mollydollyjournals

[mollydollyjournals]

I did reach my previous hw. Then I stalled. Since then I've started actually working out and also been doing a lot more other physical stuff with moving house. I'm always exhausted. I just hope it pays off.

I'm hungry. I'm really hungry. I want to order junk food and just eat it and be satisfied. I cant. I cant have anything. I have low calorie foods downstairs but I cant. If I have anything I'll want more.

I'm already drinking alone again. That's enough calories. I cant eat. I just cant. I'm so fucking hungry. But I only just got past that one weight milestone and I need to get further. Way further. I cant deal with being like this. I've lost 20lbs, I need to lose more. I need to be happy.

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id join. a dating app if it was bisexuals Only

#this is absolutely about how done i am with c1sh3t m3n

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it seems unfair that we’re about to have another week, given that we just had a whole week last week

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I've done so much. I've got through so much. I'm so tired. Im so tired. Im so fucking tired. All I have left is my one cat and my weight loss.

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god I wish none of us were sad

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i don't feel guilty when im drunk

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and in the end,

im always alone..

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So I'm separated now. As opposed to married. Because the person I married I guess just doesnt exist anymore and what's there in their place is some stupid dishonest child.

That's been the case for a while. It's why I've been so stressed and upset. I'm sick of being abandoned. I'm sad that a good person turned so horrible. I'm making a big effort to stick with people who consistently support me and are actually nice and honest.

I've lost just about 20lbs since then. As of this morning it was 18lbs, but going by my current weight it might be more by tomorrow. But before that I gained a shit ton of weight. Since I was last properly active on here, I gained maybe 25lbs? So I still have a bit left before I even get back there. It's embarrassing and I hate it. I'm only just about to get back down to what was my 'highest weight ever.' Maybe by tomorrow. If not, probably in the next couple of days.

I'm just done. I dont give a shit what anyone else thinks or says they think about my body. All I know is what I think about it. And I think I want it smaller. I think whatever (x)hb does I will be happier this way.

I'm also still pissed off that I literally cant eat because of anxiety. I want to do stuff. Stuff that would burn so many calories I'd still lose weight. And I'd grow muscle, and be healthier, and have more energy. But instead I just cant handle solid food. I ate some actual food once in the past week and a half, which is not much for me. It was a small portion too. I'm going to try again tomorrow but I know I'm going to really struggle. I'm scared I might end up purging. I havent done that in so long and I dont want to go back to it.

My body is less disgusting to me the smaller it gets. I've never been underweight and my metabolism is really slow so I doubt I have to even worry about that. But on this side of things, it's easier now I'm not as big. I wish I could be happy with myself whatever my size. I wish I could just love my body regardless. But I cant.

So I'm going to keep going. Right now, I'm so hungry. I've been hungry for a while. I want to go downstairs and eat a particular food. But if I do I wont keep losing weight. Especially not if I'm trying to have something solid tomorrow, when I have company. I need to just go to sleep. It's late. I need to go to sleep and get up tomorrow and stay hungry until I get this meal so I'm at least empty for it.

Everything is so weird. Nothing is stable or safe. My whole life just got fucked up. All I can do is mould my body.

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Theres no point even going into the shit that's actually going on. But yesterday it had me really upset by the end. Completely exhausted and broken. And then I woke up today on not enough sleep and had to deal with even more of it.

My weight was actually good today. It was back down again. Lower than before. So I was going to eat - not a lot but something. Then everything happened and there was no way I could eat even if I wanted to. I drank some fruit juice so it's not like I've had zero calories. But I cant handle food today.

I've been so upset and hurt in so many ways. My anxiety is so bad I cant stand it. I have so many physical symptoms and they're making me lose weight so fast. Im glad I'm losing weight but the point was to feel okay... I cant stand feeling like this. I'm barely trying to do anything to lose weight. I'd rather feel okay and make an effort.

I need a hug so badly. So so badly. I could wait a few hours and see if I can get one later. But that's a few hours. And probably not a good one either. I should sleep. It's just after 1am. I should go to sleep, catch up on what I missed last night, and see if I can get some support tomorrow. But I'm so fucking anxious. My heart wont slow down. I'm shaking. I'm sweating. I can just about breathe if I focus. I dont know how I can fall asleep. I need reassurance and safety for that but I cant have it until maybe later and I dont know if I'll even get it then and I dont know what to do.

