/one day/never. The opportunity is there and to use it is to cleanse. Create some sort of kind of clarity ish.

So where we are?

Shit shit im scared of it.

So this is the point of this – to face up to things.

If I cant write about it and not show it to anyone then I definitely cant deal with things.

So I need to face up.

What are the hardest things to face up to?

In no particular order…

1.       Should I have chatted with the word on the feet guy?

I guess it was worth discussing it

2.       Can I do the work – yes, just need to focus on one thing at a time

3.       Can I run tonight – cant hurt to try.

4.       Was I wrong to continue the discussion with the mrs about the whole feel bad thing at the pool and after. Maybe maybe not. I tried to get clarity

5.       Why not deal with things uquicker – I do

6.       Can I get on top of the work? Ok that was number 2. I can I can I can.

a.       Will I bring oddmner into the light. I will. I made a plan for L and S and itll be great

b.       Can I make similar plans for the other sites – course I can it’s easy. Just one thing at a time.

i. can I coordinate fbcouk with social – easy, make a plan and stick to it

ii. can I get on top of fbcom – of course. Make a monthly plan and stick to it – no need for any more unseureness

iii. can I create a better connection with the writers - easy

iv. can I build some templates for Romania? Easy peasy

v. can I make a video plan for fbcom – why the fucknot.

vi.      Can I can I can I – yessssss just gwandoit 😉

vii.      Do I need to help finland not really. Just be there for Joram.

viii.      Do I need to help Romania – a little bit

iix.      Should the sports betting update email return. Dunno. I guess once I follow industry news etc.

x.      MAKE SALES – lets do it!

xi.      Get UCL-UEL plan sorted. Get on top of it ffs. Easy easy. Simple.

7.       Will I go to sleep relaxed – just process the C invoice and do anything else if I wana

8.       Should I try adhd drugs – gotta make an assessment appointment with a psychiatrist then go 4it

9.       Can I control my temper? Be aware. Don’t throw things even if u want to cos littluns right when she told me I shouldn’t have and someone could slip on the thing from her gan and I could’ve broken something when I threw the sandals

10.   Can I can can I can I can i? I can? I dunno. I need to run don’t i

11.   Should I be scared of watching football or other sports cos ive not done enough for it for our sites – NOOOOOOO – do as much as u can as much as is possible

 f

uck that’s enough.

Gonna warch sometin

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Is it ADHD. What is it ADHD? What is this. What?

August 3 2020

?

It’s been a while as the cliché says.

I guess I’ve avoided and my heads been a whoosh and ive not been able to focus or /and I’ve felt like ive not had the time even though I obviously don’t spend all my time doing what I should be doing and not relaxing or taking time out.

Also. I’ve almost not taken the train at all since January. The train was my writing space. It used to be the place. But now im on the bus. And then of course there was lockdown for 2 months when I didn’t even go to work. And now I only go twice a week.

Let’s do some subheaders. Its 8.35 am im on the bus. Ive got about 25 minutes.

1.  ADHD Coaching

So yeah ive been meaning to write a short summary each week. Then I don’t.

So lets see what I can remember from my zoom with the coach on Wednesday. It was tishabav and I thought I was fasting. I mean I was fasting and then I ate before I went to bed for obvious reasons. And then I didn’t on Thursday morning.

But what did we talk about and what conclusions did we come to?

God I need to get the notes from him. He writes down everything I say. I need to review it regularly.

So.

Er, ah yeah. I went through a list of things I sent on wasup.

a.       My confusion about decision making that Friday morning when the day before I had arranged that A should bring R round to play with the girls but then thelittlun woke up at 7.30 and said she wanted to go to the beach and I was like great I’ll tell A. I knew she might not want to or be able to go cos she would need to be home by 12pm but I texted her anyway and I felt elated about going to the beach. But then she called and said she cant go to the beach and R will be very disappointed. And I got so confused and in the end I went.

 And we talked about how I just looked at the negative from the decision. That I saw it was bad to go but bad to stay and go to ben shemen. But I need to be rational and realise no choice will be perfect. There will be bad and good in every choice. So u just need to decide. One or the other and accept that there are negative things in both but it doesn’t mean the other choice was right.

I had a similar feeling on Thursday when I picked up the girls from C and I had agreed to go to the center of town with A and her girls but I was “Fasting” and impulsively didn’t want o go. and then R said she wants to come to our house and the littlun wanted her to come and then I invited R and S and M and A and then I was stuck. And A came late to pick R up from C, like 10 minutes, and it was a stress. I was like come over and then inevitably I spent the journey home thinking I made a mistake and I shouldn’t have forced R to come over and I needed the space and fresh air after being at home all day. And then and then and then it was fine and R appreciated it.

Can I do it? Can I calm and see the trees from the wood?

Other things discussed:

b.       The argument/discussion with thewife about what to do on the Thursday of tishabav – should the girls go to C? or come to the hospital with us. In the end we got to the right decision.

2.  Work

Really really whats the stress all about. I was watching the beginning of a movie just last night with a scene showing a guy coming to work in the morning. He seemed fresh and when I was driving home I was thinking I wake up stressed.

