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Slipping
It’s almost midnight and I’m back to writing.
Thoughts about failing at work, about my family, about my ex girlfriend of all stupid things are crashing in.
I usually do well when I isolate on my island. Usually.
Im behind and it feels like high school.
Tomorrow starts anew. Tomorrow, I’m going running. Tomorrow, I’ll stop masturbating. Tomorrow I’ll ask my wife to hold me instead of not wanting to bother her,or whatever I use to justify further isolating myself from her.
Sliiping. I can feel myself slipping away.
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“It’s weird we’re just hanging out,” I say to my wife. Her and I have been just sitting on the couch on our phones or just watching TV for hours.
We had a conversation at the very beginning of our marriage wherein she complained that we weren’t going out on dates, and we didn’t have enough money, and that we weren’t spending enough time with each other. Not a lot has changed, in regards to the amount of time we’re spending with each other...but she’s stopped bringing it up. I try to value our time together more now, but I’m afraid that the silence on a potential problem that bothers her will be a wedge that will drive us apart, months or years down the road.
I pray that we grow closer together. I pray she knows that I care for her deeply. I pray that she understands that I try and kill it at work to try and support her and our soon to be born son. I have a family now. It’s no longer just about me and how much StarCraft I get to play, or NCAA I get to watch on the weekends. It’s about them, and making sure their needs are met.
I can and I will provide. What the hell does, “sufficient for our needs” mean anyway?
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PostSecret Memories.
This past year I have been extremely happy... I think. I think I’ve been happy, but maybe that’s just because I finally filled a huge gaping hole of what I knew from a young child I must do as an adult- get married. Is it happiness? Or is it just the serious lack of anxiety over not having someone to talk to.
Today, my wife is gone on vacation. She left last night, and last night wasn’t too bad. Today at work it kind of hit me that she won’t be home for another few days. The loneliness kind of kicked in. I started to feel like I felt in high school when I listened to a LOT of Radiohead, and dated a LOT of girls just to somehow try and ease the loneliness.
I met my wife because I started to do things that I wanted to do, and if she wanted to come along, then awesome. Now that we’re married, I do a LOT of what she likes to do, or what I imagine she likes to do. I don’t actually know what she likes to do. I see her watch a lot of TV, and she loves playing with her cousins...but besides that, hobbies aren’t super a huge thing. I guess Netflix is a hobby.
We watch a lot of Netflix. And Hulu. . . plus a dash of Amazon Prime Video if there’s a new season of The Man In The High Castle.
It’s become my thing now. I used to do Crossfit. I used to just go to shows by myself. I used to just do things that made me happy just to make myself happy. The trip to Boise to go see a band only I liked. The trips to coffee shops.
If my wife don’t want to come, she doesn’t have to. I need to really get back to living my life like I want to live it.
How else am I going to be happy? If I’m not happy, she’s not going to be happy. I can’t base my happiness on my crazy co-dependent tendencies that lurk deep in my ever pleasing personality. If I aim for only things that she likes and I’m not truly doing what I want to do- then what happens is that, well, truthfully, I don’t have the poker face to grin and bear it...and I end up affecting what I perceive to be her desired activity.
This neglect of self-interest is good almost all the time...except when it comes down to your balance as a human being.
When I feel down and lonely like this I have usually masturbated, cried, or started a blog. PostSecret was my jam.
My wife isn’t texting me back because she’s asleep. And I’m not going to masturbate anymore now that I’m married, and still very Mormon. So here were are blog. Here we freaking are.
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