Normally the only way for me to get through a situation like this is to somehow pass the time. So I'm fairly sure I wont sleep early. I dont know. If I could fall asleep quickly it would be a good way to pass the time. But I cant. If I lie down and try to sleep I'll just be stuck with my thoughts and my anxiety. I really wish I could just go to sleep. I really wish I wasnt alone. I dont know if I should go bring a cat up here or sleep in a different room or a different place on the bed or cover myself in plushies or what. I need to do something or I'm just going to spiral and keep spiralling. I just dont know what.

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Even more bullshit happened not long after this and I was awake for another 4hrs and just...ugh

Ohhhh my weight went down again. Just as well because I have an external stressor and this at least gives me something that's just for me.

It's very late. I dont know if I should try to sleep or not. From the time I need to be up tomorrow, I absolutely should try to sleep. But from my anxiety and general feeling of being very unsettled and unsafe, I dont know if itll even work. In which case maybe I should stay awake and at least distract myself.

I really hate being in my head. I really fucking do. I really wish someone genuinely cared about how much it hurts. I'm not weak overall, but I am worn out. I have been weak for a few years. Very weak. More and more over time. I'm too tired to even continue this line of thought.

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Ohhhh my weight went down again. Just as well because I have an external stressor and this at least gives me something that's just for me.

It's very late. I dont know if I should try to sleep or not. From the time I need to be up tomorrow, I absolutely should try to sleep. But from my anxiety and general feeling of being very unsettled and unsafe, I dont know if itll even work. In which case maybe I should stay awake and at least distract myself.

I really hate being in my head. I really fucking do. I really wish someone genuinely cared about how much it hurts. I'm not weak overall, but I am worn out. I have been weak for a few years. Very weak. More and more over time. I'm too tired to even continue this line of thought.

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All I do is listen to The Chain, eat water and lie (in bed alone)

#the chain #fleetwood mac #OFMD #our flag means death #Spotify

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So far I am very happy with my evening weight but I also have had alcohol today so I could be dehydrated and it could go up again later and it might not go down much by tomorrow etc etc. I guess we'll see. But for now I guess it's fine. It's a good part of today. And currently every day is shit so that's something

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I ate. It was what I planned. Calories accounted for etc.

But I feel fucking horrific. I feel like my belly just doubled in size. This better be fucking worth it. I wanted to feel less weak so I can maybe be less anxious and do stuff, and keep my metabolism working so I can keep losing weight, but so far I just feel fucking huge and the urge to purge is strong. I havent even done that in such a long time but jfc

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Okay my weight is lower than yesterday, 0.2lbs higher than the day before so kind of the same... that's not too bad.

Problem is at this point I've already reached my maximum weight goal for the week, which resets on Mondays. What I originally said was that if by some miracle I did that, I'd let myself eat a bit more or exercise a bit less for the rest of the week, to make sure I dont fuck up my metabolism or fall back into bad habits.

But...I am fucking anxious and depressed as shit and I dont know how else to feel accomplished. I dont have many avenues of reassurance rn, and I'm always worried that I'm gonna plateau or fuck up and never lose any more, and getting ahead of my weight loss plan even further would really make me feel better at least a bit.

So I want to lose more. And more than that, I want to reach next weeks maximum goal. Or I want to get 2lbs ahead of that, which would be another milestone. It really is intoxicating.

I have 4 days until Monday, or 3 mornings. If I keep losing at this kind of rate, I'll hit both of those goals by Monday. It's the only good thing coming out of this constant severe anxiety I'm having recently. I've only tried a little really, a lot of it has come from not being physically able to eat, and also my metabolism is through the roof because I'm always overheating and hyperventilating etc.

So like really...what I should do is eat when I'm able to, focus on calming my anxiety, let my weight stabilise here and then get back to it next week. But I want so fucking badly to lose more weight and get to my goals faster and get some validation and idek.

I just got interrupted by a conversation that made me feel simultaneously better and worse. Not even sure what to do about that now. I'm also noticing I'm pretty weak. Maybe I'm gonna have to go for that 24hr fast option after all. Whatever I do, I'm not binging. I'm either fasting or restricting. Fucking sick and tired of hating my body.