Like there is no  - this is today, im gonna try and achieve a, b and c. and then im finished. Its always like a rush to do as much on the long list as I can and then the feeling like I didn’t complete what I should and then im worried that Im late and I cant relax in the evening and then in the morning I need to get in as early as possible cos im behind.

I need realistic understanding of what I should do and when I should do it.

After my weekly with Eyal I didn’t get close to that cos I just list X, Y, X, A, B C and im left with an unrealistic list and then its like I need to try and do as much as I can but then it means I wont finish it so there will also be things I need to and should do that are still on the list and I never feel like I can relax cos im always behind.

So whats the answer. Realistic daily planning in the morning.

Can I do it? The reason I don’t is cos the planning seems to end up taking up too much time. Can I do it quickly? Can I write this blog quickly

Not really. But its essential.

3.       Life

That’s the connection with the life. Like why don’t I get on top of the money? Cos it feels like it will take too long to organise?

That’s more of a part than I realise. A bigger part.

If I could relax and know I have time to do the washing up then it would be mindful like mrs says it is.

4.       Work-life-balancelife

Whereive I am Im always in a rush, worried all the time when ive realised ive been doing the wrong thing the whole time so ive been wasting time and now I wont be able to get things done.

I know I cant do everything. Need to plan things.

Problem is I review the plans and realsie I didn’t get it right. And the planning takes so long and then im in a mess anyway.

Thing is I went swimming on shabat and I took 24 minutes or so to do lengths and it took me back to the SBTc times when I spent an hour swimming trying to work out how to do what needed to be done. Ive been in the same trying to work it out situation ever since apart from that break between Cr and this job.

But then did it matter? I left and I realised I was focused on some wrong things.

I need to focs on the things that need to be done.

If there are too manythen I cant do them all.

Focs sake.

5.  ADHD drugs?

Get an assessment? ADHD centre in tel aviv? NShg? Fuck knows.

I guess Tuesday I make an appointment with someone.

Cos I need an assessment.

Although there is the question – if there is no physical biological evidence that shows ADHD isn’t all just a guess. So the test is do you act like X or Y. but theres no way of proving the reason you act like that is cos the way your brain is wired. Its just an assumption and a guess.

Is it true? Can it help. Will an assessment give me peace of mind. At least I can tell people I “have ADHD” – but what does it mean? What Coach says it doesn’t matter about an assessment – the fact is my brain works in a certain way. Why is interesting and can help change it or help me learn how to deal with it but really its about accepting this is how my brain works and developing ways to deal with the situations like

-          Stopping me being impulsive and just doing or saying things without thinking them through (that’s hard eh)

-          Trying to look at things from different perspective

Just remembered the littleuns insight when I thought this guy had bumped into me on purpose outside littlerones gan and littlun was like maybe he didn’t see you.

And today when she said I shouldn’t throw things cos someone could slip on her magnet and I could have broken something when I threw the sandals. She was right so does that mean I sohuldnt have done it. Yes. Obviously. But its so recent I can feel how I felt and it feels like the only thing to do.

So maybe nows the time to analyse that situation – when I feel the tension and urge to throw. Could I have sotpped myself. Only reason I think no is cos I didn’t have time. And I felt it was the only way to show I cant deal with the sandals. I wanted to shock littlerun into stoppeding crying. And she did but then I felt worse and had to spend a minute apologising to littlun.

So whats the answer – theres almost always a spare minute or two to calm down. Almost always.

This doesn’t mean I have 5 or 10 mins or half an hour and hour. Although maybe I do.

But don’t spend hours on the wrong thing – focus on the right thing, get it done and then bish bash bosh. Move on. Be realistic about what needs to be done, do it as quickly as possible and then I can go home and go running tonight.

Yknow dat.

Gotta try and run with headie one even if he may be an anti-Semite.

Gonna get there at 9.10. leaving at 6.20.

Zehu.

UPDATE - 6.13pm

After an entire day, and maybe a week, of avoiding the relatively simple task of writing down exactly what is going to be on each of the sites in August I took the plunge about half an hour ago and started doing fbcom and lo and behold it wasn’t just easy it felt great getting clarity.

just goes to show eh. what i know is true really is true. it’s not a big deal. calm down, get the easy stuff out the way and then concentrate on the slightly more complicated but also easy and more enjoyable part which is the planning and editing and doing what the hell i want with these sites!!

is that the truth? maybe. gotta get the bus though. 

[modiintrainguy]

one other thing...

Ok im not sure i forgot, but i just thought an important summary.

