mosaicsage

[mosaicsage]

It always comes back to you.  Regardless of what I tell myself or what I believe to be true.  It always comes down to that dulling pain in my gut that only gets filled by something I claim to not even want.  Hell, even when I get close – the pain doesn’t go away. It gets stronger the closer I am to it – to you.    Perhaps it’s the pain that I crave.

              But perhaps, it’s the closest I’ve been to home.  The closest I’ve been to being truly myself.  But who is that, anyway?  I don’t think you know who I am – mostly because I don’t let you know – but partly, because it doesn’t matter.  Which makes it even worse.

              You know, a lot of people have that one person in their life that was “the one that got away” or causes us to live with regret.  This is not that…it is something else entirely. It’s almost primal in nature –just something that I am supposed to feel, that I was put here to experience.   But why?  Why do I torture myself?  Some days I think that in the end, it will work itself out and life would be as it was originally meant to be, all the hurdles in the way were just a part of the story that had to unfold to make it worth telling. 

              But, the ultimate truth is that I don’t want to make any ripples in the sea and I won’t choose for myself to know that story’s ending.  All the stars will align one day and they will do so without me causing a fuss or fighting for it.  Ironic, isn’t it?  I used to want you to fight for me….and now, I am the one who refuses to do so.  I am a coward.

              Or am I?  Your influence on me has not changed – it’s just that I know myself well enough now to know how to be affected by it.  I don’t believe you know who I am anymore, vastly different than the 20-something year old of my youth.  I honestly don’t know if we would get along together for a long period of time – hell, the fights we used to have were good – imagine what they be like now. I remember you asking me why I would fight with you – and it was always because I felt passionately about something, no matter what the argument was about.  I don’t fight nearly at all anymore.  Kind of sad.

              So, what do I want?  I want to keep tabs on you.  I want you to always know where I am in life, and how I’m doing.  It all goes back to being a coward and not making any moves for myself (not that you are willing to take them either). Otherwise, how can I know when the stars align?  I want to know that I can reach out and ask for advice on what the hell to do with my brother on any given day, or I want to be able to get some support when I think about reaching out to my mom.  And I want to be that for you too.

              That’s what I got.  Nothing more, nothing less.  So, this is me – doing an azimuth check.

#lost love #pain #love #my story