Even though we have not actually done anything practical, his is working so far because it is a different focus and more understanding of what’s going on with me.

for a few years ive thought rather than I “have depression” i get depressed due to certain situations and patterns. clearly organising things is an issue and impulsive and cant pay bills and plan things without getting stressed and this can make me angry and frustrated and then the way i act makes me depressed afterwards.

if you look at the anxiety i suffered for the last year it has mostly been due to my inability to cope with both the sbt and c.io jobs - both of which required me to make my own plan and then just get on with it and implement it, including being creative and writing things without having any one checking or setting deadlines.

the whole overwhelm due it making an elephant out of an anthill (*see what i did there, see below!) plus not being able to visualise the end caused me to not be able to work out how to do what i needed to do and made me stay up trying to work it out.

i remember going swimming and spending half the time trying to work out how i can get the newsletter to be html and linked to a webpage. i just couldnt do it and nobody was helping me even though i came up with a sort of plan. executing seemed impossible.

so is it simply “i have depression” and “i have anxiety” or is it alot more “i get very depressed and/or anxious” when i cant deal with situations and cant work out how to and when i do things like i described this morning - assuming my way is the only way and leaving things to the last minute so everything is a big rush and i need people to do what i need them to do whihc makes me rude and snappy and presumptious that they (mostly the mrs and the kids) need and want to do what i want them to do.

i know i need to realise maybe there are alternative ways (as Dr JW also said). how to get from where i am now to there is the next step which i really hope i can get to.

lots of love.

[modiintrainguy]

update... Everybody’s humpin around

Thursday, Dec 19, 2019, 12:48

Ok i meant to put “Getting over that hump” and put this picture:

Anyway, had a good chat today with AL.

Even though ive talked alot about stuff and we haven’t really got to any real practical thingsi think we are making progress to understanding things.

One thing that was interesting was the idea that he usually uses the phrase “the ADHD brain” which leads me to questions like i asked in the previous post, about whewther it is really mr problem and whether i need to get diagnosed.

so he said really irts about working out how “Jeremy Last’s brain” works and the issues this creates and how i can deal with them better to get from A - where i am now (nervous alot of the time, worried about putting things off, stressed, doing everytrhing last minute, getting upset and frustrated and having arguments) to B - where i want to be (happy, fine etc).

So we went over this morning’s post and he made some interesting points, including what i wrote just now about the jeremy last brain (see paragraph 2!).

Executive function

 “It is about not being able to use “executive function” properly so you you find it very hard to make decisions.”

He noted that it’s not only about it being hard to “make decisions” but about “executing” ie doing things.

These things aren’t gonna work

if the problem is the “adhd brain,” then trying to make me “happier” by

giving me drugs to increase serotonin and/or dopamine and norepinephrine to supposedly make me happy

encouraging me to relax and then use my rationality to realise what the real problem is  

think about what made upset as a child and how that influenced me as an adult,

do cbt to focus on the realy problem

isnt going to work.

because even if i feel happier or think rationally, i still dont get over the hump and do what i need to do or become less frustrated because the “adhd” brain stops me from doing the rational thing even if i know what it is and im relaxed.

He made a strong point about what he means with “if i think rationally” and why i still dont get overt the hump.

It’s important to note that it’s that when regular people think rationally, it means knowing what the problem is and finding the solution - then they just do it cos they know what to do and why its worth doing. Me, with a “Jeremy Last brain” (see what i did there!) still doesnt do it so i need to stop and think what techniques can i use to move myself from knowing what to do to actualy doing it. 

the obvious classic ones are deadline and visualize the goal, but we haven’t got to working out exactly what will work for me.

Can a pause work?

I kind of dismissed the idea of a “pregnant pause” ie taking a second to consider what im going to say or do before i say or do it.

this could have prevented all the problems with the mrs the last 2 days.

i thought it wont work cos a,. i cant do it and b. even if i do i cant think properly.

he said it can work and is something to consider, but also to see it more as a plaster - it can solve the problem in the moment but better not to get to that moment, e.g. to plan shul on friday night etc.

The issues

The issues therefore are:

is it ok to blame it all (or most of it) on me having an “adhd brain? it seems like it is the main problem but is that a cop out?

one sec, how do i know i have an “adhd brain” - i haven’t been diagnosed, so should i be? is there a real accurate diagnosis u can get anyway. and will i get it done considering my main problem is putting things off!?

even if i am diagnosed and it seems this is the main problem, what the fuck do we do now? can i actually get over the hump and get things done and not be rude when im stressed?

how bad can i be, considering i still get things done ok.

So! re all this he said:

1. no it’s not a cop out - i should never “blame” the adhd/jeremy last brain because i am always 100% responsible for my actions.

Is the “ADHD/Jeremy Last” brain the reason. ultimately it doesnt matter. i act in certain ways and it is up to me to understand what i do, try and work out why and improve it i.e. come up with solutions.

2. diagnosis - it could help but its also likely to be incoonclusive.

3. ahhhh what do we do now - this is hopefully the practical stuff that’s coming up. he b elives i can get from A to B. i hope so after 20 years of drugs and therapy and not getting that close despite improving.

4. I’m not that bad! but it doesnt mean i can’t and dont need to improve. clearly i do. i mean right now ive already cleaned up and hung the washing and almost finished cooking lunch for shabbat (chicken, roast potatoes and sweet potatoes and courgettes!). 

The problem with previous efforts is they were working from the wrong “rule book” - without taking the “adhd/jeremy last” brain into account the answers werent going to get me from A to the ultimate goal of “B” - feeling fine.

That’s it for the moment.

gonna run in a bit when the chickens ready - that’ll be 6 days in a row!